OT-very emotional

OT-very emotional

Bharani
Bharani

June 30th, 2011, 10:26 pm #1

OMG I wrote all and it is gone before I posted.

Hello ladies,

The advice I need today is different than before. this July it will be 4 years since I got married. In the first year of my marriage dh talked about his ex- wife several times, and those time he was glorifying her, atitude, beauty, character wise...etc. One time I asked him when was his divorce. He said he doesn't remember. that is fishy for me. But I had another pain so I didn't care less. Last year (to be exact 1.5 years ago) I wanted to know when the divorce happen. I asked him again. He said he doesn't remember and I said I am out. He begged me, and I spoke to his mom. His mom is great woman, but her thinking is old fashion. It is ok, it can happen...blah blah..Finally, he came and begged me and said his next trip he would bring the divorce paper. He never did, it is 1.5 years ago. Last Saturday, in the middle of the night it came to my mind and it happened another time also. So, I asked him again last Saturday. He said oh I don't remember and we moved on... My concern is that how come you don't remember a marriage you had and what is the reason you don't want to say it. He was talking about her, those time. what makes different to say the divorce time. He said finally I remember b/c I checked the divorce paper. That is BS for me. I just feel unease here. And I told him. He said I am over reacting to it. Please know divorce is unspeakable in my culture. so I can't share with my friends ( I don't have friends lately) I will share with my sister later on tonight. Are my questions reasonable or I am what dh said over reacting?

I am sorry. I know this site is for fertility but I really need what other woman would say, how would they react?
Many thanks
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Anonymous
Anonymous

June 30th, 2011, 10:40 pm #2

Divorce records should be a matter of public record (same as marriage records), if you know which county or province it happened, the clerks of the court should be able to help you look it up.

There are so many "dates" when a divorce happens, dates for filing papers, dates for separation, and the whole thing is so unpleasant, I doubt most people remember their actual official divorce date the same way they would remember a happy wedding anniversary.

(Shoot, most men can't even really remember their wedding anniversary)

If it is bothering you, just find out on your own quietly, it is legal to look these things up with a couple phone calls and a trip to the courthouse. Not worth starting a fight with your DH over it (unless no record is ever found), you are going through enough hard times with DE right now to start a new "issue" that is likely nothing.
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anon
anon

June 30th, 2011, 11:13 pm #3

OMG I wrote all and it is gone before I posted.

Hello ladies,

The advice I need today is different than before. this July it will be 4 years since I got married. In the first year of my marriage dh talked about his ex- wife several times, and those time he was glorifying her, atitude, beauty, character wise...etc. One time I asked him when was his divorce. He said he doesn't remember. that is fishy for me. But I had another pain so I didn't care less. Last year (to be exact 1.5 years ago) I wanted to know when the divorce happen. I asked him again. He said he doesn't remember and I said I am out. He begged me, and I spoke to his mom. His mom is great woman, but her thinking is old fashion. It is ok, it can happen...blah blah..Finally, he came and begged me and said his next trip he would bring the divorce paper. He never did, it is 1.5 years ago. Last Saturday, in the middle of the night it came to my mind and it happened another time also. So, I asked him again last Saturday. He said oh I don't remember and we moved on... My concern is that how come you don't remember a marriage you had and what is the reason you don't want to say it. He was talking about her, those time. what makes different to say the divorce time. He said finally I remember b/c I checked the divorce paper. That is BS for me. I just feel unease here. And I told him. He said I am over reacting to it. Please know divorce is unspeakable in my culture. so I can't share with my friends ( I don't have friends lately) I will share with my sister later on tonight. Are my questions reasonable or I am what dh said over reacting?

I am sorry. I know this site is for fertility but I really need what other woman would say, how would they react?
Many thanks
I too think you have a lot on your plate to have a fight brewing, but I understand the nagging feeling and wanting to resolve it.
I agree with the previous poster that there are many dates involved in a divorce (my sister is currently going through one) so it could be just that.
But I have also found when there is something to 'hide' either it is dismissed, you are told you are over reacting or anger is simply used to cover it up. Any time I have found these three issues to arise, there seemed to be something worth clarifying. I think it would be worth your time discussing the subject with your sister.
If you love your husband, and there has been some type of 'oversight' on finalizing a divorce, perhaps you could resolve it together. If it is weighing on his shoulders, he might feel a great release from the whole process. I can't imagine there is something so damaging about it that it couldn't be resolved.
I wish you the best and hope for your concerns to be put to rest.
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

June 30th, 2011, 11:32 pm #4

OMG I wrote all and it is gone before I posted.

