AC in Boston
AC in Boston

February 13th, 2014, 8:30 pm #11

I think I wrote this post. No advice but I feel exactly the same way. The lady at Quest today told me that God must not want it to happen. I wanted to deck her....guess God wants the crack whore prostitute and rape victim to procreate but not me....
That woman is going to hell. Unreal.
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AC in Boston
AC in Boston

February 13th, 2014, 8:39 pm #12

I hope you realize that all your feelings are completely normal. Don't beat yourself up about them. I remember those feeling so well. And I made it worse because I always felt very guilty about the jealous feelings especially toward people I liked (several good co-workers and a SIL were pregnant during out 4 year struggle). I work in a hospital so primarily women of childbearing years. I watched more then one co-worker get married, get pregnant and have two babies during our four year struggle. It s***s!!! I'm not sure if you know our story. But we tried on our own with no luck after six months found out both my tubes were blocked and FSH was slightly elevated. Took nearly six months trying to get FSH reading insurance would accept. Finally initiated OE IVF. Cancelled because of poor response and clinic would only allow one try - didn't wan't to ruin stats. Took nearly another six months to come to terms with DE. Found donor quickly and did all paperwork and paid fee. Took nearly six months to get to cycle due to delays on donor/agency side. 19 eggs retrieved. 12 fertilized. On day 3 only had three. Transferred one and froze two. BFN. Spoke with RE and did consent to thaw and transfer two if survived thaw. Showed up for transfer and they only thawed one. BFP. Early m/c at 5 1/2 weeks. Took a while for hcg to decrease and then didn't get another AF. RE made me wait two months before monitoring and then needed provera to bring on AF. Prepped for another FET. RE scheduled monitoring appt too late in cycle. I called to request earlier appt and he refused. Showed up for monitoring and had a "cyst" which I had never had on any of the other 20 u/s I had. They prescribed ganirelix which I paid a fortune for because I was "near ovulation" and low and behold I ovulated thru it. Repeated the prep for FET and we were on out way to the clinic when the nurse called and said our embryo did not survive the thaw. At that point I think I was about at the point you are now. I was ready to give up and my DH was beyond ready. I told everyone I was done. But the yearning did not go away. I read the book So Close by Tertia Albertlyn (a great book if you haven't read it and great for others who want to understand the IF struggle). I decided I couldn't give up. I convinced DH to do the SGF guarantee program. We had already spent $30,000 at Boston clinic and couldn't do again and come home with empty hands. We went to SGF and 13 months after initial visit I was holding my miracle in my arms. I can only tell you it was worth every bit of the heart ache and pain. If we could afford to do it again I would in a heartbeat. I'm crossing my finger your miracle(s) are in your frosties.
What a roller coaster. I would have gone bananas. I'm so happy for you. Brought a tear to my eye and reassures me that it's not crazy to hang in there. Thank you for the book rec. Just ordered it.
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AC in Boston
AC in Boston

February 13th, 2014, 8:48 pm #13

I totally understand where you are coming from. This IF road is such a roller coaster and I don't think any of us are fully prepared for it when we first start out. I think most of us think that we will be one of those lucky ones who gets PG on the first try and when that doesn't happen, we are just sure that DE is the magic bullet. Truth is, even with DE, sometimes it just takes a while.

