Recommendations for DNA testing (OE success ment / sensitive OE topic) (x-post)

Recommendations for DNA testing (OE success ment / sensitive OE topic) (x-post)

Joined: September 19th, 2010, 9:20 pm

March 16th, 2012, 4:26 am #1


Hi Ladies. I'm a regular of the high FSH sister boards.  I <em>sincerely </em>hope I don't offend with this post but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight on a sensitive OE issue.   Back in December 2010 I was moving on to DE after numerous failed OE cycles.  In the midst of that process I became naturally PG and delivered my DD this past August.

I was very vocal with family and friends and interested parties about my IF struggles and about moving on to DE; i.e. I was "tell" before I was ever even in a DE cycle.  I was also frank and truthful about how DD was conceived.

In the months since DD was born I have been on the receiving end of comments of how DD looks nothing like me.  In fact I just recently found out that one relative asked another relative "where did those blue eyes come from?!" in reference to DD.  You see, I have brown eyes and DH has hazel eyes (we both have some relatives with blue eyes in our family backgrounds though but no one seems to focus on this!).  Another relative said "you didn't contribute anything; she looks just like her father; well, maybe her feet (!!!) look like yours."  (btw, it wasn't said mean-sprited at all; just like a teasing joking comment).

In the past weeks/months I have been having a growing concern over this and a recent family trip is what put me over the edge.

Maybe I'm being irrational (and if so please chime in! DH thinks I am...) but I'm now worried if people are thinking that I totally lied about DD being OE since I was so open about DE.  And my concern isn't so much about whether people think I'm lying but I'm so worried that maybe someone could one day lead DD to think she was DE.  There are also some dynamics in our lives (won't get into details here for privacy reasons) that I could see serve as a basis for someone in the future to try to question DD's rights to claim blah blah blah.

I'm sorry to have given so much background. I just felt weird posting the question without any background since I'm not a regular of this board (just lurk).  I know this is an OE-centered topic but I was thinking that because DE may bring into question maternity that maybe you have input on DNA testing.  So to my question:

Have any of you ladies had a voluntary/self-pay DNA test done to prove/disprove maternity/paternity?  And if so, do you have any company recommendations?

Thank you for any insight!
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

March 16th, 2012, 5:12 am #2

Well it sounds to me like the people you told about the possibility of using DE do think you have lied about your natural conception. Blue eyed babies can come from a combination of hazel and brown eyed parents if both parents have recessive blue eyes. But I think they just have it stuck in their head she is DE conceived and no matter what you say you won't be able to change what they think. How annoying.

I do think it sounds like a good idea to have a paternity/maternity test done for your DD. Just in case it ever comes up and the relatives do say something to her. You could explain the whole situation to her when she is older. Legally she is your DD regardless of whether or not you used OE or DE but you don't want relatives claiming she is not your genetic DD and therefore not entitled to claim something. That would be awful emotionally for your DD. Legally she is your DD no matter how you look at it.

I don't think you are being irrational thinking about this stuff. It could happen and it is good to be prepared just in case. I know you can order maternity/paternity tests online and they are not super expensive. If you know any divorce attorneys they could probably recomend testing facilities they have used for paternity testing. Paternity testing is common. Probably not too many maternity tests being done yet.

I've never done any tests so I don't have any suggestions for a place to use. But in your situation it sounds like it might give you some peace of mind as something to have for your DD. Sorry to hear your relatives are being a pain about this.

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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 16th, 2012, 5:39 am #3

If they don't believe you conceived naturally, why are they going to believe you if they see you feel you have to prove it to them by having a test done, a test that you have previously claimed you already knew the answer to. I would think it would just cause them to think you're protesting a bit too much.

If your child (congratulations, by the way, wonderful story) ever has doubts, then you should offer to pay for the test for HER, not for anyone else.

Busybodies stink, don't they? This is why I am no tell for now.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

March 16th, 2012, 5:52 am #4

I would only test for her sake and I wouldn't even mention the test to the relatives. No need to prove anything to them. And they are busy bodies.

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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

March 16th, 2012, 6:42 am #5

Hi Ladies. I'm a regular of the high FSH sister boards.  I <em>sincerely </em>hope I don't offend with this post but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight on a sensitive OE issue.   Back in December 2010 I was moving on to DE after numerous failed OE cycles.  In the midst of that process I became naturally PG and delivered my DD this past August.

