Joined: February 11th, 2008, 6:45 am

November 21st, 2014, 9:48 pm #21

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
You may have addressed this to another poster but I haven't read all the replies.

What about the situation is "agonizing" for you?
Is it giving up your own chance to have a 3rd child, or because the child would be a full sib to your children, or because of religious beliefs?

I can tell you I would donate to another couple/individual if anyone wanted a single embryo. Maybe no one would, but I would try. I would attempt to find someone who would be open to the children having contact in the future.

This of course is based on my own belief system, and the fact that DH and I donated all of our remaining embryos to another couple. Sadly, none of her transfers took, which was surprising. I am still heartbroken about that from time to time.

When my boys turned 2 I brought it up with DH. I was shocked and appalled when he said, "Just get rid of them", meaning, "Have the clinic destroy them". He was the one who, before the boys were even conceived, said he wanted to donate remaining embryos to another couple. I guess he had what he wanted and didn't give a shit anymore. For me, because I loved my boys so deeply, I couldn't imagine destroying what might turn into a full sibling for them. I loved those embies because they were genetically my kids' brothers and sisters. When I told DH how I felt he made fun of my beliefs and put me down. I think my love for him dwindled done to nothing after that. Anyway...I digress. I put my foot down. I also put my foot down when he insisted it be an anon donation. He had some absurd notion about this other family landing on our doorstep making demands of him as the genetic father. In the end, I found a recipient (who became a good friend through e-mail and text). She and her husband both wrote DH letters telling them how much they wanted the embies and telling him about themselves. That turned him around and he agreed to donate. After 3 transfers with she and I both crying with every bfn, they did a fresh donor cycle and she had a child.

I guess I also wanted to be able to feel proud of my decision when I someday tell the boys what happened to those other embryos. That I did everything I could to give them a chance to become babies. I just kept thinking, "What if we had only transferred one of the embies that later became my son? What if we had destroyed Mr. M? Or Mr. A? Unthinkable, right, to imagine if one of kids never existed.

So this is just me, and our story. Search your heart. Take your time to figure out what is right for you in the long term because you'll have to live with that decision forever. I know some women put their husbands before their kids. I put my kids first and my own values when it comes to things like this. And for me, the embryos were like "kids" to me.

Hang in there hon, and bless you for taking the time to think this through and not act hastily. That way, you won't have regrets.
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Joined: February 11th, 2008, 6:45 am

November 21st, 2014, 10:05 pm #22

to my knowledge, there is not a clinic that allows you to choose--if you go through their program it is generally anonymous. There are many ways to direct your choice, however, through private institutions or through an ART attorney. You do not have to donate through your clinic.
I found my own recipient and she and I figured it all out with our respective clinics. We had an ART attorney draw up papers. Easy peasy. Our clinic no longer had a donation program, so that might be why they didn't have an issue with this.
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Joined: July 19th, 2006, 6:58 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 2:02 am #23

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
We had five embryos left. An unbelievable amount when you consider that they were from one cycle that produced two children and enough embryos for the three transfers I did. When DD2 was about a year old I contacted the clinic and asked them to use them for research or destroy them. I am not sure which they did. I knew three children was too many for me and I also know that I personally felt I had reached my own self imposed age limit. I was 42 which I know is actually pretty young but for a variety of reasons, it was my limit (which may very well have changed had I not had success!). We did not feel comfortable donating to another couple. This was the right decision for us but I realize it is not the right decision everyone. Wishing you luck as you make your decision-it is not an easy one.

P
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Joined: November 19th, 2014, 10:27 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 4:12 am #24

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
i remember reading something like only 5%- 6% of IVF patients with extra embryos donate them. People may intend to in higher numbers before having children but the reality is they choose not to. So you aren't alone in your ambiguity.

I would suggest finding a lower cost long term storage outside your clinic (or with the help of your clinic) so you don't have to make a decision one way or the other for now. Your clinic rate sounds way high IMHO.

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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 4:37 am #25

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
I apologize for the short group response but I'm just toast. It's been a long week & this was only one part of it.

I know I need to dig out the paperwork they send every year & look it over. I also probably need to at least move it to long term storage, at the very least, assuming I can't make any other decision. I appreciate all your thoughtful responses & I've read every one. I know I will re-read them again, as well.
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Joined: November 20th, 2006, 6:03 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 1:08 pm #26

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
I'll be very blunt... it's unlikely a clinic will allow you to donate just one embie. You have to jump through so many hoops to donate (it's expensive for recipient to hire lawyer for you, lawyer for her, meds, etc etc etc) - and most clinics won't let patients incur all of those charges without a more certain chance of making it to transfer. I think my clinic won't allow donation through them with less than 4 embies. With only one to donate, and not 100% making it through thaw process, it would not be a good bet for their patients. That said... your embies have an amazing track record . So possibly a directed donation (known recipient) would be acceptable? Since you are sure you are done I would move to a less expensive location (if your clinic now wouldn't take it back to cycle, someone else very good would - mine in CA would! Excellent stats and they can be bulled into whatever treatment you need - BTDT .) Your other option of course is compassionate transfer. I hear you about not being able to let go completely (the what if scenario is terrifying) - so why not put it somewhere much cheaper until the boys are old enough that even if (G*D FORBID) something happened, you wouldn't consider cycling with a GC? I don't know when that would be, but there is no reason to pressure yourself about that yet.

