other's negative comments

other's negative comments

Joined: November 26th, 2009, 12:27 am

August 25th, 2012, 2:31 pm #1

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
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Dee
Dee

August 25th, 2012, 4:39 pm #2

I had a friend for many years who made negative comments about infertility treatments and pregnant women over age 40. (I probably shouldn't post her comments here because some of them were quite disturbing). She also did not want children herself, and did not understand why anyone else would. I don't see much of her any more, and she still doesn't understand why I avoid her. I don't even acknowledge her birthday anymore. I am just done with people like that. I have better things to with my time than exerting efforts into managing their toxic behavior.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

August 25th, 2012, 5:26 pm #3

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
Don't do anything. If she brings it up again, make non-responsive comments or say something vague like, "Well, I really think people's childbearing is their own business." That's going to make it all the more amusing when you start showing. Of course, if she doesn't know your age (and, trust me, she'll make a point of finding out), you won't get that entertainment, but you may as well enjoy it if you can. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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anon
anon

August 25th, 2012, 5:54 pm #4

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
you cannot please everyone. it's pretty basic and applies to everything any one does. there will always be somebody that takes issue with something. the best thing you can do for yourself is free yourself from being concerned that there might be someone that dosen't approve of your choices. you only make it hard for yourself if you worry over what somebody else might think. I know it's hard because we are already tramuatized by IF, then to have the added slap in the face from a holes that think they can spit out their opinions and advice just adds insult to injury. so, much easier to dismiss these negative folks as being one, misinformed, and secondly non-affected by such a situation which means they are incapable of having empathy. I will say, lots of people out there are affected by IF. nearly every time we mention to anyone that we did IVF, they respond with...oh my sister, or my brother's wife, etc., someone they know has had trouble getting pg also. so when someone spouts off jibberish that is harsh against these things, they have no idea whom around them they are offending, could very well be plenty of people.

do yourself a favor and learn to let it go, let those people go when necessary. it's your life, your experience, we all have to do what is best for us and our own families, and that best is different for everyone and that is OK, own it.

GL
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Joined: May 15th, 2009, 12:50 am

August 25th, 2012, 6:31 pm #5

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
...about religion, politics, family planning, parenting, etc. And there is NOTHING you can do about it except let contrary opinions and negative/judgemental comments like those slide off your back.

Of course, you could have a little fun and tease your coworker once you are eventually pregnant, if you have that sort of relationship.

I'm 42 and currently pg. My office-neighbor is also 42 and is a divorced mom of an 18 year old daughter. She dates several men and is having fun with her new-found single freedom. I've been happily married for nearly 14 years. We are in different places in our lives despite being the exact same age. She often says that she is never getting married again and is glad that her baby-rearing days are behind her. I always joke that she can borrow one of mine once they arrive if she wants to revisit the experience.

There are all kinds of moms: 16 year old single moms who never intended to be a mom, newly-married 24 year old moms who planned it but may be occasionally overwhelmed with the new found responsibility, 33 year old married moms with great jobs who seem to have planned and timed their lives perfectly, 47 year old first time moms and everything in between. There are advantages and disadvantages to being a mom at each of those life stages but none is superior to another.

Best wishes to you in your TTC journey.
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Violet
Violet

August 25th, 2012, 7:03 pm #6

Beautifully said, Christine.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

August 26th, 2012, 6:50 am #7

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
and anytime anyone mentions my age I just say 'Isn't it amazing?! It's wonderful, isn't it?! We are thrilled!'

Except for close friends, most people (neighbors, etc) don't know I was trying to get pregnant so I go with that.

I actually think at the moment we have it much easier than our younger friends with kids the same age as our child. Our house will be paid for in 2 years, I only work part-time and not at all the first year after a birth. We are happy to stay at home with our kids, while younger friends and relatives struggle to find babysitters so they can go 'out.'

We're OK with our age.

YOU are the one to decide how you want to spend your life. Please don't let others intimidate you.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

August 26th, 2012, 4:47 pm #8

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
Just wait until you're a parent! Everyone will have an opinion on how you approach feeding (bf vs formula), sleeping (co-sleeping vs sleep-training), schooling, whether or not you decide to work - the list is endless. I had my first when I was in my early 30's, and she was a handful as an infant and toddler. She cried a lot, she never slept, she wanted to bf all the time, she was extra sensitive to stimuli. A lot of my peers had newborns too, and I'm sure I was judged for my parenting choices, as well as for the fact that my daughter was the way she was (because someone who is truly a good parent would be able to figure out how to get their child to sleep through the night, right? Riiiiiiight.) It was a very isolating and difficult time, but my husband and I stuck with the parenting choices that made most sense for our child.

Fast forward several years, and my daughter is doing great. I can't take credit for what an amazing kid she is - that's all her. But I can look back and say that I'm very happy we stuck with what we knew about our daughter and what she needed. We are the experts in how our daughter needs to be parented - not other people who don't know her as well as we do.

Similarly, you are the expert regarding what will work for you and your life. People who aren't you or your partner don't get a vote.

For what it's worth, I know a couple of moms who had their kids in their late 40s. They are moms just like everyone else. I would imagine your therapist is right - most people will either not realize your age or if they do, they will not give it a second thought. And if someone does think something - remember that they don't get a vote. To be honest, I'm pretty sure the moms I know used DE, and they were the ones I thought of when I was coming to terms with doing DE myself. It sounds a little crazy, but I sort of saw them as role models. DE clearly worked out well for them, and that gave me courage to go that route myself.
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Zoya2
Zoya2

August 26th, 2012, 4:48 pm #9

That was me - forgot to sign the above post nt
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Joined: November 26th, 2009, 12:27 am

August 28th, 2012, 2:31 am #10

How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?

I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
I am taking your advice and telling myself not to worry about what others say or think. I don't know why people feel obligated to give their input in areas that don't concern them, but I know I can't change them. So, I need to change my reaction to their comments, and not let these people get to me. Thanks everyone!
Last edited by wnpink on August 28th, 2012, 2:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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