DE with known donor ?

DE with known donor ?

Joined: September 6th, 2009, 7:55 am

November 27th, 2010, 1:20 pm #1

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
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Nikki
Nikki

November 27th, 2010, 4:12 pm #2

I was like you and the only way I could use DE is to have a known donor. I found her on surromomsonline and we were still trying with our own eggs while we got to know eachother with her school and us still trying we spent a year getting to know eachother. Finally when the cycle was to begin I got pregnant but went on to lose that baby. We scrambled but were able to do the cycle before my donor went back to school. We have a 7 1/2 year old DE son. Then our first FET we had our second DE son. We still keep in contact though not as much. She made everything easy for me allowing as much or as little contact. She is an amazing women and she is like a sister to me. We met in person on her retrieval as we both traveled to a different state to do the proceedure. For me it was the only way! Good luck and let me know if I can help in any other way!
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

November 27th, 2010, 4:51 pm #3

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
I used an anon clinic donor and now really regret it. I know a fair number of moms who feel the same way. I applaud you for going this route. Most clinic programs are anon but I believe some do have at least a handful of donors who are willing to meet once, be contacted in the future, etc. You'll have to ask. Agencies are more expensive but are more likely to have a larger pool of donors who are willing to have some contact. You'll just have to do your research. Good luck!
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Hope2009
Hope2009

November 27th, 2010, 5:46 pm #4

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
since I live in Canada where it is illegal to pay for egg donation there aren't any agencies set up at least in Western Canada and our fertility clinic don't have in house donors...you have to find your own known donor.

At first I thought this would be our biggest hurdle b/c like you I had no one in our life who we could ask to do this for us....nor did we want our friends and family to know about our journey.

I met a wonderful woman in my province who was also looking for a donor and she was a bit ahead of me in the process so she helped give us some ideas of what to do....she herself found her donor on craigslist...she was a unproven donor who was a student...late 20's and she too was wanting to find someone who would be doing the donation for reasons other than just money. They had a great cycle and she got pg with a SET on their fresh cycle.

They then went forward and did a SET with a FET and recently gave birth to another baby...plus she referred her donor to another friend who also got pg on her first cycle...talk about excellent luck...and it didn't cost her an arm and a leg...in Canada you pay for the donor's expenses only and they found a donor who lived in the same city as their clinic was at so the expenses were low...she did the cycle over the University's reading week.

They did give their donor a gift but it was low in my opinion.

We decided to put a few ads in....on the great eggs website...and on the Ivf connections web site and the later one was where our donor found us....we had lots of responses but most of the donor's didn't live in our area so we would have to fly them in...some had children so we would have to pay for their child care expenses while they cycled....our donor was just perfect.

She resembled me in looks, we shared a lot of the same interests, music, yoga, and she also had such a loving energy about her...although she needed money to pay off school debts she just really wanted to help out a couple which I loved about her. We used to say that our soulbaby brought us together...he liked her genetic material and he liked my nurturing abilities so he chose us to come together.

I met our donor early in the year and we had an email relationship since at the time she didn't live in the country...and then she moved back in April started doing the testing, and in June we started getting in sync together...we cycled in July.

Our donor was young...just 22 and unproven but she led such a healthy lifestyle...biking 10 km to work and back every day...she ate well....lived a very holistic lifestyle. We had a great batch of eggs with a high fertilization rate but we didn't have success in our fresh cycle.

I was with our donor when she did the retrieval...held her hand and she had a lot of pain from the retrieval...she was so bloated and she had a bad reaction to the pain meds they gave her...her blood pressure dropped while she was in retrieval and she passed out....I WATCHED as the Dr. and nurse quickly and efficiently ran around and revived her with meds but boy was there tension in the room

She didn't get OhSS but it was close and she was hospitalized over the weekend due to the pain....my Dr. said she was just fragile...I GUESS that meant low pain tolerance.

Anyway...I FELT so guilty and I THINK that played into the stress I FELT going into our fresh transfer....we ended up having a chem m/c. Our donor was so sad....but we did have a batch of frozen embies which we moved forward with quickly and a few months later we were pg with our first DE baby. And now...we are pg again with twins from another FET.....so I would say we are one of those success stories...plus I have such amazing memories of our donor...we got to love her...over the course of those 6 months she was in our life.

For our little ones first Christmas she sent us a recording of her singing Silent Night while her dad played the guitar....it was magically and so special. Although she hasn't been in our lives since I told her I WOULD be happy to give her updates but she said...no she was just happy to know that our soulbaby came through and he is loved.

So having a known donor can be a wonderful part of the journey...at least in my experience it was so amazing....and I have great things to tell our son and the twins one day about this angel who came into our livees to help create their 'EARTH SUITS'....there was so much love before and during their creation that they couldn't help but glow in it.

