Just thinking out loud on the loss of genetic connection

Just thinking out loud on the loss of genetic connection

sugar
sugar

July 1st, 2012, 9:34 pm #1

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

July 2nd, 2012, 1:44 am #2

you just might keep finding yourself (and others) seeing the resemblence. DD was nothing like me when she was tiny. She was DH pure. Strangers would laugh and point out that she was just like her dad. Now, we were male factor IF, too, and after numerous failures at DE went on to do various immune treatments and also used a mix of donor sperm and DH's sperm, so we don't actually know if DD came from DH's sperm. And the more she grows, the more people (including me) see ME in her. She has completely taken on my mannerisms, etc, but she really does seem to favor me, too, now. Who knows how much of that is expressions taken on, etc?

Best of luck with your cycle. I won't promise you won't ever think about it when you have your baby, but it really will become less and less important.
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Joined: December 4th, 2007, 6:59 pm

July 2nd, 2012, 1:56 am #3

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
Those thoughts made me sad as well when I thought of the DE factor.

My DE twins are 3 1/2 yrs old. My DD looks just like me and my DS looks like his father, my xDH. I've heard it from the beginning how she looks like me and our baby pictures are very alike. Granted, this isn't the case for everyone, but just know it does happen. Our babies sometimes will look like us. We do have quite the roll in growing our kiddos ya know (epigenetics).

Good luck on your cycle!!



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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

July 2nd, 2012, 3:04 am #4

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
I was standing on my deck looking at the backyard getting ready for my DE cycle. I cried thinking the little kid running around the backyard would not look like me. And would not have that historical connection to my ancestors. I felt like I was letting my deceased relatives down, sneaking someone into the family. And my brother, DD and myself are all blonde. I picked a light brown haired kinda short donor. I have tall ancestors. Those things really bothered me.

Now that baby boy is here I'm certain my deceased ancestors would be very happy. Heck maybe they told hiim from the other side to come live with me. He is just as much my son as my OE DD, light brown hair and all. . And I can't wait to see what fun he has running around the backyard.

Nobody says he looks like me. He doesn't really look like DH so much. But he sure is cute! And he has a wonderful happy smile. My best friend came right out and said he doesn't look like my side of the family at all. Honestly it didn't bother me a bit. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me but since he is mine I think he has a resemblance .

Wishing you luck with your cycle.
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Joined: February 6th, 2008, 8:16 pm

July 2nd, 2012, 4:58 pm #5

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
My almost 3 year old continues to look NOTHING like me but grows more like me everyday- from her laugh, walk, gestures, intonation, taste, etc... At her daycare a teacher heard me laugh and say "Uh Oh" from behind her and she said, "That must be L's mom" because L sounds EXACTLY like her mommy.

There is a face MY mom makes when she disapproves of something- eyebrows raised, lips pursed and she says tch tch. I make this face too and when my kid sees other kids pitching a fit at w@lmart it is the face my kid makes.

You may find this too, in that your gestures, tastes, prefernces,talents are reflected in your children too, as they grow and develope.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

July 2nd, 2012, 5:52 pm #6

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
So here's the thing...my OE DD looks quite a bit like me, but her temperament, personality, and skills (good artist and gymnast) are seriously NOTHING like me. I was shy and loved being alone with a book or animals. She is a whirling dervish. I don't recognize this child as mine. It's kind of hard. I wish she were more like me in some ways, not because I need that validation because I think it might make it easier to relate to her. She's a lot like her dad, who has a difficult temperament. Then I look at my DE boys, who look nothing like me. Sometimes I even get a bit jealous when a mom and DE child DO resemble each other, even though they have no genetic connection! Our donor and I had some features in common and the boys got none of that. Something skipped a generation there and they probably look like her father. Oh well. They are too small yet to know how their personalities and aptitudes will turn out, but one already has the above-mentioned challenging temperament of DH and DD...

But...as I was hanging out the other day with just the one twin and looking at his copper-blond hair and bright blue eyes that don't fit in with our family's looks one iota, I had a realization that it will always be THE BOND I form with him, the experiences we share, the ways in which he leans on me and depends on me, our relationship, that make me his mother. Those are the things that actually matter. He could be from my egg, like DD, and still (like DD) not be anything like me. I just have to accept him for who he is and get to know him and get to know US so that we will always share the closeness we now have.

