Are you worried about loving DE as much...(child ment.)

Are you worried about loving DE as much...(child ment.)

Blueberry5
Blueberry5

March 21st, 2011, 9:20 pm #1

Hi,
I'm a lurker and now that I have a log in, I'm (apparently) brave enough to be 'out'. I'm blueberry pie; well that's what I wanted to be only that name was taken so I'll settle for blueberry5. My fav.
A little about me: 44, married to a really great guy who is 54. You might want to remind me that I once said he was really great. We have a 4 year old son and we've been trying for the last 2 years to give him a sibling. My son was born without ivf.
I'm awaiting a DE FET in the next month or two.
Back to my question:
I sometimes wonder if I will love this DE child as much as I love my son. Has anyone ever wondered about this kind of thing? I think I will, because I just adore my son's little friends and secretly wish I could adopt them! If it were only that easy!
But when I think of DE I wonder if I will be jealous of the attention he/she receives from my husband. He's a wonderful father and I wouldn't want it any other way but I sometimes have a bit of fear about whether I'll love my second child as much.
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LizLA
LizLA

March 21st, 2011, 9:23 pm #2

DE child as much as bio.

I was wrong and there is no difference.

GL
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Dee
Dee

March 21st, 2011, 9:24 pm #3

Hi,
I'm a lurker and now that I have a log in, I'm (apparently) brave enough to be 'out'. I'm blueberry pie; well that's what I wanted to be only that name was taken so I'll settle for blueberry5. My fav.
A little about me: 44, married to a really great guy who is 54. You might want to remind me that I once said he was really great. We have a 4 year old son and we've been trying for the last 2 years to give him a sibling. My son was born without ivf.
I'm awaiting a DE FET in the next month or two.
Back to my question:
I sometimes wonder if I will love this DE child as much as I love my son. Has anyone ever wondered about this kind of thing? I think I will, because I just adore my son's little friends and secretly wish I could adopt them! If it were only that easy!
But when I think of DE I wonder if I will be jealous of the attention he/she receives from my husband. He's a wonderful father and I wouldn't want it any other way but I sometimes have a bit of fear about whether I'll love my second child as much.
You will love him just as much.
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Hope2009
Hope2009

March 21st, 2011, 9:57 pm #4

Hi,
I'm a lurker and now that I have a log in, I'm (apparently) brave enough to be 'out'. I'm blueberry pie; well that's what I wanted to be only that name was taken so I'll settle for blueberry5. My fav.
A little about me: 44, married to a really great guy who is 54. You might want to remind me that I once said he was really great. We have a 4 year old son and we've been trying for the last 2 years to give him a sibling. My son was born without ivf.
I'm awaiting a DE FET in the next month or two.
Back to my question:
I sometimes wonder if I will love this DE child as much as I love my son. Has anyone ever wondered about this kind of thing? I think I will, because I just adore my son's little friends and secretly wish I could adopt them! If it were only that easy!
But when I think of DE I wonder if I will be jealous of the attention he/she receives from my husband. He's a wonderful father and I wouldn't want it any other way but I sometimes have a bit of fear about whether I'll love my second child as much.
but I did wonder how it would feel to have a baby conceived without my eggs. I too had OE children and I loved them dearly...especially our last one who was born when I was 43...we had gone through so much to have her and suffered through a sad loss along the way so when Grace arrived I was in heaven.

The struggle seemed to make me more grateful and every time I looked at her I was still in awe that she was on earth with me..a dream come true.

So when we were ttc using DE's I did wonder how I would feel...since we had contemplated adopting..which definately would not be of our genetics I knew I could love a child...and as you say you love your DS's friends and wish you could adopt them..yes that is how I felt about chlldren in general as well.

We had a known donor whom I had found...or rather she found us and we used to both joke that our soul baby had brought us together...he liked her genetics but wanted me to be his earth mom and bio mom..nurturing him in my womb.

