My husband left me! (OE child ment)

My husband left me! (OE child ment)

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

August 17th, 2012, 11:28 pm #1

Hi guys,

I know it has been a really long time. I haven't been away, just lurking for a few months now while I dealt with the shock of needing DE for my second child.

I thought that I was finally coming to terms with everything and then out of the blue, three weeks ago, my husband left me. He told me yesterday during a very deep discussion that part of the reason he left is because he doesn't want to do DE, but that he does want more children. I don't think I need to tell you how this makes me feel as I know it would be a blow to any woman in our situation. What I can tell you is that I am a complete wreck and am struggling to function at all. If it wasn't for my DD. who is 4, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

We found out in January that we would need DE and other than telling me initially that he wants more children, he wouldn't discuss it and he never came with me to any of the counselling appointments with the fertility counselor. He has never been one to express his feelings much, hence the fact that it was completely out of the bue. I had no idea that he was unhappy. We don't fight, we tell each other that we love each other many times a day and he calls me two or three times from work every day just to tell me. I find it hard to believe that he was faking that. He has stated other reasons he left, but they are things that are easily dealt with if he would just try.

Some of these reasons are;
He says we are more like roommates at the moment (we do need to make more of an effort to reconnect as he is a shift worker - a cop)
He says we don't have enough in common (ths is totally untrue, he just doesn't seem to tnk we do, but we have heaps in common)
He doesn't like that I won't work full time (we agreed to giving DD a full time parent, but I am prepared to go back to work during school hours once she is 5 and in school) this is something I feel very strongly about though and we can afford to do this.
He misses sex (I am peri menopausal, so this is something I need to work on as I know all men need sex)
He can't deal with his guilt over his cheating 5 years ago (I have completely moved on from this and trust him implicitly, but he doesn't deal with emotions well, particularly guilt)

I believe that marriage is a promise to always work on your relationship, even when you don't really want to. I am prepared to try, but other than agreeing to counselling (which took some real pushing), I don't think he is really prepared to try at all. He simply doesn't want to.

We are both relatively young (I'm 35, he's 32) and he seems to have some very warped ideas of what marriage is. He thinks it is all passion, all the time and refuses to accept that sometimes it is simply companionship and that the passion comes in waves.

Am I kidding myself that I can get him back? If anyone has been through this, particularly with DE being such a deal breaker, please help. Hard truths are just as welcome as encouragement. I need help!
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Denise
Denise

August 17th, 2012, 11:43 pm #2

So very sorry I think the most important think right now is to re-enter the work force and place your DD in a good pre-school with extended care. Then keep your eyes and ears open for whatever is next. Be a strong woman and put one foot in front of the other..
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Dee
Dee

August 18th, 2012, 1:25 am #3

Hi guys,

I know it has been a really long time. I haven't been away, just lurking for a few months now while I dealt with the shock of needing DE for my second child.

I thought that I was finally coming to terms with everything and then out of the blue, three weeks ago, my husband left me. He told me yesterday during a very deep discussion that part of the reason he left is because he doesn't want to do DE, but that he does want more children. I don't think I need to tell you how this makes me feel as I know it would be a blow to any woman in our situation. What I can tell you is that I am a complete wreck and am struggling to function at all. If it wasn't for my DD. who is 4, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

We found out in January that we would need DE and other than telling me initially that he wants more children, he wouldn't discuss it and he never came with me to any of the counselling appointments with the fertility counselor. He has never been one to express his feelings much, hence the fact that it was completely out of the bue. I had no idea that he was unhappy. We don't fight, we tell each other that we love each other many times a day and he calls me two or three times from work every day just to tell me. I find it hard to believe that he was faking that. He has stated other reasons he left, but they are things that are easily dealt with if he would just try.

