Question for DE Moms (PG ment.)

Question for DE Moms (PG ment.)

Anon
Anon

October 16th, 2011, 12:08 pm #1

I'm sorry to post this question here, rather than on the pink board, but the pink board doesn't allow for anon postings.

Question for DE moms...I'm a few months along now and I'm grateful each and every day for our blessing. But I do still wonder about, think about, am a little melancholic about having lost the genetic link. Our donor looked a lot like I did when I was a little girl, but still. I think about how much of DH our baby will have. And I know my body is nourishing and loving our child. But I still think about it. Is this normal? DH shared that he feels the same way, at times.

We watched a stupid comedy last night on TV (that silly Ted Danson cable comedy...Boredom? Dying of Boredom?). Anyway, the lead character is told (as an adult) that his parents used donor sperm. You can imagine how it went from there - "I still think of him as my father." I will just die if our child turns to me and says she thinks of me as Mom - of COURSE I'm Mom! That line just went in like a dagger. The lead character then started talking about how he had spent so much of his life telling himself he was nothing like his father, not realizing just how true that was. Another dagger.

We'll be telling our child from an early age (and we've told just a few friends and family members as well), so hopefully we won't have to deal with this kind of thing as our child grows up. Anyway, I've been thinking about this stuff on and off, and this stupid TV show just brought it out again.

I just wonder how much of "me" will get passed along. Not that "me" is any great prize or anything, but I think you ladies know what I mean.

Thanks.

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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

October 16th, 2011, 2:43 pm #2

At the beginning, EVERYONE talked about how much DD looked like DH (which was wonderful because we'd used a mix of his sperm and donor sperm) but now that she has a personality, walking and talking and playing a clown, people say how like me she is (sometimes) and I see that she really is (personality-wise). Of course she uses my expressions, etc.

You will think about it sometimes but I promise it becomes less and less important as time goes by.

Wishing you all the best.
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Joined: January 1st, 2006, 3:50 pm

October 16th, 2011, 4:37 pm #3

I'm sorry to post this question here, rather than on the pink board, but the pink board doesn't allow for anon postings.

Question for DE moms...I'm a few months along now and I'm grateful each and every day for our blessing. But I do still wonder about, think about, am a little melancholic about having lost the genetic link. Our donor looked a lot like I did when I was a little girl, but still. I think about how much of DH our baby will have. And I know my body is nourishing and loving our child. But I still think about it. Is this normal? DH shared that he feels the same way, at times.

We watched a stupid comedy last night on TV (that silly Ted Danson cable comedy...Boredom? Dying of Boredom?). Anyway, the lead character is told (as an adult) that his parents used donor sperm. You can imagine how it went from there - "I still think of him as my father." I will just die if our child turns to me and says she thinks of me as Mom - of COURSE I'm Mom! That line just went in like a dagger. The lead character then started talking about how he had spent so much of his life telling himself he was nothing like his father, not realizing just how true that was. Another dagger.

We'll be telling our child from an early age (and we've told just a few friends and family members as well), so hopefully we won't have to deal with this kind of thing as our child grows up. Anyway, I've been thinking about this stuff on and off, and this stupid TV show just brought it out again.

I just wonder how much of "me" will get passed along. Not that "me" is any great prize or anything, but I think you ladies know what I mean.

Thanks.
You WILL be surprised at how much like you, your child will be. Mannerisms, smiles, etc. Sure every now and then, I still am a bit sad that our two are not genetically mine- but then again, I cant imagine having any other little ones.

The other day I had three different people tell me how much our son looks like me. One said "he's got your looks, your husband's heart".

Kay

" Some people built castles in the air. She constructed hers from mashed potatoes, which kept down demolition costs." Sarah Sloane, Borrowing Priviledges
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CrazyLady
CrazyLady

October 16th, 2011, 7:59 pm #4

I'm sorry to post this question here, rather than on the pink board, but the pink board doesn't allow for anon postings.

Question for DE moms...I'm a few months along now and I'm grateful each and every day for our blessing. But I do still wonder about, think about, am a little melancholic about having lost the genetic link. Our donor looked a lot like I did when I was a little girl, but still. I think about how much of DH our baby will have. And I know my body is nourishing and loving our child. But I still think about it. Is this normal? DH shared that he feels the same way, at times.

We watched a stupid comedy last night on TV (that silly Ted Danson cable comedy...Boredom? Dying of Boredom?). Anyway, the lead character is told (as an adult) that his parents used donor sperm. You can imagine how it went from there - "I still think of him as my father." I will just die if our child turns to me and says she thinks of me as Mom - of COURSE I'm Mom! That line just went in like a dagger. The lead character then started talking about how he had spent so much of his life telling himself he was nothing like his father, not realizing just how true that was. Another dagger.

We'll be telling our child from an early age (and we've told just a few friends and family members as well), so hopefully we won't have to deal with this kind of thing as our child grows up. Anyway, I've been thinking about this stuff on and off, and this stupid TV show just brought it out again.

