First post .

First post .

Joined: March 23rd, 2011, 7:51 pm

March 23rd, 2011, 8:18 pm #1

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 23rd, 2011, 8:24 pm #2

I'm sorry you're in a situation where you can't count on support from family and friends. It would have been nice. (I'm also no-tell as far as my family goes but 3 friends know.) I hope you find what you're looking for very soon and wish you the best of luck! And, for what it's worth, I used an anonymous donor. No picture, nothing. I do believe the prenatal environment counts for a lot.
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Joined: March 23rd, 2011, 7:51 pm

March 23rd, 2011, 8:40 pm #3

Thanks anon . I hope posting here will help me from having a nervous breakdown .
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Joined: March 1st, 2010, 1:53 am

March 23rd, 2011, 10:35 pm #4

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
and I hope that your stay is short and successful. Hopefully you will find a good match soon with a donor. Keep looking until both of you feel comfortable with the choice.
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Joined: March 23rd, 2011, 7:51 pm

March 23rd, 2011, 11:05 pm #5

Thanks . That maybe the best option , though a part of me is anxious to move forward too .
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Mrs. M
Mrs. M

March 24th, 2011, 12:44 am #6

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
Yes the board has saved me from a breakdown or two. The ladies here are very knowledgable and supportive.
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Joined: October 22nd, 2010, 7:15 am

March 24th, 2011, 12:50 am #7

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
I agree that you should go with a donor with which you are both comfortable. Since this is a decision that will affect the rest of your live, when successful, you don't want to look back and think, why did I pick this donor or why didn't I pick that donor, if you weren't at least sold on them too.

Don't get me wrong. I think there are lots of women on the board who settled when it came to their donors (not that they weren't okay with their decisions), but they realized that moving forward more quickly was more important or they wanted to find someone who possessed the most important attributes on their list, but maybe not everything on their wish list. Let's face it. The donor will never be us, and most if not all of us would have been happiest if we were genetically linked to our child.

So, I guess the bottom line is that we all pretty much have to settle in some fashion or another. So you have to figure out what is truly the most important when looking for your donor, and what you can live without. Then the next step for me was feeling gratitude to that person we chose who is making a sacrifice to help me try to expand my family since my own body wasn't cooperating.

Although she is not a duplicate of me, she has a lot of strong characteristics that made me think that she would be someone I would like to know. Also a lot of her strengths were in the same areas where mine are. Her health history and that of her family is great as well. Also her social history is good. That was important to us as well, because I have tried to keep my body as healthy as I could over the years. I also was interested in someone who had sought some kind of higher education, whether that was college, in our ED's case it was, or technical school or trade school. To us it just showed an ability and want to achieve and learn, and a dedication to something, which would make us believe that she would be dedicated to follow the rigorous dosing schedule of a donor.

Again, these were my reasons, they may not be important to you or others as they choose donors, and that's okay. It's up to the individual or the couple what works for them.

The best to you, and welcome again!
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 24th, 2011, 12:57 am #8

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
I hope this place can keep you from having a nervous breakdown!

Are you Catholic? I didn't know of any other religions that condemned DE that weren't Catholic.

I don't know that many people suspect DE...How unlike you would the kid look if she had some of your husband in him or her? A lot of times, kids do look just like their fathers or they don't look like either parent.

I think it's probably important to feel good about the donor just because it will leave fewer unanswered questions in your head. If you are uneasy, pregnancy will be more stressful. But you will bond with your baby and they will be a real person and a lot of your questions will subside.

I really don't know anything about picking donors. I didn't have many to choose from. But I did get a chance to think about some of these issue when I did it.
Last edited by arive on March 24th, 2011, 12:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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E&H
E&H

March 24th, 2011, 1:13 am #9

Hello All . This is my first post and I am real glad to have found this forum . I have been lurking here for the past few days , finally got the courage to post . A little info about me . I am 37 yrs old with 6 failed IVF's with OE . The second and 6th one were chemicals , others BFN . I am seriously thinking about donor egg as our issue has been poor embryo quality in all of our cycles . We will have to be in the no tell camp considering that I belong to a culture that is not accepting of donoregg and a religion that has outright condemned it . I struggle each day with this . I have lost sense of religion and to some extent dont feel bothered with my decision , Its just that my family (mom and siblings) would not approve . I have not even discussed this with them or anyone else and feel very isolated . Since I seriously started thinking about donor egg , I have had nightmares of people finding out and ostracising us .
In the meantime we have been looking . Its been difficult due to my ethnicity(asian indian). I have found two donors that looked promising . One is quite goodlooking , better looking than dh and me and does not resemble either of us . I did not like the rest of her profile ( education/personality) . Donor number 2 has an excellent profile , seems bubbly/bright , but not much of a looker . I grade myself as above average in looks and dh as average . This donor I would rate as below average . Also she is significantly shorter than either of us . I am 5'4 , dh is 5'10 and donor is 5 . She has also had breast augmentation for practically nonexistent breasts(no offence meant , just a description). This donor does not resemble me , but I feel she has a generic look that would make her features merge with dh's so it would not be obvious we have used a donor .Dh prefers the first donor , I am not sure what to do . One option would be to wait and see if we get other/better donors but it is difficult to find donors in our community .what would you do .This feels like a group of very knowleadgeable and compassionate women and I would love to have your input .Thanks .
I totally understand about the culture/religion, I live and work in Asia although I'm from UK and although some families do accept donor IVF I do know that some Indian cultures are sometimes against it. Most of our Indian patients never tell family or friends but to be honest at your age no one is going to ask - I'm 46 and no one has ever asked me - even my closest friends or family.

As far as choosing a donor, I always think you have to choose someone you are happy with, someone you feel comfortable with in every aspect - I'm not saying she has to be a perfect mini you but you MUST feel happy and comfortable with your choice. Living in Asia I had a very difficult time to find caucasian donors and eventually I opted for a mixed donor Indian/caucasian (for my second cycle, first cycle donor was caucasian) but I was totally happy with her looks, loved per personality and FWIW she also had a breast augmentation but after she donated for me, her breasts were not small to start with - in my opinion they were perfect for her size.

Have you tried searching on surromomsonline for an Indian donor? There used to be a few on there although I've not checked for a long time but it may be worth you looking. You could always refer her direct to your clinic if there was someone you liked so she wouldn't have to know who you were.

Anyway, welcome and good luck.
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Joined: March 23rd, 2011, 7:51 pm

March 24th, 2011, 2:43 am #10

Yes the board has saved me from a breakdown or two. The ladies here are very knowledgable and supportive.
Thanks . It is a huge deal for me to have found this site . This is the only place where I can possibly talk about my issues other than with dh.
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