Final option... just take a deep breath and pay the bill every year, and give yourself permission to "waste" that money - i.e. spend it on something that gives you comfort in a very meaningful way, WITHOUT GUILT. Just pay and let it go.

There is no wrong decision, friend. Just make a decision before you make a decision, not to blame yourself or experience any guilt over the financial portion. You will know when you are ok with letting go for good. ((Hugs)).
Kenny
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Joined: November 20th, 2006, 6:03 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 1:08 pm #27

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
I'll be very blunt... it's unlikely a clinic will allow you to donate just one embie. You have to jump through so many hoops to donate (it's expensive for recipient to hire lawyer for you, lawyer for her, meds, etc etc etc) - and most clinics won't let patients incur all of those charges without a more certain chance of making it to transfer. I think my clinic won't allow donation through them with less than 4 embies. With only one to donate, and not 100% making it through thaw process, it would not be a good bet for their patients. That said... your embies have an amazing track record . So possibly a directed donation (known recipient) would be acceptable? Since you are sure you are done I would move to a less expensive location (if your clinic now wouldn't take it back to cycle, someone else very good would - mine in CA would! Excellent stats and they can be bulled into whatever treatment you need - BTDT .) Your other option of course is compassionate transfer. I hear you about not being able to let go completely (the what if scenario is terrifying) - so why not put it somewhere much cheaper until the boys are old enough that even if (G*D FORBID) something happened, you wouldn't consider cycling with a GC? I don't know when that would be, but there is no reason to pressure yourself about that yet.

Final option... just take a deep breath and pay the bill every year, and give yourself permission to "waste" that money - i.e. spend it on something that gives you comfort in a very meaningful way, WITHOUT GUILT. Just pay and let it go.

There is no wrong decision, friend. Just make a decision before you make a decision, not to blame yourself or experience any guilt over the financial portion. You will know when you are ok with letting go for good. ((Hugs)).
Kenny
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Joined: December 2nd, 2012, 7:29 pm

November 22nd, 2014, 3:15 pm #28

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
Hi Ariadne,

I'm still in the "what do we do with our frosties?" dilemma, too.

Right now we're grappling with whether to try for a second or not. I think it's more likely not, as I am not convinced we could be good parents to more than one, given several circumstances in our lives. We have 2 embryos on ice.

There's a strong preference on these boards to donate, which is fine, as long as everyone is respectful that it's a highly personal decision that each of us has the right and responsibility to make on our own. Should we definitively decide to be one and done, I doubt we'll donate. It's just not what's feeling right to me. And if my DH and I have different wishes for our frosties, I personally believe his wishes will and should have an edge over mine, as it's his genetic material.

Fortunately, our clinic's storage fees are only $450 per year, so it was relatively easy for us to decide to keep paying. What you're being charged seems unfairly high! Good luck with your decision! As the saying goes, "flip a coin, and as it's about to land, you'll know what you're hoping for..."

All my best.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

November 23rd, 2014, 5:15 pm #29

I'll be very blunt... it's unlikely a clinic will allow you to donate just one embie. You have to jump through so many hoops to donate (it's expensive for recipient to hire lawyer for you, lawyer for her, meds, etc etc etc) - and most clinics won't let patients incur all of those charges without a more certain chance of making it to transfer. I think my clinic won't allow donation through them with less than 4 embies. With only one to donate, and not 100% making it through thaw process, it would not be a good bet for their patients. That said... your embies have an amazing track record . So possibly a directed donation (known recipient) would be acceptable? Since you are sure you are done I would move to a less expensive location (if your clinic now wouldn't take it back to cycle, someone else very good would - mine in CA would! Excellent stats and they can be bulled into whatever treatment you need - BTDT .) Your other option of course is compassionate transfer. I hear you about not being able to let go completely (the what if scenario is terrifying) - so why not put it somewhere much cheaper until the boys are old enough that even if (G*D FORBID) something happened, you wouldn't consider cycling with a GC? I don't know when that would be, but there is no reason to pressure yourself about that yet.

Final option... just take a deep breath and pay the bill every year, and give yourself permission to "waste" that money - i.e. spend it on something that gives you comfort in a very meaningful way, WITHOUT GUILT. Just pay and let it go.

