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Having trouble.

Lisa
Lisa

July 13th, 2012, 12:27 pm #1

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
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Kerry
Kerry

July 13th, 2012, 1:45 pm #2

Hi Lisa - I'm so sorry for your disappointment. My story is similar to yours in that I got married at 40 (met my husband at 39) and I'm also a teacher who has a little too much time to think right now and turned 42 yesterday. We actually did get pregnant quickly on our own and were so overjoyed but it was chemical or a very early mc after about a week. I was so devastated - in my mind even in those few days I felt like a parent already and then had to completely readjust- but those feelings get easier with time. After that we were hopeful it could happen and my numbers looked fine but after a year of fertility treatments with my own eggs including an ivf (in which things seemed to be going along fine and when we had egg retrieval most of the follicles were empty and we only had one mature egg that did not fertilize), nothing. I can completely relate to your feelings about changing your whole lifestyle around for this and not having it work as planned. I gave up coffee, took a gazillion supplements, didn't drink, felt guilty for eating dessert, went to acupuncture, did fertility yoga, etc for about a year and a half with no results. It is frustrating that it isn't in our control. At this point, I'm waiting to start my first donor egg cycle and I've eased up with all of those things because I figure my old eggs were the problem and it won't matter so much with donor egg. That has been a tremendous relief for me. I'm not going crazy but I can have a cup of coffee and glass of wine which makes me feel a little more normal. Although I know it might take several tries, I'm sure I'll also be so upset if it doesn't work the first time.

I do think you have an excellent chance that your FET will work and I will be pulling for you!! What has always helped me is to have a plan of what to do if the current step doesn't work. I know DE is really expensive but there are programs (we are doing Shady Grove in MD) that offer a guarantee and more reasonable costs because you share a donor. If it doesn't work(and I doubt I could go through the six cycles they let you try), we plan to adopt. I'm not sure any of this helps but just want you to know you aren't alone in this. It is completely unfair and I'm sorry that any of us have to go through this but I do believe that one way or another there are great options for us today and we will become parents even if it's harder to get there. Hope you enjoyed yoga - staying busy also seems to help!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

July 13th, 2012, 2:21 pm #3

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
Two fresh cycles with one.
Advertised for donor, got one reply, utillised her, all embryos no good bc she had pcos and hyper stemmed but I didn't know this until two years later.
Did several using these embryos. The last cycle the cycle cancelled on day of transfer when the embies died that morning. Grew the last two embies to test their viability, they also both died.
Advertised for another donor, got 45 replies. Sifted and sorted through each and every reply, met ten ladies, narrowed it down to four ladies. My re rejected two of these. I chose one to be the edonor and one as a possible surrogate.
A year passes fulfilling govt requirements, we are in Australia.
We do two cycles with the donor, she doesn't respond to the meds, we get one embryo but it's a bfn, next cycle with her we get nothing.
We decide to give up on me and my body. We organize a donor and a surrogate at a place from hell in another country. We travel there with hope in our hearts. It all goes pear shaped and we are ripped off. On the way to this country we meet someone who has a fertility center. She says if things don't turn out to go see her.
We decide to take two months off ttcing.
We rest, enjoy ourselves then regroup. We travel to see the lady. We do a cycle. It is a bfp.
All the above took six years to occur but we did not give up. The only positive I ever got was the one that lead to our son.

The alternative to the above was to give up. But I have at least another forty years left here god willing... And that is a long time to regret not persuing having a child. I went through times where I thought it would never ever ever work. If I had given up then the little fellow in the room next door would not exist.
Do not give up. You will get there, thk
Last edited by perthkitty on July 13th, 2012, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

July 13th, 2012, 4:11 pm #4

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
My ttc occurred in the maelstrom of trying to escape a marriage with a man I realized too late didn't want kids because he wanted to be my child, and that consumed most of my attention, so it was sort of mentally like the host at a noisy dinner using a spoon against a glass as a chime to get the guests' attention when someone asked me, "So what's your plan for ttc?"

Plan? To get pregnant! But I realized then that I didn't really have a plan and started to assemble my thoughts. Based on what I knew at the time, which I now know was way too little, I decided to give it three tries with fresh cycles. That was because I had read that 90% of women will succeed with DE within three fresh cycles (think I read that stat on an IF blog somewhere and have never been able to track it down). I ended up going overseas both for financial reasons and due to the domestic conflict.

I got pg with twins on my second cycle at CRM Zlin in the Czech Republic. I had frosties from that second cycle. If the second cycle had failed, I planned to move to a U.S. clinic where hopefully I could get more testing done and have a better idea of what was going wrong before trying again (not that you can't with the Czech clinic, but it's more challenging with the distance and language issues), and use the frosties for my Hail Mary play. Anyway, that turned out not to be necessary, and I have two beautiful little sons.

If I had had a ghost of fertility left, I would have been doing the whole Randine Lewis thing and doing acupuncture and TCM, and I think it's worthwhile to keep it up while you plan your DE cycles. After all, miracles do happen, though I wouldn't make yourself too miserable over it as I also think miserable doesn't help fertility.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

July 13th, 2012, 4:47 pm #5

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
Deleting double post nt
Last edited by maggie1961 on July 13th, 2012, 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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thesameboat
thesameboat

July 13th, 2012, 5:50 pm #6

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
almost exactly, except that we had already ttc for 8 years and numerous cycles of both OE and DE at that point. But it finally did work. You write that you have frozen eggs. Are they eggs or embryos? I know that frozen eggs exist but don't think there are many here who have used them.

