Joke Thread

tc2324
canopy polisher
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Joined: 11 Feb 2011 22:43

14 Jan 2014 16:24 #1

Thought I`d start a joke thread as I saw the following and it made me chuckle.....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
74 `Tiger` Sqn Association Webmaster

Tiger, Tiger!


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mrvr6
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14 Jan 2014 17:05 #2

thats actually not bad lol
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Cimmerian
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Joined: 05 Oct 2011 08:28

14 Jan 2014 17:51 #3

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to Canterbury" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mum and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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Olde Farte
Modelling God
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Joined: 17 Dec 2012 15:17

15 Jan 2014 10:29 #4

:cool :clap: :rolf
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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beowulf
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15 Jan 2014 17:19 #5

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a bit of black shoe polish."
The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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Cimmerian
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15 Jan 2014 17:33 #6

:rolf
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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Cimmerian
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15 Jan 2014 19:08 #7

There was a knock on the door this past Sunday morning.
I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the hell out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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beowulf
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15 Jan 2014 21:16 #8

:rolf :rolf
The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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Olde Farte
Modelling God
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Joined: 17 Dec 2012 15:17

16 Jan 2014 12:05 #9

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.


'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hand and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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Cimmerian
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16 Jan 2014 12:35 #10

:rolf :rolf
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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jacksdad64
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Joined: 13 Dec 2013 16:23

16 Jan 2014 13:38 #11

Dwarf bumps into a girl wearing a mini-skirt


Gets a crack on the head.



:ninja:
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madmonk
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Joined: 25 Mar 2011 07:43

16 Jan 2014 14:14 #12

Gents,

Bearing in mind that we do have some younger members of the forum can we be careful with the jokes.

Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face!"

Cheers,

Warren

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mrvr6
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Joined: 04 Mar 2011 08:25

16 Jan 2014 15:04 #13

the csa
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DevilFish
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Joined: 14 Feb 2011 07:23

16 Jan 2014 15:17 #14

madmonk wrote:
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face!"

Cheers,

Warren
A bear walks into the same bar. Barman says........



















......why the large pause?
If anything I write can be taken two ways, and one way upsets you, I meant it the other way!


We hunt by day and night
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DevilFish
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Joined: 14 Feb 2011 07:23

16 Jan 2014 15:22 #15

A white horse walks into a bar. Barman says "We have a Whiskey named after you!"

"Really?" says the horse, "Brian?"


If anything I write can be taken two ways, and one way upsets you, I meant it the other way!


We hunt by day and night
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beowulf
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Joined: 08 Oct 2011 13:09

16 Jan 2014 17:32 #16

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "Do you have any helicopter flavoured potato chips?"

The barman shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."
The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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Cimmerian
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16 Jan 2014 21:14 #17

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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Cimmerian
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Joined: 05 Oct 2011 08:28

21 Jan 2014 19:29 #18

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked,
"What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry,
I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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Olde Farte
Modelling God
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Joined: 17 Dec 2012 15:17

22 Jan 2014 15:53 #19

Stand by, they're on their way. What a great idea for a WHIF. :rolf

Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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Cimmerian
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29 Jan 2014 21:48 #20

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
Would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
I am Groot

It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.?

Regards, Ken

On the bench


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