There is no wrong decision, friend. Just make a decision before you make a decision, not to blame yourself or experience any guilt over the financial portion. You will know when you are ok with letting go for good. ((Hugs)).
Kenny
Is it necessary to have legal representation for embryo donation through the clinic where the embryos were created and where they are already being stored? I was assuming that it was similar to egg donation in that regard (we used a clinic donor and did not have a lawyer). We have made a decision to donate in theory but have not met with the clinic yet to talk about the logistics.
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Joined: August 22nd, 2008, 3:29 pm

November 23rd, 2014, 7:20 pm #30

Can I ask for you would do? We have 1 embryo left from the cycle in which I conceived our 2nd child. (We used used same donor for both fresh cycles, so the embryo would result in a full sibling for both of my children.)

We are paying a sickening amount of money to store it with the clinic. Appalling, really, & my inertia has led to paying it year after year. We have paid for 3 years so far at more than $100 a month. I swore when I paid the last bill I would make a decision & yet here I am.

We are done. Or at least are done in the absence of some horrific tragedy. I had a hyst. so any future cycle would require a GC & we have no intention on having a 3rd via GC.

Do we donate? We only have 1 although it is a day 6 blast. And dh would struggle with this. Yet he remains blissfully unconcerned with the bills or the storage issue. He's aware we have 1 left & we pay for storage but otherwise, he is blissfully ignorant.

Long term storage?

It is agonizing, yet at more than $100 per month, I have got to make a decision. This one is tearing me up.
that you are experiencing the agonizing decision of what to do with your remaining embryo. I do know to an extent what you may be feeling as we had two 5 day blasts frozen. They were the same quality as Will and the girls...all rated as 18/20 which is a high quality in our clinic in Victoria.

All through my pgcy with the twins I thought about those remaining embryos. I treasured my pgcy all the more b/c in my heart I knew we were done. As you know I was aging out to work with our clinic as their cut off is 51 and I was going to be 51 when the babies were born. Also, I had pushed my DH to the farthest limit he could endure by asking to do the FET which brought the twins to us.

Still, I kept thinking about it from my children's perspective and fast forward to the story I wanted to share with them. I was SO happy that I had given Will, little sisters with the same genetics. They are like a magic trio. But, I also see they really fit in with the rest of the family as well even though they are genetically 1/2 siblings to our other children.

This further has taught me that it's not about our genetic connection but our love connection. I have been consciously teaching my youngest children from the moment they were born to believe that we are spirits first living an earthly experience and how we come onto the earth, the colour of our eyes, our skin, our religious beliefs, none of it is as important as how we love and care for one another on this earth. It's not until we start truly thinking of others and treating them as how we would want to be treated that our world will live in peace.

And so if I really believe this, I had to walk my talk and donate our two remaining embryos back to our clinic. They would try to adopt them out and give another couple a chance to have a baby...maybe even two. I have days when I think about those embryos and wonder what happened to them...but then I shake my head and remember that the whole journey to get here was teaching me to let go and trust.

I'm so very blessed to be a mom to these children...all of them but my children born via DE's have taught me the most valuable lessons on earth. I hope that one day I finish my memoir and my children, grandchildren will understand my mindset and maybe even, as a result of the love I feel towards everyone, will feel the ripples of that in their lifetime. I know it is already happening as Will is a shining soul and spreads love wherever he goes....I'm trusting he will understand and get my motives in letting go of his potential siblings....they will just be raised in someone else's immediate family. Not knowing if this person or that person could be his siblings...may even reinforce the belief that we are all connected on earth.

As far as the money goes....well my belief is money is just energy and it always comes when we really want something. I do know the stress of meeting monthly commitments though....and $100.00 a month would pay for one of the twins to go to preschool for instance....but if you aren't able to make the decision this year....and you feel your may regret it in the future...be creative and find a way for 1200.00 to come to you so you don't have to make this decision yet...think of it as buying you time. Everyone comes to important decisions in their own time and it sounds like you aren't there yet..and also that you may have regrets.

When I think about when I started ttc in my mid 40's....it would have been so much easier if we had just moved to DE's from the start...I would have a 10 year old by now...but I NEEDED to go through the loss and grief in order to grow as a soul. Although, it cost a fortune to finally have our babies...years of acupuncture, naturopathic appointments scrutinizing my charts, untold shots of wheat grass, clomid cycles, (I know it would have been worse had we been close to a feritlity clinic as I would have been doing ART for sure)....but it was what I needed to experience at the time.

it would be lovely if we could just float through life without any difficulties but then why would we have even come at all.....everytime I have to make a difficult decision or choose the path to take next I first say, Thank you...and then I spend a bit more time in nature, out in my garden, or in seated meditation...the answer always comes to me even though I may not be actively seeking it....letting it go and then being still has been one of the things that has been taught to me as the path to take now...thank you GOD!!!! for that...and my the journey with my soulbabies.

You will find what is right for you....grab the boys, put a coat on your husband and go out for a long walk in a park or whatever nature you have near your home...let the joy fill you up,...it's hard to come to a fork in the road and know which direction to take if we aren't grateful for where we are and where we have come from.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you decide which fork to take.

Blessings and hugs from Hope
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