If you were successfull with a DE and believe in a higher being, question

If you were successfull with a DE and believe in a higher being, question

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February 16th, 2011, 1:19 am #1

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

February 16th, 2011, 2:01 am #2

I've thought about this a lot.

Okay, honestly, I still feel slighted. I still feel angry. I don't understand why my DH and I couldn't have had kids the old fashioned way, that are the blend of US and our family lines. I don't understand why we had to suffer with multiple miscarriages, getting our hopes up each time only to lose it again and again. I don't understand why I couldn't at least have carried and birthed and nursed DE babies even if I had to lose the genetic connection.

I love my DE/GS children and am thankful the option existed to do this, but nothing is ever going to make up for the suffering we endured for a decade. Nothing.

I think I always knew that having success with DE/GS wasn't going to magically erase the pain of the past or erase all the scars. Now the task is to just focus on the blessings as much as possible and bear the disappointments with whatever grace and dignity I can muster. Forward, ho!

As for these being the children we were meant to have - I do not believe in "meant to be." I lost my faith during this whole IF struggle so I no longer have any kind of magical mystical thinking. We have these particular children because of the way things unfolded and because the embryologist picked this straw instead of that straw. I love my boys but that doesn't stop me wondering what it would have been like if we had been able to conceive healthy children on our own, what they would look like and be like, etc.

One thing that consoles me somewhat is the realization that after I die, it's not going to make one whit of difference whether my genes continue on or not. My great-grandchildren through my DE children are not going to know me or care about the genes and maybe won't even know about the lack of genetic connection. I'll just be a name on a family tree. The experience of life is what we are living now and I'm going to try to enjoy it, and try to raise the best children that I can. I'll try to leave a different kind of legacy, non DNA.

I suspect you are asking this question because you are looking for reassurance that the pain you are feeling now will go away if you have DE children. I'm not sure my answer is giving you that reassurance! I'm just being honest. I will say that when I look at my boys, I just see the miracle of who they are as individuals. No, they don't reflect me the way I wanted my children to reflect me, but they reflect themselves. I think you just have to adjust and be very very flexible in this process! There are some DE moms who feel absolutely that the children they got through DE are the ones they were meant to have. Everyone is different. I just don't think along those lines. I think instead about, what if I didn't have them at all? That would be unbearable.
Last edited by biogal on February 16th, 2011, 2:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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February 16th, 2011, 2:15 am #3

BBG, I appreciate your honesty and your response.
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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

February 16th, 2011, 2:20 am #4

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
I am very spiritual. Both DH and I with a six month old have said if they said "hey! you can switch and have your bio child now with a tap of a wand" I would do no such thing. I want THIS BOY. wanted THIS boy the minute I saw him on the ultrasound. That's just how I processed it. I feel blessed.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

February 16th, 2011, 2:38 am #5

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
I was thinking about this today. I think I had felt sort of short-changed by fate my whole life, sometimes rightly, often wrongly, and having my beautiful children late in life, getting a kind of reproductive mulligan that I had no right to expect and wouldn't have only a few years earlier, was the first time I really felt loved by God. I didn't have a long history of ttc and infertility; I had just waited too late to have kids b/c I thought I was happily childless by choice till I realized . . . I wasn't. I nearly lost my marriage over it, and I wondered if I were being tested to make sure I really wanted those children. Now, that's not a particularly mature view of God, for sure, but that's the truth about how I felt. I don't know about all feeling right with the universe or even about having the children I was ultimately meant to -- I just hope my boys believe they have the mother they were ultimately meant to. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

February 16th, 2011, 2:45 am #6

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
I was thinking about this today. I think I had felt sort of short-changed by fate my whole life, sometimes rightly, often wrongly, and having my beautiful children late in life, getting a kind of reproductive mulligan that I had no right to expect and wouldn't have only a few years earlier, was the first time I really felt loved by God. I didn't have a long history of ttc and infertility; I had just waited too late to have kids b/c I thought I was happily childless by choice till I realized . . . I wasn't. I nearly lost my marriage over it, and I wondered if I were being tested to make sure I really wanted those children. Now, that's not a particularly mature view of God, for sure, but that's the truth about how I felt. I don't know about all feeling right with the universe or even about having the children I was ultimately meant to -- I just hope my boys believe they have the mother they were ultimately meant to. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

February 16th, 2011, 2:54 am #7

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wngb5Mq1SQY
Last edited by Blessed_Thistle on February 16th, 2011, 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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HollyPa
HollyPa

February 16th, 2011, 3:12 am #8

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
I used to be bitter, angry and horrified at every m/c, chem prg, lily white pee stick, failed OE IVFs (4), 2 failed DE cycles (and FETs)- ALL 10 years of them. I didn't understand (and frankly, still don't) why some crack addict could have a baby and we couldn't.