I loved her...and so when I finally did get pg I would just picture her smile and remember the love she showed during our cycle. The moment our little guy was placed on my tummy I knew him....he was the baby from my dreams as well.

YES he didn't come in the time frame that we would have liked and certainly not in the manner but he came...he was the baby I had been dreaming of and hearing his whispers in my soul for years...I loved him the moment I saw him and there are many times that I forget he is not from my eggs....I have caught myself telling people who comment about something about him physically...well his dad and I ARE both tall....or when they talk about how happy he is....I say...well I'm a happy person so he must pick that up from me, lol....so funny.

So now I'm pg with his little twin sisters and when I think of them I just smile...and remember the moment that he was born...pure magic...and i'm sure it will be the same again.

Even though I have 5Oe CHILDREN who have captured my heart and soul...there is something deeper connection wise with my DE baby...yes he didnt' come from my genetics but he taught me so much about trusting and letting go...learning to believe that we are all connected on this earth and we don't have to be just close to those we are actually related to....we are related in spirit to every living being on this planet....those were all lessons that came ont the journey to him....so in that he is loved deeper...at a soul level in many ways.

My DH didn't walk that journey....yes he was by my side on the path but he didn't learn those lessons the same way and even though my DE son is actually his genetic DS...he doesn't seem to be any closer to him than our other children...he loves him...of course but it isn't this deeply connected feeling....I find that interesting.

Our older children dote on their baby brother....and the other day when my 3 older DS's were practising their violin and cello pieces and our lO was under neath the music stands and I thought getting in the way....my oldest DS said...that's okay mom...he's going to be our 4th...in our quartet so he should start listening...they are a band of brothers...that is for sure.

Anyway I've gone on and on....each of us finds our own way to love their babies...for some of us it takes more processing time depending on the journey...and after ttc for a long time finally getting pg with a DE baby can be like travelling through post tramatic stress...we have to experience it though and feel it to get to the other side....SOMETIMES we still keep wondering all through the pgcy....and still others work through these things after our little ones are on earth. IT'S a process...my mantra...trust and let go.

Blessigns from Hope
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 21st, 2011, 10:06 pm #5

Hi,
I'm a lurker and now that I have a log in, I'm (apparently) brave enough to be 'out'. I'm blueberry pie; well that's what I wanted to be only that name was taken so I'll settle for blueberry5. My fav.
A little about me: 44, married to a really great guy who is 54. You might want to remind me that I once said he was really great. We have a 4 year old son and we've been trying for the last 2 years to give him a sibling. My son was born without ivf.
I'm awaiting a DE FET in the next month or two.
Back to my question:
I sometimes wonder if I will love this DE child as much as I love my son. Has anyone ever wondered about this kind of thing? I think I will, because I just adore my son's little friends and secretly wish I could adopt them! If it were only that easy!
But when I think of DE I wonder if I will be jealous of the attention he/she receives from my husband. He's a wonderful father and I wouldn't want it any other way but I sometimes have a bit of fear about whether I'll love my second child as much.
not because he came from DE but because he is a different little person. The love I feel for each of my children is unique. One love is not deeper than the other....it is simply that they are lovable in different ways.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 21st, 2011, 10:08 pm #6

Do you have a bio child?
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Joined: March 25th, 2008, 8:46 pm

March 21st, 2011, 10:12 pm #7

I had one boy and one girl (twins) from donor embryo. Just wanted you to not feel odd if your love feels different for your DE child. It doesn't mean it is lesser.
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Blueberry5
Blueberry5

March 21st, 2011, 10:40 pm #8

You will love him just as much.
Simple and to the point and THANK YOU for your replies! I love it...thanks for helping put my mind at ease. It's almost like I whisper the fear to God before I go to sleep sometimes. I have been praying for someone to tell me to relax and trust that things will be ok. All I had to do was log in and post. Thanks.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 21st, 2011, 10:46 pm #9

but I did wonder how it would feel to have a baby conceived without my eggs. I too had OE children and I loved them dearly...especially our last one who was born when I was 43...we had gone through so much to have her and suffered through a sad loss along the way so when Grace arrived I was in heaven.

