how can you get past the feeling that life is unfair

how can you get past the feeling that life is unfair

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 29th, 2012, 4:57 pm #1

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
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Joined: November 20th, 2006, 6:03 pm

May 29th, 2012, 5:21 pm #2

I never felt like it wasn't fair that I couldn't have an OE child, as I was just grateful I'd get to be a mom with DE (especially when even that seemed unlikely, I wanted it SO badly), BUT I do feel the unfairness of having spent all of the time and money we have had to trying to build our family. Our kids' college years would be almost fully funded with what we spent ttc, FGS! I will tell you that bitterness just fades away when you have your child. I still feel bitter at times - like the other night when I had dinner with the moms from my kids' preschool (they do that twice per year). One mom who was sitting next to me got pretty sloppy (martinis) and bored us all with a monologue on how fertile she is, how she never wanted children, changed her mind (sort of!) only b/c her husband wanted a child and POOF she had a baby 9 months later. Then again the first time after AF returned POOF again and her perfect second child was born. She even CALLED herself fertile myrtle. Gah. It went on... and on... and on. I finally blurted out, "Well, I can't relate, it took six years, seven losses, and a couple of hundred thousand dollars we didn't have, to get our kiddos." There was silence for a minute (finally LOL), then the woman sitting across from us grabbed my and hand said, "Me too, friend, me too." THEN the woman on my other side said that they never sought treatment but were ttc hardcore for seven years to finally have their one child. Mrs. Sloppy Drunk had another martini and went right back to her monologue on her perfect reproductive abilities, but it felt really good to know I was surrounded by sisters who "got it." So the bitterness/ttc pain doesn't COMPLETELY go away, but it is so diminished once you have a child. I think the degree to which it goes away is very personal but for me 95% of the time it doesn't bother me. Dinner the other night was an aberration, and one I will avoid in the future! Nooo more dinners with Sloppy Drunk.

Huge hugs to you. I know in the thick of it, when still trying SO hard to have just one, it's not easy to believe that this bitterness will fade - but it really will. It takes a conscious effort for some to let go of it probably, but it WILL go when you have all of the joy coming out the other side, to balance it all out. Hugs,
Kenny
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Joined: July 29th, 2009, 6:13 pm

May 29th, 2012, 5:28 pm #3

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
For me, age was certainly an issue since I did not meet DH until I was 42. I went into it knowing DE was likely (my sister already had DE B/G twins). It definitely puts a strain on a marriage and on finances and those are the things that I most regret and get bitter about. Why couldn't DH have a little time to ourselves instead of my obsession! Now that my DD is here, however, I am glad that I had to use DE because I would not have HER if I had not had to. She is the perfect DD for us. She is my best buddy and if somebody appeared right now and said -- we will take everything away, you can easily get pregnant with your OE and get all you money back but you have to give up Miss O. Well that is a non-starter. I can't think of not having THIS CHILD. That takes away the sting. It is tough but I think you will find that is what happens to most of us.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 29th, 2012, 8:47 pm #4

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
I always think of it this way: My mom (I'm adopted) was married when she was 22 (this was 50 years ago) and had trouble ttc. She had to endure quitting her job (they thought stress), ALL of her friends getting pregnant, and crazy, meaningless fertility procedures. So she adopted me & my brother when she was 28 & 30. She always says that she can't imagine having any other kids- that God meant for us to be her kids. I think you will feel the same way when you have your DE kids. Plus you will get to experience childbirth and breastfeeding, and that will go a long way to heal your heart.

Even though you started ttc young enough to have your OE kids, sometimes God has another plan for us. I wish you peace & happiness!
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

May 29th, 2012, 11:17 pm #5

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
Like you, I started ttc in my 30s. Sure, I waited longer than nearly ALL of my friends, but I thought 35/36 was still pretty reasonable... Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.

I think what made it easier for me was my eventual diagnosis of POF (premature ovarian failure). With FSH levels above 150 and undetectable AMH levels, it was pretty clear that I would never have a child using my own eggs, so there was simply no point in continuing to try. As weird as it sounds, sometimes I almost feel lucky to have a crappy diagnosis like this. At least I didn't have to go through cycle after cycle of OE IVF or try any other ART procedure - it was either DE or adoption. Period.

Regardless, I felt like you do for a very long time and I still have times where I feel that way. There are days when I'm completely overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all - I mean, how is it fair that I'm paying 10s of thousands of dollars and going through emotional hell to try and have ONE baby, when so many of my friends have 3 or 4 without even thinking about it? The bottom line is that it's NOT FAIR. It's just not. But we can't change it, and maybe that's part of what's so frustrating.

I wish I could tell you how to get over it. I agree with the other posters that it probably takes having a DE baby to truly do it, but since I'm not there yet, I can't say for sure.. I just know that at some point I had to accept that it was either this way or no way, and most of the time I'm ok with that. Or, maybe I should say that most of the time I've come to accept it. Here's the positive side - at least we can do something. 30 years ago, this wouldn't have been an option, but at least we have technology on our side and this can and does work for a lot of people. I know it's hard, but focus on that, if you can.

Sorry for rambling, but I hope something I've said resonates with you.
Good luck,
Leigh

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Joined: September 1st, 2005, 4:59 pm

May 30th, 2012, 2:01 am #6

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
I clearly remember as a kid, I guess I was 7 or 8, being really mad at my dad and saying "THAT"S NOT FAIR!" His response was "Life's not fair." I remember the total shock of that moment. How can it not be fair? That has stuck with me. Infertility is horribly unfair if you compare yourself to others. Hard not to do so when you are stuck at dinner with someone like Kenny's Sloppy Drunk, or even if you are at the mall surrounded by strollers and huge bellies. But really there is no guarantee of fairness in any of this. We all have our roads to travel. Some parts are easy and some are very, very hard. If you can think of this as simply the road you need to walk to get to your child, then you can do it. It's not fair or unfair. It just is. The desire some days to scream at the time, money and tears that are spent on the process won't go away but trying not to compare "roads" can help.

