Weeble
Weeble

January 24th, 2014, 7:14 pm #11

Several years ago I did the IVF route and found great support on the TTC over 40 site. Some of you may remember my name from there.

I have had 3 unsuccessful IVFs and one blighted ovum before I ran out of funds. Despite my unexpected unemployment, my DH and I decided to go forward with assisted reproduction as we married late in life but still wanted children together. Ironically, my husband called me at the airport when I was returning home after being accepted to the infertility program out of state to say that he had just been fired. Major suck and very unexpected. He has since gotten another position but one with a huge commute so his daily burnout and cranky factor is quite high. I feel guilty all the time that we have to live on one salary -- depending on a job he loathes. Although I have been looking intensely for any job and have taken many internships and volunteered to gain experience and contacts, I have not been able to get more than seasonal employment. I stressed all the time that my age is precluding me from both gainful employment and other family building options.

For the last few years, I have tried to come to grips with not having kids. It is not working. I am not coping well. My friends are kind but not supportive as they all had children in their 20's and early 30's. They are approaching the next stage of motherhood. I don't feel too old to be a mother. I just feel sad and more desperate as the time passes. I do not just want to have a child. I want to be pregnant -- feel the swell of my belly under my hand. My siblings all have large families.

I would like to consider DE as my next option but don't know if it is completely out of my grasp. DH has mentioned adoption but he has no concept of the cost and the red tape -- plus his parents are extremely and vocally critical of adoption. Can you you help me by answering the following questions.

1. Has anyone on this board used DE to get pregnant over 50?

2. Are there clinics that specialize in DE for clients over 50?

3. Any idea how much this DE would cost. I have Harvard Pilgrim Health Care insurance.

4. Can you point me in the right direction with advice?

5. Are there other sites that would be more appropriate.

Many thanks for any assistance or advice you can give me. The people on these sites are a great sense of comfort and strength for me.
Thanks guys for all your responses. I will look into the sites that you mentioned as action is empowering. It is the isolation of infertility that is the most heartbreaking. While I have been there for friends going through divorce, disease and miscarriage, I was astonished to find how little support I have received from those nearest and dearest to me. One former friend of long standing actually told me that this was part of God's plan, that if I was meant to have children. then I would have been blessed with them. Guess all those people with cancer really pissed God off.

You guys really helped both in allowing me a safe and supportive venue to vent and a practical path of breadcrumbs to follow out of the forrest. I am going to Donor Egg and Adoption Seminar. It made me weepy to talk about it to my DH - I feel like such a failure when I talk about infertility that the waterworks start immediately. I am not an crier - hate the lack of control I feel -- emotional hosing the room like a bad Jackson Pollack painting. I will take a box of kleenex to the seminar and will post any helpful tips on this site.

Let me know if you think of any other suggestions. Thanks again for all your compassion and assistance.
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Mrs. McIrish
Mrs. McIrish

January 24th, 2014, 7:38 pm #12

It makes it sound like we weren't "worthy". Makes my blood boil!!!'
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

January 24th, 2014, 8:23 pm #13

I am always mindful not to use that term when talking to my fellow NICU mothers because some of them were not fortunate enough to bring their babies home from the NICU, or those who did, may well have children with severe disabilities or significant challenges.

Please forgive me for not being sensitive here.
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Dee
Dee

January 24th, 2014, 8:36 pm #14

Thanks guys for all your responses. I will look into the sites that you mentioned as action is empowering. It is the isolation of infertility that is the most heartbreaking. While I have been there for friends going through divorce, disease and miscarriage, I was astonished to find how little support I have received from those nearest and dearest to me. One former friend of long standing actually told me that this was part of God's plan, that if I was meant to have children. then I would have been blessed with them. Guess all those people with cancer really pissed God off.

You guys really helped both in allowing me a safe and supportive venue to vent and a practical path of breadcrumbs to follow out of the forrest. I am going to Donor Egg and Adoption Seminar. It made me weepy to talk about it to my DH - I feel like such a failure when I talk about infertility that the waterworks start immediately. I am not an crier - hate the lack of control I feel -- emotional hosing the room like a bad Jackson Pollack painting. I will take a box of kleenex to the seminar and will post any helpful tips on this site.

Let me know if you think of any other suggestions. Thanks again for all your compassion and assistance.
I had a friend throw the "God's plan" arguments at me, and I am no longer her friend.
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Mrs. McIrish
Mrs. McIrish

January 24th, 2014, 9:26 pm #15

I am always mindful not to use that term when talking to my fellow NICU mothers because some of them were not fortunate enough to bring their babies home from the NICU, or those who did, may well have children with severe disabilities or significant challenges.

Please forgive me for not being sensitive here.
BT- my comment wasn't directed to you at all! It was just a general stmt and I actually hadn't picked it up in your comment. It's more for the regular population where it annoys me.
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Weeble
Weeble

January 25th, 2014, 1:27 am #16

I had a friend throw the "God's plan" arguments at me, and I am no longer her friend.
I was both surprised and dismayed to see how many "friends" have avoided me because of this issueI tell myself it is because our lives are going in different directions but I think it is really that they lack empathy and are tied up in their own worlds. I miss my friend whom I comforted through multiple miscarriage and rejoiced when she finally carried to term. She has not said anything cruel other than I should look into adoption (something she was unwilling to do). She has just stopped interacting, returning calls, emails. She always has an excuse -- piano recital, PTA blah, blah, blah but never follows up on plans or apologizes until pinned down.

