The hardest part about all this

The hardest part about all this

Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 16th, 2011, 2:54 am #1

For me--is all the decisions I made. MANY bad ones.

It's the blaming myself and the second-guessing. I ALWAYS seem to make a bad choice. I think sometimes I am superstitious. Like I really can't believe I won't just luck out and have a baby. Isn't that ridiculous?

I guess I've learned a lot about myself. I am not very clear headed. I sometimes don't make the best decisions.

Another thing i regret was lack of diligence on my part. I had some options I didn't pursue. I was never aggressive with doctors or insurance companies. I always felt very overwhelmed. I'm not very good at infertility. I feel like I needed more faith in myself and more direction.

Here again, some of this is just decisions I made. But a lot of time I feel like I've been in almost impossible decision situations--where it's like--how much money do you spend? How hard do you push? Etc? Just sort of Sophie's Choice situations where you absolutely cannot win. There are a lot of those too.

I guess a deeper thing I may have learned is how hard it is for me to make decisions. My husband is very bad about making decisions. It's hilarious how we have every fault in common. So I don't have anyone to turn to for help. He has a very shallow understanding of the assisted reproduction process--he's gradually learning so he is unwilling to really talk about stuff.

It's weird how alone this whole thing is. Who among us really has an advisor or person to bounce ideas off? Who among us has real support? Some of us are doing this in secret. Normally, you'd talk it out with people but they'd have to have a depth of understanding that only a person who experiences this has had.

So it is all very strange. I regret my bad decisions but on the other hand, I don't really have all that many resources.

Still, there are SO MANY things I could have done differently and I wouldn't be in this situation now.

I'm down to one embryo. It doesn't look too promising at this point. But of course, I will hope it works out. There is a teeny tiny chance. REALLY teeny tiny. So I pray for a miracle.

Anyway, what I hope is that if this doesn't work out something will soon. I just need another shot...at something. I just need something to work out.
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March 16th, 2011, 3:57 am #2

I used to be a more spiritual person, not so much now, but sometimes I really do get a very strong feeling that all of us just spin our wheels and any belief that our actions led to the results, whether positive or negative, is just an earthly delusion, that the powers that be in the universe determine when we will get our children and not a moment sooner.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm someone who made good, careful, assertive, determined choices. I'm someone who researched things to the nth degree. In fact, if IF treatments were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I'd be one of the gold medalists! I went up against RE after RE aggressively, challenging them, bringing in medical literature, scouring the internet for information, picking the brains of all the ladies on these boards who had gone down the road before me. I mean, really, I cannot think of a single solitary thing that I failed to do!!! And after TEN YEARS, via donor egg AND a gestational surrogate, I finally had success. It's not the success I had in mind, but it's success.

Was it my perseverance? Maybe it was. There are days when I think that and I give myself a pat on the back. But you know what, most days, I just have this sense that nothing I did mattered, that for whatever reason I will never understand, the universe just decided to open up and deliver. Could be it got tired of seeing me at the door and wanted to make me go away.

So don't beat yourself up, really, don't do that. Just start from here, start from today, doing all those things that you think you should have done before and didn't. If you really feel moved to get more aggressive with your situation, then go for it. If the spirit moves you, so to speak, then it's good for your soul. I'm certainly not saying that those who sit on the porch and sip lemonade have the same chances as someone who plots a course of action and follows through. You need to have some momentum in the universe! I just don't think that success or failure really comes down to a decision you made or failed to make at some point along the road.

I hope your lone embryo sticks for you. If it doesn't, do you have a plan B?


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Joined: July 10th, 2009, 8:18 pm

March 16th, 2011, 4:00 am #3

For me--is all the decisions I made. MANY bad ones.

It's the blaming myself and the second-guessing. I ALWAYS seem to make a bad choice. I think sometimes I am superstitious. Like I really can't believe I won't just luck out and have a baby. Isn't that ridiculous?

I guess I've learned a lot about myself. I am not very clear headed. I sometimes don't make the best decisions.

Another thing i regret was lack of diligence on my part. I had some options I didn't pursue. I was never aggressive with doctors or insurance companies. I always felt very overwhelmed. I'm not very good at infertility. I feel like I needed more faith in myself and more direction.

Here again, some of this is just decisions I made. But a lot of time I feel like I've been in almost impossible decision situations--where it's like--how much money do you spend? How hard do you push? Etc? Just sort of Sophie's Choice situations where you absolutely cannot win. There are a lot of those too.

I guess a deeper thing I may have learned is how hard it is for me to make decisions. My husband is very bad about making decisions. It's hilarious how we have every fault in common. So I don't have anyone to turn to for help. He has a very shallow understanding of the assisted reproduction process--he's gradually learning so he is unwilling to really talk about stuff.

It's weird how alone this whole thing is. Who among us really has an advisor or person to bounce ideas off? Who among us has real support? Some of us are doing this in secret. Normally, you'd talk it out with people but they'd have to have a depth of understanding that only a person who experiences this has had.

So it is all very strange. I regret my bad decisions but on the other hand, I don't really have all that many resources.

Still, there are SO MANY things I could have done differently and I wouldn't be in this situation now.