I've been at this for over 6.5 years and it took me 12 years to get my DH on board before that, so yes, I truly do understand what a long road really looks like. I did 3 OE cycles (1 of which was cancelled due to poor response) before moving on to DE. It was a hard choice initially but once made, I have never looked back and never, ever regretted. Lucky me, I got PG on the first DE cycle with twins. I was overjoyed, ecstatic, so blessed, and thought I had it made. Turns out I was so wrong as I lost them when they were born prematurely at nearly 23 weeks. Turns out after all of the tests that RE's put us through, non of them do a simple blood test to determine if there are clotting issues. So, I lost our little ones due to not 1, but 3 clotting disorders! Distraught, so beaten down, but I wanted to cycle again ASAP as it seemed like the only thing I could control at the time. A few months later we transferred 2 great looking blasts and got a big fat negative. Wow, what a crushing blow! Thankfully we had 2 blasts left. Well, neither survived the thaw and we were cancelled the day of transfer. By then my DH was totally over the whole thing and I was a basket case. I became a research guru and looked at every clinic I could think of both here in the US and abroad. After much (and I mean a ton) of pleading & begging, DH finally got on board when we met with a wonderful, compassionate doctor across the country. We spent a mere fortune (again) and had an awesome retreival. We did PGD and decided to transfer a boy & a girl blast, both perfect looking. Initial betas were as high as my previous twin pregnancy but then after a bit of spotting they leveled off and we were blessed with a wonderful DD. She is the light & joy of our lives and beyond worth every single heartache and excruiciating moment we went through to get her here. She was born early also but is strong, healthy, and perfect in every way. So, with all of our beautiful embies just sitting there, it took me another 2 years to convince DH to let me try for a sibling. (We are talking nearly divorce type discussions as I want it so badly and he is fine without). Anyway, knowing 1 more is really all we can handle, we recently transferred a beautiful, untested blast. (I wanted to do 2 but succumb to hubby and just did 1). We got PG and were so very happy, both of us! Well, at the first u/s, an empty gestational sac so we just had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. Now I am back to begging for another try! I am so very, very blessed to have been successful once and probably shouldn't tempt my fate, but the heart wants what the heart wants and you just can't deny it. If you really want a child, they by all means stick with it because miracles do happen even when it seems to take so much longer than we would like.

BTW, I also know what you mean about thinking God doesn't want you to have a baby. I felt that way many times and so foresaken when we lost our babies. I have since decided though that it is just the opposite. God knows how strong we are and knows that while we hate the adversity, we can bear it and power through and in turn, our faith becomes stronger. It did teach me though that I have to totally rely upon Him and not myself because unfortuately we just don't have any control. Hang in there. I hope your miracle finds you soon!
Nothing like reading a story like yours to put my experience into perspective. First, I'm sorry sorry about your m/c. I'm so happy you finally had a beautiful daughter. I can't imagine the heartache you endured losing your premies. I'm so, so sorry. Just last week a friend of mine lost her daughter after she was born at 24 weeks. It's so unfair. I admire your strength and tenacity to move forward. You clearly know yourself and what you need to be happy in life. I wish you the best on your next cycle. You deserve another little miracle.
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Hopeful7608
Hopeful7608

February 13th, 2014, 10:32 pm #14

I really need to hear about your successes. After 4 IVFs (1 with DE) 2 m/c in a year, and 3 yrs of nonstop IF treatment I'm beyond discouraged. I pretty much hate my life of never ending doctor's appointments, constant heartbreak, absolutely insane inner dialog about why it hasn't work for me, new and unwanted longterm relationships with nurses, u/s techs, and phlebotomists. While I love my husband I sort of hate him too. Why can't he know EXACTLY how I feel and stop being an idiot? I hate that I'm not happy for my colleagues expecting babies anymore. I actually loathe them even more if they are my age. All I can think is "why not me?" Just about anything that causes me inconvenience makes me as angry and irrational as a toddler in the candy aisle. I sort of hate myself. I often think this isn't happening because I'm a giant a-hole and God thinks there are enough A-hole parents out there (and I agree).

I do realize that I'm in a funk and yes, I am talking to someone about it. That being said I would LOVE to feel like continuing to cycle, contemplating another fresh DE cycle if my FET doesn't work, etc. is not crazy. I feel like I'm at the precipice of success or moving on and what I really want is the encouragement to hang in there. I can't imagine my life without kids but a year ago I couldn't imagine doing DE. Maybe if I get off the cycle roller coaster I'll be over it all. That would be nice but I don't think so and I'm pretty sure when DH and I are old and spending holidays as "guests" of other people's families we'll have regrets for not doing everything in our power to be absolutely certain we're out of the game.

