does anyone have crazy thoughts like these(ev ment)

does anyone have crazy thoughts like these(ev ment)

Anonymous
Anonymous

February 5th, 2011, 5:20 pm #1

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
Quote
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

February 5th, 2011, 5:33 pm #2

the paranoia was strong that there was something dreadfully wrong with me and it would never work. I also had OE pgs that didn't work out and then after my first DE cycle ended in chemical I was very upset and vulnerable. I feel like that put me in a position to fall for various snake-oil theories and extensive testing and treatments not recommended by REs. Once one of these quacks suggested that perhaps I was allergic to HCG, and then I was beside myself that yes I was allergic to pregnancy itself. (BTW my RE had to talk me down that I was not allergic to HCG since I had been through OEIVF with trigger shots of HCG and did not have an allergic reaction. Duh).

But in the end I was fine, DE eventually worked on a later FET, it was a statistical thing where DE doesn't always work and I was on the wrong side of the stats at first. Cold comfort when it takes such great effort. If I could do my first cycle again I would go to a top clinic with a near 80% success rate to improve my chances so I wouldn't fall into such a funk of self-blame when it just didn't work the first time.
Quote
Share

Anonymous
Anonymous

February 5th, 2011, 5:36 pm #3

i really do think i am losing all perspective on reality and i am worried that all this negative thinking will just compound the issue! thank you for letting me know I am not alone xxx
Quote
Share

binna
binna

February 5th, 2011, 6:53 pm #4

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
i know i haven't actually done the DE experience yet but since i started this whole infert. journey i have thoughts that this is a "sign" that i am going to have some crazy disease, too, in the near future and this is the universe's way of keeping me from bringing a child into my (the) world and then not having a mother. so, you are not alone. it's weird that i even think that way because i am such a logical person with a science background.

geeze-it is so nice to know we are not crazy when others here can tell us they have had the same thoughts or feelings.

Quote
Share

diaphanta
diaphanta

February 5th, 2011, 7:29 pm #5

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
Please don't try to do this. Infertility is horrible. Concentrate on being authentic - even if you feel sad, negative and/or angry as hell.

Being positive and thinking good thoughts will not help your outcome, honestly. I was the most negative person on God's earth after 6 years of failed fertility treatments and recurrent m/c, and still found success.

Trying to suppress your bad thoughts will only drive you mad. It was a good day for me when I finally realized this. Look after yourself. xxx
Quote
Share

Joined: July 23rd, 2008, 6:49 am

February 6th, 2011, 3:34 am #6

I get so fed up with the think positive stuff because it only adds more stress to the person who is suffering under such a heavy load, and then when things fail, is it because you didn't think positive enough?

I read an article in the NYT a couple years ago written by a woman who was dying of cancer and she said the hardest thing to deal with was all those people who would tell her to think positive and "have hope" because it was so wearying to try to do that. Also there was just a recent article about a study done that showed that being optimistic doesn't actually change outcomes.

I found that being able to be honest with myself and trusted friends/family was so important and sometimes was all I had left.

To Anonymous, many women here had multiple failures before they had success, so you aren't alone. And some of us did find out we had an undiagnosed condition after years of seeing doctors who failed to detect it. It can go both ways, but I think one failed fresh DE cycle, as awful as that is emotionally, is not enough for you to give up faith in your body yet. Hang in there!

Quote
Like
Share

Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

February 6th, 2011, 5:20 am #7

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
I think when it doesnt happen we search for reasons. It will happen one way or another. Have you had immune testing done if not then do so b/f your nxt cycle.
Also get your thyroid checked, believe!
best TH
Quote
Like
Share

Orchid
Orchid

February 6th, 2011, 7:08 am #8

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
It's interesting because this week especially I thought: I can't handle this, mentally. I'm losing it, pretty much.

My main problem is probably a reaction to the meds plus a touch of SAD. But it's also the heartache, the longing, the stress, the uncertainty.

How could this not drive a person crazy? It takes an amazing person not to crack at times under these circumstances.

Please keep hoping, keep your spirits up. It can happen. I'm sorry for all you've been through.
Quote
Share

Joined: December 29th, 2010, 1:57 pm

February 6th, 2011, 3:25 pm #9

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
I feel the same way.... I was never lucky to have my OE to respond, so I get scared that my body will reject the DE just like the OE. HUGS!
Last edited by lenebene on February 12th, 2011, 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 12th, 2004, 4:42 pm

February 8th, 2011, 1:49 pm #10

i have done 4 OEivfs and one DEivf and about to do my first DEFET but I constantly worry that I will never have a baby cos my body knows more than me or the drs as in i have a really serious disease that hasn't been detected yet but my body knows it and isn't allowing the pregnancies.
I swear i might be losing my marbles ugh I hate this bloody journey.
I have been preg 4 times but alas nothing to show for all my struggles. i try and stay positive and think good thoughts but its so bloody difficult.
this board really helps me to function on a daily basis - if i didn't have this board i might be taken away by the men in white coats!!!!
My journey was very long, like yours, and it's just so natural to think "there's something wrong with me, maybe I'm not "meant" to have a child", etc, etc. Horrible thoughts. I agree with Diaphanta that you have to feel what you feel, and acknowledge the place you're in (the good and the bad). But, for me, it did help to try to counterbalance all those fearful, negative feelings with positive affirmations of why I felt called to be a mother, and why I thought I would be a good one. If it's any comfort to you, many of us on the pink board went through all of that, some of us through several unsuccessful DE cycles, until finally, *finally*, it worked. The key is persistence; that's what this journey has taught me.

Maya
Last edited by Maya3 on February 8th, 2011, 1:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share