To Patty 45 (kids ment)

To Patty 45 (kids ment)

JMH05
JMH05

March 8th, 2011, 11:53 pm #1

Just wondered if you would mind sharing how it feels to have a biological child, DE twins and now potentially another child from what I presume is a different DE? Have you told your children, family, friends, etc?

I have biological kids and am now looking into donor embryo because I think my days hoping for a miracle are gone. I love to read stories about how everyone's families come together. It is hard for me to find people who already have children, but still want more and find they can't have them naturally so go on to alternative ways of completing their family. I know some people who adopt after they can't have more kids, but not many who have considered or atleast any that I know personally who have chosen donor egg or embryo except for when I am on these boards. So I am always looking for other women that are willing to share their story and give me hope and support. Thank you for anything you are willing to share.
-J
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Joined: March 7th, 2011, 4:03 pm

March 9th, 2011, 1:34 pm #2

J I would be happy to share. I had my OE DD using donor sperm. I started IVF very late (age 41) but with the same nativity most have. By the time I had my IVF for her I was set to go to DE. I did have insurance coverage for ivf so my clinic convinced me to do my last one before moving on. It was a mess. Bad embys, first HCG was 21 on day 14, no heartbeat at week 6. She was a late implanter. When I had her, I was overwhelmed with love. I am gay, my partner left me when I was 32 weeks pregnant. I consider myself a single mom.(even though I am in a relationship currently, the kids are my kids)
After my DD, I wanted to have a sibling for her, both because I think kids need siblings but also because of my age. My mom had me also at 42. She is now 87 and I take care of her. I didn't want my DD to be burdened alone with me. I did 6 more "free" IVFs at age 43. All busts. I would've gone right to DE but after my experience with DD's IVF I felt I needed to exhaust this avenue. I did my donor cycle, got very lucky to get pregnant with the twins. It wasnt an easy pregnancy, my (new & current) relationship wasn't good, twin pregnancy is a lot harder than a singleton. It just is. I had the girls unmed. Vaginally. I found post delivery I had a hard time bonding with them for about 6-8 weeks. I was very hard on myself about that. I was singlehandedly raising a 2yo, breastfeeding twins, totally sleep deprived. I remember my gf saying "you better bond with these babies, you wanted them". That broke my heart. I did want them. But when you have your first, you have time to co-sleep, and hold them for hours. With 3 kids, you don't. I didn't have anyone to tell me that, to "cut me some slack". Eventually it got better. What I learned is my kids are hands down the best thing I've ever done. Every happy, joyfully experience over the last 3 years has to do.with them.
Do I feel differently about my OE vs. dE? I love all my girls but each is different. I love my first born because I know her better, she can verbal her needs, I have 3 years of history with her. I love my twins each differently. Elda has asthma and was baby B. I baby her, look out for her more. Araceli is a lover, she would be held 24-7 if she could. My gf dotes on her constantly. Araceli chooses her over me ever time.
This next DE cycle, same sperm different ED. The first time I was all about the donor looking like me. This time I want a healthy smart donor. I don't regret my path, it is exactly how God intended it. They are all my children. I am in the tell camp. My family, friends, heck strangers know. I consider them a blessing. I also think too many women believe they can have OE children in their 40's...which is rare.
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JMH05
JMH05

March 9th, 2011, 6:25 pm #3

Thanks for sharing your story. You were very lucky to be able to have a baby through IVF at 41. I couldn't do it at 36. I didn't have insurance and so we had to pay out of pocket. I wish we would've had insurance and I could've tried atleast a few more times, but we only tried once. It wasn't until after we lost our DS (conceived naturally after ttc for 18 months) at 19 weeks that it was discovered that I have a BT (genetic chromosomal issue) that gives me a 50/50 chance of a healthy baby every time I get pregnant. I now realize it was probably the BT that caused more of the reason for my failed IVF than the elevated FSH which is what my RE blamed it entirely on. I am on a yahoo group with other BTer's and most fail with IVF although some have been lucky after several tries to get pregnant.

I just think it is great that you are having the family that you desire even though it may not have always been the way you would've imagined it would turn out. My sis is gay and she never had the courage to have kids of her own like you have done. She loves kids and would've made a wonderful parent. I am very happy for you. I do not have much support from family and friends to keep trying. They can't understand why I am not just happy with the kids I have and give up. I just can't give up and that is why we are now seriously looking into donor embryo.

Thank you for sharing about having a tough time bonding with your twins. I worry that my DH or I will have problems bonding with another child, but it sounds like yours was more because of circumstance and not b/c of the genes. I know my kids would love the baby to pieces and never think twice that it doesn't look like them. My kids all look like carbon copies so I don't think I can really not tell people the truth. Still curious how we will go about all of that time if and when the time comes.

Good luck with your continued journey.
-J
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Joined: March 7th, 2011, 4:03 pm

March 9th, 2011, 6:39 pm #4

J -

I do understand the lack of support. Alot of my friends think i am crazy to want any more than the 3 that I have. Have you thought about doing a split donor cycle? Mine is costing $6200. That includes everything but half the meds for the donor. I think embryo donation is wonderful. I think there are many ways to complete a family, adoption never felt right for me. I would not be considered a "good" candidate due to being single, the cost is outragious and the "what ifs" would drive me crazy. i have a friend who adopted through the foster care system. For the first 2 years of their son's life, they never knew if the biological mother would come back and regain custody. The movie "like dandelion's dust" is another great story about how the courts overturned adoptions due to a loophole in the contract language. I like knowing that I grew and birthed my kids. Good luck on your mission. Trust your instincts. You don't have to have a "logical" reason to want kids.
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JMH05
JMH05

March 10th, 2011, 3:39 pm #5

Thanks again for sharing a bit about yourself and info regarding your donor-split cycle. That really doesn't sound that expensive. That's great! For DH and I we want our child to feel like they are adopted (I use that word lightly b/c I have seen how people have really different views on "embryo adoption"), with no genetic link rather than his genetic link and not mine. That is just something for personal reasons we are not comfortable with. I know that we would have a much better chance of success with donor egg since my DH has no issues either. We are seriously looking into the program at California IVF which has a donor embryo program where essentially you are picking a donor embryo and donor sperm then they put them together and call it donor embyro. I am not sure if they use the word "adoption". Anyways the program seems like a pretty good option for some people. There is a guarantee that if you are not pregnant after 3 transfers your money is refunded if you qualify.