Long story short, share some good news!! Tell me how you got through your failed cycles and built yourself up again to eventually be successful. THANK YOU!!!
I completely understand your pain and frustration. I am not a frequent poster but do follow along from time to time. My journey started 4 years ago and I definitely had moments where I thought I was done. Diagnosed with high fsh, told there was little hope but could try iui. We got lucky and pregnant on 2 nd try but miscarried at 8weeks. We live in Maine so all oop and started to work with a clinic in Boston who told us go right to de and that we had 87% to have a baby. Unfortunately after 9 months, 3 transfers of 6 "great embryos", many tears and thousands of dollars the best we could do is a beta of 50. I tried intralipids, prednisone, let's of blood work looking for a problem but didn't find much. Meanwhile all my close friends had kids or were pregnant so I remember telling my husband I wanted to move somewhere new where no one knew us and start a new life where I never wanted to be a mom (slightly irrational). The only way I could cope was to have a plan. We decided to try one last time with a new donor, clinic halfway across the country and see what happened. It was a completely different experience and we found success on the first try with a dd. As hard and painful as it was it was worth every tear when she smiles at us. Be sad, be mad, and make a plan......be good to yourself
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Joined: August 1st, 2012, 6:50 pm

February 14th, 2014, 12:09 am #15

I really need to hear about your successes. After 4 IVFs (1 with DE) 2 m/c in a year, and 3 yrs of nonstop IF treatment I'm beyond discouraged. I pretty much hate my life of never ending doctor's appointments, constant heartbreak, absolutely insane inner dialog about why it hasn't work for me, new and unwanted longterm relationships with nurses, u/s techs, and phlebotomists. While I love my husband I sort of hate him too. Why can't he know EXACTLY how I feel and stop being an idiot? I hate that I'm not happy for my colleagues expecting babies anymore. I actually loathe them even more if they are my age. All I can think is "why not me?" Just about anything that causes me inconvenience makes me as angry and irrational as a toddler in the candy aisle. I sort of hate myself. I often think this isn't happening because I'm a giant a-hole and God thinks there are enough A-hole parents out there (and I agree).

I do realize that I'm in a funk and yes, I am talking to someone about it. That being said I would LOVE to feel like continuing to cycle, contemplating another fresh DE cycle if my FET doesn't work, etc. is not crazy. I feel like I'm at the precipice of success or moving on and what I really want is the encouragement to hang in there. I can't imagine my life without kids but a year ago I couldn't imagine doing DE. Maybe if I get off the cycle roller coaster I'll be over it all. That would be nice but I don't think so and I'm pretty sure when DH and I are old and spending holidays as "guests" of other people's families we'll have regrets for not doing everything in our power to be absolutely certain we're out of the game.

Long story short, share some good news!! Tell me how you got through your failed cycles and built yourself up again to eventually be successful. THANK YOU!!!
Sorry-- wish I could inspire, but I am at the start of the DE journey and don't have a success story yet. I am, however, a long time IF vet. I have spent 8 of the last 10 years TTC. Your comment regarding the insane inner dialog about why it hasn't worked really resonates. I would tell you to stop doing that, but I have no idea how one stops that little voice. And the "why not me...", whether it's neighbors, friends or coworkers, it is just so awfully painful. You can explain it to someone who hasn't been there, but they really can't grasp the intensity of the feelings, the sense of inadequacy, the anger, and the envy of other women, not just for the babies they have, but for the ease with which they do it-- in the privacy of their own bedrooms, without meds, needles & invasive procedures, and without emptying their bank accounts and 401Ks.

Regarding DH, their brains are just not configured for saying the right thing. When I chose my first donor (who later bailed), his response was "pretty exciting!". You bet. So exciting, after years of pain and failure, to choose my genetic replacement.

