Oh, Nature... ...why must your stupidity manifest itself anywhere near me...?

Oh, Nature... ...why must your stupidity manifest itself anywhere near me...?

Loki Luv, MD°
Loki Luv, MD°

March 18th, 2012, 2:01 am #1

`
I can hardly believe this is friggin' happening... ...it's like being in the "bush league twilite zone" or some damn thing...

One morning last week, I walk out the door to go to work and find bird shit all over my car, and what look like scratches all over the windshield and passenger-side window. I hose & swab the crap all off & find the "scratches" were thankfully apparently dirt rather than damage to the glass. I chalk it up to "general weirdness" and go on my merry way.
I come home that evening and find bird shit all over my porch & the railing, and the same kind of "scratches" on the glass of my storm door. I go what the fuck , clean that mess up, and carry on with the evening.

Next morning, it's the same damn thing with the shit on the goddam car !

Now I'm pissed off & paranoid.
I'm thinking it's dsome bizarre karmic retribution or some damn thing...
I'm running through my mind the many instances that I've wished some random person I encountered would die by asphyxiation, or in a gasoline fire, or being crushed by a wayward tractor-trailer truck, or propane grill tank explosion, or slip-and-fall incident due to loose carpeting on a staircase which causes them to break their neck, or cardiac arrest, or brain aneurism, or tragic gun-cleaning accident, or airliner crash, or random drive-by shooting, or terrorist bombing, or whatever ... ...and I'm wondering if maybe one of 'em was somebody's saintly old grand-mammy that went off the overpass after hitting "black ice" and was decapitated by the windshield being detached and flying back through the vehicle as it rolled down an embankment...
(hey...you expect me to like it when you change lanes without friggin' looking and almost drive me right off the goddam road ? You can't operate the goddam vehicle properly - stay the fuck home and rot )

But then as I'm coming home that day, I'm pulling up to my driveway, and damned if I don't see a robin sitting on the porch railing one second, then flinging itself at the glass in the storm-door the next !
The thing fled the scene as I pulled into the driveway, but damned if there wasn't friggin' bird shit all over the porch again.

Well now I figure some damn thing is up with this nutty friggin' bird, so I sorta-kinda keep an eye peeled for it now & again as the evening progresses, and damned if after a couple of hours I don't spot the son of a bitch perched on my passenger side mirror, and it proceeds to peck & lunge at the window like it's friggin' insane ! (not to mention shitting all over my mirror mount)
I dart out the dorr & chase it off, hose the shit off the car, and start thinking - is it trying to fight it's reflection, or FUCK it...?
Then later, just before dusk, I see what I presume is the same damned bird perched on my rear window wiper, doing the same routine with its reflection in the back window ! (not to mention shitting all over the back of the goddam car).

Now I'm thinking - You have got to fucking be kidding me ! Of all the stupid sons of bitches in all the shit-styes in all the land, how did I get the bloody fucking lunatic of the bird kingdom creating a veritable shit-storm in their existence ??!?!?!

This morning it was the same spiel... ...mirror mount & windshield all shat up this time, and same "window treatment" with the scratches. Then, in the evening, I'm sitting on the porch, and damned if I don't see the friggin' thing come along, land on the mirror mount & start eyeballing the car window again !
Naturally, I chase it off, (not to mention hose off the bit of shit the son of a bitch managed to deposit in those scant seconds) and after it's flown away I grab the graden hose & set m'self back down fer a spell. Sure as shit it kept coming back trying to get at the damned car again & again. I kept blasting at it with the hose & driving it away until around sunset, when I couldn't see to read any more.

As I see it, my problem is now how to kill this thing as soon as possible. I don't see any other way to stop the madness. I'm keeping my antique Webley single-shot pellet gun on a table next to the door ready to pop a hole in the dirty, no good flying shit factory at the next opportunity - and boy, I gotta tell ya, I sure as shit hope I only wound the filthy, worm-eating, miserable God damned flying rat, because you cannot even imagine how much I would enjoy racing out into my yard and stomping it's filthy little skull into a pancake of bone fragments and exploding brains with my nice old boots !

Alternately, I wil accept suggestions for what means I might use to poison it by leaving some toxin-laden avian foodstuffs where it might happen upon them. "Collateral damage" in the form of dead "innocent bystander" birds is of no concern to me whatever, I should mention. At this point, if someone were to present me with a scroll upon which a word was written that would kill every bird in a ten mile radius when spoken, I would have already spoken the word before they finished the warning that this would occur, simply to kill the goddam one shitting on my car that very second.