So are you cycling right now? If so, I wish you luck. Are you prepared for twins again? I hope everything goes well.

-J
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JMH05
JMH05

March 10th, 2011, 3:50 pm #6

We also have not looked into infant adoption locally or abroad b/c of the expense. It isn't really always as easy as you would think it would be even if you have the money. It can also be a devastating experience. We have friends who recently adopted a 4 month old through a foster agency and everything went super smooth and that is how we got involved in infant adoption through foster care. My DH is really not comfortable with the idea, but we would only take a baby that hopefully has not been through too much trauma. Unfortunately the social worker told me my friends story is really rare and may not happen again for a long time and also that 80% of the babies are being taken away b/c of drug addict moms. So we understand the reality of the situation and that is why we are both so much more comfortable with donor embryo. I want to carry the baby so that we know it has started off with the best possible environment from the very beginning.

I can totally relate to your decision to not consider adoption. The books I have been reading on adoption make it seem really hard to believe that anyone is prepared or capable of adopting. They make it seem really scary and hard. I commend all families who adopt especially after learning so much more about it. It is a huge life choice.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 11th, 2011, 1:50 am #7

Just wondered if you would mind sharing how it feels to have a biological child, DE twins and now potentially another child from what I presume is a different DE? Have you told your children, family, friends, etc?

I have biological kids and am now looking into donor embryo because I think my days hoping for a miracle are gone. I love to read stories about how everyone's families come together. It is hard for me to find people who already have children, but still want more and find they can't have them naturally so go on to alternative ways of completing their family. I know some people who adopt after they can't have more kids, but not many who have considered or atleast any that I know personally who have chosen donor egg or embryo except for when I am on these boards. So I am always looking for other women that are willing to share their story and give me hope and support. Thank you for anything you are willing to share.
-J
Hey there. You will find a number of women on the pink board who have OE kids as well as DE kids. I was very lucky and conceived my DD at age 40.8. I conceived naturally again at 42 but had an early m/c. I am a pretty practical person, and the one loss nearly killed me emotionally, so I decided I wanted to move on to DE right away and not torture myself or risk another loss (not to say you can't m/c with a DE cycle because of course that happens; it's just less likely with 20-something eggs than 40-something eggs). Anyway...I could not be happier with how we completed our family. I am an only child and although I think onlies are perfectly well adjusted and happy kids and that it is a fine option for families, my deepest desire was 2 or more children. Now that we have 3, my heart feels complete!

One more thing...we just donated our left over embryos to another couple and it has been an amazing experience. I hope that you find the right match to complete your family.
Last edited by doglvr on March 11th, 2011, 1:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
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JMH05
JMH05

March 11th, 2011, 7:30 am #8

Sorry to sound silly, but not sure what that is....

Congratulations on completing your family. I really admire people's determination to keep ttc with OE and celebrate in the many women who find success and feel the sorrow for those who are not successful, but I also embrace people like yourself who are willing to move on to adoption, DE or whatever without giving up on the dream of completing their family and are willing to do so with a beautifully blended family. You were very fortunate to get pregnant in your 40's. You may have read in some of my other posts I couldn't do it successfully in my late 30's. I did achieve the one miracle pregnancy like all of the women I read about in books and on the "Pregnant Despite High FSH" board. I followed what all of those women had done to achieve success only to be struck with the most devastating news that I am a genetic carrier that gives me a 50/50 chance with each pregnancy of a healthy baby. We lost the our DS at 19 weeks. I still am in complete shock and disbelief that I overcame the 1% chance of becoming pregnant only to be diagnosed with this most horrendous news. Of course all of the women I read about and their protocols that I followed went on to have healthy babies. And most if not all were older than me, much older. It has been very hard for me to believe it.

I am really coming to terms with moving towards donor embyro. I have been in contact with many women in the cyber world and everyone makes me feel so sure that this really is the right direction for us to go to complete our family. I have told my DH that the risk of having another loss is not worth the joy of a healthy "miracle" baby. I can't go through it again. It has changed me and I am not sure I can really survive losing another baby with our 50/50 risk. And for that matter it has been a year since our loss and I haven't even been able to get pregnant. I am just ready to have my waiting, hoping, disappointment every month and life on hold put to end. I am ready to move forward with the rest of my life, but I feel very sure that there is some other baby that is supposed to join our family so I am not giving up, but rather moving forward.

Thanks for sharing your story with me and if you can direct me to the other board that would be great. I hope I haven't offended anyone by sharing my story on this board. I had no intention of upsetting anyone. I realize my story is very different than many of the women on here and yet completely similar. We all have the desire to complete our families. I am really sorry if there is anyone I need to apologize to.

-J
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 11th, 2011, 4:09 pm #9

It's basically PG and/or parenting a DE child. I can't remember the name, but it's a Network 54 board like this one. Some women here post there as well, and vice-versa. I wouldn't think you would need to apologize to anyone here for your posts. Just make sure you always mention in the message title that you have children, so that if anyone is sensitive about that they can have a choice to read or not.
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