How to give up on my dream of one more....

How to give up on my dream of one more....

Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

May 3rd, 2012, 10:06 am #1

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
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Joined: August 29th, 2011, 2:23 am

May 3rd, 2012, 1:42 pm #2

First of all - you are under a lot of stress and your little one is only 16mths old - that is hard let alone on top of everything else. My question to you - do you really have to give up on your dream or is it possible to delay things. A lot can happen in a year. Maybe set some goals for the next year that don't involve another and relook at things this time next year. You have a bit of a to do list from the looks of things:
1. Rebuilding - this is a major stress in itself. Can you set some goals just to get this side of things under control. Can you get in before it is red-stickered? Surely if it is red-stickered doesn't that mean insurance will pay-up?

2. Sleep issues. I understand the post traumatic stress after an earthquake to a degree. Ours was only small with no damage but I still think about it a lot and plan in my head how to get the kids out if another hits (I think this is typical mum worries as DH has not really thought about it!). I have lanterns and torches positioned through the house for a night-time (loss of power) quake. So, maybe by practical applications you can start to rest easy. Anyway, at 16 mths it is not unusual for a child to be in her parent's room anyway so is it really an issue? You know that in 6 mths time the teething will be over and things will probably be better.

As for giving up on your dream - I think you are too exhausted to make this decision. The best decision would be to put it away for a while and relook at it in a year or so. If you would regret it for the rest of your life it does not sound like you really want to give up on it. Lack of sleep is probably making it all look too hard right now. When you get things sorted out and are a bit rested I am pretty sure things will seem different.

Good luck and I hope you can get some rest and peace. Any chance you can contact your local church for help?

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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

May 3rd, 2012, 4:42 pm #3

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
I'm sorry I'm so bad at keeping track of people's details, but to me it sounds as though right now you can't move forward with more kids. And the earthquake and its aftermath and the fear of more quakes are obviously a huge disruptive factor in your life right now, as are finances. But the fat lady isn't necessarily singing just because things look inauspicious right now. And you sound very sleep deprived.

You're at such a low point now in terms of pressures on you, in terms of living conditions, the very ground under your feet isn't even standing still, I can't begin to understand how despondent you might be feeling. But, as Jesus said, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." There are lots of possibilities in the future. Right now, perhaps you need to focus on getting your LO sleeping better so you can sleep better (I know you've been at that.).

There was a time when I wanted to go back for my frozens, even though I hadn't really considered having more than two kids even when fertile. And since then it has just been a tsunami of opposition, including the Czech legislature, the failure of the peripheral neuropathy I developed in pregnancy to resolve as all the doctors assured me it would, and how laughably overwhelmed I am with two boy toddlers. And I never even got to the point of bringing it up with the husband who nearly divorced me over having kids. I know, I know, it's different when you at least have a sibling, but I do comprehend that vetoed by fate feeling.

Anyway, try to put aside the "how do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?" question and just focus on stabilizing your situation. Your sweet LO needs you, and you can only fight on so many fronts at once.

{{Hugs}}

Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: August 22nd, 2008, 3:29 pm

May 3rd, 2012, 11:20 pm #4

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
and all yuu and your family have endured. I want to ask you though if there is any need to make a decision regarding moving forward right now. Can you put it on the back burner and just try to take it one day at a time...one night at a time and surrender for now if you will.

Sometimes we try to make things happen and we realize...and you must realizethis more than most of us...how little control we have in this life...what we do have though is control over how we perceive the sitation. We can shift our perspective so we our emotions aren't adding to the stress of the situation.

I know if you are ANYTHING like me this is hard to do. When we have had so many life altering things hit us, we want to control something...but sometimes the BEST way to control it...life...is to let go and trust...let go and trust that if your next little one is going to manifest that you have to trust. I think you may find a better sense of balance with this mind set...it's really funny how we stop trying to make decisions about things and jsut surrender how all of a sudden the Universe works for the higher good of the situation and suddenly everything flows beautifully.

