new to DE, but not new to IF (child ment, preg ment)

new to DE, but not new to IF (child ment, preg ment)

Joined: October 14th, 2009, 3:44 am

July 28th, 2011, 5:28 pm #1

Hi, Ladies. I have been on the secondary board and the over 40 board for a while now. After struggling to conceive with OE for two years, our minds and hearts are finally starting to open to DE. But I am still so torn. So.very.torn.

I have moments where I feel so certain that this is the path for us to grow our family and then other moments when I feel like there's just no way I could go through with it. But, at this point, I do realize that if I want to be pregnant again, DE is the only way.

At the moment, if I assume that we can and will do this, my struggle is about open versus anonymous donor. Though we live in the midwest, we go to Cornell, where the donation is anonymous. This is totally fine with us. But....I wonder about taking away the option for any future child to find out more about his or her genetic heritage if we go the anonymous route. I have read a lot of hurtful comments about women who choose anonymous donation and how they are limiting their child's future, and I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share any resources that talk about this issue in a more helpful way or any personal stories that might help illuminate my way here.

I wish you all luck and I hope to join you here as we move along the DE path (however far it takes us!).

Melissa

ME:
40 (41 in three days)
multiple canceled IVF's and failed IUI's
DOR dx in Aug 2009
DS born in June 2008 following medicated IUI (only produced one follicle though....early signs of DOR that went undiagnosed?)

DH:
42 (43 in four days)
low everything
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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

July 28th, 2011, 6:07 pm #2

congrats on making it at least through the decision to use DE. i don't have any great advice or resources for you, but i will tell you that cornell's donor profiles, although anonymous, are pretty thorough. you get details about them physically, as well as their family health history, full genetic workup and notes from the geneticist, and notes from the psychological profile. granted, you can't get in touch with her. but, if it were to be important to you or your child one day, perhaps you could sign up on one of the donor registries and piece together a match based on the profile. it's just a thought.

one piece of advice, or experience from a seasoned DE vet (went through numerous donors before achieving success,) I found that over the years the things that concerned me in the beginning took a back seat to finally having a baby. this is not to say that your concerns aren't legitimate, but i think it's human nature to worry about the unknown. i guess i would just say to take it one day at a time. it sounds to me like you are already set on using cornell (excellent choice) so try to focus on what will happen in the near future (donor selection, cycle matters, logistics, etc.) rather than worry about the what-if's that may not even be warranted in the future.

i wish you all the best and hope you have success the first time around!
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Joined: October 14th, 2009, 3:44 am

July 28th, 2011, 6:53 pm #3

What a sweet and thoughtful response, babycotton. I know from experience that what you're saying is true...we often wonder and worry about the unknown. I appreciate your advice about the donor registries, too. Thanks for that.

I did read one piece about anon versus open that was pro-open, but did say that no matter how our children are conceived and no matter how we raise them, we are always making (or trying to make) the best choices that we can and that our future children may one day disagree with. It's just the price of parenting. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

Thanks for your kindness and good wishes.

Melissa
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samys
samys

July 28th, 2011, 6:53 pm #4

Hi, Ladies. I have been on the secondary board and the over 40 board for a while now. After struggling to conceive with OE for two years, our minds and hearts are finally starting to open to DE. But I am still so torn. So.very.torn.

I have moments where I feel so certain that this is the path for us to grow our family and then other moments when I feel like there's just no way I could go through with it. But, at this point, I do realize that if I want to be pregnant again, DE is the only way.

At the moment, if I assume that we can and will do this, my struggle is about open versus anonymous donor. Though we live in the midwest, we go to Cornell, where the donation is anonymous. This is totally fine with us. But....I wonder about taking away the option for any future child to find out more about his or her genetic heritage if we go the anonymous route. I have read a lot of hurtful comments about women who choose anonymous donation and how they are limiting their child's future, and I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share any resources that talk about this issue in a more helpful way or any personal stories that might help illuminate my way here.

I wish you all luck and I hope to join you here as we move along the DE path (however far it takes us!).

Melissa

ME:
40 (41 in three days)
multiple canceled IVF's and failed IUI's
DOR dx in Aug 2009
DS born in June 2008 following medicated IUI (only produced one follicle though....early signs of DOR that went undiagnosed?)

DH:
42 (43 in four days)
low everything
This was also important to me, and I had to use an agency to find my donor. My legal agreement says my donor has to meet my child once, but in reality there is no way to enforce this. (I do send my donor updates, and she seems like a great girl who would be true to her word, but honestly an actual meeting would be years from now - who knows what the both of us will be doing!)

