Is being no tell totally wrong?

Is being no tell totally wrong?

ValerieNY
ValerieNY

May 6th, 2011, 4:53 am #1

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

May 6th, 2011, 5:16 am #2

Most of us accept that for every family, there may be a different best choice. I admit that I really, really do not understand being no-tell but I have to frame my perspective in terms of how I came to motherhood, and being in the tell camp works well for me. Others here would probably say the exact opposite of my last sentence. I just have to accept that there are differing viewpoints here and move on, because I am not out to convince a no-tell family that they've made the wrong choice.
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diaphanta
diaphanta

May 6th, 2011, 9:41 am #3

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
I, for one, think yes that it is totally wrong being no tell, but around a third on the board (we did a poll a few months ago) were either completely no tell, or still making up their mind even after their child was born.

The best resource on the issue I have found is this organisation of which I am a member:

http://www.donor-conception-network.org

- it carries out interviews with young people born from donated eggs, sperm and and embryos and publishes them, plus lots of other research.

I hope you change your mind. I think it is every child's right to know the truth or their origins.

Good luck whatever you decide.
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Joined: April 16th, 2011, 4:28 pm

May 6th, 2011, 11:08 am #4

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
Yes, this has been a much discussed topic. Personally, no tell is comfortable for us. I don't share my business with many people and am not very close to anyone outside of DH and parents. So, I don't see the need to tell anyone.

Telling the child is still up in the air for us. Unless there is a medical reason, I just don't feel the need. This may change and I will see how life plays out. I have read various resonings from both sides of this topic and both have solid reasons.

Blessings

Ann
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Leigh888
Leigh888

May 6th, 2011, 12:27 pm #5

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
I think being "no tell" to family and friends is absolutely fine. It is not any of their business how you had your child. If you do decide to tell the child, however, then they may disclose this info to others and there isn't much you can do.

Regarding not telling the child, this is only a decision you and your husband can make. I would think about whether you will be able to keep this secret. I remember learning in H.S. bio class about genetics. I came home to see which of my parents could roll their tongue, if they had attached earlobes, asked their blood type, compared eye color, etc. If anything didn't add up to what I had learned in class, I would have started asking questions. In addition, I think genetics is going to become a bigger and bigger field and will plan a larger role in medicine. So, again, something could come out that didn't match up. If your child ends up finding out about the DE at a later age, I think this would be pretty traumatic. So, I guess I would really think this through before making your decision.

(I know this is all very controversial on this board, but since you asked, those are my $.02).
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Joined: July 5th, 2006, 6:35 pm

May 6th, 2011, 1:37 pm #6

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
Everyone has different circumstances and reasons for the decisions that they make. It doesn't make anyone right or wrong. That's the best part about having the freedom to make your own decisions in our country. (If you are indeed from the states.)
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

May 6th, 2011, 3:26 pm #7

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
I think you should decide after you have your kids to do what is right for yourself and for the children. You have a long time. Our kids are 2.5 years and we just started telling them, and of course they have no idea what we're talking about.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

May 6th, 2011, 4:23 pm #8

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
But the current thinking in the therapeutic community, which is admittedly mostly based on the experience of adopted children, is that donor conceived children will fare better in adulthood if they know and know earlier in their lives rather than later. There are a lot of women on the boards who will say, yes, but my kids aren't adopted, and it's presumptuous of those people to say they know it will be better for my kids to be told. But I don't think those professionals are saying they know; they're giving the best prediction they can based on their understanding of analogous situations. I have to respect that.

For my own part, because I was 48 when I conceived and bore my twins through DE, there's really no point in being no-tell (though DH would prefer it, I think).

At one level, yeah, I do feel it's wrong to withhold such fundamental information about a person's identity from them, but it also feels arrogant and cavalier to ignore the best thinking of the professionals who have examined this issue. (Please note that I am making an expression of my own feelings here.) That isn't to say that I don't acknowledge that there are family or cultural considerations that may make being no-tell wiser -- and Donor Conception Network acknowledges the same. At a practical level, though, being no-tell means living in constant anxiety that some event will happen that causes your child to inadvertently discover his or her origins.

Two things aside from the practical consideration of my age led me to be tell. The first was the experience of a friend of mine who learned as an adult she was adopted. It really up-ended her emotionally. The other was that I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of intentional secrets, but I was always learning sad and disturbing things because family members just didn't want to talk about sad and disturbing events that had happened to them earlier. It made me very wary of big family secrets.

So, consider looking at some of the Donor Conception Network literature and think hard about what you would want for yourself.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
Last edited by maggie1961 on May 6th, 2011, 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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thesameboat
thesameboat

May 6th, 2011, 6:51 pm #9

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
(child mentioned)

and somehow, most people turn out fairly OK. It's your decision.

We wanted to be no-tell, but now we are pretty sure that we have to tell our child. We told a couple of very close friends and now I think we can't have others know and not the child and there is one other issue that could give us away, too. So we're no-tell as of now, at least as far as docs and family and friends.
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Anon
Anon

May 6th, 2011, 8:49 pm #10

I just want to be completely no tell if this dream comes true.
Many people compare DE to adoption, but there are critical differences. So I don't think its a good comparison.

I think its fine to not tell your child.

The bottom line is that nobody else can tell you what to do. Its your decision.
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