The unanswerable questions

The unanswerable questions

Looking into DE
Looking into DE

June 18th, 2012, 11:09 pm #1

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Joined: December 21st, 2011, 7:41 pm

June 18th, 2012, 11:25 pm #2

I am firmly in the TELL camp - early and often - baby isn't here yet, but that's the plan.... I am trying to do as much as I can to fill in the "missing pieces" - I put together everything from our donor's profile to share and I also found a donor who was willing to register with donor sibling registry - a great way to maintain anonymous contact should my child ever have a question or want some info. Hopefully all of that will be enough to make this all a very positive birth story for my child.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

June 19th, 2012, 1:20 am #3

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
...and this is what I would STRONGLY recommend for you...I would have used a known donor, or at the very least, a donor who was willing to be contacted by the boys when they turn 18. If you are "tell", and you are concerned about a child/children having a "missing piece", I think you have to explore this option very seriously. In my case, I sort of knew at the beginning that a known donor would be a better choice but for a variety of reasons I took the route that was less stressful for our family and my DH and that was also less costly. I didn't realize how passionate I was about my children having the right to know their genetic donor until we went to donate our embryos from that cycle, and there was absolutely no way I was going to do that anon. I wanted to not only know the recipient couple and choose them but to also have a contract allowing for on-going contact in any way that the various children involved wanted/needed over time. It was through that process that I began to feel such deep sadness and regret. Think through this very carefully. Happy to "chat" with you more if you'd like.
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Joined: January 13th, 2009, 10:59 pm

June 19th, 2012, 2:22 am #4

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Our donor is anon.But if at 18 my DS wants to meet her in our contract she agreed to a meeting. To me t was an important option for him. I have also saved all the info I have on her including the incredible letter she wrote us where she talks about herself and why she chose to donate to us.

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

June 19th, 2012, 3:37 am #5

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Cycled overseas due to cost, but anonymity is strict. All I can do now is pledge to do all I can to help my sons find their genetic parents if they wish to do so. M.
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thesameboat
thesameboat

June 19th, 2012, 6:23 am #6

I do understand what you mean. I think, though, that the fact that your sons have each other that will go a long way toward satisfying any urge to meet genetic relatives. I also think it might be easier for boys, but I'm not sure why I think that.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

June 19th, 2012, 6:28 am #7

Your boys are lucky to have eachother. I also think it would be easier for boys.
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Joined: September 9th, 2005, 4:13 pm

June 19th, 2012, 12:21 pm #8

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
I am struggling with tell or no tell and have a question I would love to ask an adopted person.

Do you think you feel the missing piece because you knew you were adopted and did not know the family? Do you think you would feel the same way if somehow you never knew you were adopted (maybe one of those unanswerable questions)?

I agree with all of the reasons to tell, but wonder if I am putting a burden on my child telling but then having zero information on the donor? She will have no information and no where to go to find it. She will just know and wonder. If I was sure she wouldn't feel something missing I would be no tell, but I would hate for her to have a nagging feeling that she was different and not know why.

I probably will be tell, but really struggle with it.

Thanks,
MM

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

June 19th, 2012, 1:35 pm #9

"I agree with all of the reasons to tell, but wonder if I am putting a burden on my child telling but then having zero information on the donor?" I don't have zero information, but it's tantamount to zero in terms of establishing contact. I am not sure I'm going to register with DSR, because I did so earlier, and hackers broke in and refunded my fee. Their security concerns me, but I'm also ambivalent about laying out this cash when there may be more and more sophisticated vehicles in the future, perhaps including DNA registries, where donors and donor-conceived children can locate each other.

"I would hate for her to have a nagging feeling that she was different and not know why." I don't think there's any way they won't start to sense that they're different (they're double donor conceived). At least adoption is comprehensible for younger kids -- they will have adopted friends at day care and school, and orphaned (of course, most adopted children today aren't orphaned) children are a staple of literature.

But there's no way to talk about donor conception without going right to the nitty gritty of the birds and the bees. Thank you so much, Looking into DE, for sharing your perspective.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)


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Kerry
Kerry

June 19th, 2012, 2:34 pm #10

I have been looking thru lots of these threads but still would be interested in some additional input. My husband and I are looking into DE after 5 years of failed attempts with OE. Overall I don't have any issues with using DE - now that we have gotten to this point - and am ok with not having any genetic link and not worried about having any bonding issues with my child that I would have carried for 9 months and given birth to. I am adopted and don't know my birth family and this is where the questions come in. I am a tell person - I know some people are no-tell on this forum and it is none of my business, but if I go through with this route, I think it is important to tell your child that they were conceived by donor egg and the earlier the better so it is always just a part of who they are. Looking at some other websites that are more the kids point of view from 3rd party donation, some of them feel so unhappy and missing pieces of themselves by their parents choosing to go this route (mostly donor insemination since that is more common). I think that since I am adopted and growing up felt the "missing piece" aspect and I worry about bringing a child into this world who has those same types of feelings. How did all of you work thru this or does anyone have any experiences of kids who dealt with any of these issues and how was it handled? I know this is an unanswerable question and each person comes to their own decisions about all of this but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
This is my biggest struggle in deciding to use donor egg. I agree that it won't be an issue for us to bond with the child but I'm very concerned about how they might feel in the future. I'm still struggling with it even though we have decided to go with a program that is anonymous (due mainly to cost as they have a guarantee and speed since we don't want to be too much older than we are now). After reading some responses here from those who used anonymous donors and now regret it, I still have some doubts. Every clinic I spoke to that uses their own donors seems to be anonymous, and I wish they would reconsider and leave it up to the individual donors and recipients. Using an agency donor seems to be much more expensive and difficult to coordinate and I don't have any family members or friends young enough who are in a position to donate. Sometimes I feel like we are making a selfish decision to use donor egg instead of adopting, because at least with adoption while there might be some feelings of loss, we didn't choose to bring them into the world without one of their genetic parents. However, I do feel that using a donor egg will allow us to bond and care for our child before they are even born, which seems important.

I did get some feedback that helped me after meeting with a therapist who specializes in this area and posting a similar question on the pved website. Obviously you are are a person who cares about and has thought through these issues and you will be a caring parent who is attuned to your child's feelings about this. As a parent, you will be in a position to help your child through any concerns and emotions that they might have. Kids who grow up with both biological parents have issues all the time! The therapist also cautioned me that these websites (I have looked at them too and they upset me) most likely represent a vocal minority. Many of them found out about it at a later age, often in a stressful way such as a divorce or death of a parent. There really aren't enough good studies, but she did quote one study of teenagers conceived by donor egg where only 1/3 of them expressed curiosity to meet their donor. In her experience, she said she has observed that males are typically less likely to have the desire to meet their donor than females are.

I have kept in touch with a woman I met in an infertility support group who is pregnant with a donor embryo. She feels that with today's technology, her child will someday be able to find their siblings if they want to, even though it was anonymous. She herself happens to be adopted and said she never really felt much curiosity or desire to meet her birthmother, who lived in another country.

Sorry if this rambled, but just wanted to pass along some of the things that were helpful to me in dealing with this issue. Much luck and please keep us posted on how you are doing.
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