I need to hear it again

I need to hear it again

Joined: June 18th, 2012, 3:41 pm

July 25th, 2012, 2:57 pm #1

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
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Joined: July 3rd, 2010, 9:13 pm

July 25th, 2012, 3:36 pm #2

Our child is from donor embryos after many losses from OE and donor egg cycles. There is no doubt he was meant to be ours and I don't have the least regret about using donor embryos.

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Joined: November 5th, 2007, 1:16 am

July 25th, 2012, 3:42 pm #3

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
I love my kid! Not a regret in the world!
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

July 25th, 2012, 3:43 pm #4

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
We tried for almost 9 years to conceive a child. DE AT FIRST did not help us. It turned out I had immune issues, too, that had been undiagnosed. So you can imagine how high the frustration was.

When our daughter was born, we were thrilled. So in love. She is perfect.

But, at first, we weren't healed. That took time. DH cried for the first six months of her life. Every day. Now we suspect he was suffering from post traumatic stress, but we didn't know it at the time.

DD was born completely in love with me. At the hospital they commented that some babies are like that and can't be away from their mothers' touch. She screamed if she wasn't touching me and immediately soothed when I took her. She nursed eagerly and continued to do so until just recently, almost to her 3rd birthday.

She is the light of my life, the apple of her father's eye. Of course, we wish we could have had her earlier, younger, longer... but she's here now and and is a joy. When I tell her I love her, she replies 'I love you, too, Mama.' When I tell her she's my best girl, the most wonderful girl in the world, she says I'm the best, most wonderful mama.

All of those years of pain were worth it. I am healed. DH, too. He even agreed to try again and now I'm expecting again at age 47.

I would give my life for this child. I'm her mama. I have NO regrets. From the moment I saw her, I recognized her soul. My child. The one I looked for for all of those years.

I'm sorry your journey has been long. I'm sure it's been hard. I hope you find the path that leads you to your child.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

July 25th, 2012, 3:45 pm #5

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
...that you learn all you can about the process. We fear what we don't know. Now, there is no way to know how you will feel about the child once s/he is here, but most women on here will say that their DE child is 100% "theirs." That is certainly the case for me. You can, however, find out how your clinic or agency screens donors for the defects and diseases you may fear. Most of all, it sounds as though you could benefit from meeting with a counselor trained in the specific issues of egg/sperm donation. Most clinics require such a meeting before you cycle anyway.

In our case, we initially resisted egg or sperm donation because we thought if the child wasn't "both of ours" genetically, then "we might as well adopt." Over time (and many IUI failures), things started to change. I wasn't necessarily hung up on the experience of pregnancy/birth, but I did want an infant, and infant adoptions are difficult and expensive, esp. if you're not willing to consider open adoption (which my DH said would be like raising someone else's child). We might consider adoption in the future, but it was not right for us at this point. Ultimately we decided not to try OE IVF because the odds of success at my age were no better than with IUI (which we had tried 6 times). When my DH asked if I'd like to consider DE, it felt like a door was opening.

We now have a beautiful, healthy boy who will be 8 months old tomorrow. I have no regrets. And I'm really glad I had the experience of giving birth to him (though it was a mite harrowing when my water broke at 31 weeks).

I wish you the best.

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Joined: November 10th, 2006, 3:13 am

July 25th, 2012, 3:45 pm #6

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
Agree - so sorry I waited! nt
Last edited by BabsA on February 1st, 2013, 3:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: July 29th, 2009, 6:13 pm

July 25th, 2012, 3:55 pm #7

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
I firmly believe that my DD is the child I was meant to have. I have said it before but will say it again. If I was told I could go back and have an OE child but I would have to give up Miss O -- well, no way, no how. I did contribute to who she is and she is my daughter. She looks like her dad with her blond hair but she mysteriously has nearly brown eyes -- how is that possible when DH has blue eyes and the donor has green eyes? I actually think her eyes are hazel-green which means there is much brown in them. I have brown hair and brown eyes -- I like to think that I "turned up" the brown in her green eyes. DH and I talk about how every day Miss O needs mommy time -- she needs at least 30 minutes a day of simply being next to or on top of me. It simply recharges and relaxes her. I could go on but I hope that helps. GL
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

July 25th, 2012, 4:03 pm #8

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
The baby will feel like your baby just the same as if you had used your OE. I have an older DD naturally conceived and I can tell you 100% that my DS conceived via DE feels exactly the same. I was very nervous about all of it during my pregnancy. But after he was born I fell totally in love with the little guy. He is four months old now and the genetics seem totally irrelevant to me.

Any baby could be born with a disease even if you use your OE. So that is just the risk of having a baby.

If you want a baby/child to love and care for then you should absolutely do it. I saw a therapist all throughout my pregnancy and she said there will be times when I will feel sadness that the baby and I do not share genetics. I felt a tinge of sadness, very tiny, more like just odd thoughts, during the first month he was born. But really it is just plain weird to have a new baby and go through all the fertility procedures. So, it may not have been the DE aspect at all that felt a little weird. But as each day passes I really don't think about the emotional aspect of using DE in a negative way. I just feel so lucky to have him and am so thankful the procedures are available and I found a wonderful donor.

The more love and attention you give to your baby the more you will bond and love the baby.

I really just think of the body as a vessel. If you have a little baby via DE it is the little spirit that wants to be born and live with you. If the little spirit finds its way through a borrowed egg then you should try and grab the chance.

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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 11:57 pm

July 25th, 2012, 4:09 pm #9

I love your last sentence about the little spirit that wants to be born in you (and I would add, though I have not experienced it, that it is also true if one uses a GC).

I have said before that I sometimes forget that DS does not share my genetics.

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

July 25th, 2012, 4:39 pm #10

Hi everyone,

I'm from the ore boards but more and more leaning toward donor egg . I have such fears about it, like the child and my dh will say you're not the/my mother... That it will feel like its not my child, that it will inherit some awful trait or disease that I don't know about. That maybe I'm just not supposed to have children and why am I pushing it with donor egg. If adoption werent so prohibitive I would opt for that but it seems like donor egg is a more realistic option for me to have my baby.

I need to hear it again, that donor egg is a great option and that it may be that it is how my baby is meant to get to me. Forgive me for wanting to heart again, please indulge me.
Because of your anxieties about DE. Like you, I was willing to adopt, but due to my domestic situation and age, I realized it was very unlikely to happen. You know, some day my boys may say something like, "You're not my mother." And I'm going to just have live with that and let them work through it, although I try not to think about how painful it may be when it happens. But I don't think I would forgo all the years of motherhood before and after to avoid that, would you? I don't think my sons, in the end, would say they would rather not have been brought into the world than have to emotionally process this anomaly in their family background, though I want to help them any way I can.

Your child is much less likely to have a genetically transmitted trait or disease from an ED than from you, because ASRM guidelines mandate extensive screening. Is it a "great option"? I don't know. I think a "great option" will be if researchers are able to exploit the discovery that there are cells in a woman's ovaries that can be stimulated to produce new oocytes. I think a "great option" would be if autologous ovarian tissue transplants become widespread as a fertility preservation therapy for all women, along with minimally invasive techniques for harvesting the tissue being developed, not just cancer patients. Donor egg is just the "best option" we have. But it's an option that has only realistically been available to our generations of women, and I for one am happy and grateful it was available.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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