I need some advice and I have no one to talk to

I need some advice and I have no one to talk to

Anonymous
Anonymous

November 8th, 2010, 4:20 pm #1

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

November 8th, 2010, 5:00 pm #2

I found some flirty emails to an old girlfriend! I am very upset.
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Vianna
Vianna

November 8th, 2010, 5:02 pm #3

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
Yes, it is a very particular difficulty when your dh has children with a former wife. This is something that I decided to take a leap about when deciding to do DE, and it is something that I do feel somewhat uncomfortable about. For now, however, I am just completely blissed out about my baby girl, and I encourage you to keep working to find your path without letting fears hold you back. Good luck with the therapy, and I wish you luck with your dh and all you endeavor to do in your pursuit of your child.

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Vianna
Vianna

November 8th, 2010, 5:03 pm #4

I found some flirty emails to an old girlfriend! I am very upset.
I can't know what prompted this, but infertility does take it's toll on a marriage. I wish you luck in resolving your issues.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

November 8th, 2010, 5:59 pm #5

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
First, it was my own fault, too. I thought that I was happily childless by choice for the first eleven or so years of our marriage, but I just went into denial when I realized my feelings were changing. I drank too much. I just couldn't face touching this third rail in our marriage, and when I finally did after I started menopause and became deeply depressed over my childlessness, it all blew up in my face. I felt so stupid.

I have to tell you, most men, but especially men who already have bio kids with a previous spouse, just cannot identify with your feelings. Please don't reproach yourself for not leaving, though I did the same thing. Leaving a spouse to pursue single motherhood is an awesomely hard thing to do. You are going to be OK. Once you are pg with your DE baby, I suspect your insecurity around DH's kids with his ex will abate.

Take care, and keep us updated,

Maggie (in VA)
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anon too
anon too

November 8th, 2010, 6:58 pm #6

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
to offer you support in what you are dealing with. I am childless, and it pains me to even type that in this reply
I can only imagine what extra trauma you have to deal with when there is bio children from previous relationships involved. I almost (still have very bad days) lost it with just the childless part.
I am moving on to de...do I feel sad about it....yes sometimes I do. I just keep asking myself...do I want to try and be a mom? the answer is yes...so that being said I have to now either "TRY" de and see if that works, or "TRY" to adopt. Dh and I are up there in age so either way this is risky business here. I have found in my life so far that nothing has come easy for me some of it is my fault and I carry that guilt with me like a ball and chain. Sorry to add that, but it is my truth.
Now on to a brighter note. I am going to at least give another clinic a try. I have not been turned down by one yet, just turned off....hope the new one is everything I have heard it is!
Be strong girl!!! Sit down with him and make sure he is on board...if he is not...talk it out and listen to him. It is always harder on us unforn...I love men...but know they let me down in a lot of ways! If you want to be a mom with or without him talk it over on here and with yourself and then one step at a time...find out about the marriage first though!
Take care
P.S. I barely have anyone to talk about this stuff either
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Joined: December 2nd, 2008, 2:10 am

November 8th, 2010, 11:40 pm #7

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
OMG, sounds so similar. DH and I waited too long (actually him) so my genetic connection is now lost. Moving forward to DE was hard for me. I always dreamed of what "our" child would look like, combination of us. I was sooooooo darn jealous of my DH and this other woman creating a child. THis was the hardest part for me.....I was jealous that he would have a genetic connection, had some other woman to do what I couldn't do and on and on I went. Tortured myself with thoughts.

Of course, I have no one to spew these thoughts to, especially him, even though he is the reason I am where I am. Except the ladies on these boards listened to me and helped me find my way to acceptance. Damn right I blamed him and blamed the doctors for not telling me about old eggs. Absolutely oblivious to this fact. Anyway, I have a doctor who said to me, do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mother? He went on to say that none of his DE moms ever regretted their decision. They are curious about what a genetic child may have looked like, but then they realize this is the child they were meant to have. They never looked back. This helped me to come to accept I wanted to be a mom and DE was the way for me.

DH is so easy going about the DE thing. After my 3 MC this year, let's just keep trying he says. Well, at this point I just want a baby. Any baby, his genetic connection or not. I realized that with his hesitation I could have left so I am as much responsible for the decision to prolong parenthood as he was. I also realized, with the help of this board and another board of DE moms to be that I correspond with, that I was meant to be a mom, I will love my child, no matter how he/she is conceived, and the child will be "our" child because we will be raising our child with our love....love and respect we have for one another and for the child we worked so hard together to create.

Sure, it is rough at times, particularly after my recent chemical, but I am fired up to find a way. So, after all my rambling, I just want to say your feelings are very normal. Time and discussions with therapists and with the lovely support here you will find your way...whatever it may be - to do DE or not. Don't ever believe you are alone. We are here for you.

Blessings
Ann
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nameless for this one
nameless for this one

November 9th, 2010, 12:55 am #8

After two m/c and many cxld cycles I am moving to DE. I am having a hard time dealing with my insecurities of DH children with his ex. I am jealous that he shares that and because of him not committing to me sooner it is now too late for me to have children with OE. I know it is my fault for staying and that is another reason why I am on unhappy with myself how can I be so dumb. I am working with a therapist but it is $$ and I really value the thoughts of other ladies who have had to deal with and understand how hard it is. I cant talk to my friends because they dont know how it feels because they all have kids. DH is not very sensitive to my feelings so it makes this even more difficult.
I understand the resentment. DH has an adult dd from a previous relationship. He has never met her (she was given up for adoption) and I've begged him to make his information available if she should want contact with him. We have one child growing up with no siblings, and this is his only sibling. If my recent bfp doesn't fall through, and we're very lucky, he'll get another sibling. But I do resent that dh fobbed me off so long (12 years during marriage, 3 years before).

I don't know if this rift between you and dh will ever be mended. I may always resent my own dh in this respect. But I know I want another baby and a sibling for my ds, and for me, it would be pretty much impossible to achieve without dh. I'm sure some women here will judge me and find me coming up short for admitting this, but there are so many unfit, fertile parents in the world, and I don't agree that only perfect marriages should be blessed with children when so many bad ones already are.

If doing this on your own isn't an option, I think you have to prioritize and focus. Do what you must to have your baby. You might eventually find you have forgiven your dh. I tend to notice that if I improve my life in the major areas, I feel better about dh. IF not, at least you'll have your baby.
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