It is not as if I monopolize conversations. I hate pity. I rarely talk about infertility however, I expect a little quid pro quo considering I take an interest in listening and helping to solve their problems. It has shown me the selfishness of several long term former friends and deepened the connection of acquaintances like yourselves who do not let me wallow but offer sensible suggestions and a comforting sounding board.
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Dee
Dee

January 25th, 2014, 2:49 am #17

I'm so sorry you've struggled for so long. It's heartbreaking to invest so much time, emotion, and money into this journey with no baby to bring home. Virtual hugs for you.

I have Harvard Pilgrim and hate to tell you that you'll really have to battle to get any IF coverage out of them if you're over 44. My clinic advised me to get on the scene when I turned 40 b/c time passes quickly, your 44 before you know it and they very rarely see treatment approved for patients over 44. If you become pregnant you'd be fully covered for your pregnancy related medical treatment.

Get HPHC to email their infertility services and criteria document. It will likely be a long call since they'll have to kick you over to a specialty services group. It's a really joy (rolling my eyes). If you don't have time for that I've pasted the coverage details for patients over 44 below.

"Female members age 44 requesting to use their own eggs are generally not eligible for coverage of infertility treatment and/or related services. Infertility treatment and related services will not be authorized for female members age 44 or older unless there is clear evidence of a greater than a 5% chance of a birth outcome using ones own eggs. While the individual's medical history will be considered in making coverage decisions, the age of the female member is the most important clinical factor affecting the chances of a live birth when a woman's own eggs are used." Source: HPHC Medical Review Criteria Infertility Services 2012

Are you in MA? I know that Cardone sees patients for DE who are up to 55. His office is in Stoneham.They have recently merged with Boston IVF so I'm not sure if there will be any policy changes. Boston IVF does a monthly donor egg seminar that may be worth attending.
I wonder if BC/BS also cuts off insurance coverage for infertility after age 44.

I have BC/ BS of North Carolina.
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Dee
Dee

January 25th, 2014, 4:29 am #18

I was both surprised and dismayed to see how many "friends" have avoided me because of this issueI tell myself it is because our lives are going in different directions but I think it is really that they lack empathy and are tied up in their own worlds. I miss my friend whom I comforted through multiple miscarriage and rejoiced when she finally carried to term. She has not said anything cruel other than I should look into adoption (something she was unwilling to do). She has just stopped interacting, returning calls, emails. She always has an excuse -- piano recital, PTA blah, blah, blah but never follows up on plans or apologizes until pinned down.

It is not as if I monopolize conversations. I hate pity. I rarely talk about infertility however, I expect a little quid pro quo considering I take an interest in listening and helping to solve their problems. It has shown me the selfishness of several long term former friends and deepened the connection of acquaintances like yourselves who do not let me wallow but offer sensible suggestions and a comforting sounding board.
I had several long term friends that either had kids easily, or did not want kids at all; and did not understand. Its sad because years ago, when we were all younger and single, we had more in common and got along. The years, and the differences in our lives, have driven a wedge between us. This one particular person who judged me about wanting to do IVF was always horribly toxic, though, and I just could not face that truth for a long time. She is a busybody who has a problem with meddling in other people's lives.
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

January 25th, 2014, 5:48 am #19

BT- my comment wasn't directed to you at all! It was just a general stmt and I actually hadn't picked it up in your comment. It's more for the regular population where it annoys me.
My username is for the herb and I actually have used it almost my entire time here, but I did call myself blessed two posts up. insert blushing icon here I will try to be more mindful even if you did not mean me, because it surely applies here. Though I never really considered it as God holding out on me in the past, maybe He was because the children I have were my destiny, not the ones I lost. The Rascal Flatts lyrics make me think of them with gratitude though: "Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, pointing me on my way into your loving arms." I do believe that in a sense, the future already happened and that while we are free agents, God's already in the future and knows what is there. And I pray that where he sits 8 months in the future, you are welcoming your new baby into the world.
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Antonialisa
Antonialisa

January 25th, 2014, 8:37 pm #20

Thanks guys for all your responses. I will look into the sites that you mentioned as action is empowering. It is the isolation of infertility that is the most heartbreaking. While I have been there for friends going through divorce, disease and miscarriage, I was astonished to find how little support I have received from those nearest and dearest to me. One former friend of long standing actually told me that this was part of God's plan, that if I was meant to have children. then I would have been blessed with them. Guess all those people with cancer really pissed God off.

You guys really helped both in allowing me a safe and supportive venue to vent and a practical path of breadcrumbs to follow out of the forrest. I am going to Donor Egg and Adoption Seminar. It made me weepy to talk about it to my DH - I feel like such a failure when I talk about infertility that the waterworks start immediately. I am not an crier - hate the lack of control I feel -- emotional hosing the room like a bad Jackson Pollack painting. I will take a box of kleenex to the seminar and will post any helpful tips on this site.

Let me know if you think of any other suggestions. Thanks again for all your compassion and assistance.
This post really touched me. There is so much suffering in IF and yes, it is an incredibly lonely journey. I avoided facebook, avoided friends with babies, I did nothing but just try to hang on and get through fertility treatments for years. It was all-consuming exhausting. Luckily, I got lucky and got my little tiny fellow upstairs and he fills my heart with joy and happiness. I've slowly been getting back in touch with friends and becoming a normal person again (but changed...)

This board saved my sanity, seriously. You are never alone, so post anytime.
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