bad news (child ment)

bad news (child ment)

Joined: July 4th, 2012, 3:44 pm

July 15th, 2012, 10:37 am #1

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
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Joined: July 4th, 2012, 3:44 pm

July 15th, 2012, 10:54 am #2

I actually meant that two survived the thaw. Two of the three I had.
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thesameboat
thesameboat

July 15th, 2012, 1:06 pm #3

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
There probably is no reason why it didn't work, and there's certainly nothing you did that caused it not to work. Try to put that out of your head. Please remember that even in nature, most embryos don't make it. I know you're grateful for the blessings you already have, but I can understand that that doesn't mean you didn't want THIS child just as much as you wanted the others. You still need to mourn. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.
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Joined: July 4th, 2012, 3:44 pm

July 15th, 2012, 2:13 pm #4

The difference is that nothing implanted this time. I have had pregnancies before, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages,births, but no non-implantations. It just makes me feel scared that nothing implanted. It's reassuring to know that it doesn't mean something has started to "not work" with me. I know I have to grieve, I just hate doing it! Oh well -- I guess it's the price of trying and dreaming and hoping. When it goes the way you want it to go it's fabulous, when it doesn't that's when you need to show moral fiber.
Thanks for reaching out and writing -- it's nice to not feel so alone...
katherine.
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Joined: June 25th, 2012, 2:35 am

July 15th, 2012, 4:54 pm #5

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
I am sorry about the BFN-they are so heartbreaking. My previous IVF and FET (oe) earlier this year were CP's and this last fresh cycle was a bfn, which was more devastating to me because at least before it felt like my body was "trying". I am now pushing for DE but DH is not on the same page with that (yet?) so I relate to the rift this IF process can cause. I also have a child and yes, I'm very grateful for her, too, but I really, really REALLY (desperately) want another child so I think it makes sense that you are grieving for this not working out this time--I just had two friends grill me on "can't you just be happy with your one, healthy child??" so I know that pressure of thinking you shouldn't want more, like it's being 'greedy' or something, but it's NOT that way at all-we all have a right to want to add to our family and just because we have challenges in achieving that doesn't mean we don't deserve it as much as the next person.

I have gone through that "what did I do to make this pg not work out?" but I have come to accept that it is not in our control, it sometimes just doesn't work. We can't beat ourselves up for what nature is in charge of--I'm so sorry you are going through this loss and I am sending you healing thoughts and a virtual hug. Take care, ajc
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Pinkduck
Pinkduck

July 15th, 2012, 7:11 pm #6

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
It is hard. I had 2 FET's not work - great embies too. Found another donor and had twins from a fresh and then DS from an FET (transferred 2 embies frozen at day 3 many years earlier). So I was much younger when the two FETs did not work. I was 46 when I had DS. I lifted kids, yelled and got stressed but for some reason it worked. Just wanted to say, sometimes there is no logical reason but I doubt that any of the things you mention, including age were the reason. Hugs.
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Joined: July 4th, 2012, 3:44 pm

July 16th, 2012, 2:02 am #7

I'm honestly so touched by the support I'm receiving. It's so helpful to read your responses. Went to the pool with my daughter today and felt better afterwards. Then the bleed started this evening and I got sad again. I guess it is just one of those things. Want to try to re-connect with my former donor who is now 33 and see if she'll do another cycle. Doubtful but worth a shot...
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Hope2009
Hope2009

July 16th, 2012, 6:09 am #8

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
I'm sorry that your FET didn't work, I'm sorry that nothing even implanted. I can relate to your pain and how you are struggling to understand and process the loss of your embryos,the loss of your dream and I also know that desperate feeling of how to move forward...especially with a reluctant partner. Also, I know that feeling of trying to come to terms with why did this happen and end as it has. It sometimes makes no sense.

I had 5 children before we moved forward using de's to complete our family. I couldn't share my dreams or longings with anyone as they would just think I was CRAZY since I was older.

When we were ttc our 5th child when I was in my early 40's (which took 2 years of ttc and a sad loss of our soulbaby at 12 weeks) I shared my desire with my dearest friend who is a physician and she told me that I was nuts...did I know what the risks were?...and she also thought that we already had enough kids...she had four kids too. Just because you have a child, or children...does that all of a sudden mean that there should be no longing for more? What's the number that makes it okay to stop? For the family to be done? I had all this stuff swirling in my head with no support from anyone.

