I feel like a horrible person

I feel like a horrible person

Vampire for now!!
Vampire for now!!

December 22nd, 2011, 3:01 am #1

I have turned in to a bitter person. I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist, because I already do see a therapist. I just want to know if anyone has ever felt the same way at some point.

So this is how I some days feel(not every day):

I hate every one, I have no sympathy for any one not even people with IF because I think my IF problem is somehow worse than theirs!!!
I hate all the kids and I hate anyone who gets pregnant no matter how that person got there. Even if one says that she did 10 IVFs. I feel like even 10 IVFs wont get me where she is today, having a child with OE, that is what I want NO DE, No ADOPTION, nothing, nothing, OE child!!! I feel envious to the whole universe, and if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain. I feel like the universe is a horrible place and if you were to add the happiness of all the people in the planet it wont be heavier than the sorrow and sadness of people with pain!!!. Sounds pretty horrible right? I kind of hate myself too for being such a horrible selfish person, I feel like a Vampire (Like Victoria from Twilight Movie!!!!!). Has anyone ever felt that way or am I the only horrible person in this IF world??
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Sara H
Sara H

December 22nd, 2011, 3:25 am #2

You said, "I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist..." So, you just want support in feeling horrible?

Personally, I think this was a mean post. I feel rather singled out, since I just shared my news today, and I feel like you are talking about some else specific, too. What if it was you? How would you feel, after trying to help others?

If you are just here to be bitter and negative then this is not that kind of board, or at least it hasn't been.

Support goes both way, I doubt this is the kind of post others want to see to feel supported.

I know I didn't. (not like it seems that that would matter to you.)

You don't want help, you don't want advice, you just want to be angry. OK.
Yes, we have all been angry. Does that make it better?

I would say that I hope it gets better for you, but you seem to not want that, either. If you want to know if other people are angry about their IF do a search, we have had tons of these post recently. Go reread those, I think you posted some of them, too.

This is a support board. You said you don't want support. Personally, I don't feel this is the place for this kind of post.

I hope that no one supports this. I hope that no one else responds unless it helps them somehow.

Sara H


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Vampire for now!!
Vampire for now!!

December 22nd, 2011, 3:31 am #3

I am not happy for feeling this way, and I am pretty mad at myself, but I cant control it. All I want to know is how extreme my feelings are compare with other IFers.
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Jamie
Jamie

December 22nd, 2011, 3:35 am #4

She is responding to your post in a very reasonable way considering what your post contained.
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Jamie
Jamie

December 22nd, 2011, 3:44 am #5

I have turned in to a bitter person. I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist, because I already do see a therapist. I just want to know if anyone has ever felt the same way at some point.

So this is how I some days feel(not every day):

I hate every one, I have no sympathy for any one not even people with IF because I think my IF problem is somehow worse than theirs!!!
I hate all the kids and I hate anyone who gets pregnant no matter how that person got there. Even if one says that she did 10 IVFs. I feel like even 10 IVFs wont get me where she is today, having a child with OE, that is what I want NO DE, No ADOPTION, nothing, nothing, OE child!!! I feel envious to the whole universe, and if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain. I feel like the universe is a horrible place and if you were to add the happiness of all the people in the planet it wont be heavier than the sorrow and sadness of people with pain!!!. Sounds pretty horrible right? I kind of hate myself too for being such a horrible selfish person, I feel like a Vampire (Like Victoria from Twilight Movie!!!!!). Has anyone ever felt that way or am I the only horrible person in this IF world??
You're not going to like this and probably don't want to hear it, but if you want to get better and feel better, consider the following.

Take a leave of absence from your work and go to Africa to do volunteer work with the refugees in the camps who are escaping the terrible drought and famine in the horn of Africa. You will see adults who weigh sixty pounds and are almost dead. You will see 6 month-old babies who weigh eight pounds. You will see newborn babies abandoned by their families by the side of the roads because they have nothing to give them. You will see human suffering that is on an unimaginable scale.

I think you need that kind of shock to your system to find gratitude in the multitude of blessings in your own life and you also need to focus on helping others rather than on your own misery. Focusing on your own misery is just creating more misery.

We all get that IF is painful. Every single person here has felt the pain. Many of us have tried for years. Some succeed, some don't. But you decide what kind of a person you are going to be and the nobility inherent in your own life. At the end of your life, you can look back and see a miserable, rotten person who eventually drove others away because all she could think about was her own pain. Or you can see a person who had tough things happen but persevered and was an inspiration and a blessing to all who knew her. You decide what you want your legacy to be and what will make you proud of yourself.

When I was in the depths of IF hell my mantra was "I refuse to be that person". It kept me going for three long years with many disappointments. I would be darned if IF was going to take away my right to be a good and noble person and to wish the best for others. That was within my control.

Best wishes to you in your journey.
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Vampire for now!!
Vampire for now!!

December 22nd, 2011, 3:52 am #6

Thanks (nt)
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Mrs. A
Mrs. A

December 22nd, 2011, 4:06 am #7

I have turned in to a bitter person. I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist, because I already do see a therapist. I just want to know if anyone has ever felt the same way at some point.

So this is how I some days feel(not every day):

I hate every one, I have no sympathy for any one not even people with IF because I think my IF problem is somehow worse than theirs!!!
I hate all the kids and I hate anyone who gets pregnant no matter how that person got there. Even if one says that she did 10 IVFs. I feel like even 10 IVFs wont get me where she is today, having a child with OE, that is what I want NO DE, No ADOPTION, nothing, nothing, OE child!!! I feel envious to the whole universe, and if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain. I feel like the universe is a horrible place and if you were to add the happiness of all the people in the planet it wont be heavier than the sorrow and sadness of people with pain!!!. Sounds pretty horrible right? I kind of hate myself too for being such a horrible selfish person, I feel like a Vampire (Like Victoria from Twilight Movie!!!!!). Has anyone ever felt that way or am I the only horrible person in this IF world??
nope - I never felt that way despite all my years of TTC and all my failures. I never ever thought "if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain".