Oh, yeah... ...it's like that.

heh
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John
John

March 18th, 2012, 2:56 am #2

Antifreeze-soaked bird seed works for me. It not only eliminates those aforementioned flying shit factories, but culls down the number of raiding chipmunks and squirrels around the old castle as well.
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Loki Luv, MD°
Loki Luv, MD°

March 18th, 2012, 5:21 am #3

`
A question, though - how did you put the stuff out for avian consumption ?

I was "Googling" around for info on the eating habits of the American robin, looking for a clue as to what sort of "poison pill" to employ, and the prevailing wisdom seems to be that their feeding habits are such that they aren't attracted to bird feeder tyep "bird buffets".

I was thinking just plop some "tox-o-seed" on a wee old dish, or just right on the ground, since they seem to poke around in the grass looking for food.

Man... ...just thinking about this son of a bitch eating poison and dying in agony is going to make me sleep like a goddam baby !

hee hee hee hee hee hee hee !!!


Incidental note - not too many "tree rats" right around the immediate vicinity of RT. I think the trees are too sparsely spaced - so to speak - right around here. Couple of chipmunks now & again. And a rabbit ate all the Swiss Chard I tried to grow last year.
The ample bird population 'round these parts doesn't usually bother me - and I had crazed mallard ducks battling over a mate right in the driveway one year.
LoL
This wacky, deluded shitting machine's gotta go, though. I wish I could get my hands on 'im, just to hold 'im in one clenched fist, and smash his little head flat with the other !

hee !
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Loki Luv, MD°
Loki Luv, MD°

March 18th, 2012, 5:22 am #4

`
I spelled "type" wrong... ...I hate typos !

LoL
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celtredleg
celtredleg

March 18th, 2012, 6:46 am #5

Grab him by the head and then give him a quick up and down wrist flick. Totaly satisfying to see the body continue on and the head stays in your hand. Do it out in the grass, they spray more than a bit of blood.

Of course the good old gutshot works just fine as well.

Owen
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Dennis
Dennis

March 18th, 2012, 10:36 am #6

They should handle issues like this. But if I'm wrong, good luck with the "final solution!"
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John
John

March 18th, 2012, 6:11 pm #7

I use marshmallows soaked in anti freeze. For birds, I put the antifreeze soaked bird seed inside of jar lids and fix them to tree limbs and other places where birds roost.
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John
John

March 18th, 2012, 10:50 pm #8

your neighbors are going to wonder as to the reason for the plague of dead birds and critter animals in your neighborhood.
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Loki Luv, MD°
Loki Luv, MD°

March 18th, 2012, 11:39 pm #9

They should handle issues like this. But if I'm wrong, good luck with the "final solution!"
`
I haven't seen either of my "foster strays" Gritty Kitty and Son-of-a-Bitch Cat since 2 Summers ago. Saw paw prints from some meandering feline during a couple of rare days when the ground was snow-covered this Winter, but never did see the cat that made 'em. I presume "my" cats met their demise(s) in some way or another.
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Loki Luv, MD°
Loki Luv, MD°

March 19th, 2012, 12:03 am #10

your neighbors are going to wonder as to the reason for the plague of dead birds and critter animals in your neighborhood.
`
I thought about that. I am worried that a lot of dead birds being found will raise a false West Nile virus alarm, as it has been detected in dead birds in this area. I guess if I'm careful about placing the "treats", no one will be able to trace the actual cause back to me even if a lab was to detect what had actually killed the birds. I don't know if they just do a specific test for the virus if a number of dead birds are reported, or if some "wider" toxicology screening is done. The latter sounds expensive, so I doubt it.

I came up with an interim idea because I got distracted today and never got the birdseed/anti-freeze. I had a couple of mouse traps stuck in a drawer from back when I first moved into RT, because as I was cleaning out the stuff left behind by the folks who lived here before me, I found mouse droppings & thought the cheese-eating bastids might have set up shop here.
(I never did catch any, which I guess was better than if I had - nor did I ever see hide nor...err, crap of 'em again)
It occurred to me to set an "armed" one on the car mirror mount, and one on the porch rail where the bird had been landing. Maybe I'll get lucky and snap a wing on the sukka... ...or its neck.
LoL

On a related note - this son of a bitchin' bird is positively insane . This evening I sat outside & read for an hour and a half or so, and practically the whole damned time, I could see the very bird I want dead sitting on a tree branch near one of my back windows, eyeballing its reflection in the window pane and lunging at it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over. I could hear it clunking against the window as it pecked away at it's image... ...or rammed it, or whatever. I kept trying to sneak up on it and bash it with a stick, but the damned avian eyesight's too good.
Pity it didn't break its own neck flinging itself at the glass.

I don't really expect too many "incidental casualties" besides birds other than my nemesis. I suppose the odd meandering chipmunk or squirrel might snuff it. And if the rabbits who ate my Chard last year go, too - all the better.
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