When our little DD Grace was finally born when I was 43, my friend came over to see my new DD and she said that she was sooo jealous...that she wished she had pushed for another baby too....I would have loved to have shared all we went through to finally have our DD, all the pain, the struggle the loss but she wasn't there for me and I NEVER told her anything intimate EVER again...we are still friends but it's so superficial in so many ways. Sad...you have this board to pour your pain out...your board buds understand how you are feeling.

When we finally decided to move forward using DE's...and that was a long journey believe me...years of ttc, I was 47...I had just had a chemical pgcy after using clomid and I was done, spent, exhausted. When I decided to move forward with donor eggs ( and it wasn't easy as I had to drag my DH through mud to get to that point) I thought well this isn't how I thought we would get pg but I was ready to allow miracles to happen. Thankfully we found our donor ourselves quite quickly and everything really fell into place...I thought it was a given...everything seemed too perfect...our donor gave us a basket full of eggs and we ended with 13, 5 day blasts.

the two that were transferred on our fresh cycle were as good as it gets...rated 20/20 by our embryologist. She told us that she seldom sees embryos this perfect and we were severely warned that we probably would have twins...or more if there were a split. My lining was beautiful too...a lovely 10 ts. And of course I had a track record of having 5 oe babies...our last born when I was 43...an easy pgcy and natural labour and birth.

so I thought it was a given but I too had my doubts...we had to travel with the whole family to the clinic that summer...it was four years ago this July...I was a July sparkler on this board...I didn't have much rest afterwards as we hadn't told our kids what was going on...we were just on an ocean side holiday...it was stressful in so many ways and the trip home was really rough in the van...then the 2 weeks was difficult too...as soon as we got home I had the kids in swimming lessons and every day for 2 weeks I was sitting in the humid pool area wondering if anything was implanting...weird symptoms too.

I took a hpt...and it was positive...the next day I took another and the line was lighter...it was hpt hell...finally my beta day came and I found out that it was only 31 which my clinic nurse said was low. More stress and worry..endless prayers for things to turn around. But two days later my numbers had dropped to 15. I was loosing whatever life was left in my embryos. Of course we always wonder what we did wrong...did that vacuuming when we got back from holidays or lifting all the groceries to replenish our fridge cause the embryos to dislodge...was sitting in that hot pool area too much for my body to maintain the pgcy...it went on and on. At some point you just have to say...'what is is...' one will never know and you have to be gentle on yourself and move forward...it is a process...one day at a time...one day you will get through the day without any tears over the loss and there will be new hope in your dreams.

We did move forward with a FET...after I did a whole blood work for my clinic and they found that I tested positive for Factor V leiden...although interestingly enough this blood clotting disorder hadn't hampered all of my pgcies...yes I had lost 2 pgcies in my 40's and had several chemicals with my oe's but I always chocked those up to old eggs...now I wondered was it my blood clotting issue that had not allowed the embryos to implant properly? (both my grandmother and my great grand mother had babies in their mid to late 40's and all along I thought I would follow suit)

So for our FET I did do heparin shots...we thawed out three...all made it but only two were really good...one was a hail mary. I did get pg with our son but you know to this day I wonder...what about the other embryos..also, two were the same quality....why didn't we have twins?

I guess we just think about everything don't we? After our DE DS arrived I had a really hard time getting my DH to agree to do another FET....I finally told him that I wanted to do it for our de DS b/c when we tell him someday about how he came to be, I wanted him to feel a genetic connection to another sibling. After MUCH debate...lots of late night discussions...my DH agreed to doing another FET.

We thawed three blasts..they all made the thaw...they all looked great and were graded at 18/20 which is VERY good. I was warned about triplets...for sure twins and I just told my Dr. that I had heard that before...we had transferred 5 embryos to get our son so I didn't think we had much of a shot at multiples...I just hoped that we would again get lucky with one...and wouldn't you know we got twin girls...I was 51 when they were born.

I still think about all those embryos that didn't make it...why did they not implant...was it my body? or were they just abnormal? I grieve for them. They were my babies...my dreams too. It is only here that I can share those feelings as no one in my RL would get it. It's a process isn't it? Each of us finds our own way though to move through grief.

