RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

3:41 PM - Aug 24, 2018 #2021



:blink:
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

11:54 AM - Aug 25, 2018 #2022



:ohmy
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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mac1677
heavy weatherer
heavy weatherer
Joined: 7:26 PM - Jan 15, 2016

7:34 AM - Aug 30, 2018 #2023

Regards

Mac

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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

12:23 PM - Sep 01, 2018 #2024



Remember! Cats are pets; dogs are allies. :grin:
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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mac1677
heavy weatherer
heavy weatherer
Joined: 7:26 PM - Jan 15, 2016

5:59 AM - Sep 08, 2018 #2025

Regards

Mac

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Olde Farte
Modelling God
Modelling God
Joined: 3:17 PM - Dec 17, 2012

7:39 AM - Sep 08, 2018 #2026

Three Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'

And *poof* she's gone.
 
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
 
The third says 'I want to be Sara Pipilini..'
 
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks

'Sara Pipilini,' replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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Olde Farte
Modelling God
Modelling God
Joined: 3:17 PM - Dec 17, 2012

8:29 AM - Sep 09, 2018 #2027

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

"May I help you sir?"  she asked.
The man replied,  "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, A gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row".  Where are you from?"
The man replied, "New Brunswick ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death
2.  Taxes; and
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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Olde Farte
Modelling God
Modelling God
Joined: 3:17 PM - Dec 17, 2012

11:31 AM - Sep 13, 2018 #2028

 A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"  He replies, "Yes, caffeine.  I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"  "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."  Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
 Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.  You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says.  "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

11:57 AM - Sep 21, 2018 #2029



You lose; care to play again?

:ohmy
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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Mark M
Plastic Legend
Plastic Legend
Joined: 4:22 PM - Feb 11, 2011

12:47 PM - Sep 21, 2018 #2030

dont think about a PINK ELEPHANT!!! 








doh you loose
Regards Mark
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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

1:08 PM - Sep 21, 2018 #2031

Mark M wrote: dont think about a PINK ELEPHANT!!! 








doh you loose
DID NOT!

Sum times I sits and I thinks, and sum times I just sits!  Right now, I justs sits.
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

1:36 AM - Sep 30, 2018 #2032

I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig."
“Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.”
"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

:wicked
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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beowulf
Kit reviewer
Kit reviewer
Joined: 1:09 PM - Oct 08, 2011

4:36 PM - Oct 01, 2018 #2033

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be a quiet one in Essex.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the unusual shaped coffin was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.".......

The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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beowulf
Kit reviewer
Kit reviewer
Joined: 1:09 PM - Oct 08, 2011

6:59 PM - Oct 03, 2018 #2034

A bloke out for a walk bumps into a pal, who has only one arm.
"What are you up to?" says the man.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," his mate replied.
Slightly concerned, he asks: "Won't that be difficult, with just one arm?"
"I shouldn't think so," his pal replied. "I've still got the receipt."
The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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mac1677
heavy weatherer
heavy weatherer
Joined: 7:26 PM - Jan 15, 2016

6:03 AM - Oct 09, 2018 #2035

Regards

Mac

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beowulf
Kit reviewer
Kit reviewer
Joined: 1:09 PM - Oct 08, 2011

11:23 AM - Oct 09, 2018 #2036

I once found Michael Caine quivering outside the toilets at Whipsnade Safari Park.
.
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.
.
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.
.
Still terrified by zoo loos...
The other Paul

muerte al enemigo que vuela





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Olde Farte
Modelling God
Modelling God
Joined: 3:17 PM - Dec 17, 2012

1:51 PM - Oct 13, 2018 #2037

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
 
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
 
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?  We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said, "Here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"  The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
 
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."  Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."  He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."  Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"  The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
 
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.  A  blond  woman walked by and asked what they were doing.  "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,"
said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a  couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.  Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.  One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"  Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as members of Congress.
Delboy AKA Papa Smurf


Manyana, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?"
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Disorder
Kit reviewer
Kit reviewer
Joined: 5:03 PM - Feb 20, 2013

4:48 PM - Oct 13, 2018 #2038

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
Regards, Paddy.
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RJ Tucker
resin fondler
resin fondler
Joined: 2:34 AM - Nov 26, 2015

7:34 PM - Oct 14, 2018 #2039

Be the one that makes someone smile today....

-OR-

...leave early to get a drink. 

….as circumstances require. 

🍺
RJ

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, and in water there is bacteria."
- Benjamin Franklin Author unknown



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