did any of you feel sad ..

did any of you feel sad ..

Anonymous
Anonymous

March 19th, 2011, 10:06 pm #1

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
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Ariadne
Ariadne

March 19th, 2011, 10:41 pm #2

Initially I felt sad & resigned. We moved to DE when I was 35 b/c it offered us the best chance at parenthood & we were self-pay with 2 failed ivf cycles under our belts. A 3rd was a bust while we waited to do our DE cycle.

My dh was angry & sad. I don't recall being angry, but I was resigned & sad. I cried when I went through the donor profiles mailed to us by our clinic. Still, we selected one & moved forward.

The turning point for me was when the cycle failed. It was devastating & from that point on, I wanted nothing more than for a cycle to work & the sadness was replaced by panic.

Regardless of our histories, feeling sad is not unusual at all. For some women, like me, it fades away never to return. For others, there will always be a twinge of something. However, it is very, very unusual for women to have regrets. In the years I've been on these boards, I recall 2 posters who actually regretted doing DE. The rest do not regret their children & would not undo anything, even if they do still mourn on some level.

FWIW, I know of many women, including some I correspond with off the boards, who had to mourn moving from their eggs to DE. It was a process & not an easy one, but now, they are nothing but happy. The sadness, the grief, the shock. All of that is like a distant dream, something you know you once felt but can no longer actually feel.

I can't say you will get over feeling sad, but you certainly may. The women on here represent a whole range of feelings, but again, I can only recall 2 women who actually posted about regretting their decision.

If you are just now dipping your toes in the water, it is definitely a process & a strange one at first. I remember thinking I would never do DE if my ivf cycles failed. DE seemed weird. But when ivf failed with my own eggs, I changed my mind rather suddenly. It still seemed weird then, but once that 1st DE cycle failed & now, having been successful, it doesn't seem remotely weird.

Good luck to you!
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Anon
Anon

March 20th, 2011, 12:02 am #3

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
I didn't marry until later in life, so I figured I would adopt. When I got to my mid-thirties, and still not married, I mentally said "goodbye" to my genetics.

I didn't know about the DE option, but was grateful for it when I found out that I could still have a chance to become pregnant and carry a child.
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Anon
Anon

March 20th, 2011, 12:15 am #4

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
(and awful) medicine for any sadness over genetics. In my experience Adriane exactly right, once that first cycle failed, all I wanted was a baby.
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CatMama75
CatMama75

March 20th, 2011, 1:15 am #5

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
Hi Anon,

Not sure how far you are into this process, but your feelings are normal. Who spends their life dreaming of having a family with donor eggs? No one, in my opinion.

The decision to pursue DE, especially if it's not a choice, is tough. Sifting through donor profiles was at first, for me, sickening. I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) understand why a woman would want to donate eggs (unless they've known someone afflicted with IF or illness).

I was told at age 30 that DE was my only hope -- no explanations, no causes, no answers ... just told to accept it -- so the feeling of being robbed was so horrible for me. You reach a point, like other posters have stated, when you just want a family. You just want to feel normal. If you are lucky enough for your cycle to work the first time, the pregnancy will make you feel like a "normal" fertile woman... I found everyone fawing over me, especially because I was carrying twins. THe most bizarre comments: "You're having TWINS??? You must be soooooo fertile!!" I wanted to die.

My twin girls are beautiful, precious gifts. I love, love, LOVE them and would never, EVER regret them. They are the children I was meant to have. But I'd be lying if I said I don't still mourn my genetics... what could have, should have been. I wish I could say the pain has disappeared, but it has only minimized. And sometimes, it becomes more acute, like when people (who don't know) say "they look nothing like you..." or when people who do know deliberately say nothing. The egg shells are there.

You'll come to embrace DE in your own time. When the options that used to terrify you seem appealing, it's time to move forward. You will, too. But don't beat yourself up for feeling victimized. It's one thing when you deliberately wait to have children later in life or when circumstances like marrying late make family building difficult/impossible; it's different when you are told in your late 20's that you are menopausal. It's beyond unfair.

In the end, DE gave me my family and my life back. It's a beautiful option, and I'm grateful that I live in a time when the option exists. I often think of the pain felt by women in the decades past who were given zero options... that pain must have been paralyzing.

I wish you luck as you come to terms.

xoxo,
Cat
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CatMama75
CatMama75

March 20th, 2011, 2:00 am #6

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
Hi Anon,

Not sure how far you are into this process, but your feelings are normal. Who spends their life dreaming of having a family with donor eggs? No one, in my opinion.

The decision to pursue DE, especially if it's not a choice, is tough. Sifting through donor profiles was at first, for me, sickening. I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) understand why a woman would want to donate eggs (unless they've known someone afflicted with IF or illness).

I was told at age 30 that DE was my only hope -- no explanations, no causes, no answers ... just told to accept it -- so the feeling of being robbed was so horrible for me. You reach a point, like other posters have stated, when you just want a family. You just want to feel normal. If you are lucky enough for your cycle to work the first time, the pregnancy will make you feel like a "normal" fertile woman... I found everyone fawing over me, especially because I was carrying twins. THe most bizarre comments: "You're having TWINS??? You must be soooooo fertile!!" I wanted to die.

My twin girls are beautiful, precious gifts. I love, love, LOVE them and would never, EVER regret them. They are the children I was meant to have. But I'd be lying if I said I don't still mourn my genetics... what could have, should have been. I wish I could say the pain has disappeared, but it has only minimized. And sometimes, it becomes more acute, like when people (who don't know) say "they look nothing like you..." or when people who do know deliberately say nothing. The egg shells are there.