I actually think many clinic donors would be open to this, but my clinic specificaly wouldn't facilitate it. I know that some clinic donors will register on the donor/sib registry - so you may be able to have contact after all. You could ask your clinic if they have any donors that were open to this. Mine wouldn't even ask the question.

I have to say it was way more expensive to use an agency donor, and if I had to cycle a few times (or if finances were a big issue), I probably would have given up on this requirement.

Its a theoretical concern, you may have a child that isn't interested at all, or you may somehow be able to contact your donor when your child is of age.

Just do the best you can do, I gave up on some other requirements (such as a strong resemblance to myself) when picking a donor.

Whichever way you go, it will be totally fine. Good luck, its kind of scary to think of all the what ifs.
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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

July 28th, 2011, 7:26 pm #5

What a sweet and thoughtful response, babycotton. I know from experience that what you're saying is true...we often wonder and worry about the unknown. I appreciate your advice about the donor registries, too. Thanks for that.

I did read one piece about anon versus open that was pro-open, but did say that no matter how our children are conceived and no matter how we raise them, we are always making (or trying to make) the best choices that we can and that our future children may one day disagree with. It's just the price of parenting. It was a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless.

Thanks for your kindness and good wishes.

Melissa
...it's constant, and we can only do our best!

one more tip about cornell: any prying you try to do beyond what you get on the profile, won't lead to much. they take the anon donation very seriously, and it's for both the recipient and the donor. i wanted to give a card or small gift to our donor, but that was out of the question. the most i could get was i asked if my nurse could pass along a message of thanks, and she said she would.

what you CAN do, and what i always did, was once i got the profile i would call the nurse, the psychologist and the genetic counselor just to get a little more feedback, mostly in the realm of what she looked like. i never cared that she resembled me so much, i just needed a visual in my head... even if the visual was wrong, it just sort of helped me along. i did the whole intake at CCRM (but never cycled there) and they gave me a sample profile. one of the questions the donor needs to fill out is "what famous person do you most resemble?" i found this question to be genius. so sometimes i would ask that question of the nurse or psychologist if i couldn't create my own visual. they seemed to think it was a fun exercise rather than write me off as a wack job. as a result, every time i see jennifer aniston, i think of my donor. haha, just kidding... but i do think of the person they came up with every time i see her in POEPLE magazine or on tv. it's kind of funny because she resembles me as much as jennifer aniston does (um, not at all.)
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anonforthis
anonforthis

July 28th, 2011, 8:13 pm #6

Hi, Ladies. I have been on the secondary board and the over 40 board for a while now. After struggling to conceive with OE for two years, our minds and hearts are finally starting to open to DE. But I am still so torn. So.very.torn.

I have moments where I feel so certain that this is the path for us to grow our family and then other moments when I feel like there's just no way I could go through with it. But, at this point, I do realize that if I want to be pregnant again, DE is the only way.

At the moment, if I assume that we can and will do this, my struggle is about open versus anonymous donor. Though we live in the midwest, we go to Cornell, where the donation is anonymous. This is totally fine with us. But....I wonder about taking away the option for any future child to find out more about his or her genetic heritage if we go the anonymous route. I have read a lot of hurtful comments about women who choose anonymous donation and how they are limiting their child's future, and I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share any resources that talk about this issue in a more helpful way or any personal stories that might help illuminate my way here.

I wish you all luck and I hope to join you here as we move along the DE path (however far it takes us!).

Melissa

ME:
40 (41 in three days)
multiple canceled IVF's and failed IUI's
DOR dx in Aug 2009
DS born in June 2008 following medicated IUI (only produced one follicle though....early signs of DOR that went undiagnosed?)

DH:
42 (43 in four days)
low everything
There's really no reason now that you're moving on to DE not to consider all the best clinics out there. And for DE, Cornell is really pretty mediocre.
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Joined: October 14th, 2009, 3:44 am

July 28th, 2011, 8:37 pm #7

Though I'm inclined to. There's just not a clinic nearby us that we feel good about. Even the closest ones require travel. And call it laziness or inertia, but after having found a clinic that I really like (after 4 local ones that I didn't), it's hard for me/us to think about starting all over again. Though I imagine if this issue becomes even more important to us we may be out there looking again! I just seem to be the kind of person that always wants to be going forward and not sideways (once I make up my mind, that is :>). As I say, we are still getting our feet wet. Time will tell.