Well that has been my experience....I did meet another couple recently who were also working with our clinic...they too wanted to find someone who had alturistic reason for donating...personally I THINK they just didn't want to give their donor too much of a gift...but they finally found a 33 year old donor but she didn't produce very many eggs and they ended in a chemical and they only had one frozen blast to work with. I think you have to really decide if it is the person....or the health of their eggs...in our case we were able to find both qualities we wanted but Ijust caution you....find someone you like...but someone who is very healthy and is young enough to produce a good batch of blasts for you....sometimes when we work with known donor's our relationship and how we feel about them overrides maybe how they will cycle...so try to remember that as you chooose....and then sometimes AT LEast in our case...I THINK our soulbaby helps bring us together to create the magic.

Good luck on your journey...sorry for the novella but while I was going through this process I found this sort of thing enormously helpful.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

November 27th, 2010, 11:19 pm #5

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
Our first donor was experienced, and we met her on Surromomsonline.com. We exchanged emails and photos for about a year, due to various postponements by our clinic. We also spoke to her by phone a few times (very important for us). My husband took her and her husband to lunch following the donation. Although the donation was unsuccessful, our donor went on to donate two more times successfully and we have maintained contact.

Our second donor we met through an agency, and she also was experienced and agreed to be a known donor. We exchanged a few emails and a phone call, and my husband took her to dinner the night following the donation. We have maintained contact a by email, and my husband took her to lunch with the twins when we were visiting her area, 1000 miles from where we live.

We only wanted a known donor, and had they not agreed to be known we would have found someone else. We wanted to speak to them on the phone to get some idea of how well they could converse.

I am not ready to meet our donor in person, but hubby enjoys it and likes showing off the twins.
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Joined: August 24th, 2009, 7:49 am

November 28th, 2010, 8:48 am #6

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
so I can't be much help on the finding of one but just wanted to say so far it has been worth it having known donor. She has given me great support and encouragement and her parents even came to support at egg pick up time.
I feel like she is a very close friend and we are sharing the parenting journey together - she has young family too.
I have responded to your post above too.
Just wanted to add support for this route and not to give up search. It gives me reassurance to know my kids will know their genetic origins and relatives and know they were born out of care and compassion one family to another.
In my view there are far worse stories of how and why you came into the world and even if my kids don't always see it that way, that doesn't alter the facts. My donor is a wonderful lady.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

November 28th, 2010, 9:17 pm #7

Hi all

It's been really helpful reading all your posts and the process towards trying DE to be a mother. I have a question for those of you who've used a known donor.

I've got strong feelings (for myself) that I want to have a known donor. I am single, using a sperm donor already, and have found it enormously helpful that the clinic I use for sperm has online (downloadable) discussions with the sperm donors talking about why they choose to donate etc. The physical characteristics aren't my biggest concern, but the person who donates and their reasons for donating are very important to me....knowing a bit about them and their personality.

If you've used a known donor, could you let me know how easy it was to find one and how it went in terms of getting to know them ? I don't have the flexibility to use someone I know (all my friends are the same age as me !). I assume I'll be using a clinic but I would like them to be open identity (which my sperm donor is) and I'm not sure how common that is.

Thanks in advance for any info

Al
so we can't pay donors, nor can they be anon....not totally, anyway.
After going through all possible friends and family (and their daughters and neices and neighbours) putting out feelers to see whether anyone would be interested in donating, and keeping coming up against brick walls (some wanted to but discovered unknown health/fertility problems, some had relationship probs or DHs who changed their minds..) with much trepidation and negligible hope, we advertised in a small community newspaper and found the donor of our DREAMS, man. In a week. Absolutely perfect. We cycled within 4 months of her answering our ad, and got pg first pop.
We have only met once, but send numerous emails and txts when milestones are met or natural disasters strike (we had a massive earthquake here 3 months ago and are troubled with continuing aftershocks)....she is open to whatever communication we want, is very respectful about not intruding etc etc etc.
And she's only 21!!!
I'm fairly sure we'll have a bit more contact after baby comes; I don't think there can be too many adults in a child's life with some kind of connection to them; this babe will have no cousins living nearby, or aunties or uncles....so I relish the idea of just occassional contact if it works out.
HTH and keep us posted...
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Joined: September 6th, 2009, 7:55 am

November 30th, 2010, 12:37 pm #8

Thank you all for the info - especially the helpful sites about where you found your donors. Laura I've been following your progress on the Over 40 board and am so pleased it's all working out. Are you in Christchurch ? I'm Australian but have a bunch of N.Z friends and several of them are from Christchurch so there's been a lot of flying back and forth from Asia to check on family and buildings in the past few months. I hope things are settling down (and now the mining tragedy......it's not going N.Zs way right now )

Anyway - the info you've all given is helping me to sort through the many many different ideas and thoughts I'm having. I'm sure you can all relate

Best wishes to everyone (and especially for an uneventful pg for those who are pg right now )

Al
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