I also wonder if baby may pick up on your new feelings and perhaps sleep better knowing mom isn't as stressed at night. I'm living with our twins in our bedroom right now and I know about sleepless nights...it seems like they they take turns having a bad night and heaven help me when they both have a bad night...but on the mornings that I wake up exhausted...if my mind set is just being gentle on myself and trying to take the easier road for the day...things seem to flow better...and you know what..at days end...when my thoughts have been to take care of myself...to take care of my babies...and Will..then the day is often even more productive than if I had been well rested...do you know what I mean...it's a funny thing about mind set. It has tremendous power over everything.

From a mom who struggled over knowing when our family was complete...and there were times that I felt that the choice was taken out of my hands often due to outside influences...and of course from secondary IF as well...I feel for you...it's just such a pull and never leaves our mind does it?.....especially if we feel like there is a little one whispering to us from outside the curtain. Also when we have embryos waiting they call to us as well. You will find your way though, it's part of the process. I will be praying for guidance for you to know how to handle this situation...how to let things flow more easily, how to be open to letting go and trusting. All shall be well. HUGS!

Blessings from Hope

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Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

May 4th, 2012, 12:54 am #5

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
The stress of your living situation is just unimaginable. A situation such as that, with no end in sight apparently, takes a huge, huge toll on one.

I have no words of wisdom regarding how to lessen the stress, but since it's objectively a huge issue, acknowledge that & go very easy on yourself!

As for another baby, I agree with the others. You don't need to rule anything in or out now. Your little one is only 16 months old. You have some time & now is not the time to make any decisions. Leave the door ajar on it. There is no reason not to. Things sometimes have a way of working themselves out & I hope they do for you.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your friend. It's a devastating thing. Sending you a huge hug.

Hang in there, Laura!



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Joined: June 28th, 2008, 7:01 pm

May 4th, 2012, 6:53 am #6

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
I cannot begin to imagine how stressful it must be for you right now. And top that off with exhaustion, well that is just too much for you to be making such big decisions right now. I loved everyone's advice that posted before me. I couldn't have said it better than Pinkduck, so basically, everything she said. Just take care and hold your dd tight. Take care of whatever you can right now to minimize the stress, and in time, you will be able to make a decision.

And I do understand the dilemma of wanting another, yet not knowing if it will be possible. I haven't even had my first yet, and I already know I have to come to terms with it. Having this little miracle has stretched me well beyond my comfort zone, and I just would not be able to do it. No way, no how. And time is not on my side, with having recently turned 50. So my rational self knows my decision has been made. But emotionally, well, I'm not ready to really think about that one. I understand how this can weigh heavy on your heart. Try not to think about it right now, and just do what you can to stabilize your situation. Once all of that happens, things just might look differently for you.

Hugs to, and I wish you loads of sleep filled nights.

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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

May 4th, 2012, 8:02 am #7

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
Hi Laura,
I have no answer to your question. I wanted to write that I am sorry things are so unsettled still where you are.

Its a very dumb question but have you considered moving right out of the earthquake zone totally. I know its not a black and white decision. But if you could tie up whatever you have to where you are and then move it would relieve your stress to no end as you could then see an end to things in sight.
If you were not in this zone then would you have another child? I'm guessing probably yes.
I wish I could do something for you. You are always welcome here honey. Its an open invitation, best, THK
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Joined: January 15th, 2009, 7:11 am

May 4th, 2012, 7:36 pm #8

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
From what you say, it does sound like having another baby would be difficult now. That doesn't mean you have to give up on it forever, though. You have fosties and the beauty of DE is that your biological clock is not as much of a concern! Concentrte on coping with your present situation now, and maybe in a year's time you will be able to go for another baby.

I am in a similar situation to you - 41 with FSH of about 70 the last time I had it measured. I started HRT four weeks ago (my son is now 15 months) and I feel SO much better you wouldn't believe it. Could you not go on HRT? It wouldn't solve your problems, but it ight help you to cope with them.

Big hugs xxx
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

May 4th, 2012, 8:48 pm #9

I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?
After reading your post, I just want to fly over there and give you a hug. My God, what a continuous nightmare you've been dealing with. I find it absolutely amazing that you and your DH have been holding it together as well as you have. Your detailed descriptions of life after a natural disaster have really opened my eyes more to what people have to deal with in the day to day aftermath. I think about how hard it is for me to trudge through my daily life with twins, just as it is, and then add to that having my entire life uprooted, dealing with PTSD, worrying about jobs and income, and trying to work around the damaged infrastructure of my city, AND not getting any sleep at night. I'd collapse. So give yourself credit. You're doing amazingly.