But TTC or not, miracle baby or not...I could care less if anything ever happened to a vicious and vile vampire.
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Mrs. A
Mrs. A

December 22nd, 2011, 4:15 am #8

I have turned in to a bitter person. I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist, because I already do see a therapist. I just want to know if anyone has ever felt the same way at some point.

So this is how I some days feel(not every day):

I hate every one, I have no sympathy for any one not even people with IF because I think my IF problem is somehow worse than theirs!!!
I hate all the kids and I hate anyone who gets pregnant no matter how that person got there. Even if one says that she did 10 IVFs. I feel like even 10 IVFs wont get me where she is today, having a child with OE, that is what I want NO DE, No ADOPTION, nothing, nothing, OE child!!! I feel envious to the whole universe, and if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain. I feel like the universe is a horrible place and if you were to add the happiness of all the people in the planet it wont be heavier than the sorrow and sadness of people with pain!!!. Sounds pretty horrible right? I kind of hate myself too for being such a horrible selfish person, I feel like a Vampire (Like Victoria from Twilight Movie!!!!!). Has anyone ever felt that way or am I the only horrible person in this IF world??
I think you should broaden your search and post on those other boards. You may get more responses that way.
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Vampire for now!!
Vampire for now!!

December 22nd, 2011, 4:19 am #9

nope - I never felt that way despite all my years of TTC and all my failures. I never ever thought "if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain".

But TTC or not, miracle baby or not...I could care less if anything ever happened to a vicious and vile vampire.
Somehow my therapist says these feeling are normal!!! Now I know better and I know I will have to fight it. I WILLL FIND A WAY TO FIGHT IT. I know these feelings arent normal and this is not me. I miss my old self, thats all I can say. Just dont hate me. Time to find a new therapist.
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Wren
Wren

December 22nd, 2011, 5:41 am #10

I have turned in to a bitter person. I dont need any advice or any one talking about miracles or telling me that I need to see a therapist, because I already do see a therapist. I just want to know if anyone has ever felt the same way at some point.

So this is how I some days feel(not every day):

I hate every one, I have no sympathy for any one not even people with IF because I think my IF problem is somehow worse than theirs!!!
I hate all the kids and I hate anyone who gets pregnant no matter how that person got there. Even if one says that she did 10 IVFs. I feel like even 10 IVFs wont get me where she is today, having a child with OE, that is what I want NO DE, No ADOPTION, nothing, nothing, OE child!!! I feel envious to the whole universe, and if something bad happens to someone it will be soothing for me cause I dont feel like the only person in pain. I feel like the universe is a horrible place and if you were to add the happiness of all the people in the planet it wont be heavier than the sorrow and sadness of people with pain!!!. Sounds pretty horrible right? I kind of hate myself too for being such a horrible selfish person, I feel like a Vampire (Like Victoria from Twilight Movie!!!!!). Has anyone ever felt that way or am I the only horrible person in this IF world??
I don't post here much anymore but still watch the board and pray for everyone here.

Your post comes across quite harsh. And even if it wasn't directed at anyone in particular the timing of it with Sara H's announcement is certainly suspicious.

So, from someone who has been there... Youngish, high fsh, cancer, etc...:

Is it normal to feel sad when the world around you is incredibly fertile? Yes.
Is it normal to be incredibly depressed about a dx of infertility? Yes
Is it normal to be jealous when someone else gets pregnant? Yes.
Is it normal to be even jealous when someone else who has had IF gets pregnant? Yes.
Is it normal to worry that It may never be you? Yes.
Is it normal to want a child so badly you would move heaven and earth to do so? Yes.

However:
Is it normal to so strongly hate people, including those in the trenches with you? no.
Is it normal to hate kids who didn't ask to be born to their parents? No
Is it normal to not be able to even slightly celebrate when someone overcomes what you are fighting? No
Is it normal to want someone else to be in pain? No
is it normal to think there are no other options for you to be a parent? No

Your bitterness is winning. And trust me, if you let it continue, it will sour your success should you have one.

You sound very very depressed. Your therapist may be helpful to you, but you may need some anti-depression meds. They can help you find hope and a way through it.

You have the power to choose- will my medical condition rule my character? Or will my character matter more.

Get some better help to cope. If there is one thing I learned on my own journey it's this: the mind, body and soul are indeed connected. We are not separate people from ourselves that way. Your attitude, mindset, anxieties, all leave physical marks in your body and soul. There is a reason many REs recommend acupuncture during a cycle with them- not because science has proven it helps medically but because it helps emotionally and mentally. Stress hormones reek havoc on the reproductive system along with other systems. I imagine your cortisol levels are through the roof and your adrenals are getting hit hard. In order to cope, you MUST take care of your whole self... After all, should you succeed, don't you want your body to be the safest, healthiest place for a developing baby?

I'll say it again: anti depression meds. For you, the risks of NOT taking them are much higher than the risks of taking them. And if you really don't want meds, try getting 5htp. It's a supplement that helps with depression, but usually only helps mild levels and you sound quite depressed.

And don't say or do something you will regret. Receiving the love and support of this board even those who have success is such a gift to you. Don't take it for granted.
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