Vent re: DH struggling with DE idea (losses/child ment)

Vent re: DH struggling with DE idea (losses/child ment)

Joined: June 25th, 2012, 2:35 am

July 3rd, 2012, 2:38 am #1

Hi, I posted recently that I have 'seen the light' and now want to eagerly move on DE. However, my dh is not there (yet?) and wants to go again with my eggs. Ugh. I have pcos so I have 18-20 resting follicles, which sounded so hopeful last fall when we started the IVF Process (I was freshly 41, now I'm nearing 42), and now after 2 fresh and 1 FET (2 chemicals and a BFN), I am convinced there are not enough golden egg opportunities left in me. (plus, of course, the cost of continuing to try when you keep coming up unsuccessful). Our CGH results last weekend were no abnormals out of 10 embryos-they transferred the monosomy 15, but it's a BFN.

I finally realized I can be happy again and our family complete by going this route and yes, I want the process to start yesterday since I have been on the crazy-making IF treatments for 2 years now (10 clomid cycles+ 2 fresh and 1 frozen IVF cycle=2 CPs, one m/c and lots of bfns--plus a CP and m/c before my dd). Naturally I am excited and eager to go for it, but DH is really devastated the child will not be related to me (even though I've said I don't care about this). He is in a bad place right now and here I am, elated that we have another route to take, but it's not one he is open to at this point so now we are stuck. It all just happened so I realize I'm not being very patient, but as you all know, this process wears you thin and out of patience!

I am afraid the best compromise will be for me to do another Fresh cycle if he can agree to do DE as back up. My fear is who knows if he will sign on to the DE plan even after the OE cycle probably not working again. It is going to be very difficult for me to gear up for this process that I don't believe will work, I just wish DH would get on board with DE. Our DD is a result of my 2nd clomid cycle (almost 5 years ago) so my age is clearly not doing me any favors.

I know that I want him on board as fully as I am or it would not be a good thing and I know that he just hasn't had enough time to process it, but I wanted to selfishly vent about how I just want to get my(our) life going. This 2.5 year IF struggle has been exhausting to me, affecting relationships, all that grieving over things not working---you know the deal. It just hasn't been as hard on him this whole time, I just wish he could understand that this technicality of me not being genetically related is not important, but the joy and happiness a DE baby could bring us would be immeasurable.

There, venting done. Anyone have your DH struggle and then come around? I have left a message for a counselor in the area who is supposed to be understanding of infertility struggles.-maybe that will help. Also, a friend who just had a DE/DS baby is willing to talk to him to answer any questions he may have etc..sigh...
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DeeinNYC
DeeinNYC

July 3rd, 2012, 2:48 am #2

My DH felt the same way as your DH. His initial reaction was that donor eggs was very unfair to me and he did not want to do it. I think you have to remember how you felt the first time you heard about and considered doing DE's. I know for me, I felt like..no way..no how. It took me a long time to come tow here I am right now. We can't expect our partners to come around over-night. This is a process that is foreign to most of us. What happened in my case is that with the passage of time and my DH seeing that I was REALLY okay with it and wanted the opportunity to experience being pregnant, he came around and is now fully onboard. Maybe give your DH some time to process everything. Tell him IF you are sure, that you no longer want to do any more OE cycles. If you are unsure, he will be unsure too in all likelihood. Good luck.
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Joined: June 25th, 2012, 2:35 am

July 3rd, 2012, 3:18 am #3

Thanks! I totally was resistant before (seems so odd to me now, how 180 degrees I am). I want to respect this process for him, I really do, I am just crazy about moving on to what I believe will provide us with that baby. My DD asks all the time for a 'baby sister' so I feel like I am letting her down, too, with my cr@ppy eggs. I wonder if he will feel better about moving on after one more OE cycle, maybe he needs that experience to help him go through the acceptance stage. Ugh, it won't be easy if on me bc I'm emotionally spent in that dept, but if it will help him, then I can be open to it.
He really seems to think that there's hope there-he is the 'eternal optimist', god love him

That's really interesting that your DH felt it was unfair to you, too. My dh keeps saying that--it's crushing him, but I'm so not bothered by the "unfairness". I also have two stepdaughters that I was very close to (we didn't raise them FT, but we had them a ton and I did so much for them because I adored them from the beginning) so he knows that I have a history of loving and caring deeply for kids who are not genetically linked to me. Hmm...