The struggle seemed to make me more grateful and every time I looked at her I was still in awe that she was on earth with me..a dream come true.

So when we were ttc using DE's I did wonder how I would feel...since we had contemplated adopting..which definately would not be of our genetics I knew I could love a child...and as you say you love your DS's friends and wish you could adopt them..yes that is how I felt about chlldren in general as well.

We had a known donor whom I had found...or rather she found us and we used to both joke that our soul baby had brought us together...he liked her genetics but wanted me to be his earth mom and bio mom..nurturing him in my womb.

I loved her...and so when I finally did get pg I would just picture her smile and remember the love she showed during our cycle. The moment our little guy was placed on my tummy I knew him....he was the baby from my dreams as well.

YES he didn't come in the time frame that we would have liked and certainly not in the manner but he came...he was the baby I had been dreaming of and hearing his whispers in my soul for years...I loved him the moment I saw him and there are many times that I forget he is not from my eggs....I have caught myself telling people who comment about something about him physically...well his dad and I ARE both tall....or when they talk about how happy he is....I say...well I'm a happy person so he must pick that up from me, lol....so funny.

So now I'm pg with his little twin sisters and when I think of them I just smile...and remember the moment that he was born...pure magic...and i'm sure it will be the same again.

Even though I have 5Oe CHILDREN who have captured my heart and soul...there is something deeper connection wise with my DE baby...yes he didnt' come from my genetics but he taught me so much about trusting and letting go...learning to believe that we are all connected on this earth and we don't have to be just close to those we are actually related to....we are related in spirit to every living being on this planet....those were all lessons that came ont the journey to him....so in that he is loved deeper...at a soul level in many ways.

My DH didn't walk that journey....yes he was by my side on the path but he didn't learn those lessons the same way and even though my DE son is actually his genetic DS...he doesn't seem to be any closer to him than our other children...he loves him...of course but it isn't this deeply connected feeling....I find that interesting.

Our older children dote on their baby brother....and the other day when my 3 older DS's were practising their violin and cello pieces and our lO was under neath the music stands and I thought getting in the way....my oldest DS said...that's okay mom...he's going to be our 4th...in our quartet so he should start listening...they are a band of brothers...that is for sure.

Anyway I've gone on and on....each of us finds our own way to love their babies...for some of us it takes more processing time depending on the journey...and after ttc for a long time finally getting pg with a DE baby can be like travelling through post tramatic stress...we have to experience it though and feel it to get to the other side....SOMETIMES we still keep wondering all through the pgcy....and still others work through these things after our little ones are on earth. IT'S a process...my mantra...trust and let go.

Blessigns from Hope
Wow what a beautiful response. Thanks for sharing that wonderful day in your life. It's just what I needed to give me 'hope'. Seriously thanks for your response. I think I will have to let go of the illusion of control and get to that point of seeing the child as God's child just as I actually see my own. I tell him he belongs to God and I was chosen to care for him. My son is actually quite a bit like his father, personality wise and I find that funny since I think he looks more like me. My husband thinks he looks just like him! But no one else does. A man's ego. Go figure.
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Blueberry5
Blueberry5

March 21st, 2011, 10:58 pm #10

not because he came from DE but because he is a different little person. The love I feel for each of my children is unique. One love is not deeper than the other....it is simply that they are lovable in different ways.
Thank you so much for your response!! I appreciate you sharing your hard earned wisdom and giving me some comfort re: the fear I'm experiencing. I don't know much about anyone here. I tend to lurk trying to find medical info/ protocols/side effects of meds/and the like. I didn't post to you under the name anon below. Just wanted you to know that.
I am praying daily not to obcess over things like this (will I prefer my biological child to my de child?) that will work themselves out. It's weird that I sometimes think I could love an adopted child more than a de child because I wouldn't be 'jealous' for my husband's affection. I have to give that fear to God because it doesn't serve any purpose. It's certainly not helping me.
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