I just wonder how much of "me" will get passed along. Not that "me" is any great prize or anything, but I think you ladies know what I mean.

Thanks.
babycotton posted this on another topic... but i couldn't agree more with what this says about epigenetics...


and here's something beautifully written that i think you will like:

"Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother's body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child.

The fetus will use her body's protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband's aunt Sara or the donor's grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby's earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman's "flesh and blood." That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient's body.

That is why she is the child's biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child."

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Julie
Julie

October 17th, 2011, 12:00 am #5

It is exactly how I feel. My LO would not be who she is if she had not been in ME. We are going to tell her about DE. I think the big thing for us is we just know that SHE is the baby we were meant to have. It just how it is. I am actually so happy how much she looks like my DH -- actually she looks like his brother and that brother's oldest daughter. I think it is very cook I can look at her and know about what she willl look like as an adult (the niece is 24 or so). I don't feel sad about the lost genetics really because if I had used OE I would not have her and I don't want anybody else. Also, there is no doubt who is her favorite. I am the biggest part of her world. Maybe there will be bobbles along the way but I am not going to worry about it now because it is all working as it should right now. GL.
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GIMB
GIMB

October 17th, 2011, 1:57 pm #6

babycotton posted this on another topic... but i couldn't agree more with what this says about epigenetics...


and here's something beautifully written that i think you will like:

"Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies- including egg donation pregnancies- is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother's body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her child.

The fetus will use her body's protein, then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband's aunt Sara or the donor's grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of the new baby's earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman's "flesh and blood." That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient's body.

That is why she is the child's biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child."
I know we have a number on these boards and this is an even tougher road for them. Posts like this are beautiful for those of us who were lucky to carry our children but can be more salt for those who haven't.

True story, I asked my DH yesterday how much it mattered to him that DS looked like him (it didn't), was his genetically (didn't matter). He said "if I found him on the street, I wouldn't love him any less. He's my son and I adore him."

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Joined: April 15th, 2011, 4:29 pm

October 17th, 2011, 2:57 pm #7

I think that the prior uplifting messages should make the board members who are using a surrogate feel fine too. The long and short of the other posters' messages is that the genetic blueprint still comes from the egg donor, no matter who the carrier is. It's nice that the baby uses the carrier's tissue, proteins, fluids, etc., but it doesn't really make a difference whose tissue, proteins, fluids, they use, the genetic blueprint stays the same (at least according to the posts in this string). It's important to provide the best host environment for your baby in utero, but you can find a very responsible surrogate to do that as well.
I wish that (since I am the gestational carrier of my donor baby) my carrying the baby made some sort of difference in how the baby turns out, but I kind of think it doesn't.
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Joined: July 3rd, 2004, 10:12 pm

October 17th, 2011, 3:41 pm #8

me in any why despite the fact that I carried my children. My children are genetically from their donors and have nothing from me apart from that which is nurture rather than nature.

What worries me (and I don't mean the posters above) is that some DE recipients misunderstand epigenetics and use it as a way to airbrush out the fact that their children are donor conceived mistakenly assuming that their uterine environment can somehow fundamentally make their children from their dna or even believe that the child will look like them because of epigenetics. Lots of confusion around this subject.

Again, I don't mean the posters on this thread, and certainly don't want to offend anyone. This is a personal opinion.

Daisy
xx
Last edited by loochieuk on October 17th, 2011, 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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BBG
BBG

October 17th, 2011, 4:04 pm #9

I know we have a number on these boards and this is an even tougher road for them. Posts like this are beautiful for those of us who were lucky to carry our children but can be more salt for those who haven't.

True story, I asked my DH yesterday how much it mattered to him that DS looked like him (it didn't), was his genetically (didn't matter). He said "if I found him on the street, I wouldn't love him any less. He's my son and I adore him."
I avoid these threads (read this one because I didn't know what it contained) because they actually make me feel worse about losing the gestational experience, but I understand why people using DE who were fortunate enough to be able to carry their babies would be comforted by the notions and that's totally fine.
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BBG
BBG

October 17th, 2011, 4:10 pm #10

me in any why despite the fact that I carried my children. My children are genetically from their donors and have nothing from me apart from that which is nurture rather than nature.

What worries me (and I don't mean the posters above) is that some DE recipients misunderstand epigenetics and use it as a way to airbrush out the fact that their children are donor conceived mistakenly assuming that their uterine environment can somehow fundamentally make their children from their dna or even believe that the child will look like them because of epigenetics. Lots of confusion around this subject.

Again, I don't mean the posters on this thread, and certainly don't want to offend anyone. This is a personal opinion.

Daisy
xx
I don't know the source of the quote in the post above but it's inaccurate. Epigenetics involves the influence of the mother's physiology on the genetic expression in the fetus - that is, we know that the donor provides the genes but the host mother's physiology can turn on or off any number of those genes. That's certainly significant and exciting enough as it is. But the notion that the host mother's body provides building blocks for the baby's body is false - the donor's DNA provides that. There is no exchange of tissue or blood between mother and baby whatsoever.
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