Mom's funeral and "Memorial" (long, sorry)

Mom's funeral and "Memorial" (long, sorry)

Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

June 11th, 2012, 8:45 pm #1

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

June 11th, 2012, 9:12 pm #2

That is so wonderful all the students and teachers were able to attend the service. I can just imagine all those kids lined up. I really like the formality of a Catholic service with the structure and rituals. It sounds just perfect and so respectful towards you mom. I'm glad to hear so many were there for you.

Oh your DH is being a big butthead. It's really unacceptable that he would behave that way. If you lived closer I would have gone to your Mom's memorial and I wish I could have. Try not to let his behavior get you down right now. Think of how lucky your mom was to have such a beautiful passing among family and the outpouring of support at her memorial service. And you were able to frequently spend time with her and she felt your love. Try to just focus on yourself and the kids right now and ignore any negative comments he may have.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

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Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 7:15 am

June 11th, 2012, 11:22 pm #3

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
The service sounds like it was perfect and really spoke to your heart in such a beautiful way!

Isn't it sweet how our children connect with us and how simple words and actions from them can soothe us. In your dd's way she was trying to make sure mommy was all right.

I also think the students' gestures were so thoughtful and must have meant a lot to you too.

As for your dh, I know his disconnected attitude must have hurt. It would have hurt e too. I know you weren't expecting a supportive gesture to solve your marital problems but it would have gone a long way to saying that regardless in what season your relationship is that you can count on him for the big things. I so wish he had risen to the challenge.

Take care of yourself and know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

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Joined: March 31st, 2008, 2:24 pm

June 11th, 2012, 11:34 pm #4

what a beautiful service for your Mother, you are truely a wonderful daughter to make that happen for her.I am sure she is smileing at you from up above in knowing how much you love her. As for DH....well my Mama always said if I have nothing good to say don't say anything. You deserve so much better,someone who will love you until your final days more than anything else.
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Joined: June 28th, 2008, 7:01 pm

June 11th, 2012, 11:37 pm #5

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
It sounds as if your school did a wonderful job of helping you say good bye to your mom. I am so sorry that your DH didn't step up to the plate in your time of need. I think you are wise to just concentrate on saying your farewells to your mom and dealing with your grief before bringing it up. Give yourself this time to focus on you and your grief. Don't let him intrude on that.

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Joined: November 10th, 2004, 4:12 am

June 11th, 2012, 11:50 pm #6

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
you can tell a lot about how a person lived her life by the outpouring you clearly had. What a wonderful tribute to your dear mother. I know you were upset b/c you weren't there when she passed but, truly, you were there for her last "real" moments and you came through (along with a lot of others) in paying tribute to her.

Your DH sounds like he does have issues. I am impressed that you are level headed enough at a time like this to know you need to keep that one under advisement for the time being. I'm SO sorry he wasn't there for you. Sure men grieve and support their spouses in their grief differently than most women; however, there's different and there's not at all. Emotional support should come first -- if his heart is truly in it and he's feeling the empathy any spouse should, it shows. I am SO sorry this is yet another thing you might have to deal with. Again, I think you are SO wise to put it on the back burner for now and let yourself heal a bit.

You and your lovely mother are in my prayers.

Hugs,

sas
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

June 12th, 2012, 1:04 am #7

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
I loved reading about the amazing tribute that flowed towards your Mum's passing; through you and you alone, cos your Mum didn't know your school community. So really this is full credit to you my dear. You must have touched a lot of lives very deeply in the short time you have been there; so do take that in wont you?
As for your DH, if he's not there, he's not there. And as far as I'm concerned the first requirement of being married is showing up, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.
It sucks that you didn't get the support you deserved from him at this crucial time, but if he couldn't do it, it's his failing, not yours. I hope you guys can get the help you need before too much more damage is done.
My heart is with you in this time of grief.
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Joined: April 10th, 2008, 1:25 am

June 12th, 2012, 1:31 am #8

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
The local church in Georgia whom I did not know until I placed a call to them from Virginia and explained my father had never found a church in Georgia took great care of us. It was so important for me to have a Catholic service for his funeral I was beyond grief thinking it would not happen. The priest I met over the phone went to the Hospice Hospital and gave my father his last rites the morning before he died. There love and caring will never be forgotten the Catholic Church has this sense of Charity that becomes so evident when there is no one else to call. They go beyond the needs of the people that need them.

What you describe for your mom is beautiful, I love the fact your friends gather with you to have a memorial on Saturday with you. Friends are invaluable.

Regarding DH you know who he is now, and for what ever reason this is the man you have to deal with now. I pray you can mentally distance yourself and take your time and grief as you can with your friends and any family you may have that can support you. When you gain your strength deal with him appropriately so that you don't have to go through this heart ache and longing any longer. Either you accept the man he is now or let him know you cant and take it from there. I don't mean to be harsh, but you hurt so bad and many of us woman so understand needing a man by our side in times like this. Please take the time to embrace your memories of your parents. I know you did alot by yourself to make sure they had a proper resting place. I know it was hard but by the Grace of God you were able to do it and for that I am grateful.

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Joined: February 24th, 2004, 6:44 pm

June 12th, 2012, 2:21 am #9

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
You have some amazing co-workers. And your DH does need to get his act together, you deserve more than that. It's also so unfortunate that your DD's milestone is occurring at just the same time as these other big events in your life. My heart goes out to you sweetie ((hugs))

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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

June 12th, 2012, 5:49 am #10

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.
HI Renata,
I"m going to concentrate on your mom's service.
How wonderful for you to have all your friends, family and the school to celebrate your mom's life and to offer you such tremendous support.
You remember that day with pride knowing how many people love you and your mom.
I am so glad you were surrounded by strength, best to you Renata. I"ve been thinking of you everyday knowing you would be making arrangements.
There are many religions I know and each to their own... but I do like to think 'there are many rooms in my father's house...' and your mom is in one of them now being well taken care of
best, THK
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