feeling depressed and old

feeling depressed and old

anon
anon

October 4th, 2011, 1:54 am #1

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
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Joined: December 8th, 2006, 6:35 am

October 4th, 2011, 2:01 am #2

If we succeed, I will be 45 when I give birth, and with our stats, who knows if a fresh will even work. I could easily be 46. I also feel out of sync with so many of our friends ahead of us (though not college ages kids! all my friends started late).

If our upcoming cycle does not work, honestly, I will rethink this whole thing and probably give up. We have been at it for 7 years.

However, I am feeling good, mentally and physically. The best thing I have done is get my health and house in as good of order as possible. I have been working out now for 3 months, mainly to have strength to get pregnant and carry a baby, but now I find I missed the workouts of my youth, and I like feeling physically strong. It brings a lot of happiness to my life.

And dh and I worked on our household finances, which created a level of peace which is usually impossible when you are paying for these treatments.

Finally, I am not close with them, but I do have a support group of women my age with similar issues. It really helps to have this group to go to. I really encourage you to find this, or create it through craigslist or something.

There are tough days ahead, but I am hoping that this focus on my health and well being will carry us forward.

I am sorry you feel the way you do, and yes, I do relate. Sending you hugs!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

October 4th, 2011, 2:21 am #3

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
Hi ya,
I hear you about being old etc. I was 46 when I got pg and am now 48 with a 10 month old.
Sure I saw young moms at the mother's group and at playgroup but I saw older moms too. My best friend is 38 and she is always saying she feels old. Well I'm 48 and if I wasn't sleep deprived I wouldn't feel old (weary) at all.
Don't compare yourself to younger moms as they are younger... and probably haven't the financial or emotional security you have.
Doesn't matter if you are over 50 or whatever when they graduate. Your child won't care as you are their mom.
If I start to feel old (weary) then I take more vitamin pills or rest more. I know the younger set at the mother's group do this too. Oh BTW mother's groups have a limited lifespan so don't worry about being surrounded by them for ages when they have outlived their usefulness then flick it off.
Sure others have had children while they were young but you haven't and thats that. You can't change it so don't think about it. It will be ok trust me, best, THK
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PAH
PAH

October 4th, 2011, 3:10 am #4

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
For me, they are such brief occurances. Somebody mistakes me for grandma, someone yammers a little too long on how old I will be when the kids are heading off to college, someone asks "who do these kids belong too" as they couldn't possibly belong to me. But it doesn't happen everyday, it doesn't even happen every week. In between, I get all this glorious time with two little pumpkins that are all mine. The sting of comments, the awkwardness of being older, the feeling of being different from peers currently feels so minor in the scheme of things. It is quickly washed away with the adventures of parenthood. My prediction is that you will be so busy enjoying the good stuff that you will quickly let go of the rest. Hugs. PAH
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Joined: August 21st, 2011, 7:59 pm

October 4th, 2011, 3:26 am #5

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
I may be old to be pregnant but I am not too old to be a mother. I will be 45 when I have my wee one and all I have heard from the folk I have told has been joy at my news. I too think once we have a kid, all our real fears about our children having an older parent will seem trivial in light of the love, stability and joy an older parent can bring go a child. Keep following your dream and it will happen.
take care of yourself.
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Hope2009
Hope2009

October 4th, 2011, 4:18 am #6

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
but I have to say you are not old...at least it is all relative isnt' it. I think you are what you think...or as Buddha said, "what you think you become"

I had our last OE baby at 43 and at the time I did think that I was old, so funny now looking back. Many of my friends were having their babies in their mid 30's and so I didn't feel so terribly old at the play groups etc. I met a lovely group of women at our local music school.

Of course most of my own age friends had teenagers and were definately over the baby stage...sadly I lost touch with many of them but you know one does find new friends to share moments with.

We chose to complete our family using DE's...our son was born when I was 49...and our twins daughters arrived last May when I was 51. I had very healthy pregnancies both times and I'm sure most people don't think I'm over 50...although lately I feel like I'm looking older...twins will do that to you,ha...but thankfully lately I'm back to my evening beauty routine and I'm really trying to loose those last 10 pounds...shouldn't be hard when they start crawling. I'm already noticing that my arm definating is fantastic from carrying to 12 pound babies around...and my little 2 year old keeps me running.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes we do loose some of our friends...but we make new ones and as long as you don't feel old you will fit in. I had two women over for tea last week...I don't know the age of one...she had her first baby when I had our little guy 2 years ago...she is probably in her 30's...but you know does it really matter. She is sweet, intelligent, funny...and something about her touches my soul which btw is ageless...and that is how I prefer to find my friends...let my spirit do the guiding.

My other friend just had her 3rd baby...her oldest is the same age as my little girl I had at 43...my Grace...and she herself is now 10 years younger than me...we are good friends. I too live in a very little town...not even the suburbs of a city. Most women have their babies in their 20's here, so I'm very unusual but I never let the fear of being older prevent me from living my dreams.