I'm down to one embryo. It doesn't look too promising at this point. But of course, I will hope it works out. There is a teeny tiny chance. REALLY teeny tiny. So I pray for a miracle.

Anyway, what I hope is that if this doesn't work out something will soon. I just need another shot...at something. I just need something to work out.
The hardest part of anything, especially this IF journey, is that we can not go back in time. We all have moments that we wish we could do over and think that if we could, our outcomes might be different. Don't beat yourself up, Orchid, it is just a part of this crazy process. You are right that many of us do not have a lot of people to talk to who truly understand all that we endure so that is what makes these boards such a wonderful, safe place to lean on one another, share information, and sometimes just to listen to and support each other. I really hope that your little embryo is the "little one that could" and that things work out. If not, we'll help you cross that bridge when you get there. For now though, be kind to yourself and have faith in your little embie. My mom told me yesterday that I needed to let the past be in the past and treat our next try with all the excitement and faith that we did when we just were starting out. I think she's a pretty wonderful & smart lady so I humbly share her advice to me with you. I'm just trying to have the "faith of a mustard seed". I'll be rooting for you and your little embie.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 16th, 2011, 4:14 am #4

For me--is all the decisions I made. MANY bad ones.

It's the blaming myself and the second-guessing. I ALWAYS seem to make a bad choice. I think sometimes I am superstitious. Like I really can't believe I won't just luck out and have a baby. Isn't that ridiculous?

I guess I've learned a lot about myself. I am not very clear headed. I sometimes don't make the best decisions.

Another thing i regret was lack of diligence on my part. I had some options I didn't pursue. I was never aggressive with doctors or insurance companies. I always felt very overwhelmed. I'm not very good at infertility. I feel like I needed more faith in myself and more direction.

Here again, some of this is just decisions I made. But a lot of time I feel like I've been in almost impossible decision situations--where it's like--how much money do you spend? How hard do you push? Etc? Just sort of Sophie's Choice situations where you absolutely cannot win. There are a lot of those too.

I guess a deeper thing I may have learned is how hard it is for me to make decisions. My husband is very bad about making decisions. It's hilarious how we have every fault in common. So I don't have anyone to turn to for help. He has a very shallow understanding of the assisted reproduction process--he's gradually learning so he is unwilling to really talk about stuff.

It's weird how alone this whole thing is. Who among us really has an advisor or person to bounce ideas off? Who among us has real support? Some of us are doing this in secret. Normally, you'd talk it out with people but they'd have to have a depth of understanding that only a person who experiences this has had.

So it is all very strange. I regret my bad decisions but on the other hand, I don't really have all that many resources.

Still, there are SO MANY things I could have done differently and I wouldn't be in this situation now.

I'm down to one embryo. It doesn't look too promising at this point. But of course, I will hope it works out. There is a teeny tiny chance. REALLY teeny tiny. So I pray for a miracle.

Anyway, what I hope is that if this doesn't work out something will soon. I just need another shot...at something. I just need something to work out.
Hey honey. Oh man, I am so sorry you are beating yourself up over any of this. None of it is your fault. It all seems like a crap shoot sometimes. But...please let us all know when the transfer is and have us all send you prayers and positive vibes and everything we have in us. Seriously, it can't hurt and it can only help. Let's keep thinking this is the "little engine that could". Big hug.
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 16th, 2011, 5:34 am #5

I did it already. They had to put it in today because it was the last one they figured they might as well put it in on day 3.

It was all just such a whirlwind. I was really in shock, I guess.

I know that sounds weird but I've been basically 'cycling' forever. Some of the medicines they put me on I had such reactions to--I guess I don't have such a good response to medicine.

It's weird how you know but you don't know that things could go awry but you don't expect it somehow. I can't explain that.
Last edited by arive on March 16th, 2011, 5:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 16th, 2011, 5:41 am #6

I used to be a more spiritual person, not so much now, but sometimes I really do get a very strong feeling that all of us just spin our wheels and any belief that our actions led to the results, whether positive or negative, is just an earthly delusion, that the powers that be in the universe determine when we will get our children and not a moment sooner.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm someone who made good, careful, assertive, determined choices. I'm someone who researched things to the nth degree. In fact, if IF treatments were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I'd be one of the gold medalists! I went up against RE after RE aggressively, challenging them, bringing in medical literature, scouring the internet for information, picking the brains of all the ladies on these boards who had gone down the road before me. I mean, really, I cannot think of a single solitary thing that I failed to do!!! And after TEN YEARS, via donor egg AND a gestational surrogate, I finally had success. It's not the success I had in mind, but it's success.

Was it my perseverance? Maybe it was. There are days when I think that and I give myself a pat on the back. But you know what, most days, I just have this sense that nothing I did mattered, that for whatever reason I will never understand, the universe just decided to open up and deliver. Could be it got tired of seeing me at the door and wanted to make me go away.

