Would anyone feel like a gestational carrier instead of a mother?

Would anyone feel like a gestational carrier instead of a mother?

StacyH
StacyH

June 18th, 2012, 6:10 pm #1

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
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jerseyblue
jerseyblue

June 18th, 2012, 6:20 pm #2

And my Dad told me something that stuck with me. Having a child does not make you a parent. Raising a child does.

In my experience, once I was pregnant I knew this baby inside me was my baby and those feelings left me. Not sure if it is the same for everyone. Regardless, no matter how a child comes to you: by being pregnant, by gestational carrier, by adoption - this child is yours to parent. GL!
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thesameboat
thesameboat

June 18th, 2012, 6:28 pm #3

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
But since we aren't, the baby is ours. There really is no difference in how much this child is 'our' child than in how someone else's is. This child would never exist if we, the parents, hadn 't gone to great measures to create him or her.

No, I never felt like a gestational carrier. Wishing you the best of luck.
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BlessedThistle
BlessedThistle

June 18th, 2012, 7:16 pm #4

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
It was so hard to grasp that these were actually MY babies I was carrying. I think that they came from donor embryos with five full siblings elsewhere did not help me feel like they were mine. And I had no pictures and very limited physical description of the donors. It was all very surreal and just as I was starting to feel like they were really mine, maybe, I was in the hospital trying not to give birth at 24 weeks - I lasted 8 days. Then of course nothing mattere but that these little people I had brought into the world should live and the disconnect during pregnancy became a nonissue. But yes, it was hard.
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Joined: December 21st, 2011, 7:41 pm

June 18th, 2012, 7:19 pm #5

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
Thankfully, not at all - From the second I saw a pic of the embryo I felt like it was "mine" and even now (15 weeks) I say "my baby this, my baby that" and then I look at my husband and correct myself - "our baby" - don't want him to feel left out (ha)!
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Joined: July 29th, 2009, 6:13 pm

June 18th, 2012, 7:23 pm #6

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
I never felt that way. I have posted this before on the pink board but now that I have my DD I would not trade her for anything. If you told me I could go back and have a baby with my DNA but the catch is that I could not have my DD, that is a non-starter. She is the baby I was meant to have. Others may not have felt this but I bonded with her from the beginning. In total, I had 15 embies transferred into me over 4 fresh and 2 frozen transers (4 OE embies and and 11 DE embies) and I felt like all of them were my babies. It did not matter OE vs. DE -- they were mine and I wanted all of them. I had some agnst right after my OE IVF did not work but once I started working on my DE cycles, it felt no different to me. I was not a GC, I was a mommy trying to get her baby.
Last edited by JuJules on June 18th, 2012, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Dee
Dee

June 18th, 2012, 7:36 pm #7

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
well, you have to look at it this way: if you aren't the mother of your baby, then nobody is. A donor cannot be the mother of your child, since she did not agree to that role.
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Piper
Piper

June 18th, 2012, 9:27 pm #8

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
But I can certainly understand your feelings.

The only time I was pregnant with OE was before we had really started to try to have a baby. I was nervous and scared but excited that the "decision" to "try" had been made for us. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a m/c at 14 weeks. The big surprise came when we tried to get pregnant again right away and found out how difficult it would be.

Three years and many failed IVF cycles later,we moved on to using IVF with DE. When I finally accepted that we were not going to be able to have a child with my eggs, I was devastated. Literally heartbroken and thought the grieving would never end. It took the better part of a year to fully accept the reality and even then, I was nervous about using DE.

I was one of the lucky ones who found success on the first try and first cycle with DE. I was terrified the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong but I had a healthy baby who is the most wonderful child I could have ever imagined.

You will find a lot of support and empathy on this board. I am sorry for your infertility that has brought you here but glad that you found this safe place to ask questions.
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futurebeauty
futurebeauty

June 18th, 2012, 10:47 pm #9

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
I gave birth to 2 OE kids in the past and turned to DE after 5 OE m/c's (3 b/t kids and 2 afterwards). I got pg w/ twins from my first DE cycle in Dec and those babies felt the exact same as my OE babies and no difference at all except that I m/c'd the twins one at 9 wks and the other at 14 wks. I can tell you that my twin pg was much harder on my body than my singleton pregnancies but those babies really felt the same.

I can only hope that I get another chance to bring a baby into the world. Please believe that it does not matter. I have said this before that I never once thought about my OE kids as OE kids until my fertility failed over and over again and I was introduced to DE.

My daughter looks like me (only recently and she is 7) and my son looks like DH but I hardly ever think about it as I am too busy raising them. All my family cares about is having another person to love to complete our family as someone is missing.

I like TSB post that we are only surrogates if we give our child away.

HTH,

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

June 19th, 2012, 1:25 am #10

I am just thinking of how we would really just be that. What do you think? Makes me sad.
I can see how you would bring that up, and how some could feel that way, but I always felt like their "real" mother. "Mothering" does not just happen in-utero, either. It is a verb, and it entails the actual caring for and raising of the child (so women who need to use both a gestational carrier and an egg donor are still the mother!). Carrying the child does make you the biological if not genetic mother. For me, that meant a lot, and I would have been sadder using my eggs and a carrier than using someone else's eggs and my own uterus. Having had an OE child, for me, pregnancy was very important and in fact the most important part. My kids may not end up feeling that way. Time will tell.
Last edited by doglvr on June 19th, 2012, 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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