Let us talk about bding - argument with DH last night!

Let us talk about bding - argument with DH last night!

Joined: December 8th, 2006, 11:41 pm

September 12th, 2011, 11:36 am #1

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

September 12th, 2011, 2:38 pm #2

sex when we are pg. Honestly, that makes it hard to get back on track when we not pg. All the planning and charting, everything else you have had to do, certainly does take the joy out of it.

Since I am home on bed rest, I caught Dr. Oz the other day. It was about a couple that had lost the "fire" in their relationship. They talked about how to get it back one step at a time. One of the things they had them do, was to spend 1 hour together naked, just talking and being close to each other, but not kissing to touching in a sexual way. They could hug and cuddle, but they were just to take the time to talk and be close. There were several steps, but this is the one I remember.

At this point, the physical relationship needs to be rebuilt slowly. There are two books out (old) "Light Her Fire" for him and "Light His Fire" for you. You can pick up used copies for $3 or less and I think they are $7.99 new. Get the books. Have a heart to heart talk with your Dh and tell give him the book as a gift. Wrap one up for yourself and tell him you will be doing your own reading to "Light His Fire" but he will have to be loving and patient and the payoff will be worth it.


Just some suggestions. It is very easy to lose passion, when trying to conceive. The good news is that you can get it back and it can be better than ever.
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Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

September 12th, 2011, 3:22 pm #3

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
We had this problem, and while we are back on track (though I am sure he wants more), its mostly because I work really hard to keep open and loving even if I do not feel in the mood, as I know how important it is for us both.

But your charting comment made me laugh! I remember when we were still working with OE and between cycles still trying, and he would complain, and I could show a calendar of when we had sex...ha ha! This is so unromantic is cracks me up!

Sorry you are going through this. It's hard when it gets adversarial. But it really does good for the relationship (and you) to keep it up. It's their way of connecting with you more than anything else.

BTW, bcp is a mixed bag. For me, it tends to solve the dryness problem and eases the psychological ttc part, but it does kill sex drive. I have been on it since March, waiting for my long awaited cycle and donor to be set. Ugh.
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Maggie
Maggie

September 12th, 2011, 5:07 pm #4

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
I can totally relate about the effect that all the charting/tracking while ttc can have on your s*x life. I got to the point that there was not much joy or even closeness in it. DH was doing some reading for work and he read "How to fix a marriage without talking about it" or a title similar to that, I can't remember exactly. One thing that book suggested was that if one partner asks for s*x, the other partner can say how they have s*x. I really liked that. I still have some control but I'm also being thoughtful of his needs and respecting his desire for me/our relationship, not just shutting him down. If I don't want to have intercourse, I can choose some other way so he gets what he wants but I don't have to do something that I don't want.

Hope this helps. Those kind of arguments are the pits.

Maggie
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

September 12th, 2011, 5:22 pm #5

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
First, one thing I've learned over years of dealing with depression (not necessarily about IF) is that there is a real value to maintaining physical intimacy with your partner. If you loved your husband enough to marry him, that's still inside you, but it sounds as though you've gotten almost phobic about sex from your experiences ttc, and that I understand, not with relation to sex, but lots of little things that trigger the sadness from those days. For example, there's a restaurant we used to eat at where I had an emotional breakdown watching all the kids around me, and I'm not sure I could go there again, even with my kids.

So, I'm going to suggest extending yourself and maybe even approaching him about sex. It's the "act as if" principle. Focus on reconnecting with him. IMHO the risk you take if you don't overcome this is that it will snowball and hurt your marriage further, and you have a child, and being estranged from your husband can only add to the pain of your current struggle to get pg.

Sorry this is hard for you, and wishing you well!

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
Last edited by maggie1961 on September 12th, 2011, 6:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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LizLA
LizLA

September 12th, 2011, 5:53 pm #6

sex should be helpful...that if you still like your partner.