I wish you every possible success with this cycle!
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Julie
Julie

July 2nd, 2012, 6:43 pm #7

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
I have medium brown hair (which I highlight) and dark brown eyes. I tan easily. DD is blond, blond with green eyes but I think she will tan. DH is blond blond, blue eyes and very fair. Donor had green eyes. DD looks so much like her cousins on DH's side -- which I love -- but her personality is all me. We were just with my family for a week and everybody thought it was so fun that even without DNA I got a high energy child who reminds them sooo much of her mommy. I really don't think of the lack of genetic connection when she puts her arms around my neck to hold me tight and to just gaze into my eyes. She does that at least once a day and I just melt. I know it is scary but so much of the worries fade when you hold your child. Good luck
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Julie
Julie

July 2nd, 2012, 6:44 pm #8

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
I have medium brown hair (which I highlight) and dark brown eyes. I tan easily. DD is blond, blond with green eyes but I think she will tan. DH is blond blond, blue eyes and very fair. Donor had green eyes. DD looks so much like her cousins on DH's side -- which I love -- but her personality is all me. We were just with my family for a week and everybody thought it was so fun that even without DNA I got a high energy child who reminds them sooo much of her mommy. I really don't think of the lack of genetic connection when she puts her arms around my neck to hold me tight and to just gaze into my eyes. She does that at least once a day and I just melt. I know it is scary but so much of the worries fade when you hold your child. Good luck
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Hope2009
Hope2009

July 2nd, 2012, 7:23 pm #9

If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.

She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.

Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).
Big sigh.
I read your heartfelt post and I'm glad that you have somewhere to think out loud. I too cycled without any family and friends knowing what we were doing and it was really lonely at times to be going through something in which my whole soul was involved and no one knew...except my acupuncturist and my Dr.'s.

I wanted to share something that your post brought up for me and that is that I see none of me in any of our 5 oe children. Not a physical feature, not a mannerism..nothing, nada, zilch. It's so weird too as I'm looking at them all the time with new eyes and I see nothing of me in them. They are their own people in looks and in the personalities...even their mannerisms. All of them are blue eyed like their dad (I have green eyes) and several of them have curly hair like him...(I have straight) several of them have his light, sometimes cynical sense of humour (I tend to be a deeper person and lack the light superficial type of humour that comes easily to my DH)

Other people comment too that all our kids look like DH...oh boy you can sure see that they are all related!...so there...other than the fact that I carried them in my womb and nursed them I wouldn't even know they are mine. However, and this is HUGE for me anyway...and that is that my 3 precious children born via de's are so much like me in many ways...even as young as they are...Will and I can be sitting together and I'll look over at him and he will be looking intently at something, like i sometimes look...very focussed. He is happy and very upbeat..very optimistic little man and I believe that I am more that way than my DH. The three little ones and I laugh and laugh together and I feel like they get my jokes...it's so funny...in all ways....but I WAITED SO LONG for these little beings to come.

The biggest thing though is something that you can't see but I can feel...it's like there is a golden cord that connects me to my three youngest babies. I talked to them a lot before they were even embryos..telling them how much I wanted them to come and telling them how beautiful the world was...and to be patient etc. I felt them so strongly and there were all sorts of signs that we were meant to be together in this lifetime...yes maybe not using my genetic material but something even stronger...my spirit which in earth form allowed miracles to happen.

So I know my story isn't yours and you won't have the perspective that I have but I think we seriously think too much about the whole genetics thing...we are all alike, we are spirits first who come to earth and travel around in an earth suit to grow as souls.

I understand that you have to grieve this loss..it's sad certainly when your sister has that connection with her kids, if you want to say that, and you are not able to...I know...but really if you shift your perspective you will see that you have been given even a greater gift...to connect with your child's spirit before he/she is even on this earth...WOW..that is a true miracle.

Anyway...I hope my little input helps you see it from a different viewpoint slightly so you can move forward believing without this little spot be a part of your heart. It's all good...even better in so many ways than having your kids via your oe's b/c think of the things you have learned about being grateful, being patient, being generous, loving and compassionate...all things that we learn on the IF path...and those are the really important qualities that we can pass onto "our" children.

HUGS to you dear sugar...I hope that your cycle brings your soulbaby to you and in 9 months you will see what I feel. LET GO AND TRUST!

Blessings from Hope
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Hope2009
Hope2009

July 2nd, 2012, 7:28 pm #10

Those thoughts made me sad as well when I thought of the DE factor.

My DE twins are 3 1/2 yrs old. My DD looks just like me and my DS looks like his father, my xDH. I've heard it from the beginning how she looks like me and our baby pictures are very alike. Granted, this isn't the case for everyone, but just know it does happen. Our babies sometimes will look like us. We do have quite the roll in growing our kiddos ya know (epigenetics).

Good luck on your cycle!!


looking alike? When we are around each other for a lifetime, maybe have the same fitness levels, eat the same, our cells are all growing and changing based on what we put in our body..but more than that we start working as a couple...and with kids...well we are a family...wouldn't the world be a better, peaceful, happier place if we couldn't just get this...we are a family and start seeing each other as we see ourselves.

Blessings from Hope
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