However, since we adopted both of our DDs, I KNOW why we had to take this long, horrible, marriage and faith testing journey...it was because I truely believe we were meant to have the daughters that we have and they were meant to be OUR daughters. And...I think we are better parents for it. It doesn't erase the pain of the journey (that just made us stronger), and it doesn't erase the fact that we couldn't have a baby like 90% of the world. Do I feel sad that we don't have a genetic connection, maybe every once and a while, but our families genes aren't so hot anyway. I believe with all of my heart, that this was the plan (and I am by no means religious).
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demomone
demomone

February 16th, 2011, 3:36 am #9

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
Thanks for bringing this up.
It took us a very long time to come to terms with using DE. When we finally did, I knew it was the right decision.
Now that I have my baby..I could not imagine any more joy than what I feel from having used my OE..my baby is mine and I never think about the DE part..
About the spiritual part..I am convinced that my long journey through many tests (meaning failed IVF's, miscarriages and chem pg's) were part of the journey to getting my little baby. When I first brought the baby into the house of worship, I cried tears of joy, as I knew the Lord had blessed me with this special gift.
It is hard to convey to someone just how they will feel..but the entire process that includes the cycle, the pregnancy and the birth were the best times of my life..I have no regrets and every morning I thank G-d I have my baby.
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Hope2009
Hope2009

February 16th, 2011, 4:57 am #10

I am by no means a religious zealot but I believe in God. Sometimes its hard to understand why my dh and I are facing what we are. So as I embark on my first DE cycle the point of my question is now that you have your child(ren) do you still feel slighted or do you feel all is right in the universe and somehow you have the child(ren) you were ultimately meant too?
I believe that everything happens for a reason and that during times of my darkest struggles in life I have learned the most as a soul.

I am one of your board buds who had OE children first. And although I know this is difficult for women who have faced infertility to hear...our first 4 children came easily to my DH and I while I was in my 30.'s. I love them but you know until we started ttc number 5 I didn't really appreciate how easily they came to earth.

At 40 we decided to try for another child but my fertility had literally plummeted and so I experienced several years of secondary infertility...a loss of our soul baby at 12 wks along the way...and then our DD Grace finally came to us.

During the journey to Grace I was given a precious gift in that struggle...in the grief of our soul baby...it was the understanding that in order for us to live in a state of peace...in a state of Grace we need to let go and trust. To believe that there are times in our lives that will be hard but at those times we will grow the most as a soul. I also came to the belief that we are indeed souls first...coming to earth and experiencing life...our purpose is to learn as much as we can about compassion, love, etc while we are here.

After our DD Grace was born I thought we were done having children b/c it had been such a difficult process finally having her and at times I was so depressed...not a good way to be when you are raising precious little people. And so we just enjoyed our life...and our children. The last thing we ever expected was to get pg again...when we weren't even ttc...but we did.

Just before I turned 45 I became pg again...we were shocked, surprised...and just when we were wrapping our heads around the idea of having a 6th baby...I went in for an u/s as I had been spotting and there was no heart beat at 8 wks...I lost the baby shortly thereafter.

My DH went phew...that was a close call but I had seen the tiny baby lying still without a heart beat on the u/s and there was a whisper from a soul who hadn't come through...it lingered with me until I had to talk to DH and ask him if we could try to have another baby.

Well that put us on a total different path...the roadless travelled I like to call it for how many women have larger families...and continue later in life....and when after several years of ttc and only getting pg with chemical pgcies....we decided that we either had to move on...or find another way to 'ALLOW MIRACLES TO HAPPEN'...and that is when the UNIVERSE put some women who were choosing the DE option to have...or complete their family.

It wasn't an immediate decision to go in this direction...but when I had my last chemical m/c at age 47 that was when I knew that I had to try using DE's....and when I made that commitment to move forward all sorts of road blocks that I had perceived parted and in a very short time we found our clinic, our known donor, and within a year we were pg with our first DE DS.

When our sweet Will was placed on my tummy I took one look and smiled...he was the baby from my dreams. He has been a shining light in our family....sure he isn't from my egg, but he is from my dreams, he and I connected soulfully before he came to earth and there are times that I feel closer to him than with my OE children b/c it was such a struggle to bring him to earth...he taught me so much about trusting and letting go....Grace did too but this was in a total different realm.

This is when my belief that we are souls first really came to be tested....and my belief that we are all connected on this planet even though we may look different and have different heritage....we are all spirits living an earthly experience. How he actually came...the genetic connection...the biological process wasn't as important to me any longer....what was way more important was that this baby that I had dreamed about...prayed so hard for...meditated on....had come to being....this taught me that anything we truly want in life can manifest but sometimes it doesn't come at the time...or in the manner...or even in the earth suit that we may have thought....but with trust and faith....it does come.

Along this journey to Will I had always had thoughts that we would have twins...I don't know why....but in all my dreams I had this picture of two little blonde girls playing at the beach...and I was surprised that Will was actually a singleton. Also at the time of our first cycle we were thinking of just having one more to complete our family...my DH CERTAINly WASN'T thinking of doing a FET.....but as soon as Will arrived I knew that we would cycle again.

And so 2 years later...we did another FET and I'm now pg with twin girls....which just blows my mind. We are now going to have 4 boys...4 girls....8 is a prosperous number in Chinese culture...a lucky one...and I feel so blessed....I don't ever feel that this journey with all the pain, the losses wasn't all worth it....all the tears in the bathroom in the middle of the night...someone was listening and I'm living my dream.

On our chalkboard in our kitchen I often write this quote for the children to be reminded of....'if the only word you say each day is...thank you...then that is enough'...and so I'm always going around kissing this head or that...getting a hug here and there....even after an altercation with my teenagers....I whisper thank you.

I know as i said my journey isn't the norm on these boards....but if you were walking in my shoes you would understand....I think the fact that the road to our DE babies may have been long and hard....we are truly the lucky ones...especially if you start shifting your perspective from one of an earth based understanding to one of spirit. Of course I understand that unless you have had an OE baby it may be hard to understand the gift of a baby that comes via DE's...but hopefully hearing my story may give you a different view on the whole journey....these are the babies meant to come to us. True gifts and blessings.

Well another novella from Hope
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