Hello ladies,

The advice I need today is different than before. this July it will be 4 years since I got married. In the first year of my marriage dh talked about his ex- wife several times, and those time he was glorifying her, atitude, beauty, character wise...etc. One time I asked him when was his divorce. He said he doesn't remember. that is fishy for me. But I had another pain so I didn't care less. Last year (to be exact 1.5 years ago) I wanted to know when the divorce happen. I asked him again. He said he doesn't remember and I said I am out. He begged me, and I spoke to his mom. His mom is great woman, but her thinking is old fashion. It is ok, it can happen...blah blah..Finally, he came and begged me and said his next trip he would bring the divorce paper. He never did, it is 1.5 years ago. Last Saturday, in the middle of the night it came to my mind and it happened another time also. So, I asked him again last Saturday. He said oh I don't remember and we moved on... My concern is that how come you don't remember a marriage you had and what is the reason you don't want to say it. He was talking about her, those time. what makes different to say the divorce time. He said finally I remember b/c I checked the divorce paper. That is BS for me. I just feel unease here. And I told him. He said I am over reacting to it. Please know divorce is unspeakable in my culture. so I can't share with my friends ( I don't have friends lately) I will share with my sister later on tonight. Are my questions reasonable or I am what dh said over reacting?

I am sorry. I know this site is for fertility but I really need what other woman would say, how would they react?
Many thanks
I agree with the pp about accessing the public records to put your mind at ease. It is a waste of your time and energy if your dh is not invested in finding the info and you have better things to spend your energy on. I think it is a good idea talk to your sister and get some support. ((HUG))
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E&H
E&H

June 30th, 2011, 11:57 pm #5

OMG I wrote all and it is gone before I posted.

Hello ladies,

The advice I need today is different than before. this July it will be 4 years since I got married. In the first year of my marriage dh talked about his ex- wife several times, and those time he was glorifying her, atitude, beauty, character wise...etc. One time I asked him when was his divorce. He said he doesn't remember. that is fishy for me. But I had another pain so I didn't care less. Last year (to be exact 1.5 years ago) I wanted to know when the divorce happen. I asked him again. He said he doesn't remember and I said I am out. He begged me, and I spoke to his mom. His mom is great woman, but her thinking is old fashion. It is ok, it can happen...blah blah..Finally, he came and begged me and said his next trip he would bring the divorce paper. He never did, it is 1.5 years ago. Last Saturday, in the middle of the night it came to my mind and it happened another time also. So, I asked him again last Saturday. He said oh I don't remember and we moved on... My concern is that how come you don't remember a marriage you had and what is the reason you don't want to say it. He was talking about her, those time. what makes different to say the divorce time. He said finally I remember b/c I checked the divorce paper. That is BS for me. I just feel unease here. And I told him. He said I am over reacting to it. Please know divorce is unspeakable in my culture. so I can't share with my friends ( I don't have friends lately) I will share with my sister later on tonight. Are my questions reasonable or I am what dh said over reacting?

I am sorry. I know this site is for fertility but I really need what other woman would say, how would they react?
Many thanks
If you were married in the same country he was married to his ex he must have supplied a decree absolute to enable him to marry again unless of course you were married in a culture and place which allows more than one wife. Here the Malays are allowed 4 wives, even the Chinese often have 2 wives.

As a previous poster said if the marriage took place in the USA there will be a registry where you can find the divorce, in fact you can give your husband's name and they can find the date of his birth, any marriages, any divorces etc etc, if it was not in USA which I suspect is the case you may find you can't find out but there are normally websites for registrar of Births Deaths and Marriages.

A Chinese friend of mine here married a man about 10 years ago who was divorced, her husband wouldn't provide information on the divorce and she did go to the Registrar and found it registered.

FWIW, I can not remember the date of my divorce and I have no idea where the documents are so I would be in a similar situation as your husband if anyone asked me. I honestly do not even know the year but do know if I wanted to find it I could just give my date of birth and name to the registrar in UK and they would give me all the info. I must say that when I remarried I did have to produce a divorce certificate.
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Bharani
Bharani

July 1st, 2011, 12:09 am #6

Divorce records should be a matter of public record (same as marriage records), if you know which county or province it happened, the clerks of the court should be able to help you look it up.

There are so many "dates" when a divorce happens, dates for filing papers, dates for separation, and the whole thing is so unpleasant, I doubt most people remember their actual official divorce date the same way they would remember a happy wedding anniversary.

(Shoot, most men can't even really remember their wedding anniversary)

If it is bothering you, just find out on your own quietly, it is legal to look these things up with a couple phone calls and a trip to the courthouse. Not worth starting a fight with your DH over it (unless no record is ever found), you are going through enough hard times with DE right now to start a new "issue" that is likely nothing.
but how come he doesn't remember it. He talked about the positive although I think there wasn't any positive. Just made up those story to look good himself. The marriage and divorce happen in DC. I am 100% sure they are divorce. She even called his cell phone in summer 2008 when I went to NJ to dr.check to ask something and I answer his phone. The was the first and last time I answer his phone, I answered his phone that day because he left it in the closet of the hotel.
I am wondering alot. And I don't like his defiant.
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Bharani
Bharani

