What would you ask your donor?

What would you ask your donor?

Anon for this
Anon for this

April 13th, 2012, 1:02 am #1

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?

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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

April 13th, 2012, 4:09 am #2

Hi ya,
I met my donor. We sort of hung out together when I was over there doing the cycle. Its a while back now. She has children of her own. I didn't ask her anything I don't think.
I unknowingly observed her though and through that any questions I might have had were answered. If I had not done this then I think I would have wanted to know the following:
Was she a caring person, happy in herself, smart, intelligent (emotionally and mentally), someone who enjoys life.

Unknowingly observing her I saw she is a very caring person, a happy person who loves her children very much... I saw that in action.
I learnt a lot about looking after very young babies from her and her mother (I stayed with them when I did my cycle as her mother has a fertility clinic. I had a fun time haaha).

I remember saying directly whilst looking her in the eyes 'thankyou (name) thankyou very much'. My DS has her colored eyes which are a very beautiful pale sea green/blue.
When we met again after DS was born it was a little awkward. Awkward only because I'd been so busy with him I'd not done any mental processing about meeting her again. I was really fine with seeing her again and was looking forward to it. But because I'd not had the time to think about stuff I hadn't thought how to make things easy on her and I was sorry about that. In hindsight I'd have like to say something like 'Isn't this a strange situation and isn't he a lovely boy' (and then smiled).
You could ask your donor things like 'how do you feel about donating your eggs' and then just see where that takes you and go from there...
thanks, THK
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Hope2009
Hope2009

April 13th, 2012, 5:49 am #3

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?
This is what I wanted to know when I started my relationship with our donor. Over the course of 6 months I got to know who she really was...what she dreamed about and how she looked at life...that was the stuff that I want to be able to share with our children. When we met in person she was exactly how I pictured her...I have wonderful memories and stories to share with our children some day. We are all different regarding how we process the donor aspect of creating our children but since I believe that we are spirits first on an earthly journey, this stuff was most important to me. I hope this poem resonates with your soul.


The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."


We still stay in touch with our donor and she continues to amaze me with her ability to live fully and experience all life has to offer. She is young, but she is an old soul. Oprah often says what do you know for sure...'I know that our children were blessed to come to earth with her in our magic circle.' I hope you find what will work for you and your soulbaby.

Blessings from Hope




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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

April 13th, 2012, 8:07 am #4

In late summer on a perfect day in a glade of 700yearold podocarps with bellbirds singing so loudly we could hardly hear the proceedings.
I LOVE this poem; especially the bit about getting up after a long dark night of the soul to see to the children!
thanks for posting this; I'm printing it out to put on our fridge...
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Joined: March 31st, 2008, 2:24 pm

April 13th, 2012, 10:04 am #5

Hope this brought tears to my eyes, as always you have such words of wisdom. You made me look at my self and ask if I am ready for and deserving of my soul baby. And yes I believe I am. More importantly I believe.
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Piper
Piper

April 13th, 2012, 12:59 pm #6

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?
This could end up being a very good thing BUT it is also important to respect your own comfort level. If I may make a suggestion, why don't you meet with her and have the meeting facilitated by an ART therapist?

Yes, it is going to cost you a little bit of extra money (between 150 and 250-- maybe a bit less) but will go a long way in putting your mind at ease.

Your clinic can suggest an ART therapist or you can go to www.creatingafamily.org to find someone in your area that specializes in ART--and talk to her on the phone before the meeting so she knows what to prepare for...