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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

September 12th, 2011, 6:16 pm #7

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
I'm in a similar boat here and have decided that I need to get some hormonal help. Part of it is that DH and I are not in a good place in our marriage, part of it is sheer exhaustion plus no time because of the kids, but part of it is that I simply have NO desire. And I mean NO desire. I think that is hormonal. I can be standing next to the most gorgeous man and feel absolutely nothing. Not even an urge to be a little flirtatious. Not even a thought of having fantasy or anything. I bought something at a fair yesterday from a super handsome and sexy guy who put his hand on my thigh briefly when helping me with the product. My brain was like, "Wow. He is so damn attractive" but my body felt zilch. How absolutely depressing. I mean, I'm 45 but I'm not dead yet.

In my experience it is the RARE man who will actually be able to have a sane conversation about sex and find solutions. Maybe you're married to one of the good ones. And maybe you're one of the women that feels ok psychologically "giving in" because it's worth it in some other way (makes him happy, which makes you happy, whatever). I just have a strong reaction to women giving in to sex because their husbands want and need it. And sadly, I am one of those women because if I didn't we would never have any intimacy as I have no desire at all. For me, it hasn't helped bring us closer one little bit. I'm resentful that he has sexual feelings and I don't but I'm doing it anyway. Makes me feel like a, well, you know...I won't say the word. But not everyone feels this way so you'll have to figure out what you're comfortable with. For you it could enhance your marriage and bring you closer.

Someone posted on the pink board last week that if George Clooney was standing naked in her bedroom she'd tell him to put some clothes on and get some bottles to feed the babies. Funny as I often give myself the "George Clooney test" and I can tell you that not even naked George Clooney holding a bottle of my favorite wine and a bouquet of flowers would do it for me. I'd kick him out and grab my favorite book if I had time to read.

So what I'm saying is that if your hormones are off, they're off. With all of the cycling and years of ttc and being on bcp, I'm pretty sure things aren't balanced for you. For me at this point, it's age for sure. I was on bcp's for years when young and had a strong sex drive, but everyone responds differently. So give yourself your equivalent of my "George Clooney test" and see what comes up for you. If you're like, "Nah. I'd much rather read a book or do just about anything instead of being intimate with you", then my guess is it's hormones vs. anything else.

And, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
Last edited by doglvr on September 12th, 2011, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

September 13th, 2011, 3:52 am #8

First, one thing I've learned over years of dealing with depression (not necessarily about IF) is that there is a real value to maintaining physical intimacy with your partner. If you loved your husband enough to marry him, that's still inside you, but it sounds as though you've gotten almost phobic about sex from your experiences ttc, and that I understand, not with relation to sex, but lots of little things that trigger the sadness from those days. For example, there's a restaurant we used to eat at where I had an emotional breakdown watching all the kids around me, and I'm not sure I could go there again, even with my kids.

So, I'm going to suggest extending yourself and maybe even approaching him about sex. It's the "act as if" principle. Focus on reconnecting with him. IMHO the risk you take if you don't overcome this is that it will snowball and hurt your marriage further, and you have a child, and being estranged from your husband can only add to the pain of your current struggle to get pg.

Sorry this is hard for you, and wishing you well!

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
Though I'm glad my DH isn't reading this because if he did and saw that I "liked" Maggie in Va's comment he would say "you hypocrite! get in the bedroom right now!" He also complains he doesn't get it often enough and I have no desire, but mine is hormonal because I have no real beef with my marriage or my husband. We do have sex about once a week or once every two weeks so that's positively all the time compared to your situation! But don't think I want it, because I don't.

BUT . . . as an old married woman, I have come to the conclusion that if you are basically in a good relationship with no terrible anger or resentment, and your lack of desire is a direct result of hormonal imbalance or your own depression (not related to your marital health) then look at a man's sexual desire as an appetite that needs to be fed. If you are hungry, you would eat, right? If you are thirsty, you would drink. If you need to go pee, you would go to the toilet. I hate to say it but to men, sexual release is on the order of eating, drinking, and peeing. Your husband is hungry and he wants you to feed him (and you don't want him going to someone else for a meal!) Women are the ones who associate sex with love. Women are the ones whose hormones have to be more in balance in order to feel desire. Women are the ones who have to be "in the mood." MOST men are pretty much "ever ready." Of course there are exceptions, like if a man has depression, low testosterone, or is on medications that effect his desire such as antidepressants or antihypertensives.