I don't mean to be a downer. The whole point is that this absolutely sucks, and you are not alone in feeling what you are feeling. The process is hell, but the payoff is inexpressibly wonderful-- I really believe that. What keeps me going is just what you mention-- the question of what I am more likely to regret-- spending all the money and going through all the hell, or looking back on it all and wishing I had.

So I wish I had inspiration for you now, but I don't. I do hope you have some to share very soon. For now, please know you are not alone.

Take care,
Sophie
Last edited by sophie6 on February 14th, 2014, 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 25th, 2011, 4:15 pm

February 14th, 2014, 12:18 am #16

I think I wrote this post. No advice but I feel exactly the same way. The lady at Quest today told me that God must not want it to happen. I wanted to deck her....guess God wants the crack whore prostitute and rape victim to procreate but not me....
I don't often post on here, but wanted to say how sorry I am that you had such a moron at Quest. Wow! I don't even know exactly what to say, except wow! What an insensitive idiot!
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Joined: August 1st, 2012, 6:50 pm

February 14th, 2014, 12:20 am #17

I think I wrote this post. No advice but I feel exactly the same way. The lady at Quest today told me that God must not want it to happen. I wanted to deck her....guess God wants the crack whore prostitute and rape victim to procreate but not me....
Enough that she thought something this idiotic, but she needed to actually say it to you, too? And how was this supposed to help? So sorry!!!
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

February 14th, 2014, 12:52 am #18

What a roller coaster. I would have gone bananas. I'm so happy for you. Brought a tear to my eye and reassures me that it's not crazy to hang in there. Thank you for the book rec. Just ordered it.
The book will make you laugh and cry but in the end it is a story of hope. It all will help to valdate are your feelings. Have a box of tissues nearby.
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Violet
Violet

February 14th, 2014, 12:59 am #19

I really need to hear about your successes. After 4 IVFs (1 with DE) 2 m/c in a year, and 3 yrs of nonstop IF treatment I'm beyond discouraged. I pretty much hate my life of never ending doctor's appointments, constant heartbreak, absolutely insane inner dialog about why it hasn't work for me, new and unwanted longterm relationships with nurses, u/s techs, and phlebotomists. While I love my husband I sort of hate him too. Why can't he know EXACTLY how I feel and stop being an idiot? I hate that I'm not happy for my colleagues expecting babies anymore. I actually loathe them even more if they are my age. All I can think is "why not me?" Just about anything that causes me inconvenience makes me as angry and irrational as a toddler in the candy aisle. I sort of hate myself. I often think this isn't happening because I'm a giant a-hole and God thinks there are enough A-hole parents out there (and I agree).

I do realize that I'm in a funk and yes, I am talking to someone about it. That being said I would LOVE to feel like continuing to cycle, contemplating another fresh DE cycle if my FET doesn't work, etc. is not crazy. I feel like I'm at the precipice of success or moving on and what I really want is the encouragement to hang in there. I can't imagine my life without kids but a year ago I couldn't imagine doing DE. Maybe if I get off the cycle roller coaster I'll be over it all. That would be nice but I don't think so and I'm pretty sure when DH and I are old and spending holidays as "guests" of other people's families we'll have regrets for not doing everything in our power to be absolutely certain we're out of the game.

Long story short, share some good news!! Tell me how you got through your failed cycles and built yourself up again to eventually be successful. THANK YOU!!!
I am with you, sister.

What keeps me going after 5+ yrs - 2 OE miscarriages, 1 DE miscarriage and 1 DE chemical along with DH's cancer?

I love kids. I work with kids and they bring me so much joy. I dont' want to be that person who works with kids but does not get to parent her own child. I think I am meant to be a parent. I am very comfortable with children and want the chance to love my own child and not just all the kids I work with.