I was very vocal with family and friends and interested parties about my IF struggles and about moving on to DE; i.e. I was "tell" before I was ever even in a DE cycle.  I was also frank and truthful about how DD was conceived.

In the months since DD was born I have been on the receiving end of comments of how DD looks nothing like me.  In fact I just recently found out that one relative asked another relative "where did those blue eyes come from?!" in reference to DD.  You see, I have brown eyes and DH has hazel eyes (we both have some relatives with blue eyes in our family backgrounds though but no one seems to focus on this!).  Another relative said "you didn't contribute anything; she looks just like her father; well, maybe her feet (!!!) look like yours."  (btw, it wasn't said mean-sprited at all; just like a teasing joking comment).

In the past weeks/months I have been having a growing concern over this and a recent family trip is what put me over the edge.

Maybe I'm being irrational (and if so please chime in! DH thinks I am...) but I'm now worried if people are thinking that I totally lied about DD being OE since I was so open about DE.  And my concern isn't so much about whether people think I'm lying but I'm so worried that maybe someone could one day lead DD to think she was DE.  There are also some dynamics in our lives (won't get into details here for privacy reasons) that I could see serve as a basis for someone in the future to try to question DD's rights to claim blah blah blah.

I'm sorry to have given so much background. I just felt weird posting the question without any background since I'm not a regular of this board (just lurk).  I know this is an OE-centered topic but I was thinking that because DE may bring into question maternity that maybe you have input on DNA testing.  So to my question:

Have any of you ladies had a voluntary/self-pay DNA test done to prove/disprove maternity/paternity?  And if so, do you have any company recommendations?

Thank you for any insight!
For my birthday my DH bought me some tests for the purpose of genealogy through www.familytreendna.com It was very meaningful for me as it confirmed a family rumor about some portion of my ethnicity. There are numerous tests but the one you need is just a simple parent-child DNA match.

Anyway, you are quite right that if relatives get to yapping, your daughter could become misled into believing something that is untrue and that could cause a lot of emotional pain. I would get the test for her sake.

If you want to shut people up, and I know I certainly would, I would determine who the "leader of the yentas" is and show the test to her, but to no one else. She'll be sure to disseminate the info and then your job is done. I would be frank with her and say you are doing this because unfortunately you have had to be concerned about your daughter's emotional wellbeing in light of all the gossip.

Good luck!

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Joined: October 12th, 2006, 1:00 pm

March 16th, 2012, 11:33 am #6

Hi Ladies. I'm a regular of the high FSH sister boards.  I <em>sincerely </em>hope I don't offend with this post but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight on a sensitive OE issue.   Back in December 2010 I was moving on to DE after numerous failed OE cycles.  In the midst of that process I became naturally PG and delivered my DD this past August.

I was very vocal with family and friends and interested parties about my IF struggles and about moving on to DE; i.e. I was "tell" before I was ever even in a DE cycle.  I was also frank and truthful about how DD was conceived.

In the months since DD was born I have been on the receiving end of comments of how DD looks nothing like me.  In fact I just recently found out that one relative asked another relative "where did those blue eyes come from?!" in reference to DD.  You see, I have brown eyes and DH has hazel eyes (we both have some relatives with blue eyes in our family backgrounds though but no one seems to focus on this!).  Another relative said "you didn't contribute anything; she looks just like her father; well, maybe her feet (!!!) look like yours."  (btw, it wasn't said mean-sprited at all; just like a teasing joking comment).

In the past weeks/months I have been having a growing concern over this and a recent family trip is what put me over the edge.

Maybe I'm being irrational (and if so please chime in! DH thinks I am...) but I'm now worried if people are thinking that I totally lied about DD being OE since I was so open about DE.  And my concern isn't so much about whether people think I'm lying but I'm so worried that maybe someone could one day lead DD to think she was DE.  There are also some dynamics in our lives (won't get into details here for privacy reasons) that I could see serve as a basis for someone in the future to try to question DD's rights to claim blah blah blah.

I'm sorry to have given so much background. I just felt weird posting the question without any background since I'm not a regular of this board (just lurk).  I know this is an OE-centered topic but I was thinking that because DE may bring into question maternity that maybe you have input on DNA testing.  So to my question:

Have any of you ladies had a voluntary/self-pay DNA test done to prove/disprove maternity/paternity?  And if so, do you have any company recommendations?