If on the other hand you think your lack of desire is a direct result of anger and resentment in the marriage, then "giving in" to sex might make things worse. Probably better to try to deal with those tough issues first. On the other hand, giving in even in that circumstance could put a husband in a better frame of mind to find his best self and start being more loving in the marriage. It's a hard call sometimes.

If you are cycling or getting ready to cycle then you cannot take testosterone on a daily basis. But I suggest you ask your doctor if you could take it every now and then to help with your sexual desire. When I used to take testosterone as part of my HRT (the only reason I am not taking it now is because, believe it or not, I have been too tired and too busy to get the prescription down to the compounding pharmacy, which is on the other side of town! lame-o excuse, I know), I would feel hot and horny within about two hours of applying the cream. The cream is applied to the clitoris and vulvar area. I'm just sayin' . . . as a short term temporary measure, it could really make a positive difference in your marriage. If it's an occasional thing, you may be able to take it off and on even if you are preparing to cycle in a month or two. Ask your doctor.

ETA: There is an old saying, and I don't know who coined it but I think it's profound and true: "Women give sex to get love and men give love to get sex." So it all works out, everyone can get what they want if they work it out right.





Last edited by biogal on September 13th, 2011, 3:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Blushing Over Here
Blushing Over Here

September 13th, 2011, 4:10 am #9

I have to confess - I just don't like s*x anymore. Once we finally moved to DE I thought what is the point of it anyway
I have just spent so many years ttc with OE, tracking temp, checking cm and then making sure we do the deed at optimum time of the month - as a consequence, the fun just went out if it. Every time we do it, it reminds me of all the months and years of failure.

When we moved to DE our co-ordinator put me on bcp's straight off. I have either been on bcp or taking lupron since March of this year, through two failed cycles. And I am back on bcp now in advance of a possible third cycle in November (waiting to confirm everything). So you can hear it here first ladies - I haven't had s*x since February - yes that's absolutely true - and I don't miss it one jot - that is also absolutely true.

So hubby is getting a bit annoyed about all this, and last night I decide to give in. But before we get to it, he starts talking about it nearly being a year's anniversary since we did it. We argue because he exaggerates EVERYTHING and since I was the one doing all the work for all these years, I actually have a record of exactly what day and what time of the day we last did it and the time before that and the time before that and so on. By the end of the argument there was definitely no mood for it - so I still have not had s*x since February and I still don't miss it one jot!

I suppose I'll have to give it up soon though, for the sake of our relationship, pah!
I have no desire for my DH, I used to but my DH stopped approaching me for it a long time ago. We are not in a good place in our marriage, and that is the main reason for me and probably for him too. You would gasp if you knew how long it has been, but suffice it to say that it has been over a year. It seems that the flame went out when the baby came.

I would like to feel sexual and h*rny again, I just dont know when (and if) it will happen. It bothers me quite a bit, as I feel I am way too young to find myself in this situation.

I dont know even if my DH were to ask if I could just go along with it since it has been such a long time.

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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

September 13th, 2011, 4:26 am #10

. . . men will not stay indefinitely in a sexless marriage. I am not making judgments about any of you as I have been where you are, both in my first marriage and in this one. But just realize and learn from those of us who learned the hard way, that women can and often do go along for a long time in a marriage without sex but men generally don't. Women tend to place a higher priority on other things in a marriage, but men will put sex at the top of their "must have" list. Men equate lack of sex with personal rejection and lack of love. One therapist I heard described it this way - if you approached your husband for a hug and he turned his back on you and walked away, the way you feel at that moment is the way he feels when you don't want him sexually.

If your hormones are out of whack, there is always hormonal supplementation. If the marriage is on the rocks, there is always therapy. Please don't get blindsided by a sudden divorce or an extramarital affair. Both are really so much more painful than giving in to sex you don't want once in a while! I don't mean to be preachy and hope I don't come across that way.
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