I agree with the others also that sleep deprivation is likely adding to the feeling of hopelessness and despair about the future. My boys are 22 months old and still not reliably sleeping through the night, but if I really really need my sleep, I go to bed at the same time they do (8pm) and then I'm usually guaranteed a 6 hour block of time for sleep before the middle of the night screaming begins. I know it is hard to retire early when you have so much that has to get done after baby goes to sleep, but you may just need to prioritize your sleep.

So my question is, and others have asked it to, why the sense of urgency? Is there a reason why you feel you need to be able to proceed with another pregnancy this year or even in the next couple of years? Maybe there is another factor at work that you didn't mention, such as your age, or a health issue, or DH's input? Or is it just that you cannot, right now, see your way out of this quagmire, so you wonder if you will EVER be in a better position to add another child to the family?

A lot can happen in a year or two, or three. You may be (God willing) on solid ground (sorry, no pun intended)in a couple of years from now and what seems impossible right now could be very feasible at that time. I think it is way too early to feel as if you have to come to closure on this question.

Unless you have reason to fear that your life may never recover from this earthquake, in which case the circumstances that are preventing you from having another child right now will not change in the future - why not just adopt the attitude of expectation that, of course you will have another child, just not until things get sorted out?

I was also wondering if it was feasible or desirable to move out of the danger zone entirely. ? Can you join your mother? I'm sure relocating has its own set of complications and you have probably considered it already.

Thinking of you and wishing you didn't have to deal with this.

ETA: And get some bio identical HRT!!! Of course, what you need first and foremost right now is SLEEP, but a little hormonal support would help a bunch. Getting into hormonal balance will also help you sleep better during those hours when your little one will allow it.

Last edited by biogal on May 4th, 2012, 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

May 4th, 2012, 10:15 pm #10

First of all - you are under a lot of stress and your little one is only 16mths old - that is hard let alone on top of everything else. My question to you - do you really have to give up on your dream or is it possible to delay things. A lot can happen in a year. Maybe set some goals for the next year that don't involve another and relook at things this time next year. You have a bit of a to do list from the looks of things:
1. Rebuilding - this is a major stress in itself. Can you set some goals just to get this side of things under control. Can you get in before it is red-stickered? Surely if it is red-stickered doesn't that mean insurance will pay-up?

2. Sleep issues. I understand the post traumatic stress after an earthquake to a degree. Ours was only small with no damage but I still think about it a lot and plan in my head how to get the kids out if another hits (I think this is typical mum worries as DH has not really thought about it!). I have lanterns and torches positioned through the house for a night-time (loss of power) quake. So, maybe by practical applications you can start to rest easy. Anyway, at 16 mths it is not unusual for a child to be in her parent's room anyway so is it really an issue? You know that in 6 mths time the teething will be over and things will probably be better.

As for giving up on your dream - I think you are too exhausted to make this decision. The best decision would be to put it away for a while and relook at it in a year or so. If you would regret it for the rest of your life it does not sound like you really want to give up on it. Lack of sleep is probably making it all look too hard right now. When you get things sorted out and are a bit rested I am pretty sure things will seem different.

Good luck and I hope you can get some rest and peace. Any chance you can contact your local church for help?
I think you're right. I need to decide not to decide. Yes we have torches in every single room and are well ready for another power outage etc. it's the fear of quakes as much as the actual ones coming; when they arrive we just go into drill mode and do what we need to get safe warm and fed, but the fear of jolt is ghastly and trying to get back to each other in the event of another affects many activities.
The house stuff is just a quagmire but. The insurance industry is balanced perilously so ther is a fear that they will run out of money before enough people get money, especially as their primary responsibility seems to be to their shareholders rather than to us.
Don't get me started!
I appreciate your thoughts and reminder that 16 months is still pretty early.
DH is 50 this year and as sole breadwinner with zero retirement savings we would really be pushing it o have kids much older than this and be able to provide for them!
Thank you for your support.
Last edited by phoebegrace on May 4th, 2012, 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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