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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

July 3rd, 2012, 4:04 am #4

Hi, I posted recently that I have 'seen the light' and now want to eagerly move on DE. However, my dh is not there (yet?) and wants to go again with my eggs. Ugh. I have pcos so I have 18-20 resting follicles, which sounded so hopeful last fall when we started the IVF Process (I was freshly 41, now I'm nearing 42), and now after 2 fresh and 1 FET (2 chemicals and a BFN), I am convinced there are not enough golden egg opportunities left in me. (plus, of course, the cost of continuing to try when you keep coming up unsuccessful). Our CGH results last weekend were no abnormals out of 10 embryos-they transferred the monosomy 15, but it's a BFN.

I finally realized I can be happy again and our family complete by going this route and yes, I want the process to start yesterday since I have been on the crazy-making IF treatments for 2 years now (10 clomid cycles+ 2 fresh and 1 frozen IVF cycle=2 CPs, one m/c and lots of bfns--plus a CP and m/c before my dd). Naturally I am excited and eager to go for it, but DH is really devastated the child will not be related to me (even though I've said I don't care about this). He is in a bad place right now and here I am, elated that we have another route to take, but it's not one he is open to at this point so now we are stuck. It all just happened so I realize I'm not being very patient, but as you all know, this process wears you thin and out of patience!

I am afraid the best compromise will be for me to do another Fresh cycle if he can agree to do DE as back up. My fear is who knows if he will sign on to the DE plan even after the OE cycle probably not working again. It is going to be very difficult for me to gear up for this process that I don't believe will work, I just wish DH would get on board with DE. Our DD is a result of my 2nd clomid cycle (almost 5 years ago) so my age is clearly not doing me any favors.

I know that I want him on board as fully as I am or it would not be a good thing and I know that he just hasn't had enough time to process it, but I wanted to selfishly vent about how I just want to get my(our) life going. This 2.5 year IF struggle has been exhausting to me, affecting relationships, all that grieving over things not working---you know the deal. It just hasn't been as hard on him this whole time, I just wish he could understand that this technicality of me not being genetically related is not important, but the joy and happiness a DE baby could bring us would be immeasurable.

There, venting done. Anyone have your DH struggle and then come around? I have left a message for a counselor in the area who is supposed to be understanding of infertility struggles.-maybe that will help. Also, a friend who just had a DE/DS baby is willing to talk to him to answer any questions he may have etc..sigh...
Which aspect of using DE is your DH struggling with? It took my DH a while to accept the idea too.
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Joined: June 25th, 2012, 2:35 am

July 3rd, 2012, 5:04 am #5

You know, I am not fully understanding what it is. He just keeps saying it's "unfair" to me and too painful for him to think about me not having a genetically linked child. Yet, there is nothing about my words/actions that is indicating that I have an iota of an issue (in fact, I'm thrilled at the possibilities) so I don't know if it is something deeper or not..? I"m having a hard time understanding since it's still his genetic child, but there is something there that makes him sad for me, yet I am not in a sad place about it myself...?

I guess he hasn't lost the hope for OE yet. I get that, I had that for years longer than I probably should. Something tells me that maybe he needs another OE cycle to let it go...I'm guessing another CGH report will be fairly similar to the last one--maybe he needs to experience that again to move on.

Hmm....
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

July 3rd, 2012, 3:43 pm #6

I think with time he will accept the DE option.
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Joined: June 25th, 2012, 2:35 am

July 3rd, 2012, 10:06 pm #7

Yes, he's a very kind soul. We have a phone appt in 3 weeks with our IVF doc for "follow up" to this last BFN cycle and to hear his strategy for another cycle before moving to DE. I am wondering if that will serve as some reality check for him, or if he really needs to do the last OE cycle. We shall see...I am very grateful that he is trying to be open, at least--just not there yet..