As for the mediocre comment....I'm sure you can understand that we are both hypersensitive about everything right now. And it's important for me to feel good about and trust my team of doctors and nurses, which I do at this point. Do you have any specific data or information or personal experience about Cornell that makes you say that they are mediocre? Is it just stats? Other stuff? I really appreciate feedback that is helpful and constructive. Which clinics do you think are the best ones out there for DE?

Melissa
Last edited by mbb70 on July 28th, 2011, 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: October 14th, 2009, 3:44 am

July 28th, 2011, 8:38 pm #8

This was also important to me, and I had to use an agency to find my donor. My legal agreement says my donor has to meet my child once, but in reality there is no way to enforce this. (I do send my donor updates, and she seems like a great girl who would be true to her word, but honestly an actual meeting would be years from now - who knows what the both of us will be doing!)

I actually think many clinic donors would be open to this, but my clinic specificaly wouldn't facilitate it. I know that some clinic donors will register on the donor/sib registry - so you may be able to have contact after all. You could ask your clinic if they have any donors that were open to this. Mine wouldn't even ask the question.

I have to say it was way more expensive to use an agency donor, and if I had to cycle a few times (or if finances were a big issue), I probably would have given up on this requirement.

Its a theoretical concern, you may have a child that isn't interested at all, or you may somehow be able to contact your donor when your child is of age.

Just do the best you can do, I gave up on some other requirements (such as a strong resemblance to myself) when picking a donor.

Whichever way you go, it will be totally fine. Good luck, its kind of scary to think of all the what ifs.
Thanks for your kind message. Yes, it is scary. And I do want to get on with things. But I don't want to be rash. But I don't want to over-worry or over-analyze either (good luck with that, says the universe). Thanks for sharing your experience and your perspective.

Melissa
Last edited by mbb70 on July 28th, 2011, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

July 28th, 2011, 8:52 pm #9

Though I'm inclined to. There's just not a clinic nearby us that we feel good about. Even the closest ones require travel. And call it laziness or inertia, but after having found a clinic that I really like (after 4 local ones that I didn't), it's hard for me/us to think about starting all over again. Though I imagine if this issue becomes even more important to us we may be out there looking again! I just seem to be the kind of person that always wants to be going forward and not sideways (once I make up my mind, that is :>). As I say, we are still getting our feet wet. Time will tell.

As for the mediocre comment....I'm sure you can understand that we are both hypersensitive about everything right now. And it's important for me to feel good about and trust my team of doctors and nurses, which I do at this point. Do you have any specific data or information or personal experience about Cornell that makes you say that they are mediocre? Is it just stats? Other stuff? I really appreciate feedback that is helpful and constructive. Which clinics do you think are the best ones out there for DE?

Melissa
Cornell has an excellent DE program and one of the best labs in the country. their stats may be lower than, say, CCRM, because they will accept older donors who are relatives and, in general, cornell is known for taking difficult cases. take it from me, one of their most difficult cases! the DE team is excellent, the nurses are amazing. they are totally buttoned up and reliable. i have only good things to say about them. i'd be curious what anon is basing her comment on and whether she has cycled there.
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anonforthis
anonforthis

July 28th, 2011, 10:02 pm #10

Though I'm inclined to. There's just not a clinic nearby us that we feel good about. Even the closest ones require travel. And call it laziness or inertia, but after having found a clinic that I really like (after 4 local ones that I didn't), it's hard for me/us to think about starting all over again. Though I imagine if this issue becomes even more important to us we may be out there looking again! I just seem to be the kind of person that always wants to be going forward and not sideways (once I make up my mind, that is :>). As I say, we are still getting our feet wet. Time will tell.

As for the mediocre comment....I'm sure you can understand that we are both hypersensitive about everything right now. And it's important for me to feel good about and trust my team of doctors and nurses, which I do at this point. Do you have any specific data or information or personal experience about Cornell that makes you say that they are mediocre? Is it just stats? Other stuff? I really appreciate feedback that is helpful and constructive. Which clinics do you think are the best ones out there for DE?

Melissa
Their current stats are just in the 50s (they've been trending up at least). There are some clinics in the 80s. Huge difference.

And they have a long wait for donors and don't give you much choice, correct?

I just think there are much better clinics out there, who really have the DE thing down.

SFDC, ORM for two. RBA for vitrified eggs. Shady Grove for their guarantee.

You're likely to have to travel, but I would at least consider other options.
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