You'll come to embrace DE in your own time. When the options that used to terrify you seem appealing, it's time to move forward. You will, too. But don't beat yourself up for feeling victimized. It's one thing when you deliberately wait to have children later in life or when circumstances like marrying late make family building difficult/impossible; it's different when you are told in your late 20's that you are menopausal. It's beyond unfair.

In the end, DE gave me my family and my life back. It's a beautiful option, and I'm grateful that I live in a time when the option exists. I often think of the pain felt by women in the decades past who were given zero options... that pain must have been paralyzing.

I wish you luck as you come to terms.

xoxo,
Cat
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 20th, 2011, 2:35 am #7

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
I'm excited to have a baby though--if things ever go my way.

I'm sad for the actual losses and for the lost opportunity. And that I have to really let that go and forget about that desire.

I would be really surprised if no one felt that way.

But if you want to have a child then you would be excited at the prospect of getting pregnant. That's where people get excited--when people get pregnant. And that IS exciting!!!

No one's too excited about the rest of it. But being a mom to a child? That's what we want!
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Joined: September 6th, 2007, 1:40 am

March 20th, 2011, 3:26 am #8

Hi Anon,

Not sure how far you are into this process, but your feelings are normal. Who spends their life dreaming of having a family with donor eggs? No one, in my opinion.

The decision to pursue DE, especially if it's not a choice, is tough. Sifting through donor profiles was at first, for me, sickening. I couldn't (and sometimes still can't) understand why a woman would want to donate eggs (unless they've known someone afflicted with IF or illness).

I was told at age 30 that DE was my only hope -- no explanations, no causes, no answers ... just told to accept it -- so the feeling of being robbed was so horrible for me. You reach a point, like other posters have stated, when you just want a family. You just want to feel normal. If you are lucky enough for your cycle to work the first time, the pregnancy will make you feel like a "normal" fertile woman... I found everyone fawing over me, especially because I was carrying twins. THe most bizarre comments: "You're having TWINS??? You must be soooooo fertile!!" I wanted to die.

My twin girls are beautiful, precious gifts. I love, love, LOVE them and would never, EVER regret them. They are the children I was meant to have. But I'd be lying if I said I don't still mourn my genetics... what could have, should have been. I wish I could say the pain has disappeared, but it has only minimized. And sometimes, it becomes more acute, like when people (who don't know) say "they look nothing like you..." or when people who do know deliberately say nothing. The egg shells are there.

You'll come to embrace DE in your own time. When the options that used to terrify you seem appealing, it's time to move forward. You will, too. But don't beat yourself up for feeling victimized. It's one thing when you deliberately wait to have children later in life or when circumstances like marrying late make family building difficult/impossible; it's different when you are told in your late 20's that you are menopausal. It's beyond unfair.

In the end, DE gave me my family and my life back. It's a beautiful option, and I'm grateful that I live in a time when the option exists. I often think of the pain felt by women in the decades past who were given zero options... that pain must have been paralyzing.

I wish you luck as you come to terms.

xoxo,
Cat
It's funny but I can totally imagine myself doing that when I was younger. If someone had asked me, I would have definitely considered it.

There are tons of reasons--you have something other people need, you're young, it would make you feel good to do it, you get a bit of money from it...

I think the idea of being fecund and generous is very appealing to women.

Lots of men donate sperm--and I don't think it's that different.

You have this incredibly valuable thing to someone else and it is appealing to transfer it to them in some way--The effects on your life are minimal and the effects on their life could be incredibly beneficial. It is a little bit like being personally desired--this aspect of you is desirable. You are helping someone else and you actually benefit to some extent yourself. I think it would be a very attractive option for a lot of people. People like being generous. They like having beneficial effects in the world--and then you actually get some money for doing it, which is rare.

But of course, I don't really know why people do it. I am just guessing. From a few donor profiles I read, I got the feeling the proven donors felt good about themselves--they felt good about the fact they had this 'ability' and they also helped other people.
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Bharani
Bharani

March 20th, 2011, 4:28 am #9

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
I could say from June 2007 till summer of 2009. I was walking, going to work but not mormal person. Honestly, if I would have gone to mental clinic maybe they would have catagorize me"not nomal". Crying non-stop. Call daily my birth country and cry over the phone but didn't tell why I was crying. I have only brothers and sisters, no parent.
Eventually, I got tired of the negative outcomes. And wasting money. I was ready for de long before dh. I tried couple more low stim cycle. What is important now for me is to experience being woman. carrying the pg, baby growing inside me and delivering. You have to think about people who had some other type of disease but are worst than us. It is horrible this journey. But I hope the problem stops there for us. Because there are alot of worst than IF. I am glad we have DE option.
I hope I didn't offend anyone.
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Newbie
Newbie

March 20th, 2011, 4:03 pm #10

when you got to the point of DE? I feel very sad to have to go to DE. I see many of the women here who seem to be excited. I don't feel that at all. I feel very sad and wonder why it had to get to this point.
Like catmama, I was told at a younger age that DE would be my only hope after the m/c my own baby at tweleve week... I felt like God gave me a death sentence. I have been depressed about it and did everything I could to try with my OE. But at the end of the day, I only want to have a child. So as I embark on this DE process, yes I am excited now b/c I am close to achieving a dream someone take for granted. My heart has had to accept this could be the only way. A few weeks ago I posted an entry that asked if the folks who had success at DE thought it was meant to be and I think it is.
I think you have every right to feel sad. If you talked to me a few years ago I was a completely different person. I think as you go thru your struggle you will gain a new perspective. You will never not feel sad, that will never go away. I wish you the best. This is a great sounding board. I wish I found it a few years ago.
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