This way, you do not have to stress over this meeting and you can have a neutral and professional third party to help and assist you. This may end up being a wonderful opportunity--or there could be something that is not within your comfort level. Either way, though, you will have the support and guidance you need and that is what is the most important thing!
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sugar
sugar

April 13th, 2012, 1:54 pm #7

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?
I am pretty sure that my clinic is anonymous with the exception of photos and bio/psycho/social. Since most likely I will not meet the donor & ask her quesitons directly it is important for me to gain a sense of who she is. It is important for me that she leads with her heart and is feeling centered rather than cerebrally centered. Intelligence is very important to both my DH and I yet I also know that someone with only a HS education can be extremely intelligent but for many reasons did not go on to get an advanced degree. So I will not r/o a donor with only a HS education. I will be looking closely at how they responded on the bio/psycho/social and try to gain a sense of them from their photos. I trust my sense of people so at least I can rely on that. However, if I could ask them a question directly it would be "Who are you?" "Tell me about you and what makes you - You?"..
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green.elephant
green.elephant

April 13th, 2012, 2:44 pm #8

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?
I didn't meet my donor, but my agency facilitates meetings with the agency director present to lead the conversation - so if you meet with your donor, you may want to consider adding a 3rd party that's done it a million times to help things go smoothly, like a previous poster suggested.

Am I the only one confused as to why having a + test means this can't be an anonymous donation? Can you just know who she is but maintain your own anonymity? If you have mixed feelings about meeting her, which are absolutely normal, then can you just proceed without meeting? If you need to maintain future contact you can do so anonymously via the Donor Sibling Registry - it's a great way for donors & intended parents to keep in touch while maintaining anonymity.
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Joined: August 17th, 2011, 2:17 pm

April 13th, 2012, 3:17 pm #9

This is what I wanted to know when I started my relationship with our donor. Over the course of 6 months I got to know who she really was...what she dreamed about and how she looked at life...that was the stuff that I want to be able to share with our children. When we met in person she was exactly how I pictured her...I have wonderful memories and stories to share with our children some day. We are all different regarding how we process the donor aspect of creating our children but since I believe that we are spirits first on an earthly journey, this stuff was most important to me. I hope this poem resonates with your soul.


The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Canadian Teacher and Author

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."


We still stay in touch with our donor and she continues to amaze me with her ability to live fully and experience all life has to offer. She is young, but she is an old soul. Oprah often says what do you know for sure...'I know that our children were blessed to come to earth with her in our magic circle.' I hope you find what will work for you and your soulbaby.

Blessings from Hope



I kept this printed out and at the bottom of inbox at work for years and would occasionally take it out and read it in the middle of my stressful work days to remind me what's important. I haven't thought about it in a long while. Thanks for bringing it back into my consciousness!
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OP
OP

April 13th, 2012, 4:32 pm #10

I really appreciated reading the varying opinions on whether to look at donor photos or not from the post last week. I didn't really think about it from the child's perspective at all until reading the responses, but the insights really have been illuminating.

After a long road of donors falling through for different reasons, we found a proven donor that we absolutely adore. She had a communicable disease test come back positive, and because of that, we can't have an anonymous donation. The positive test is not an issue for reasons I can't get into....I have many mixed feelings about meeting her, and have actually thought about finding another donor to maintain anonymity. Mainly because worry of my own lack of ability to handle a meeting, sadly enough. I've cried and cursed the world, and wish I were one of those people who could insist on an open donation, have dinner with our donor like I've read about from other people doing. Just haven't been able to get comfortable with it.

The comments about how seeing a donor photo may be important to the child later on, really opened my eyes a bit, and made me consider perhaps meeting our donor can actually be a positive thing if I can put my issues aside.

It helps to think of what I may want to know about her outside her profile. Have you thought of questions you would like to ask your donor if you had the chance to meet her (or if you actually did meet her)?
Such wise input, and am so grateful! I never thought of having a neutral 3rd party "facilitate", what a fantastic idea. And Hope, that poem brought tears to my eyes. thank you so much for sharing it. I am so torn and I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

Regarding the test, I was very confused at first too because I had never heard about this on any board, clinic etc. It is an FDA requirement that if you are accepting cells (blood cells or egg cell) from an individual with a positive test for a communicable disease (HIV, syphilis, hepatitis etc.) you have to be known to each other. Depending on the clinic, "known" means different things. It could mean just an email exchange, a phone call, or an in person meeting.

I need to make a decision soon, and really am thankful for your input...
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