In my case, we finally found success with egg donor number 5 after getting treatment for immune issues. We also used donor sperm on half of the eggs and transfered from both batches but we're pretty sure DD came from DH's sperm as she has brown eyes, something neither donor had. But my husband is reluctant to have her tested. For our most recent cycle, we were given an amazing gift and I am now pregnant due to someone generously giving us their frozen embryos.

This can work. Don't give up hope. This was your first transfer, right? Maybe you don't have any immune issues or lining issues. Maybe you just fell on the wrong side of the statistics this time.

Hoping for you that your FET will bring your child to you. Stay strong.
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diaphanta
diaphanta

July 13th, 2012, 8:13 pm #7

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
I relate to so much to what you have written, although it is all very much in the past now I look back and can't believe what I went through to get my LO.

Yes, the heartbreak and the sorrow some of us will have to endure ttc will take our breath away - nothing prepared me for the depth and intensity of my frustration, sorrow, fear, anger, despair. I lived on the green board (Still TTC), bonding with people like Sameboat and THK who could relate to my troubles like noone else in my real life could.

It took six years - six long, hard years of ttc, and like you say, there was nothing I could do that would ensure success - it was all a crapshoot - that thought drove me mad most of the time - that I would spend the rest of my life in that crazy limbo.

You will keep going if you have to - if you want to have a baby that much. Nobody forces you, and you shock yourself with your capacity to endure. And when you get your baby (which everyone does eventually, I think, if they can keep going) all I can you is that somehow, miraculously, every bit of pain will have been worth it.

I just pray you get there sooner rather than later.
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

July 13th, 2012, 9:20 pm #8

Hi ladies,
First, I want to thank all of you who have responded and supported me throughout this journey. As some of you know, my hormone levels dropped on Tuesday after getting and beta of 190 last week.
I am trying to move past this, but I am having so much difficulty. Please know, that this is not a pity party and I know it happens to so many women, but I need to put these thoughts down and hear back from people like you, to help me through this.
I am 43, a teacher, in good health, never been pregnant. Met my wonderful husband at 40. When we tried to have kids, I was told I had no viable eggs. Because of high FSH, I never made it to IUI or IVF with OE. We decided on DE and I never had any issue with genetic connection. We saved money, my parent generously gave us a lot of money, we both got second jobs, I drank decaf, went to acupuncture, ate healthy and drank kale and spinach juice, that my husband so kindly juiced for me, every morning.
Everything I have been doing in the past year has been for the baby. And now there is no baby. And I don't know what to do with myself. I am a teacher with the summer off and a lot of free time. I have 2 frozen eggs left and we will try again. I don't know if I can handle the disappointment again.
I think what is so hard is that there is nothing you can do to make it happen. You can be so healthy, etc. and sometimes it doesn't work. And that is what is not sitting well with me. We are taught if you try harder, study harder, work harder, you will achieve....whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
So, can I hear some stories from you gals? How many times did you try? Fresh eggs, frozen eggs? What exactly are the success rates here? Anyone from the Boston area going to RSC?
Sorry for the ramble, I'm having a bad day. Ok, I'm off to Bikram yoga...cause I have to try something
I also have similar experience in terms of meeting DH when I was almost 40. I can totally relate. I was a former RSC patient but did not have success there with OE or DE. I switched clinics and had success on first try. If you want to converse more about RSC experience you can email me at ballerinagirl67@gmail.com. One thing I found helpful when I was at a very low point emotionally was reading the book So Close by Tertia Albertyn. It is an own egg IVF journey, tough at points but overall a story of perseverance and hope. I fou d it very validating. It is also a great book to share with those close to you that are aware of your journey. She is very articulate at explaining the emotional aspects. ((hug))
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Lisa
Lisa

July 13th, 2012, 9:37 pm #9

almost exactly, except that we had already ttc for 8 years and numerous cycles of both OE and DE at that point. But it finally did work. You write that you have frozen eggs. Are they eggs or embryos? I know that frozen eggs exist but don't think there are many here who have used them.

In my case, we finally found success with egg donor number 5 after getting treatment for immune issues. We also used donor sperm on half of the eggs and transfered from both batches but we're pretty sure DD came from DH's sperm as she has brown eyes, something neither donor had. But my husband is reluctant to have her tested. For our most recent cycle, we were given an amazing gift and I am now pregnant due to someone generously giving us their frozen embryos.

This can work. Don't give up hope. This was your first transfer, right? Maybe you don't have any immune issues or lining issues. Maybe you just fell on the wrong side of the statistics this time.

Hoping for you that your FET will bring your child to you. Stay strong.
Hi
Thanks for responding. I mean embryos, not eggs. I always say eggs. No immune issues or lining issues. I can't believe you went through 5 different donors! Are you in the US?
If I go through these two embryos, we will have to start all over again and I don't know if I can afford it. I don't know how people do it. I am trying not to give up hope. I'm so glad you have had success!
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

July 13th, 2012, 10:06 pm #10

I also have similar experience in terms of meeting DH when I was almost 40. I can totally relate. I was a former RSC patient but did not have success there with OE or DE. I switched clinics and had success on first try. If you want to converse more about RSC experience you can email me at ballerinagirl67@gmail.com. One thing I found helpful when I was at a very low point emotionally was reading the book So Close by Tertia Albertyn. It is an own egg IVF journey, tough at points but overall a story of perseverance and hope. I fou d it very validating. It is also a great book to share with those close to you that are aware of your journey. She is very articulate at explaining the emotional aspects. ((hug))
Success ment in above post
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