So try to find a mantra that builds your feelings of youth...I used to say, I am young, healthy and fertile..all the time...I had been listening to Dr. Wayne Dryer's CD "Power of Intention" as I drove all my kids around in the van...he really believes the Buddha quote...we can manifest what we think...so if you think you are young...you will feel young and you will attract the friends you are meant to walk your motherhood journey with...maybe they will be younger and maybe some of your wisdom is what they need...we are spirits first...living in an earth suit...and we are teaching...and learning...maybe you will learn some things from these younger women as well.

So good luck on your journey and I hope you come over to the pregnant and parenting over 50 board...you will be inspired I'm sure and there you will feel YOUNG.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

October 4th, 2011, 4:39 am #7

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
I won't lie to you - it really can be a dissatisfier. But it's also true that in the overall scheme of things, it's pretty minor. I would much rather have my boys, which I had via GS at age 48, than be the same age and not have them. The thing is, I am going to turn 50, or 55, or 60, or 65 anyway and I can age with two precious little boys to call me mommy, or not. I'd rather have them and be an older mother than not have them and conform to society's idea of what's a good age to be a mother. But yeah I know, if I had my druthers, I would have been successful in my thirties when I started trying. Things just didn't work out that way. I figure the positive in all this is that I will try harder to eat better and exercise and age more gracefully for their sakes.

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diaphanta
diaphanta

October 4th, 2011, 9:22 am #8

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
I had my DE baby when I was 45 and I am now 47. I am so happy to be a mother at last (like you, started trying in my 30's) I just can't be bothered to worry about what others think. Also I have found that people tend to assume I am younger as I have a young baby - and I don't correct them!

And as for friends, I relate to what Hope says about letting the spirit of someone guide you - my closest 'mother' friend who I met at playgroups is only 27 - 20 years younger than me! - she is a great, wise spirit and is a joy. We can talk like two teenagers!

One thing - while I was ttc and having continual setbacks I felt ancient. Unlike Minniet I just could not exercise or eat healthily - I tried really hard, but I lost hope and could not push myself. Just getting out of bed to go to work felt like an achievement. Now I have my dream EVERYTHING is so much easier - I take delight in my life, I do yoga, I cook beautiful meals, I buy flattering clothes, basically I am happy and my activities reflect this.

Keep your focus on your goal to have a baby - once you have this IMO - it all falls into place.

Wishing the pain of ttc stops soon and that you get your child. xx

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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

October 4th, 2011, 10:52 am #9

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
And there are times, though they are rare, when I question myself for wanting to try again, but I'm so very happy with my life. I am so glad I did this.

I once read about a woman who was went to medical school at an 'advanced' age. She said that when she had worried about being too old and said 'In 4 years, I'll be 44 years old!' a friend had asked her how old she'd be in 4 years if she DIDN'T go to medical school. (I know it doesn't fit your situation perfectly but it is something I try to remember whenever I think I'm too old for something.)

I want to try for a sib.

Good luck to you.
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Joined: August 17th, 2005, 11:44 pm

October 4th, 2011, 12:58 pm #10

I am 45. If I am successful, I will be 46. Is that too old? Just feel really out of place with everyone I know who is done already. Probably some of them are looking forward to sending their kids off to college in the next few years. And there I will be with a toddler. I imagine what it will be like in kindergarten on back to school night as a 50 year old. All the other mothers will be in their 30's. I started in my mid 30's but it just didn't work for me. I tried all types of treatments including immune and nothing worked. I live in the suburbs and everyone pretty much has their kids in their 30's. I know that in the cities, you see a lot of older parents, but here in the suburbs, you don't see much of it at all. I feel really out of place.
and sacrifice to have you children you will have a different outlook. I was a first time mom at 48. It was a long, hard 15 year struggle to get to that point. I now have a 1st grader, kindergartener and 2 year old in preschool, along with recently delivering twins. When I go to school functions, the ways I feel different are that the majority of the time I am more educated, patient and appreciative of my children. Although many of the parents are in their 20's most are out of shape and do not look very healthy. I am usually the most polished in terms of behavior and dress. Being a mom of advance maternal age (do not like these three words) I do what it takes to remain youthful in appearance and attitude. I find joy in the smallest things my children do.

Many times, in pregnancy, things can be explained away with the statement "it is because you are older." This is a huge mistake, because serious issues can be overlooked by this prejudice. Don't let anyone do this to you.

Remember, it is all a frame of mind. Think positive and be the best mommy you can be. If you a married, be the best wife and partner. All of this will give your child the best and happiest life and that is what it is all about.

I got this from a friend and I love it.
Someone once said, "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

Last edited by Kacee56 on October 4th, 2011, 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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