Old Poster with some questions about potential Egg Donor

Old Poster with some questions about potential Egg Donor

Joined: June 26th, 2007, 7:01 pm

February 1st, 2011, 12:55 pm #1

Hello Ladies..it's been awhile since I've been to this board but I need some advice. My husband and I were planning a possible trip back to the Czech Republic for another try at ED..however, last night a couple that we have become very good friends with over the last few months had us over for dinner and the wife offered us her eggs. She is 38, has 4 kids, the last 2 being twins and they are 3..she's in great health, doesn't smoke or drink..I am beyond words at this act of kindness..it actually floored my husband and myself..no one in our circle of friends or family for that matter, have ever offered anything in our IF journey..

She also told us that she really wanted to be our surrogate as well but her husband told her no because her twin pregnancy was very difficult and she nearly died and they were born premature and there's a huge chance she could have twins again with IVF..which again, I couldn't believe she would even consider this..we've only known them since August.

So I guess, if we consider this, my question is, would an RE even consider her due to her age and should we even consider it..I know everyone says go young and proven and since she has kids she's proven but..she's 38..

Any suggestions or advice?

Thanks!

Charlotte



Charlotte, 44 years old
DH 36 years old

First DE IVF in Zlin 2007..23 year old proven donor transferred 3 "Great" blasts..BFN
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demomone
demomone

February 1st, 2011, 1:58 pm #2

What a kind gesture of your neighbor! I certainly would be tempted but there are things to consider and I would think the first thing for me would be the ED's attachment to the baby only because you live in such close proximity.
About the age, it would not be an issue for me given her history.
Have you considered a shared cycle in a closer clinic than Zlin?
Good luck and it will be interesting to hear the others opinions.
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Joined: February 6th, 2007, 1:08 am

February 1st, 2011, 2:09 pm #3

Hello Ladies..it's been awhile since I've been to this board but I need some advice. My husband and I were planning a possible trip back to the Czech Republic for another try at ED..however, last night a couple that we have become very good friends with over the last few months had us over for dinner and the wife offered us her eggs. She is 38, has 4 kids, the last 2 being twins and they are 3..she's in great health, doesn't smoke or drink..I am beyond words at this act of kindness..it actually floored my husband and myself..no one in our circle of friends or family for that matter, have ever offered anything in our IF journey..

She also told us that she really wanted to be our surrogate as well but her husband told her no because her twin pregnancy was very difficult and she nearly died and they were born premature and there's a huge chance she could have twins again with IVF..which again, I couldn't believe she would even consider this..we've only known them since August.

So I guess, if we consider this, my question is, would an RE even consider her due to her age and should we even consider it..I know everyone says go young and proven and since she has kids she's proven but..she's 38..

Any suggestions or advice?

Thanks!

Charlotte



Charlotte, 44 years old
DH 36 years old

First DE IVF in Zlin 2007..23 year old proven donor transferred 3 "Great" blasts..BFN
I think she is a wonderful candidate. Why not get all her testing done and an antral follicle scan on day 2 of her period to see how many follicles she has so you know what to expect and make your decision based on that. I wouldn't consider a shared cycle as I think at 38 you are probably looking at a lower number of embryos but maybe you could find a clinic nearer than going to zlin or of course if you all want to go on holiday and cycle at the same time, that would be nice too. Whatever you decide, lots of luck coming your way.
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Joined: June 26th, 2007, 7:01 pm

February 1st, 2011, 2:42 pm #4

What a kind gesture of your neighbor! I certainly would be tempted but there are things to consider and I would think the first thing for me would be the ED's attachment to the baby only because you live in such close proximity.
About the age, it would not be an issue for me given her history.
Have you considered a shared cycle in a closer clinic than Zlin?
Good luck and it will be interesting to hear the others opinions.
I agree..but she says she would not feel that way and that it would be our child..she wants to go for psych testing as well but says she won't really need it..she's adamant about just wanting to help us..I don't know..I'm really torn..
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Joined: June 26th, 2007, 7:01 pm

February 1st, 2011, 2:57 pm #5

I think she is a wonderful candidate. Why not get all her testing done and an antral follicle scan on day 2 of her period to see how many follicles she has so you know what to expect and make your decision based on that. I wouldn't consider a shared cycle as I think at 38 you are probably looking at a lower number of embryos but maybe you could find a clinic nearer than going to zlin or of course if you all want to go on holiday and cycle at the same time, that would be nice too. Whatever you decide, lots of luck coming your way.
Thanks for the input..I appreciate it! If we do decide to use her, we will stay local to our town since she has 4 kids..we have one of the best IVF centers in NC in our town so, we will just have to sock away a bit more $$ to stay in the states.
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demomone
demomone

February 1st, 2011, 3:27 pm #6

I agree..but she says she would not feel that way and that it would be our child..she wants to go for psych testing as well but says she won't really need it..she's adamant about just wanting to help us..I don't know..I'm really torn..
She has four kids..she probably loves kids. She may feel differently when she is pg again. I would def. send her for psych testing. Keep in mind, that if you are friends with them, she would be seeing the child often..
It's so tempting to be able to really know the donor and what you would be getting but I would have to really think this one out.
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demomone
demomone

February 1st, 2011, 3:29 pm #7

I think she is a wonderful candidate. Why not get all her testing done and an antral follicle scan on day 2 of her period to see how many follicles she has so you know what to expect and make your decision based on that. I wouldn't consider a shared cycle as I think at 38 you are probably looking at a lower number of embryos but maybe you could find a clinic nearer than going to zlin or of course if you all want to go on holiday and cycle at the same time, that would be nice too. Whatever you decide, lots of luck coming your way.
I meant a shared cycle at a clinic in the States with another donor who was not this woman. Not a shared cycle with a 38 year old..that would make no sense at all.
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Joined: June 26th, 2007, 7:01 pm