So don't beat yourself up, really, don't do that. Just start from here, start from today, doing all those things that you think you should have done before and didn't. If you really feel moved to get more aggressive with your situation, then go for it. If the spirit moves you, so to speak, then it's good for your soul. I'm certainly not saying that those who sit on the porch and sip lemonade have the same chances as someone who plots a course of action and follows through. You need to have some momentum in the universe! I just don't think that success or failure really comes down to a decision you made or failed to make at some point along the road.

I hope your lone embryo sticks for you. If it doesn't, do you have a plan B?

Well, I guess if it doesn't work I'd ask people to pull for me to get some donor embryos and maybe give me a little support about that--the donor embryo board isn't really active.

That's the only plan B I think I can afford. I would actually be really happy--if apprehensive--about that if it could work out. Donor embryos are a teeny bit more complicated but if I could just have some luck with that.

I'm so glad you had success! I think that's one thing you ask yourself--when do I get off this bus???
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 16th, 2011, 5:55 am #7

The hardest part of anything, especially this IF journey, is that we can not go back in time. We all have moments that we wish we could do over and think that if we could, our outcomes might be different. Don't beat yourself up, Orchid, it is just a part of this crazy process. You are right that many of us do not have a lot of people to talk to who truly understand all that we endure so that is what makes these boards such a wonderful, safe place to lean on one another, share information, and sometimes just to listen to and support each other. I really hope that your little embryo is the "little one that could" and that things work out. If not, we'll help you cross that bridge when you get there. For now though, be kind to yourself and have faith in your little embie. My mom told me yesterday that I needed to let the past be in the past and treat our next try with all the excitement and faith that we did when we just were starting out. I think she's a pretty wonderful & smart lady so I humbly share her advice to me with you. I'm just trying to have the "faith of a mustard seed". I'll be rooting for you and your little embie.
Maybe it's just the way my brain works...I am horribly the queen of hindsight. Does it do me good? I wonder! It's just really hard to not do it.

But yeah, I just want this one embryo to grow, make a baby. That's what I want right now. If that happens, then nothing else matters.
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Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 7:15 am

March 16th, 2011, 10:51 am #8

I did it already. They had to put it in today because it was the last one they figured they might as well put it in on day 3.

It was all just such a whirlwind. I was really in shock, I guess.

I know that sounds weird but I've been basically 'cycling' forever. Some of the medicines they put me on I had such reactions to--I guess I don't have such a good response to medicine.

It's weird how you know but you don't know that things could go awry but you don't expect it somehow. I can't explain that.
that you did your transfer. That is great news. Don't count yourself out yet. I have heard plenty of stories on these boards of embies that supposedly don't look great that have implanted and have become babies. I know many of us tend to think ahead of ourselves during this process, but take a minute to enjoy the possibilities of where you are. I am hoping and praying for you that this embryo is all snuggled in and ready to stay for the duration.

How far along are you on your 2ww?
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 16th, 2011, 12:50 pm #9

Well, I guess if it doesn't work I'd ask people to pull for me to get some donor embryos and maybe give me a little support about that--the donor embryo board isn't really active.

That's the only plan B I think I can afford. I would actually be really happy--if apprehensive--about that if it could work out. Donor embryos are a teeny bit more complicated but if I could just have some luck with that.

I'm so glad you had success! I think that's one thing you ask yourself--when do I get off this bus???
you know donor embryo can work out beyond your best dreams...just look at my story. hugs to you.

----------------------------

I've got all I'll ever need thanks to the Keeper of the Stars.



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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

March 16th, 2011, 3:01 pm #10

I used to be a more spiritual person, not so much now, but sometimes I really do get a very strong feeling that all of us just spin our wheels and any belief that our actions led to the results, whether positive or negative, is just an earthly delusion, that the powers that be in the universe determine when we will get our children and not a moment sooner.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm someone who made good, careful, assertive, determined choices. I'm someone who researched things to the nth degree. In fact, if IF treatments were an Olympic sport, I'm sure I'd be one of the gold medalists! I went up against RE after RE aggressively, challenging them, bringing in medical literature, scouring the internet for information, picking the brains of all the ladies on these boards who had gone down the road before me. I mean, really, I cannot think of a single solitary thing that I failed to do!!! And after TEN YEARS, via donor egg AND a gestational surrogate, I finally had success. It's not the success I had in mind, but it's success.

Was it my perseverance? Maybe it was. There are days when I think that and I give myself a pat on the back. But you know what, most days, I just have this sense that nothing I did mattered, that for whatever reason I will never understand, the universe just decided to open up and deliver. Could be it got tired of seeing me at the door and wanted to make me go away.

So don't beat yourself up, really, don't do that. Just start from here, start from today, doing all those things that you think you should have done before and didn't. If you really feel moved to get more aggressive with your situation, then go for it. If the spirit moves you, so to speak, then it's good for your soul. I'm certainly not saying that those who sit on the porch and sip lemonade have the same chances as someone who plots a course of action and follows through. You need to have some momentum in the universe! I just don't think that success or failure really comes down to a decision you made or failed to make at some point along the road.

I hope your lone embryo sticks for you. If it doesn't, do you have a plan B?

So I'm just sending you a hug and best wishes that this cycle will be the one to make you a mother. Take care, please don't reproach yourself, and try to stay positive. We're here for you. Maggie (in VA)
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