Some of these reasons are;
He says we are more like roommates at the moment (we do need to make more of an effort to reconnect as he is a shift worker - a cop)
He says we don't have enough in common (ths is totally untrue, he just doesn't seem to tnk we do, but we have heaps in common)
He doesn't like that I won't work full time (we agreed to giving DD a full time parent, but I am prepared to go back to work during school hours once she is 5 and in school) this is something I feel very strongly about though and we can afford to do this.
He misses sex (I am peri menopausal, so this is something I need to work on as I know all men need sex)
He can't deal with his guilt over his cheating 5 years ago (I have completely moved on from this and trust him implicitly, but he doesn't deal with emotions well, particularly guilt)

I believe that marriage is a promise to always work on your relationship, even when you don't really want to. I am prepared to try, but other than agreeing to counselling (which took some real pushing), I don't think he is really prepared to try at all. He simply doesn't want to.

We are both relatively young (I'm 35, he's 32) and he seems to have some very warped ideas of what marriage is. He thinks it is all passion, all the time and refuses to accept that sometimes it is simply companionship and that the passion comes in waves.

Am I kidding myself that I can get him back? If anyone has been through this, particularly with DE being such a deal breaker, please help. Hard truths are just as welcome as encouragement. I need help!
Sorry to hear, have been in marriage counseling recently myself. Some of it had to do with infertility issues, and also like your husband, he thinks a marriage should be all about passion. But a marriage is a companionship. I've done a lot of soul searching, and I honestly don't believe a marriage can be based solely on sex, as he seems to think.

I hope you & your husband can work something out, if you want to; it seems that if two people still love each other, they can work it out.
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anon for this
anon for this

August 18th, 2012, 3:25 am #4

Hi guys,

I know it has been a really long time. I haven't been away, just lurking for a few months now while I dealt with the shock of needing DE for my second child.

I thought that I was finally coming to terms with everything and then out of the blue, three weeks ago, my husband left me. He told me yesterday during a very deep discussion that part of the reason he left is because he doesn't want to do DE, but that he does want more children. I don't think I need to tell you how this makes me feel as I know it would be a blow to any woman in our situation. What I can tell you is that I am a complete wreck and am struggling to function at all. If it wasn't for my DD. who is 4, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

We found out in January that we would need DE and other than telling me initially that he wants more children, he wouldn't discuss it and he never came with me to any of the counselling appointments with the fertility counselor. He has never been one to express his feelings much, hence the fact that it was completely out of the bue. I had no idea that he was unhappy. We don't fight, we tell each other that we love each other many times a day and he calls me two or three times from work every day just to tell me. I find it hard to believe that he was faking that. He has stated other reasons he left, but they are things that are easily dealt with if he would just try.

Some of these reasons are;
He says we are more like roommates at the moment (we do need to make more of an effort to reconnect as he is a shift worker - a cop)
He says we don't have enough in common (ths is totally untrue, he just doesn't seem to tnk we do, but we have heaps in common)
He doesn't like that I won't work full time (we agreed to giving DD a full time parent, but I am prepared to go back to work during school hours once she is 5 and in school) this is something I feel very strongly about though and we can afford to do this.
He misses sex (I am peri menopausal, so this is something I need to work on as I know all men need sex)
He can't deal with his guilt over his cheating 5 years ago (I have completely moved on from this and trust him implicitly, but he doesn't deal with emotions well, particularly guilt)

I believe that marriage is a promise to always work on your relationship, even when you don't really want to. I am prepared to try, but other than agreeing to counselling (which took some real pushing), I don't think he is really prepared to try at all. He simply doesn't want to.

We are both relatively young (I'm 35, he's 32) and he seems to have some very warped ideas of what marriage is. He thinks it is all passion, all the time and refuses to accept that sometimes it is simply companionship and that the passion comes in waves.

Am I kidding myself that I can get him back? If anyone has been through this, particularly with DE being such a deal breaker, please help. Hard truths are just as welcome as encouragement. I need help!
and I went through something similar to you about 6 years ago - in my case, my then DH withdrew suddenly and was not truly looking to fix things , although he went through the motions and it took him several months in the end to leave. After months of racking my brain and analysing our relationship and him and his behavior, someone finally said to me very bluntly "is he seeing somebody?" and, suddenly, his criticisms, behavior towards me finally started to make sense. It was so hard to hear at the time, but in the end I was so grateful for someone being blunt with me, because this is what was going on. So I will be blunt here, in the hopes this may help you - do you think he could possibly be seeing somebody or have someone possibly in the wings? there is something about his comments about lack of sex, being roommates, wanting you to work full-time, his guilt about past infidelity and perhaps his desire for escapism from your IF situation, makes me think this might be the case. I truly hope I am wrong and that you can get things back on track if this is what you want in the end. But I wanted to put this at least out there, in case it helps you to assess the situation. I truly know how hard it is to be in this boat. Sending you hugs and hope my post does not cause upset.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