February 1st, 2011, 3:45 pm #8

She has four kids..she probably loves kids. She may feel differently when she is pg again. I would def. send her for psych testing. Keep in mind, that if you are friends with them, she would be seeing the child often..
It's so tempting to be able to really know the donor and what you would be getting but I would have to really think this one out.
She isn't going to be pregnant..we have all agree that that would be harmful to her health. She and her husband only wanted 2 kids and were surprised with the twins..they of course love their kids but she says shes not attached to her eggs and if she has them and they can be used to help us then so be it..of course that is what she is saying now..who knows once she visits the DR and finds out what is involved..
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

February 1st, 2011, 5:45 pm #9

Hello Ladies..it's been awhile since I've been to this board but I need some advice. My husband and I were planning a possible trip back to the Czech Republic for another try at ED..however, last night a couple that we have become very good friends with over the last few months had us over for dinner and the wife offered us her eggs. She is 38, has 4 kids, the last 2 being twins and they are 3..she's in great health, doesn't smoke or drink..I am beyond words at this act of kindness..it actually floored my husband and myself..no one in our circle of friends or family for that matter, have ever offered anything in our IF journey..

She also told us that she really wanted to be our surrogate as well but her husband told her no because her twin pregnancy was very difficult and she nearly died and they were born premature and there's a huge chance she could have twins again with IVF..which again, I couldn't believe she would even consider this..we've only known them since August.

So I guess, if we consider this, my question is, would an RE even consider her due to her age and should we even consider it..I know everyone says go young and proven and since she has kids she's proven but..she's 38..

Any suggestions or advice?

Thanks!

Charlotte



Charlotte, 44 years old
DH 36 years old

First DE IVF in Zlin 2007..23 year old proven donor transferred 3 "Great" blasts..BFN
I know it is an incredibly kind gesture however, you have only known these people since August????? That is nowhere near long enough to know their character or their mental stability or anything really. I know that it's easy to develop intense feelings for friends rather quickly as I do that a lot myself, but the bottom line is, you really don't know these people over the long haul, nor have you entered into any kind of similar intense joint venture where you could say you have an idea how they respond under stress, etc. What if it turns out she is more attached to her DNA than she realizes? Honestly, I think few donors really consider this carefully, but in the case of anon donation, the donors are sort of on their own to deal with the aftermath of feelings, if there are any. But a neighbor who is feeling a tug toward your child - ugh! Nightmare. She may have been overcome by a moment of fondness for you and wanted to offer, but hasn't really thought deeply or carefully about what it means to her or her husband or children. Plus, you are neighbors? Oh boy. No way. What if it doesn't go well -- are you going to end up selling your house to get away?

Sorry to sound so dramatic, but you really must consider all these possibilities. The situation is way too close for my taste. I had a good friend also impulsively offer me her eggs and I knew better than to even consider it given her personality. Also, sad to say, but there are many people who love to make offers that they have no intention of actually following through on -- they just like to have a magnanimous moment and pray that you will politely decline. I'm not saying your neighbor is like that, but it is always a possibility when a spontaneous offer comes out like this on such a huge issue. I also don't like that she acted dismissive of therapy -- to me, that says she is rather immature in that she cannot anticipate that she MIGHT have complex feelings about this, and that she is not grasping the hugeness of the offer. Whenever people are too sure of themselves, I get suspicious.

Even though she has been fertile in the past, there is actually a significant difference between ages 35 and 38. A woman's fertility potential dips dramatically every year after age 35. Plus, just because a woman's eggs respond well to ovulation and fertilization the old fashioned way does not mean they are up for the rigors of gonadotropins and the IVF routine. IVF is much harder on eggs than natural conception is.

I know it's very tempting but I just wouldn't do it.

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Piper
Piper

February 1st, 2011, 6:33 pm #10

Hello Ladies..it's been awhile since I've been to this board but I need some advice. My husband and I were planning a possible trip back to the Czech Republic for another try at ED..however, last night a couple that we have become very good friends with over the last few months had us over for dinner and the wife offered us her eggs. She is 38, has 4 kids, the last 2 being twins and they are 3..she's in great health, doesn't smoke or drink..I am beyond words at this act of kindness..it actually floored my husband and myself..no one in our circle of friends or family for that matter, have ever offered anything in our IF journey..

She also told us that she really wanted to be our surrogate as well but her husband told her no because her twin pregnancy was very difficult and she nearly died and they were born premature and there's a huge chance she could have twins again with IVF..which again, I couldn't believe she would even consider this..we've only known them since August.

So I guess, if we consider this, my question is, would an RE even consider her due to her age and should we even consider it..I know everyone says go young and proven and since she has kids she's proven but..she's 38..

Any suggestions or advice?

Thanks!

Charlotte



Charlotte, 44 years old
DH 36 years old

First DE IVF in Zlin 2007..23 year old proven donor transferred 3 "Great" blasts..BFN
OK, first off, she is 38. And that is far too old to be considered for an egg donor. IVF success rates decrease drastically between a 20 something and an over-35.

Secondly, this is someone you really do not know. Are you ready to invest a background check, medical testing, psych consult for her and her dh and pay the attorney fees for your ART attorney and the attorney for this couple? This is not going to save you any money and again, her age makes her a less-than-desirable candidate.

The law in this area is changing rapidly from state to state- this may sound like a wonderful offer, but you really need to step back and ask the very hard questions. This decision will affect yours and your family's life forever.


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