I know you have to process your feelings on your own terms but there was nothing that you did at all to cause those two embryos not to implant. You need to take the time to grieve...crying is healing so let it out...I did find that having children though helped in one sense as I was sooo busy taking care of my kids that I had to let it out slowly...and I was always, ALWAYS coming from a place of gratitude for even the chance to try to get pg with donor eggs...I felt so blessed to have that chance...many women don't have the opportunity or the money to even try so coming from a place of being grateful really helped me...but that is me.

Still as I've said before, the heart wants, what it wants and if you are feeling that your family is not yet complete...and I heard my soulbaby whipsering to me all the time...I know this sounds crazy but it was soft and gentle...right into my heart saying, there is someone missing...if you have that...don't think your crazy..try to talk to your DH about it and don't EVER, EVER think you are too old...that is a wall that we have to get over and it is coverred in all sorts of fear. Come and visit us on the over 50 parenting and pg board and your perspective may change about age and having babies, and parenting kids. If this is something that you want/need to do then just let things flow...with ease and grace let the grieving out...and trust and let go that if this is meant to happen for you and your family that it will.....this is just a blip in the road which feels so immense right now...you will move beyond it and if you are really wanting to have your baby it will happen.

I'm so sorry that this has turned into another huge novella but your pain took me right back to four years ago and I just had to share my story, thoughts and feelings. Almost all of the women who were cycling with me got pg that month..it was so sad to not be moving forward with them and share the pgcies together. In hindsight though there is a time and a place for everything and I have learned that the key is letting go and trusting. So you are not alone at all...many of us have been there and are now on the pink board...continue to just let go and trust...holding your vision of what you think your family will look like one day.

Blessings from Hope
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Joined: July 29th, 2011, 8:39 am

July 16th, 2012, 9:35 am #9

i read your posting word for word and related to myself and how easily i was bout to give up on getting my next baby ,thinking i have always had the setbacks including BFNs which are heart breaking but that doesn't mean i give up on my next baby . other children in fact one is an adult and i have been thinking it may appear i am selfish at my age (47) but after reading your post i am now determined than never to goon with my getting other babies irrespective of what other people will have to say. however i have to deal with DH who don't think we need another baby and his mind is not there but again i am determined that these babies must join my family to be complete.
Mama ISSA (Africa)
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Joined: September 13th, 2008, 5:13 pm

July 16th, 2012, 3:11 pm #10

Had my first beta on 7/12 -- BFN. I was in a cab on the way take my DS to physical therapy for his broken arm. I'm pretty devastated. Have been crying every free moment I get ever since. It's hard because I have to keep it together in front of my kids. I know I should be grateful for what I have but I'm so so sad. Was it because it was an FET? I'm old to be doing this again, and I wonder if that's what it was....My age. Though my lining looked great.

I had a sinking feeling right after transfer -- can't explain -- but intuitively I felt it wasn't working. They thawed all three that I had left and only two survived. They had been frozen the old way, and only one survived the thaw. The others looked so fragile to me in the picture they handed me. Silly, right? You can't tell of course, but I had this gut feeling. Then no symptoms for a few days, then cramping.

I keep going over and over in my mind -- was it because I am older? Because it was an FET? Because I yelled at my son on the third day and stressed? Because I lifted my daughter? I just can't let it go. I have to keep it together but don't quite know how. No one here really knows me but I'm reaching out. I want to try again with the donor but it's been so long (five years) I have no idea if she'd be willing. And my husband is adamant that he wants this to be it. It's tearing us a bit apart. Oh well....It feels better to write this and reach out.
I am sorry this FET didn't work. Please don't think anything you did somehow caused it to fail. There was a point when I was determined to go back for my frosties, and barrier after barrier has fallen in to place. Personally, I think this a good time to pray (if you do) or meditate (in either case) and decide what's important. For my own part, I had never considered having more than two kids, even when I was fertile (well, or thought I was fertile); it was only the frosties, the knowledge that they could become siblings, the only full genetic relatives of my sons, that drove my longing.

If you don't have kids or don't have a sibling, that's one thing. But if you do, I think you really have to search your heart for whether it's worth fighting your DH (and my DH nearly left me over having kids, so I hear that) to divert emotional and financial resources from your children. Of course, you're listening to someone who feels inadequate on a daily basis because it's so clear neither of my boys is getting the attention he really needs. Anyway, I'm sending you hugs and hope that whatever you decide, you find peace with it.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)
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