August 18th, 2012, 8:31 pm #5

Hi guys,

I know it has been a really long time. I haven't been away, just lurking for a few months now while I dealt with the shock of needing DE for my second child.

I thought that I was finally coming to terms with everything and then out of the blue, three weeks ago, my husband left me. He told me yesterday during a very deep discussion that part of the reason he left is because he doesn't want to do DE, but that he does want more children. I don't think I need to tell you how this makes me feel as I know it would be a blow to any woman in our situation. What I can tell you is that I am a complete wreck and am struggling to function at all. If it wasn't for my DD. who is 4, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

We found out in January that we would need DE and other than telling me initially that he wants more children, he wouldn't discuss it and he never came with me to any of the counselling appointments with the fertility counselor. He has never been one to express his feelings much, hence the fact that it was completely out of the bue. I had no idea that he was unhappy. We don't fight, we tell each other that we love each other many times a day and he calls me two or three times from work every day just to tell me. I find it hard to believe that he was faking that. He has stated other reasons he left, but they are things that are easily dealt with if he would just try.

Some of these reasons are;
He says we are more like roommates at the moment (we do need to make more of an effort to reconnect as he is a shift worker - a cop)
He says we don't have enough in common (ths is totally untrue, he just doesn't seem to tnk we do, but we have heaps in common)
He doesn't like that I won't work full time (we agreed to giving DD a full time parent, but I am prepared to go back to work during school hours once she is 5 and in school) this is something I feel very strongly about though and we can afford to do this.
He misses sex (I am peri menopausal, so this is something I need to work on as I know all men need sex)
He can't deal with his guilt over his cheating 5 years ago (I have completely moved on from this and trust him implicitly, but he doesn't deal with emotions well, particularly guilt)

I believe that marriage is a promise to always work on your relationship, even when you don't really want to. I am prepared to try, but other than agreeing to counselling (which took some real pushing), I don't think he is really prepared to try at all. He simply doesn't want to.

We are both relatively young (I'm 35, he's 32) and he seems to have some very warped ideas of what marriage is. He thinks it is all passion, all the time and refuses to accept that sometimes it is simply companionship and that the passion comes in waves.

Am I kidding myself that I can get him back? If anyone has been through this, particularly with DE being such a deal breaker, please help. Hard truths are just as welcome as encouragement. I need help!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been through a divorce myself, though it was not DE-related. I think the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your child. That includes finding a good therapist if you don't have one already. Maybe your DH will be willing to go with you, but if not, go alone (as Dear Abby says).
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havefaith
havefaith

August 19th, 2012, 2:33 am #6

Hi guys,

I know it has been a really long time. I haven't been away, just lurking for a few months now while I dealt with the shock of needing DE for my second child.

I thought that I was finally coming to terms with everything and then out of the blue, three weeks ago, my husband left me. He told me yesterday during a very deep discussion that part of the reason he left is because he doesn't want to do DE, but that he does want more children. I don't think I need to tell you how this makes me feel as I know it would be a blow to any woman in our situation. What I can tell you is that I am a complete wreck and am struggling to function at all. If it wasn't for my DD. who is 4, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed.

We found out in January that we would need DE and other than telling me initially that he wants more children, he wouldn't discuss it and he never came with me to any of the counselling appointments with the fertility counselor. He has never been one to express his feelings much, hence the fact that it was completely out of the bue. I had no idea that he was unhappy. We don't fight, we tell each other that we love each other many times a day and he calls me two or three times from work every day just to tell me. I find it hard to believe that he was faking that. He has stated other reasons he left, but they are things that are easily dealt with if he would just try.