July 1st, 2011, 12:13 am #7

I too think you have a lot on your plate to have a fight brewing, but I understand the nagging feeling and wanting to resolve it.
I agree with the previous poster that there are many dates involved in a divorce (my sister is currently going through one) so it could be just that.
But I have also found when there is something to 'hide' either it is dismissed, you are told you are over reacting or anger is simply used to cover it up. Any time I have found these three issues to arise, there seemed to be something worth clarifying. I think it would be worth your time discussing the subject with your sister.
If you love your husband, and there has been some type of 'oversight' on finalizing a divorce, perhaps you could resolve it together. If it is weighing on his shoulders, he might feel a great release from the whole process. I can't imagine there is something so damaging about it that it couldn't be resolved.
I wish you the best and hope for your concerns to be put to rest.
but why he doesn't just say it. It was this day, that day or around those time was the separation...etc. Why is he pretending he doesn't remember and then say oh now I remember b/c I checked it the paper.
I like to be told things exactly as they are.
I know I am angry. I really appreciate your time, your advice. Thank you
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Bharani
Bharani

July 1st, 2011, 12:13 am #8

I agree with the pp about accessing the public records to put your mind at ease. It is a waste of your time and energy if your dh is not invested in finding the info and you have better things to spend your energy on. I think it is a good idea talk to your sister and get some support. ((HUG))
thank you
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Bharani
Bharani

July 1st, 2011, 12:19 am #9

If you were married in the same country he was married to his ex he must have supplied a decree absolute to enable him to marry again unless of course you were married in a culture and place which allows more than one wife. Here the Malays are allowed 4 wives, even the Chinese often have 2 wives.

As a previous poster said if the marriage took place in the USA there will be a registry where you can find the divorce, in fact you can give your husband's name and they can find the date of his birth, any marriages, any divorces etc etc, if it was not in USA which I suspect is the case you may find you can't find out but there are normally websites for registrar of Births Deaths and Marriages.

A Chinese friend of mine here married a man about 10 years ago who was divorced, her husband wouldn't provide information on the divorce and she did go to the Registrar and found it registered.

FWIW, I can not remember the date of my divorce and I have no idea where the documents are so I would be in a similar situation as your husband if anyone asked me. I honestly do not even know the year but do know if I wanted to find it I could just give my date of birth and name to the registrar in UK and they would give me all the info. I must say that when I remarried I did have to produce a divorce certificate.
His marriage and divorce happened in Washington DC. Marriage happened in Canada.
But E&H, don't you rememeber the year, the season at least approximating? Thank you sweety for sharing your side.
Four wives,omg. That is living in hell!! How do they know who's turn is ?
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Anon7
Anon7

July 1st, 2011, 2:22 am #10

OMG I wrote all and it is gone before I posted.

Hello ladies,

The advice I need today is different than before. this July it will be 4 years since I got married. In the first year of my marriage dh talked about his ex- wife several times, and those time he was glorifying her, atitude, beauty, character wise...etc. One time I asked him when was his divorce. He said he doesn't remember. that is fishy for me. But I had another pain so I didn't care less. Last year (to be exact 1.5 years ago) I wanted to know when the divorce happen. I asked him again. He said he doesn't remember and I said I am out. He begged me, and I spoke to his mom. His mom is great woman, but her thinking is old fashion. It is ok, it can happen...blah blah..Finally, he came and begged me and said his next trip he would bring the divorce paper. He never did, it is 1.5 years ago. Last Saturday, in the middle of the night it came to my mind and it happened another time also. So, I asked him again last Saturday. He said oh I don't remember and we moved on... My concern is that how come you don't remember a marriage you had and what is the reason you don't want to say it. He was talking about her, those time. what makes different to say the divorce time. He said finally I remember b/c I checked the divorce paper. That is BS for me. I just feel unease here. And I told him. He said I am over reacting to it. Please know divorce is unspeakable in my culture. so I can't share with my friends ( I don't have friends lately) I will share with my sister later on tonight. Are my questions reasonable or I am what dh said over reacting?

I am sorry. I know this site is for fertility but I really need what other woman would say, how would they react?
Many thanks
Hi Bharani,

Wow, that is a really tough situation. I guess a couple of thoughts are running through my mind, mainly:

1. IS he divorced?
2. If his ex was so great, why is he divorced? He should not be saying good things about her, In my own humble opinion.

It does seem very fishy. Are you in the U.S.? If so, and if he is as well, then you should be able to find the divorce records. If you are international, I'm not sure how to go about that. I have other questions but don't want to ask you too many personal questions that could make you uncomfortable.

I do know that in some other countries where there are arranged marriages, you are in the dark about a lot and have to make the decision so quickly (I have a friend who is Indian/from India) who was in med school in India (grew up in U.S. and was one of my colleage roomies), who had to decide if she wanted to marry the guys after like 2 dates. The whole family put pressure on it like "If you don't want to marry him, don't go out again". If this is your situation, I can see how this could happen.

I hope others chime in with some insight. You do deserve to get some answers. I'm truly sorry for the pain and frustration you are dealing with. Life is not fair. Hang in there.
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