Baby here - so isn't anomosity towards husband

Baby here - so isn't anomosity towards husband

Joined: February 5th, 2011, 3:23 am

March 9th, 2012, 9:32 pm #1

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?

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Joined: January 15th, 2008, 1:22 am

March 9th, 2012, 9:39 pm #2

I always find it so funny when people talk about having a baby bringing couples closer to one another! Some of the biggest showdown fights of our 15 year relationship with my dh was when I had newborns. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. It is an exciting time, but extremely demanding, overwhelming and stressful.

Hope it makes you feel in good company. Good luck and congratulations on your newborn!!!

Baby Blessings,
Jordee




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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

March 9th, 2012, 9:53 pm #3

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
Try to not let it get to you (though your husband will probably SEEM to totally expand on all the things he could possibly do to annoy you for a while).

I know it really is frustrating, but it does seem to go hand in hand with parenting a newborn, especially a much-longed-for first child. Both of you have your own ideas about how things should be done, and both of you have to respect that the other is also a parent to this child, so you have to learn to compromise on some things.

And the non-parenting things? Try to keep your cool. Look away when you can. If possible, wait and see if it's still annoying the next day. I find that I personally SHOULD go to bed angry because the next day I almost always wonder why I was so annoyed the night before.

Hang in there. It gets easier and easier.
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Joined: January 19th, 2010, 2:07 pm

March 9th, 2012, 10:04 pm #4

I always find it so funny when people talk about having a baby bringing couples closer to one another! Some of the biggest showdown fights of our 15 year relationship with my dh was when I had newborns. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. It is an exciting time, but extremely demanding, overwhelming and stressful.

Hope it makes you feel in good company. Good luck and congratulations on your newborn!!!

Baby Blessings,
Jordee




I am not sure if it is the obvious lack of sleep, but the fuse can be pretty short around a newborn house.
I find the 'extremes' show through during this time. The very good and not-so-great.
I just keep reminding myself that we really have everything we have been striving for and we are VERY lucky. But still there are more times than I care to count when 'raised voices' are used in the house.
Good luck to both of you...and my suggestion is to talk about what you are really thankful for when you are both in 'happy moods'....and remind yourselves frequently of this. Best-to-you-both!!

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Joined: September 30th, 2007, 7:22 pm

March 9th, 2012, 10:14 pm #5

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
...we expect them to take initiative, to put out the recycling, clean up the dishes, fold that load of laundry that we keep moving on and off of the bed! Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, at least not in my home. I let it simmer and stew and then it all comes out in a big huff of irritability and sleep deprivation. And dh is all, "You only needed to ask!" It simply doesn't occur to him to do these things. He doesn't see it! So maybe try giving your dh a list of things he could do to help out. He's used to everything that you do and doesn't realize it needs to change. He probably won't do any more or any less, but it will help you to not be so resentful. Communication is the key, as annoying as it is to have those talks.



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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

March 9th, 2012, 11:29 pm #6

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
I think it sounds pretty darn typical. I think the best thing you can do is try and lower your expectations about what will get done around the house. That is hard if you are a type A personality and used to getting everything done. But a little one takes up tons of your time and energy so for now you just have to let things go a bit. And you can ask him to help more with the household. If you have basically been in charge of this stuff prior to baby then he's not all of a sudden going to get it that he needs to step up and take some initiative on his own. I think for now it would be best to try and let go of the resentment and just give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he is kinda clueless that he needs to help. Ask him for more help, maybe even come up with a schedule as to what needs to be done and how he needs to help. Hopefully he will then step up and be more helpful. If he says no he won't and thinks you should do all or most of it then that is a differernt story.

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Joined: July 29th, 2009, 6:13 pm

March 10th, 2012, 2:17 am #7

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
In this F*cebook world we get used to that.

The first few months, and even up to a year, can be very hard on a marriage. Women by their very nature are multitaskers and men are not. Cotton's response really resonated with me -- doesn't my DH see ALL the dishes in the kitchen that need to be done, not just his sandwich dish? That is a neverending conversation at my house. Anyway, after being angry about it for a few months I simply started asking him to do things (although I have to admit I am incredibly lucky in that Miss O's nanny is unbelievable -- she does most of our laundry and makes sure O's room is neat and the kitchen is clean before she leaves -- unbelievable to have that kind of help). Or I ask him, in a very nice and NOT accusatory tone "Did you see the dishes on the stove?" or "It would be great if you could do X, Y and Z?" That beats being angry all the time. It does not always work but it has been working a bit better and things are nicer at home.

Good luck with it all. A friend of mine (who has 4 children) hit the nail on the head when she said the first year of your first child's life can be a lonely time. Just know that you are not alone.
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Joined: January 19th, 2010, 2:07 pm

March 10th, 2012, 3:37 am #8

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
Right after the birth, my OB asked that I not climb the stairs in the house for two weeks. It was crazy, how does any wife not go downstairs. I was so very fearful of what the kitchen would look like when I did finally go there.
Soooo DH carried all bottles, meals-everything up and down. He started making comments about cleaning as he goes and keeping up with things. I was shocked. And they day I ventured back down (to the disaster) it was like poof....It was all forgot and he was back to not seeing a darn thing.
So I know there is the capability, just not the desire to bother with it : ( Help us all!!!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

March 10th, 2012, 8:37 am #9

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
Hi ya,
Firstly, I think the feel good hormones you have in pregnancy which allow you to let things slide quickly vanish after your babe arrives. Its then you see the chinks in the armour.
If your DH is used to use doing his thinking for him then this will continue now. e.g. if you do all the bill paying and organising for your family.
My sister does this with her DH and she still does it and it drives her nuts.
My DH does all this stuff for us and I take care of our son as thats my 'job'.

You could say to your DH 'honey I have to concentrate on (your child) now so you take up the slack e.g. pay the bills and ...
If he says one day 'oh did you pay the ...' you say 'no didn't you thats your job now...'.
See how you go. But if you want him to do things then spell it out in plain English and tell him you won't be doing it any longer and don't do it either.
Congrats on your baby BTW!!
best, THK
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Joined: July 3rd, 2010, 9:13 pm

March 10th, 2012, 4:21 pm #10

We have our ultimate goal now with us. However now that we acheived our dreams, I am finding that I am picking up on all the things I don't like about my husband. I am harboring resentment towards how he is - doesn't help out around the house as much as he should be, takes advantage of the fact that I am type A and handle the bills and just the day to day issues. Maybe this has been surpressed, I don't know. Having a newborn is tough enough. Was wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do to get thru it?
After my son was about 3 months old all the old bitterness I had packed away toward DH came out. I have always been the quiet, easy-going one who "took it." He can be very difficult at times...many of my friends and family have told me that they didn't like how he treated me--but now it is like the tables have turned. It's like I am taking out all my resentment on him and not being nice at all, even though he is now trying very hard to change. I know part of it is that I am very, very sleep deprived, having a baby with reflux so bad that he will not eat (getting better) and sleeps very poorly, with me. He is also quite a clingy baby when he is tired (most of the time) so i get very little me time...or time to do the basics like shower, etc...(even now he is clinging to my leg and crying). Still, no excuses...I know, for me, I need to forgive DH. And, again, for me, I need to reestablish my relationship with God. It, like many of my relationships, has taken a back seat. I also need to figure out way to do fun things with DH. I also need to cut DH a little slack, as he is sleep deprived, stressed about money, short on time also. In short, lots of rearranging. This is all just my situation, not sure if it fits you at all, but things should get better as your newborn grows.
Last edited by gr8tful1 on March 10th, 2012, 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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