DH doesn't understand

DH doesn't understand

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

February 29th, 2012, 9:09 am #1

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
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Anonymous
Anonymous

February 29th, 2012, 3:53 pm #2

So sorry it is a difficult situation, maybe just look into using a donor in another country and proceed so siblings can be closer in age..
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Anonymous
Anonymous

February 29th, 2012, 3:53 pm #3

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
So sorry it is a difficult situation, maybe just look into using a donor in another country and proceed so siblings can be closer in age..
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Joined: December 21st, 2011, 7:41 pm

February 29th, 2012, 3:54 pm #4

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
I'm sorry you're having a rough time- it'll get easier - but you absolutely have to let your husband in so you can share this together and support each other. You say he doesn't understand - and you say you put up a wall - how could he understand if you're afraid to be honest with him?

Give yourself some credit - I'm sure you married a great guy, so take a deep breath, get your thoughts together, and put everything out in the open & give him a chance to vent too. Wives & husbands deal with this stuff in different ways, but I'm sure he would like your support too.

What makes you scared to be honest with your husband? Try not think of it as "confronting" it with him - just have a conversation and listen to each other. How does he feel about your sister donating? Ask lots of questions and get lots of feedback - if you guys are on the same page then it will be easier to move forward.

You just found out last month - I promise, it really does get easier with time & I personally felt a lot better when we started the process of selecting a donor - but that was nearly a year ago and now we're finally doing our first cycle right now.

Good luck!
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Aufrecht
Aufrecht

February 29th, 2012, 5:56 pm #5

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
It sounds like you are in grief, not obsession. He has not lost his genetic connection to his future kids. Period. He is not in the same place you are. That is what you have to talk about.

It sound like, in choosing DE, you are the one who is losing that genetic connection. There is a very normal and deep grief that goes with this for many people. It takes a while and some remnants may remain for years or forever...it is a very individual thing.

Look into a donor who is not 3 years away from donating, even if it is not your sister. Just knowing you have that option, and that it is a real possibility for you may help lighten your feelings. Keep talking to him. Keep talking to us. Many many of us have been there. I will be thinking of you and hoping you are making it through this.

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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

February 29th, 2012, 7:06 pm #6

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
Having gone through it pretty recently, I totally understand what you're feeling. My grief was so overwhelming that at times that I didn't know how to deal with it except by putting up walls and trying to keep myself so busy I didn't have to think about it. Nights were hell because as soon as I got into bed with nothing to do, my brain went crazy and sleep was impossible... For me, the grief was about a couple different things: First, I was in shock that my ovaries had failed, that I was basically in menopause at 36 (and probably had been for years). My doctors were talking about osteoporosis and hormone replacement therapy and many other problems associated with menopause that I was NOT ready to think about! Second, I was grieving the loss of that baby I could never have - I couldn't believe that I would be unable to ever have children of my own. I had waited too long (not by choice, which is what everyone thinks), but because life doesn't always work out perfectly, and now I was screwed. I knew my DH loved ME and that kids were not a condition of our marriage, but I also knew how badly he wanted a baby.

I'm not sure men can ever really understand these things. Not the way we can. I know my DH was grieving, too, but it was different. HIS body hadn't failed, HIS ability to pass on his genes was still alive and well... So unfair. I think I was scared to tell him just how badly I was hurting because I was terrified to admit how desperately I wanted a child.. I knew our options were either DE or adoption and I had decided in my mind that DE was the ONLY option (for now, at least). What if he wouldn't agree to it? At the time, I felt like I honestly didn't know if I could go on if he said no...

When I first told him I needed to talk about other options for having kids, he said he wasn't ready. He said he needed time. When I asked how much, he actually said 6 months. That, to me, was a joke - there was no way I could wait 6 months. He thought I was obsessing, but I told him part of MY grieving process was having a plan of action. I needed to know what was coming next. That's just me, but I could not move on or even try to get past my grief if I didn't know where we were going. The 6 months turned into about 6 days and after several discussions and lots of tears, we agreed on DE.

A funny thing happened after that... He became even more convinced about DE than I was. As soon as he decided it would be ok (and realized I was ok with him having the "unfair advantage" of a genetic connection), he was 100% ready, right then and right there. Even though I knew it was what I wanted, I was still scared and hesitant, but his enthusiasm helped push me through it.

All of this is just to say - Talk To Him. It will be ok. He's your husband and he loves you and you will get through this together. Just figure out what you want to say (write it down if you need to) and have that conversation, as hard as it might be.

Sorry to be so long-winded. Good luck.
Leigh
Last edited by leigh74 on February 29th, 2012, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Piper
Piper

February 29th, 2012, 7:14 pm #7

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
Men and women process emotions differently but you probably know that. In this case, it is very important that the two of you be in agreement on some big issues that you will deal with using DE-IVF that are different but still in addition to, the issues you already face with infertility.