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Hope2009
Hope2009

July 4th, 2012, 4:20 am #8

Hi, I posted recently that I have 'seen the light' and now want to eagerly move on DE. However, my dh is not there (yet?) and wants to go again with my eggs. Ugh. I have pcos so I have 18-20 resting follicles, which sounded so hopeful last fall when we started the IVF Process (I was freshly 41, now I'm nearing 42), and now after 2 fresh and 1 FET (2 chemicals and a BFN), I am convinced there are not enough golden egg opportunities left in me. (plus, of course, the cost of continuing to try when you keep coming up unsuccessful). Our CGH results last weekend were no abnormals out of 10 embryos-they transferred the monosomy 15, but it's a BFN.

I finally realized I can be happy again and our family complete by going this route and yes, I want the process to start yesterday since I have been on the crazy-making IF treatments for 2 years now (10 clomid cycles+ 2 fresh and 1 frozen IVF cycle=2 CPs, one m/c and lots of bfns--plus a CP and m/c before my dd). Naturally I am excited and eager to go for it, but DH is really devastated the child will not be related to me (even though I've said I don't care about this). He is in a bad place right now and here I am, elated that we have another route to take, but it's not one he is open to at this point so now we are stuck. It all just happened so I realize I'm not being very patient, but as you all know, this process wears you thin and out of patience!

I am afraid the best compromise will be for me to do another Fresh cycle if he can agree to do DE as back up. My fear is who knows if he will sign on to the DE plan even after the OE cycle probably not working again. It is going to be very difficult for me to gear up for this process that I don't believe will work, I just wish DH would get on board with DE. Our DD is a result of my 2nd clomid cycle (almost 5 years ago) so my age is clearly not doing me any favors.

I know that I want him on board as fully as I am or it would not be a good thing and I know that he just hasn't had enough time to process it, but I wanted to selfishly vent about how I just want to get my(our) life going. This 2.5 year IF struggle has been exhausting to me, affecting relationships, all that grieving over things not working---you know the deal. It just hasn't been as hard on him this whole time, I just wish he could understand that this technicality of me not being genetically related is not important, but the joy and happiness a DE baby could bring us would be immeasurable.

There, venting done. Anyone have your DH struggle and then come around? I have left a message for a counselor in the area who is supposed to be understanding of infertility struggles.-maybe that will help. Also, a friend who just had a DE/DS baby is willing to talk to him to answer any questions he may have etc..sigh...
many of us on the de boards have DH's who are not with us at first. We all process the loss of using our own genetic material at a different rate and that goes for DH's too. It's a process for all of us.

For me, I met a few women on my over 40 ttc board who were pg or had babies via de's and I just wanted to be on the other side of the If journey...I was getting weary of just ttc. Having one final chem m/c did it for me. My DH FINALLY agreed, after many many late night discussions, he finally said that he would come along on the journey, albeit reluctantly. His biggest issue was the health of the donor and the unknown element of her genetics. For us though, once we 'both' got on board amazingly everything fell into place, I found a wonderful Dr., a great clinic, and things just started happening.

Our donor whom I basically found, or as I like to say, the Universe brought us together, was perfect in every way. That quote by Henry David Thoreau, 'if one advances in the direction of ones dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.' applies to this experience. I moved in the direction of my dreams, despite dragging along a reluctant DH...I think things may have moved even faster had we both had the same vision...but thankfully he did come around.

We now have a busy houseful of our oe children and our 3 De babies. You can't tell who is who, nor do we even really have time to think about it much...it's only when I come to this board or our sister boards and discuss it that it is a reality. Once you get to the other side of the wall and your children are with you, you are just sooo busy raising them, living life that you almost forget all about the journey. This past Father's Day though it was really nice when after getting all sorts of handmade cards, gifts, sticky kisses and hugs that my DH gave me a kiss and said thank you....he lives more in a state of trust and believing so something really BIG came out of all of this after all.