You are meant to be a parent too. Please do not think you are not meant to be a parent because of all this bs. It's wrong that it is taking so friggin long and you have to beat down so many things to make it happen but you cannot give up if that is what you want.

I am starting things back up again after mourning our loss from November. It helps me to tweak things each time. We are working with a new immunologist who is really poring through my mounds of paperwork and offering some suggestions that are helpful.

I have to say that I am angrier than I thought I was. When I am making calls regarding testing, insurance or whatever, I was to reach through the phone and take the person down. I think 5 yrs of this stuff will do that to you. I am trying to get a handle on it as I know it is not healthy for me and my immune system.

DH keeps saying we are in this together. He is really healthy right now and I am so grateful for that. However, we are not in this together because I do 95% of everything and then he debates with me about do I need to do this or that or could I stop complaining about x or y.
I know he has absolutely no clue how exhausting all this is...it's also frustating as I was more than a right hand man during his toughest cancer days. He does not know the running around to appts, lying at work, you name it.
My new strategy is to not talk to him about this and just send him emails and update him on what I am doing and ask if he has an opinion.
It is very sad but I needed a boundary. I can't handle the debating all the stuff and telling me what I am doing wrong when I am busting my ass.

What I am doing to help myself is yoga, working out, meditation when I can manage it, seeing friends without kids, reading books I enjoy and just kind of living in a way that works for me right now.

Just do your best and know that the way you are feeling is completely normal for what you are going through.

I am just really sorry you have to do it all.
I read the book you ordered...very good..she did not give up.
Thinking of you.
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Antonialisa
Antonialisa

February 14th, 2014, 5:10 am #20

I really need to hear about your successes. After 4 IVFs (1 with DE) 2 m/c in a year, and 3 yrs of nonstop IF treatment I'm beyond discouraged. I pretty much hate my life of never ending doctor's appointments, constant heartbreak, absolutely insane inner dialog about why it hasn't work for me, new and unwanted longterm relationships with nurses, u/s techs, and phlebotomists. While I love my husband I sort of hate him too. Why can't he know EXACTLY how I feel and stop being an idiot? I hate that I'm not happy for my colleagues expecting babies anymore. I actually loathe them even more if they are my age. All I can think is "why not me?" Just about anything that causes me inconvenience makes me as angry and irrational as a toddler in the candy aisle. I sort of hate myself. I often think this isn't happening because I'm a giant a-hole and God thinks there are enough A-hole parents out there (and I agree).

I do realize that I'm in a funk and yes, I am talking to someone about it. That being said I would LOVE to feel like continuing to cycle, contemplating another fresh DE cycle if my FET doesn't work, etc. is not crazy. I feel like I'm at the precipice of success or moving on and what I really want is the encouragement to hang in there. I can't imagine my life without kids but a year ago I couldn't imagine doing DE. Maybe if I get off the cycle roller coaster I'll be over it all. That would be nice but I don't think so and I'm pretty sure when DH and I are old and spending holidays as "guests" of other people's families we'll have regrets for not doing everything in our power to be absolutely certain we're out of the game.

Long story short, share some good news!! Tell me how you got through your failed cycles and built yourself up again to eventually be successful. THANK YOU!!!
AC, I am sorry you have had such a rough road. I TTC'd for 3 years before conceiving my son (now 8 months) through DE. 3 years is a long time and I shed a lot of tears over those years, but my suffering does not compare to some others who have had horrible losses and have really gone through hell.

What I will say is that I believe you should carry on if your heart tells you to. I dropped $30k on a guarantee program after spending about $10k unsuccessfully and I got pregnant on the first try. Watching a little newborn baby grow up has been pure magic for me. I don't regret the struggle and I think I would have regretted not doing what I did. I did initially grieve my OE not working, but the DE does not bother me in the slightest now. I feel immense gratitude every day to have my little son. The bond I have with him fills my heart up and it really does heal all that pain that IF caused me. I don't know if this is helpful to you. I know it is very difficult.
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