You had mentioned that your sister offered to donate--which is a lovely thing for her to offer. He needs to be part of this decision as well as your sister's dh. Do you think this could be part of his reticence to talk?

I would suggest that the two of you have a few sessions with a therapist who deals with infertility and ART issues. It will give you a safe place for both of you to understand the other person's grief and work through any other issues. As well, he or she will bring up important topics that the two of you need to discuss: namely, are you going to tell the child about his or her genetics?

As well, if your sister can donate, both she and her husband need to talk with an ART therapist. And the four of you need to understand the boundaries. (you will also need an ART attorney to do contracts that address all issues)

Right now, though, the two of you need to talk. And the best way to facilitate that is with an approriate therapist.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

February 29th, 2012, 8:04 pm #8

I know I'm posting a lot and I appreciate the support, but I need to vent!

Since getting the news in January that I can no longer conceive my own child, I put up a wall that seems to be crashing down only now. Initially, he was worried that I wasn't coping with it, but now that I am, he just can't understand and I'm under a lot of pressure to talk to him. I kind of promised I would tomorrow, but I'm scared of being honest with him.

He is desperate for another child and although he hasn't said this, I overheard him talking to his mum saying how badly he wants one. I know is is tough for him, but he just can't understand what this is like for me, not like you guys do anyway.

At the moment, I have to keep my brain occupied just to stop myself from crying. This means that I'm always busy around the house and if I do give myself a chance to sit down, I'm usually watching TV and playing sudoku at the same time or folding washing. Either way, I'm apparently very quiet and closed off.

The only times I have brought it up in conversation, it's usually to tell him about info I've received from this forum and then he accuses me of obsessing. How do I make him understand without making him panic?

He's been on night shift the past week (he's a cop), so I haven't really had to confront it with him since I started feeling it, but he's on 6 days leave as of tomorrow morning so I'm going to have to talk about it.

Help!

TTC for 3.5 yrs from age 27
4 rounds on clomifene
2 MC
About to start IVF when...
DD OE 3.5yrs old now
TTC 2.5 yrs for #2
2 rounds of clomifene BFN
1 MC
Using DE from sister possibly
So I guess honesty is the best policy. I'm only scared of being honest because then I have to tell him that I'm still not certain I want to go through with it. I look at my little girl and think I can't possibly love another child as much unless it's mine. I just need more time to decide and I guess that's why at this point, I'm quite happy to wait for my sister as it takes the pressure off.

But then there are other times where I desperately want to have another child, no matter the genetics! It's such a roller coaster isn't it?

DH is a logical thinker and he has been very supportive and given me the space I need to deal with the issues that he doesn't have to which seem to have taken precedence, namely the loss of MY fertility. His patience is running out though and I think he just wants to move on to the next step.

We had an extremely rough year like many in Christchurch. We had a very badly damaged home and spent most of last year living in what is known here as a red zone (suburb to be abandoned and demolished due to severe land damage). This meant no toilet, bar a portaloo outside and a camping toilet for night use, power that came and went along with the heat, flooding in winter and constant dust or mud due to the silt that rose out of the ground. DD was extremely traumatized and wasn't sleeping, my husband and I were very stressed waiting for government intervention and insurance stuff. On top of that, my husband had a completely false complaint made against him by a terrible person which had him working in reception for six months rather than working as a real cop (they take these complaints very seriously over here). This has since sorted it's self out and we have now moved with a generous insurance payout. Things were looking up and then this news came!

I think it's just all become too much to deal with, but I will take your advice and share this with him and hope for the best. I admire all of you who have gone through this for so much longer than I have. I have to cling to the fact that this too will pass and that perhaps one day I can help someone like you have supported me. Thanks
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

February 29th, 2012, 9:13 pm #9

But I just wanted to point out that using DE is not 'unable to have a child of my own'. I think
this is all still so fresh to you and you've had such a crap year that it may
be impossible to comprehend that these children, whether brought to us via
DE or adoption or surrogacy are very much our own. They are certainly no one else's!
Hang in there honey.
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Joined: August 20th, 2009, 7:03 pm

March 1st, 2012, 12:59 am #10

It sounds like you are in grief, not obsession. He has not lost his genetic connection to his future kids. Period. He is not in the same place you are. That is what you have to talk about.

It sound like, in choosing DE, you are the one who is losing that genetic connection. There is a very normal and deep grief that goes with this for many people. It takes a while and some remnants may remain for years or forever...it is a very individual thing.

Look into a donor who is not 3 years away from donating, even if it is not your sister. Just knowing you have that option, and that it is a real possibility for you may help lighten your feelings. Keep talking to him. Keep talking to us. Many many of us have been there. I will be thinking of you and hoping you are making it through this.
You articulate exactly what I would say, too.

xo
cat
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