What to do? (adoption ment)

What to do? (adoption ment)

Joined: February 24th, 2006, 7:42 am

December 14th, 2010, 6:44 pm #1

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

December 14th, 2010, 6:50 pm #2

How is your friend intending to get pregnant? How would this be an adoption and not surrogacy? It sounds like she would not be using your husbands sperm? Sorry, your post kind of confused me.
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Joined: February 24th, 2006, 7:42 am

December 14th, 2010, 6:58 pm #3

my husband has no sperm, so he has never been in the equation except for the one or two sperm they found and then we did ICSI/IVF.
This friend is no longer married and has two young kids of her own, so she says she will ask a friend of hers to donate. All very odd I know, but if it gets me a baby I am happy.
Spoke to our social worker today and she said she could come to SA have the baby and say she wants to put it up for adoption. Otherwise papers have to be signed before hand and since it is not my husbands sperm, it is not really surrogacy.
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Orchid
Orchid

December 14th, 2010, 9:34 pm #4

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
You are lucky! I would go for it!

It's funny because my grandparents housekeeper got pregnant and I was like...well, is there any way to see if you she's going to give it up for adoption?

I just kept wishing something like this would happen to me! I have heard other stories like this.

It sounds wonderful. Of course, Dylan is an amazing kid and that would be very tempting to pursue also.

But this is a pretty fabulous dilemma. I would adopt the child that is coming into the world soon. That is like a gift from heaven. I would never be able to let that go. (That's probably why infertility drives me so nuts...I imagine being mom to all these imaginary kids--but the same thing would happen with a potential adoptee!)
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Orchid
Orchid

December 14th, 2010, 9:35 pm #5

How is your friend intending to get pregnant? How would this be an adoption and not surrogacy? It sounds like she would not be using your husbands sperm? Sorry, your post kind of confused me.
I remember you from a long time ago!

I hope you and yours are well...
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Joined: February 24th, 2006, 7:42 am

December 14th, 2010, 9:51 pm #6

You are lucky! I would go for it!

It's funny because my grandparents housekeeper got pregnant and I was like...well, is there any way to see if you she's going to give it up for adoption?

I just kept wishing something like this would happen to me! I have heard other stories like this.

It sounds wonderful. Of course, Dylan is an amazing kid and that would be very tempting to pursue also.

But this is a pretty fabulous dilemma. I would adopt the child that is coming into the world soon. That is like a gift from heaven. I would never be able to let that go. (That's probably why infertility drives me so nuts...I imagine being mom to all these imaginary kids--but the same thing would happen with a potential adoptee!)
that I would take a monkey from the bush and being here in South Africa, we do have monkeys in our garden. I am a bit like you when it comes to infertility. If I think of the things I have done to try and get pregnant. We have a lot of gay guy friends, so used 2 of them as donors. I hate this age thing and want a baby sooner than later. We went thru 11 years of infertility and it became a drug to me. Even now, that I know this is about to take place, I am now on a mission again. I drive dh crazy!
All the best with your ttc. I know only too well what it is like.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

December 15th, 2010, 3:47 am #7

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
I'd definitely go for it ASAP!
Good LUCK!
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Joined: February 19th, 2006, 7:29 am

December 15th, 2010, 6:08 am #8

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
and go with Dylan's birth mom when you can. Grab all your options and if one doesn't work out for some reason you will not be sad and starting all over.
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E&H
E&H

December 15th, 2010, 9:39 am #9

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
Well, I'd be worried that she'd change her mind half way through and decide to keep it. I'd be worried it would ruin a good friendship. I'd be worried that I don't know the sperm donor - would she sleep with the guy or do IUI? What is her incentive other than friendship to come from abroad to do this?

You have the most gorgeous ds and I would be inclined to ask the birth mother of Dylan to do a similar thing. To go ahead with an IUI using donor sperm of your choice and for you to pay her when your inheritance goes through. You already know this lady has no problem in handing over a child and you already know her eggs make darned cute babies.

Just my thoughts - I really would try and work something out that is beneficial and doable for all concerned. I'm sure you could come to a compromise. I think IUI's are cheaper in South Africa and here they are only USD200 so maybe Dylan's birth mum wouldn't mind trying and receiving payment at a later date.
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Catherine
Catherine

December 15th, 2010, 10:38 am #10

It never rains but pours, but it doesn't make things easier. A friend of mine has offered to have a baby for dh and I. She is South African but lives abroad and plans to have the baby here where we will adopt it. It won't be a surrogacy but an adoption. We wanted to go with Dylan's birth mom but that will only happen next year some time when my inheritance comes through.......so am thinking of her going ahead and trying to fall pregnant in the meantime and if it doesn't work, going ahead with Dylan's birth mom. It is all crazy, but I am 47 and feel the sooner the better, plus she has full medical cover there, so we will only have to pay for the birth. Am I crazy or not??? Haven't even told Dh yet.
Brandy
(Durban, South Africa)
I would be very wary of doing something so complicated with a friend. I'm sure she has the very best of intentions but you never know how things are going to work out in the end. What if it turns out to be a very difficult pregnancy and she ends up resenting it? What if you turn out to have very different views on antenatal testing and care during pregnancy? What if she wants to keep the baby after all? Any number of things could go wrong.

When it comes to something as important as this, I would always prefer a relative stranger over a friend or relative. I think it is far easier to come to a clear-cut agreement with someone who doesn't have such a close relationship with you. Dylan's birth mum has already given up children for adoption so she knows what she is getting into, so I would see her as a far lower risk. Also you would have the genetic connection to Dylan.

You are very lucky to have such a generous friend, but I would be inclined to decline her offer and stick with Dylan's birth mother.

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