Thank you for any insight!
Is there a chance that you may decide to have a second baby, this time using DE? If yes, I wouldn't do the test.
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Joined: June 5th, 2011, 4:39 pm

March 16th, 2012, 2:40 pm #7

Hi Ladies. I'm a regular of the high FSH sister boards.  I <em>sincerely </em>hope I don't offend with this post but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight on a sensitive OE issue.   Back in December 2010 I was moving on to DE after numerous failed OE cycles.  In the midst of that process I became naturally PG and delivered my DD this past August.

I was very vocal with family and friends and interested parties about my IF struggles and about moving on to DE; i.e. I was "tell" before I was ever even in a DE cycle.  I was also frank and truthful about how DD was conceived.

In the months since DD was born I have been on the receiving end of comments of how DD looks nothing like me.  In fact I just recently found out that one relative asked another relative "where did those blue eyes come from?!" in reference to DD.  You see, I have brown eyes and DH has hazel eyes (we both have some relatives with blue eyes in our family backgrounds though but no one seems to focus on this!).  Another relative said "you didn't contribute anything; she looks just like her father; well, maybe her feet (!!!) look like yours."  (btw, it wasn't said mean-sprited at all; just like a teasing joking comment).

In the past weeks/months I have been having a growing concern over this and a recent family trip is what put me over the edge.

Maybe I'm being irrational (and if so please chime in! DH thinks I am...) but I'm now worried if people are thinking that I totally lied about DD being OE since I was so open about DE.  And my concern isn't so much about whether people think I'm lying but I'm so worried that maybe someone could one day lead DD to think she was DE.  There are also some dynamics in our lives (won't get into details here for privacy reasons) that I could see serve as a basis for someone in the future to try to question DD's rights to claim blah blah blah.

I'm sorry to have given so much background. I just felt weird posting the question without any background since I'm not a regular of this board (just lurk).  I know this is an OE-centered topic but I was thinking that because DE may bring into question maternity that maybe you have input on DNA testing.  So to my question:

Have any of you ladies had a voluntary/self-pay DNA test done to prove/disprove maternity/paternity?  And if so, do you have any company recommendations?

Thank you for any insight!
I do not have a lab for you. I would hate for you to have to present a test to people to have them believe you. This is just horrible and I would be very resentful.

FYI, both of my OE children barely look like me. As DD has gotten older (she is now 7 - sigh), I see somewhat of resemblance towards me but it is very subtle. I think the same thing will happen to you as I always think that nature has the infants/babies resemble the father so that he knows it is his and as the children get older you will start to see a resemblance. Kinda of cavemen mentality.

Anyways, these situations futher confirm our no tell philosophy if we ever get to a live birth again w/ DE.

Hope all is well and that you find peace through testing or not.

FB
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

March 16th, 2012, 5:04 pm #8

Hi Ladies. I'm a regular of the high FSH sister boards.  I <em>sincerely </em>hope I don't offend with this post but I'm hoping that you can provide some insight on a sensitive OE issue.   Back in December 2010 I was moving on to DE after numerous failed OE cycles.  In the midst of that process I became naturally PG and delivered my DD this past August.

I was very vocal with family and friends and interested parties about my IF struggles and about moving on to DE; i.e. I was "tell" before I was ever even in a DE cycle.  I was also frank and truthful about how DD was conceived.

In the months since DD was born I have been on the receiving end of comments of how DD looks nothing like me.  In fact I just recently found out that one relative asked another relative "where did those blue eyes come from?!" in reference to DD.  You see, I have brown eyes and DH has hazel eyes (we both have some relatives with blue eyes in our family backgrounds though but no one seems to focus on this!).  Another relative said "you didn't contribute anything; she looks just like her father; well, maybe her feet (!!!) look like yours."  (btw, it wasn't said mean-sprited at all; just like a teasing joking comment).

In the past weeks/months I have been having a growing concern over this and a recent family trip is what put me over the edge.

Maybe I'm being irrational (and if so please chime in! DH thinks I am...) but I'm now worried if people are thinking that I totally lied about DD being OE since I was so open about DE.  And my concern isn't so much about whether people think I'm lying but I'm so worried that maybe someone could one day lead DD to think she was DE.  There are also some dynamics in our lives (won't get into details here for privacy reasons) that I could see serve as a basis for someone in the future to try to question DD's rights to claim blah blah blah.

