dark moments (x post)

dark moments (x post)

Anonymous
Anonymous

June 28th, 2012, 2:12 pm #1

How did you keep going in the dark moments? I feel so down sometimes. Summer seems to bring about even more families with children. I look at all of the children. How cute they are. I look at families and what the gap in their children's ages may be. Some have three or four children. I look at the mothers and wonder - do they have any idea what it means to deal with IF? How lucky they are?
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

June 28th, 2012, 4:56 pm #2

I felt so ashamed of myself that I could not regulate my feelings when around families with children, but I finally had to admit that it was true and try to avoid settings where there were likely to be a lot of kids. I focused on adult activities, tried to eat at restaurants that were less family-oriented, etc. And I just wish I could have enjoyed it all more, b/c I've had very few adult meals or outings since the twins were born, and sometimes I have to just focus back on the sense of emptiness and sadness I felt back then.

There's an old saying not to judge your insides by other people's outsides, and I think that very much applies to IF. Especially if you live in metropolitan areas where women have kids older, you only see the kids, not the years of fertility treatment that might be behind them. And if you don't, when you see a family with 3 or 4 kids, some of the time, #3 and #4 were likely unplanned and perhaps not that welcome. If you see a family with four kids at a street festival, you think, what a beautiful family! But you don't see dad juggling bills or mom wondering how they're going to afford a vehicle big enough to hold them all and the gas for it.

So, no, those people are likely not to know how lucky they are, much as they love their kids. I know this all probably rings pretty hollow for you, b/c I would have been thinking, "Oh! If only I could have such troubles!" But I think one of the most insidious things about IF is that it both deprives you of the pleasure of things you can't enjoy w/kids when you're ttc and it delivers a heaping dose of guilt when you experience the normal sense of fatigue or oppression from the rigors of parenting when you finally get them.

So, ***WARNING, PLATITUDES FOLLOW *** hang in there. Keep your eyes on the prize. Don't berate yourself for finding it difficult; it just is. Be good to yourself. And stay close to the women on this board and the green board, if that applies, b/c unless you have RL support group, no one is going to understand what you're going through like we do.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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Dee
Dee

June 28th, 2012, 7:32 pm #3

How did you keep going in the dark moments? I feel so down sometimes. Summer seems to bring about even more families with children. I look at all of the children. How cute they are. I look at families and what the gap in their children's ages may be. Some have three or four children. I look at the mothers and wonder - do they have any idea what it means to deal with IF? How lucky they are?
I lost a baby at 16 wks last year. A few days out of the hospital, I went to church one Sunday morning to my Sunday school class, a mixed group of women and men. I knew that my husband had already told some people at the church about our loss. Well, there is this woman in the Sunday school class who has a baby, year after year. She got up during the middle of the class, walked across the hall and got her baby, brought him in and nursed him right in front of me. I never went back to that church again, although my husband still attends. And he tells me this same woman sometimes asks him why I don't go to church there anymore. She knows.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

June 29th, 2012, 4:13 am #4

I felt so ashamed of myself that I could not regulate my feelings when around families with children, but I finally had to admit that it was true and try to avoid settings where there were likely to be a lot of kids. I focused on adult activities, tried to eat at restaurants that were less family-oriented, etc. And I just wish I could have enjoyed it all more, b/c I've had very few adult meals or outings since the twins were born, and sometimes I have to just focus back on the sense of emptiness and sadness I felt back then.

There's an old saying not to judge your insides by other people's outsides, and I think that very much applies to IF. Especially if you live in metropolitan areas where women have kids older, you only see the kids, not the years of fertility treatment that might be behind them. And if you don't, when you see a family with 3 or 4 kids, some of the time, #3 and #4 were likely unplanned and perhaps not that welcome. If you see a family with four kids at a street festival, you think, what a beautiful family! But you don't see dad juggling bills or mom wondering how they're going to afford a vehicle big enough to hold them all and the gas for it.

So, no, those people are likely not to know how lucky they are, much as they love their kids. I know this all probably rings pretty hollow for you, b/c I would have been thinking, "Oh! If only I could have such troubles!" But I think one of the most insidious things about IF is that it both deprives you of the pleasure of things you can't enjoy w/kids when you're ttc and it delivers a heaping dose of guilt when you experience the normal sense of fatigue or oppression from the rigors of parenting when you finally get them.

So, ***WARNING, PLATITUDES FOLLOW *** hang in there. Keep your eyes on the prize. Don't berate yourself for finding it difficult; it just is. Be good to yourself. And stay close to the women on this board and the green board, if that applies, b/c unless you have RL support group, no one is going to understand what you're going through like we do.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
I feel this way now - I can't enjoy anything and there is always this sadness even when I go somewhere for vacation. I know I need to look forward and keep my eyes on the prize. It is so hard when you are down in the trenches to enjoy anything. Thanks for your response because I can resonate to much of what you wrote.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

June 29th, 2012, 4:15 am #5

I lost a baby at 16 wks last year. A few days out of the hospital, I went to church one Sunday morning to my Sunday school class, a mixed group of women and men. I knew that my husband had already told some people at the church about our loss. Well, there is this woman in the Sunday school class who has a baby, year after year. She got up during the middle of the class, walked across the hall and got her baby, brought him in and nursed him right in front of me. I never went back to that church again, although my husband still attends. And he tells me this same woman sometimes asks him why I don't go to church there anymore. She knows.
Thank you for your post. I know exactly what you are saying. There are many people that I stopped seeing due to this whole journey. I hope you and I both find success soon.
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Dee
Dee

June 29th, 2012, 3:47 pm #6

if you need to stop seeing certain people, then that is what you need to do. Take care of yourself first.
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