I have to say too that to believe this is much easier in retrospect. I remind myself that this was just my road to my children when I am looking at a friend's new house, or hearing about their latest trip, or thinking about my age. If I do not compare myself to others or expect things to be somehow equal, then it's easier for me when it's not.

Good luck. When you look at your child's face, you will know that you would have gone through 10 times what you did and it would have been worth it. I hope the rest of your road is not very long.

MaggieM
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

May 30th, 2012, 4:01 am #7

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
Hi,
Its very hard when you are ttcing to see the end of the road and how you may feel then. I was on the merrygoround for so long it became a way of life almost.
I too look at young moms or others who I know had children easily. However, if you speak to a lot of them it wasn't easy for many - you would be suprised.
Now our boy is here I have let go of the unfair feeling. I think when your child arrives that you are too busy looking after them and being in awe of them (and your part in the whole process) that you don't have a lot of time to think.
It does wear off as Kenny writes. Things tend to bother you when you haven't accepted what has happened. Once you get past that the unfairness of it all very much dims I promise you.
Having your child is a joyful and wonderful and tiring. A DE baby is yours and only yours no matter how you look at it because without you they wouldn't be here at all never forget that.
IT will be ok trust me, best, THK
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

May 30th, 2012, 4:08 am #8

For me, age was certainly an issue since I did not meet DH until I was 42. I went into it knowing DE was likely (my sister already had DE B/G twins). It definitely puts a strain on a marriage and on finances and those are the things that I most regret and get bitter about. Why couldn't DH have a little time to ourselves instead of my obsession! Now that my DD is here, however, I am glad that I had to use DE because I would not have HER if I had not had to. She is the perfect DD for us. She is my best buddy and if somebody appeared right now and said -- we will take everything away, you can easily get pregnant with your OE and get all you money back but you have to give up Miss O. Well that is a non-starter. I can't think of not having THIS CHILD. That takes away the sting. It is tough but I think you will find that is what happens to most of us.
That is really true Julie. If someone offered me anything I'd like I wouldn't let my DS go ever. I figure through all the emotional mire and all the drugs he was the one trying to get to me/us. I feel as if I"ve won millions of dollars with him and my DH in my life.
Sure I had to walk through fire but I just kept going as I thought 'whoever it is they are keeping me going and they want to get to me'. Now here he is and I feel like he is an old soul so was meant to be here with us.
best, THK
Last edited by perthkitty on May 30th, 2012, 4:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

May 30th, 2012, 8:03 pm #9

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
Life is not fair at all. But once you have your baby this infertility stuff will just be your past. You will love your little baby.
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Ariadne
Ariadne

May 31st, 2012, 2:29 am #10

I know that DE is a great option but for me I can't get past the feeling that it is unfair. Other women can have children easily and don't even have to consider alternative options. I can't even blame my age since I started in my 30's. So, I tried to do everything in the right way, and yet no matter what I just encountered failed cycle after failed cycle. It is hard for me to let go of this feeling that I can't have my own child. And I know that I will love whatever child comes into my life, so I don't feel that I will love the child any less. But I feel that I won't get over this feeling that life has just been really unfair. I also know this experiences goes nowhere near an experience with a life threatening disease, so I do feel fortunate for that. But somehow even though I know this, I still feel unhappy that my life had to take this option. I have a therapist, but I thought I would reach out to the women here on this board, because you all have lived through this experience and can maybe give me some tips to stop feeling this way. I don't want to feel unhappy all the time.
I, too, turned to DE in my 30s. I was just shy of 35 when I got the high fsh news & I was 35 when we decided to move to DE. It took several years & an insane journey to get the 1st of our 2 children. Our 2nd child also has a miracle story, so none of it came easy.

I remember well being in your shoes. For me, failing my DE cycle swept away the sadness & ambivalence. I was horrified & terrified when DE failed me. Followed by a 2nd & a 3rd cycle failure.

I can't know what feelings I would have had if DE had been an easy fix for me, but I do know that contemplating a baby, a child, in the abstract is an entirely different story than holding your newborn baby in your arms, than hearing your child say "Mama!" & throw his or her arms around your legs, confirming you are the center of his or her universe.

My dh had a terrible time embracing DE, but once I was actually pg., it was a different world & now that we have kids? A different galaxy! We both believe our boys to be the most perfect human beings ever born. The love you will feel for your child is something you can never imagine in your wildest dreams.

And some of it depends on your world view. While I am emotional at times, I tend to be very practical when it comes to DE & my children. I have these two children b/c of what I went through & if any variable had been different, I would not have them. That I cannot imagine. So for me, the grief is entirely gone. I'm thankful for my rocky road b/c it has led me to these children, whom I love immeasurably.

What you are feeling is normal. I remember crying as I reviewed donor profiles on my couch. Dh was a grumpster & although he did weigh in, his heart was heavy. It was a tough time.

Now? We are living a wonderful life & are grateful every single day.

Do I wish I had the $$$$$$$$$$$ back? Sure, but I'm truly grateful for the journey b/c it does make me appreciate what I finally have every single day. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Every single day I wonder how in the heck I wound up with 2 wonderful children.

It did seem unfair & surreal at the time, though, so do allow yourself to grieve & rage. Totally normal & understandable.
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