I'm sorry to have given so much background. I just felt weird posting the question without any background since I'm not a regular of this board (just lurk).  I know this is an OE-centered topic but I was thinking that because DE may bring into question maternity that maybe you have input on DNA testing.  So to my question:

Have any of you ladies had a voluntary/self-pay DNA test done to prove/disprove maternity/paternity?  And if so, do you have any company recommendations?

Thank you for any insight!
I swear, some people need a heaping dose of sensitivity training. I'm sorry you're going through this. As I posted above, this is why we haven't told any family members yet. There is this one woman/acquaintance and for the longest time every time she saw my OE DD she would comment on how she looks nothing like me. Well, now at 5 she looks like she fell off of my apple tree. Your child may in fact look more like you as she gets older. I would be very direct to your family members about this, and yes, only do the DNA testing if your DD wants/needs it down the road.

My DE twins look nothing like DH or the donor so the next time they have a blood draw I'm just going to do blood type testing (not DNA). If their genetics are what we think they are, they'll have one of the two. If not, we'll be giving the clinic a call!
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Joined: September 19th, 2010, 9:20 pm

March 17th, 2012, 1:39 am #9

Well it sounds to me like the people you told about the possibility of using DE do think you have lied about your natural conception. Blue eyed babies can come from a combination of hazel and brown eyed parents if both parents have recessive blue eyes. But I think they just have it stuck in their head she is DE conceived and no matter what you say you won't be able to change what they think. How annoying.

I do think it sounds like a good idea to have a paternity/maternity test done for your DD. Just in case it ever comes up and the relatives do say something to her. You could explain the whole situation to her when she is older. Legally she is your DD regardless of whether or not you used OE or DE but you don't want relatives claiming she is not your genetic DD and therefore not entitled to claim something. That would be awful emotionally for your DD. Legally she is your DD no matter how you look at it.

I don't think you are being irrational thinking about this stuff. It could happen and it is good to be prepared just in case. I know you can order maternity/paternity tests online and they are not super expensive. If you know any divorce attorneys they could probably recomend testing facilities they have used for paternity testing. Paternity testing is common. Probably not too many maternity tests being done yet.

I've never done any tests so I don't have any suggestions for a place to use. But in your situation it sounds like it might give you some peace of mind as something to have for your DD. Sorry to hear your relatives are being a pain about this.

Honestly, it's not about me and what they think about me.  It's me fast forwarding 5, 10, 15 years from now and envisioning a scene where a family member or friend could bring this up to DD and cause an unecessary emotional issue.

I think part of it is fueled by the fact that I personally was involved in the revelation of a family secret as a child.  I knew the secret (which oddly and coincidently dealt with a relative's maternity!!!!) and revealed it completely innocently and non-chalantly (since it wasn't a secret for me).  So I know firsthand the pain that these types of secrets can cause.

DD will absolutely know the story of how mom and dad tried so hard and how it was that she came to be.  It's just that I wouldn't want anyone to EVER make her question ANYTHING.

Thank you for the info on the blue eye recessive gene!  Want to know what's funny?!  JUST last night we went to dinner and brought DD along.  As soon as we settled at the table the bartender (of all people!) made a beeline to us and started oggling at DD.  He immediately noticed her eyes and commented how beautiful and then turned to both of us and said "OK so which one of you has blue eyes?  Ummm Mom? you have brown.  Dad?  you have hazel.  Hmmm where the blue eyes from?"  LOL!!!!  So even this total stranger made a comment!

Thanks for chiming in especially as you're awaiting your own little bean to pop any day now!!!  Very exciting!

 
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Joined: September 19th, 2010, 9:20 pm

March 17th, 2012, 1:45 am #10

If they don't believe you conceived naturally, why are they going to believe you if they see you feel you have to prove it to them by having a test done, a test that you have previously claimed you already knew the answer to. I would think it would just cause them to think you're protesting a bit too much.

If your child (congratulations, by the way, wonderful story) ever has doubts, then you should offer to pay for the test for HER, not for anyone else.

Busybodies stink, don't they? This is why I am no tell for now.
I agree that if I start parading a DNA test result that would add more fuel to the fire.  I should have clarified that would absolutely not be my intent.  I'm not looking to prove something to anyone now.

I'm thinking to have the test done now for the sole purposes of having it on file should the need arise for proof.

In the meantime I just deal with the busybodies and the comments.

 
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