If you are getting close to thinking that this may be the way that your babies may come, then keep doing some research, keep meeting women who have made this choice, ask questions, find a Dr. a clinic that you may want to work with...you may even have one already, just find more answers and then share them with your DH....slowly he may realize that how your baby comes to you isn't as important any longer than just finally having your baby, maybe he will see that what is truly unfair is not being open and trusting....hopefully your baby sister for your DD will come.

I sometimes ask myself why I continue to visit these boards when my life is soooo busy...well it is b/c once long ago there were several women who shared a glimpse into their ttc journey which was ending in a baby coming via de's and I'm thankful for them taking the time to share their story...it inspired me and I wouldn't have the family that I have today without them....so I'm giving back.

Whether you and your DH continue ttc with your oe's or not...please know that there are always options and maybe you need to let your DH process his feelings a bit more....if you can continue to try with your oe's...then do so...but if you really think that you are coming to the end and are open to 'allow miracles to happen.' I can only tell you that in a short amount of time you could be holding your soulbaby in your arms, the genetic thing is just a biological way of creating your baby after all....hold your vision and move in the direction of your dreams. I wish you well.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

July 5th, 2012, 10:08 pm #9

Hi, I posted recently that I have 'seen the light' and now want to eagerly move on DE. However, my dh is not there (yet?) and wants to go again with my eggs. Ugh. I have pcos so I have 18-20 resting follicles, which sounded so hopeful last fall when we started the IVF Process (I was freshly 41, now I'm nearing 42), and now after 2 fresh and 1 FET (2 chemicals and a BFN), I am convinced there are not enough golden egg opportunities left in me. (plus, of course, the cost of continuing to try when you keep coming up unsuccessful). Our CGH results last weekend were no abnormals out of 10 embryos-they transferred the monosomy 15, but it's a BFN.

I finally realized I can be happy again and our family complete by going this route and yes, I want the process to start yesterday since I have been on the crazy-making IF treatments for 2 years now (10 clomid cycles+ 2 fresh and 1 frozen IVF cycle=2 CPs, one m/c and lots of bfns--plus a CP and m/c before my dd). Naturally I am excited and eager to go for it, but DH is really devastated the child will not be related to me (even though I've said I don't care about this). He is in a bad place right now and here I am, elated that we have another route to take, but it's not one he is open to at this point so now we are stuck. It all just happened so I realize I'm not being very patient, but as you all know, this process wears you thin and out of patience!

I am afraid the best compromise will be for me to do another Fresh cycle if he can agree to do DE as back up. My fear is who knows if he will sign on to the DE plan even after the OE cycle probably not working again. It is going to be very difficult for me to gear up for this process that I don't believe will work, I just wish DH would get on board with DE. Our DD is a result of my 2nd clomid cycle (almost 5 years ago) so my age is clearly not doing me any favors.

I know that I want him on board as fully as I am or it would not be a good thing and I know that he just hasn't had enough time to process it, but I wanted to selfishly vent about how I just want to get my(our) life going. This 2.5 year IF struggle has been exhausting to me, affecting relationships, all that grieving over things not working---you know the deal. It just hasn't been as hard on him this whole time, I just wish he could understand that this technicality of me not being genetically related is not important, but the joy and happiness a DE baby could bring us would be immeasurable.

There, venting done. Anyone have your DH struggle and then come around? I have left a message for a counselor in the area who is supposed to be understanding of infertility struggles.-maybe that will help. Also, a friend who just had a DE/DS baby is willing to talk to him to answer any questions he may have etc..sigh...
Our situation was different in that he wanted to adopt and I wanted to do DE. After pulling my hair out trying to explain things to him, I literally put together a binder with everything laid out very linearly, including price tag, percentages, time frame, plan B, etc. When he saw that for our family DE was the only decision that made sense, he thanked me for laying things out so clearly and we were cycling soon after that. Your DE probably thinks that since you already have a genetic child it can happen again, but it's been enough years now and you're getting close to the age when it would be very unlikely (although not impossible) for it to happen. If it is very important for both of you to provide a sib for your child, I would lay that out for him in terms of your emotional and financial resources as well as difference in age of kids. Sometimes guys just don't get the practical aspects of this.
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