Does wanting the donor to look like me make me a selfish person?(child ment)

Does wanting the donor to look like me make me a selfish person?(child ment)

K
K

May 3rd, 2011, 1:51 pm #1

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
Quote
Share

Aufrecht
Aufrecht

May 3rd, 2011, 2:37 pm #2

Look-it sounds to me like this is important to you, and you already know that. So cut yourself some slack and just say, this is important to me. After having to give up your own genetics, go through this grueling process and stress, no one is going to judge you, except, it seems, you. So if you are willing to wait for a donor who fits your needs- health, looks, bloodtype, availability, etc...then just keep looking for a better fit.

Having said that however, consider ALL the people you know who ARE genetically related and look VERY little like each other. This can happen, that your kid will look like the donor's aunt and your DH grandfather and nothing like you or DH. My sister's son (not DE)looks NOTHING like her side of the family and very much like DH grandfather. Go figure.

Above all, lighten up on yourself. You are making the best decisions for your family that you possibly can, and on this board we will all recognise and respect that. Nobody is going to judge you here. We are all making the same really tough decisions too.
Quote
Share

Joined: April 14th, 2003, 10:59 pm

May 3rd, 2011, 2:59 pm #3

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
I think it is interesting how some people perceive third-party reproduction. I am always hearing the term "designer baby."

There is no perfect donor- because in a perfect world, there would be no donor and YOU would provide the egg!

So, of course you want someone who reminds you of you! Different things are important to different people. For some, it is eye color or height. For others, it may be education. I think everyone is concerned about health history.

I found it was easier not to know and never saw pictures. But, again, that was me- for some people, a picture is very important.

This is your decision- do not feel wrong that you are trying to match certain things.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

May 3rd, 2011, 3:08 pm #4

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
Clinics with their own donor pools that post extensive information and photos, sometimes even adult photos, do so exactly b/c it's important to people to find a donor who looks like them. And if you're no-tell, that's just being practical. The issue with wanting a donor who looks like you isn't that it's selfish to want it, it's how you prioritize your donor's characteristics. Most of us feel that using a proven donor is one way to help maximize your chances of success. And some women on this list have written that they put educational attainment or personality traits over physical appearance.

Now, if you want to cycle quickly or you have financial or emotional constraints that mean you need to try to have success in as few cycles as possible, then you have to really decide what your priority is. For me, it was getting pg as soon as possible, so I told my Czech clinic to put proven donor at the top of my donor wish list. Now, *sigh*, despite being told that my ED had brown eyes and hair, my twin boys have blue eyes and blond hair, although it was darker when they were born and I suspect it will be darker when they're older, probably about the color of DH's.

Blood type is obviously crucial if you're no-tell. If you really feel that uncomfortable with this donor, then maybe it's something inside you telling you to wait for another one.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
Quote
Like
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 3rd, 2011, 3:14 pm #5

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
I ran a family daycare for many years. I'd often pack the kids up and bring them to the park. It amazes me how many times I would be holding a child with similar coloring to mine and someone would say that my child looked "just like" me.

My son is not caucasian (adopted) and he was the ONLY child no one said that about LOL.

I think people tend to see connections and similarities even when they aren't truly there.

In fact, it happened just the other day with an acquaintence's two year old. A crossing guard commented that my daughter looked identical to me.

I had not even considered that I looked even remotely like this child, but after he said it I thought to myself, maybe I do....



Quote
Share

Malory
Malory

May 3rd, 2011, 3:14 pm #6

didn't mean to post anonymously...
Quote
Share

Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

May 3rd, 2011, 3:22 pm #7

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
Although some women care more, and some less, about if a child will resemble them or not, how you are feeling is normal. I wanted our donor to resemble me, and more importantly, to have my ethnicity (Italian and Czech). As it turns out, I think I looked at every donor possible in my area and the only one I found that was close (and that I liked) had donated to a couple and they had lost their baby at 15 weeks due to some abnormality. The genetic counselor suggested I pass on the donor even though it was not likely the abnormality would happen again. So...I got pretty frustrated and decided to just go for "young and proven and available to cycle immediately". She has my coloring and weight and height. Low and behold, one twin resembles her a bit, the other not at all, and neither boy looks a thing like my DH. So what I'm saying is, in some ways it is a total crap shoot, even if your child has your genetics. You have to somehow find a bit of peace in the unknown, you know? I know, easier said than done!
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

May 3rd, 2011, 3:23 pm #8

I ran a family daycare for many years. I'd often pack the kids up and bring them to the park. It amazes me how many times I would be holding a child with similar coloring to mine and someone would say that my child looked "just like" me.

My son is not caucasian (adopted) and he was the ONLY child no one said that about LOL.

I think people tend to see connections and similarities even when they aren't truly there.

In fact, it happened just the other day with an acquaintence's two year old. A crossing guard commented that my daughter looked identical to me.

I had not even considered that I looked even remotely like this child, but after he said it I thought to myself, maybe I do....


I went to a dance class where two adults whom I thought were a couple sometimes brought their young teenage daughter. I said to the mom, "Gosh, your daughter sure favors her father," (and what I didn't say for obvious reasons was that I thought the daughter looked like the man I thought was her father, but not much like her) but the woman replied that she and the man accompanying her weren't a couple, just housemates.

A few people have told me one or the other of my twins look like me, and it's almost poignant. They don't look a whit like me. It's always a little nicer when we're out in public with DH as Freddy, at least, does look a bit like him, so it tends to deflect that kind of groping to see the resemblance to me.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

May 3rd, 2011, 5:05 pm #9

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
who looked like me. Since we were "tell," we weren't concerned with blood type. Anyway, we picked someone who could have been my cousin in looks, but it tuned out that neither of our kids look like me. They don't look like the donor either.

Genetics is a crapshoot!!!
Quote
Like
Share

Sarah
Sarah

May 3rd, 2011, 7:23 pm #10

So I found a donor with my blood type and she somewhat looks like me. Health history is good which was actually my top thing I was looking for. Am I bad to be worried about if the child will look like me and siblings? Does it make me shallow? This is all so new to me. I'm so very thankful that this 21 year old is willing to do this. My mind can't stop being concerned about the looks. We're going to be No Tell so it seems really important to me. There was one donor that looks wise was closer to me, but she had the wrong blood type. Has anyone else felt like this? I'm not a bad person, but feeling this way is making me question myself... Is this normal? Thanks...
the donor for my DS was known and she looks enough like me to be my sister but my DS looks NOTHING like her or me, the donor for my DD was anon but the nurse tried to dissuade me from my choice because the donor looked nothing like me, I went ahead with my choice and my DD is the spitting image of me as a baby. Like the other ladies have mentioned, it's all just a crapshoot.
Quote
Share