Some of these reasons are;
He says we are more like roommates at the moment (we do need to make more of an effort to reconnect as he is a shift worker - a cop)
He says we don't have enough in common (ths is totally untrue, he just doesn't seem to tnk we do, but we have heaps in common)
He doesn't like that I won't work full time (we agreed to giving DD a full time parent, but I am prepared to go back to work during school hours once she is 5 and in school) this is something I feel very strongly about though and we can afford to do this.
He misses sex (I am peri menopausal, so this is something I need to work on as I know all men need sex)
He can't deal with his guilt over his cheating 5 years ago (I have completely moved on from this and trust him implicitly, but he doesn't deal with emotions well, particularly guilt)

I believe that marriage is a promise to always work on your relationship, even when you don't really want to. I am prepared to try, but other than agreeing to counselling (which took some real pushing), I don't think he is really prepared to try at all. He simply doesn't want to.

We are both relatively young (I'm 35, he's 32) and he seems to have some very warped ideas of what marriage is. He thinks it is all passion, all the time and refuses to accept that sometimes it is simply companionship and that the passion comes in waves.

Am I kidding myself that I can get him back? If anyone has been through this, particularly with DE being such a deal breaker, please help. Hard truths are just as welcome as encouragement. I need help!
i am so sorry ... i went through a very similar situation several years ago... i understand the horrible pain hold on tight to your daughter right now... my prayers are with you...
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

August 19th, 2012, 8:00 am #7

So very sorry I think the most important think right now is to re-enter the work force and place your DD in a good pre-school with extended care. Then keep your eyes and ears open for whatever is next. Be a strong woman and put one foot in front of the other..
I live in New Zealand and there are government support benefits available for solo mothers which I will be using. I feel very strongly that DD deserves a full time parent and this is probably the one thing that I am not prepared to change to save my marriage. I hate that I need this benefit, but it is what is best for my daughter. Not to mention the fact that it is traumatic enough for her without being put into full time care. I appreciate the advice though.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

August 19th, 2012, 8:02 am #8

Sorry to hear, have been in marriage counseling recently myself. Some of it had to do with infertility issues, and also like your husband, he thinks a marriage should be all about passion. But a marriage is a companionship. I've done a lot of soul searching, and I honestly don't believe a marriage can be based solely on sex, as he seems to think.

I hope you & your husband can work something out, if you want to; it seems that if two people still love each other, they can work it out.
It's such a major issue for a marriage to face. I'm sorry to hear that you have had to use counseling too. Has it helped you? We're you both willing to work to heal any issues?
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

August 19th, 2012, 8:06 am #9

and I went through something similar to you about 6 years ago - in my case, my then DH withdrew suddenly and was not truly looking to fix things , although he went through the motions and it took him several months in the end to leave. After months of racking my brain and analysing our relationship and him and his behavior, someone finally said to me very bluntly "is he seeing somebody?" and, suddenly, his criticisms, behavior towards me finally started to make sense. It was so hard to hear at the time, but in the end I was so grateful for someone being blunt with me, because this is what was going on. So I will be blunt here, in the hopes this may help you - do you think he could possibly be seeing somebody or have someone possibly in the wings? there is something about his comments about lack of sex, being roommates, wanting you to work full-time, his guilt about past infidelity and perhaps his desire for escapism from your IF situation, makes me think this might be the case. I truly hope I am wrong and that you can get things back on track if this is what you want in the end. But I wanted to put this at least out there, in case it helps you to assess the situation. I truly know how hard it is to be in this boat. Sending you hugs and hope my post does not cause upset.
He assures me that he's not seeing anyone else and at this stage I do believe him, but I will always have this in the back of my mind. He's not wearing s ring though, so who knows right? Don't worry, you didn't upset me. They say the wounds from a friend can be trusted and I consider the women on this board to be my friends.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

August 19th, 2012, 8:08 am #10

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been through a divorce myself, though it was not DE-related. I think the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your child. That includes finding a good therapist if you don't have one already. Maybe your DH will be willing to go with you, but if not, go alone (as Dear Abby says).
I will definitely see a counselor and hopefully with my husband. I'll keep you posted!
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