any advice on non-anonymous ED?

any advice on non-anonymous ED?

Joined: May 13th, 2011, 2:31 pm

August 11th, 2011, 8:09 pm #1

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
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Joined: January 8th, 2009, 5:22 am

August 11th, 2011, 9:13 pm #2

It was important to us to have an open donation and we actively sought out a donor who was comfortable with that. Our agency arranged a meeting prior to the donation. We picked her up from the airport and spent the afternoon with her. I already "knew" she was the right ED for us, but I was even more convinced after talking with her. We also saw her the morning of retrieval, which oddly kept me from jumping out of my skin.

Our relationship is a blessing to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. Don't get me wrong, I recognize there will be interesting challenges along the way, but I'm trusting in our ability to navigate them.

What I have learned along this infertility journey, is that there is no right or wrong way. You have to decide in your heart what is "right" for your family--and then get on with it.

I don't know if this was the support or info you were looking for.
Last edited by Starfish22 on August 11th, 2011, 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: April 27th, 2007, 10:46 am

August 11th, 2011, 11:03 pm #3

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
NEVER refer to the donor as the "genetic mother" or any type of a mother. YOU will be the only mother. This was the advice given to us by the psychologist who was following our transfer.

Now to respond: We insisted on a "known" agency donor. Her name was on the contract and we were given her contact info. We started emailing before she went for the retrieval, and also spoke on the phone a few times. My husband took her and her friend to dinner the evening after the transfer. I'm wasn't ready to meet her (I'm still not ready), as I have some issues to deal with.

Since then, we've kept her informed of the outcome. We set up a Web site so she and our surro could watch the kids grow. My husband and the kids also met her when they were about a year old, and they took lots of photos. We're hoping to visit her and our surro again when the kids are older.

I think it's a good idea to use a known donor for the kids' sake, so there won't be any questions or problems later, and so she can be contacted with medical questions.
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Joined: December 2nd, 2005, 3:49 pm

August 11th, 2011, 11:19 pm #4

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
...that has all of the stipulations in it that you want. We used an anon donor, and now I highly regret it. I think things can potentially get complicated down the road, but I think the most likely scenario is a very good one. Just take some time to think through everything that could possibly occur and make sure you use an attorney that has written lots of contracts like this. And good luck!
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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

August 12th, 2011, 1:02 am #5

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
meaning if our son wishes to find his donor he is more than welcome.
We did not want to meet her in any way, it does not mean we don't love her in our own way.
I think whatever is right for you is right.

I will say I think that adoption that is open is VERY different than donation that is open. My son, resembles me in coloring, termperment, etc. and I don't know if that's genetics, epigenetics etcs. I do know they have opened the Donor network in Europe and 93% of children conceived third party have no interest in contacting genetic contributors.

if it feels right? go for it. If you feel a "hitch" don't!
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LadyMagoo
LadyMagoo

August 12th, 2011, 1:46 am #6

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
We did a semi-open donation. We spoke with our donor beforehand and our attorney has her contact information. She is oen to being contacted down the road. She is already a mom, though. That was very important to us, especially with a semi-open or open donation. We didn't want to be faced with someone's regrets down the road - and potentially have our child become to object of someone else's wants. A woman who doesn't want children today may very well change her mind down the road. Heck, I didn't want children when I was in my 30's (was married to the wrong person at the time), but I obviously changed my mind in the interim. Also, our RE strongly encouraged us to work with a donor who was not only experienced and proven, but also one who had had a child of her own.

As for the donor being the genetic mother - being pregnant now, my body is nourishing this child and breathing life into her. I'm her mother, gentic link or not. I don't think of the donor as the genetic mother. I am grateful to her and always will be, but mother is a very distinct concept from genetic donor, in my mind anyway.

We considered meeting the donor in person. Ultimately we decided not to. The phone call and emails were sufficient. We didn'tknow what additional benefit would come from it. We didn't want the risk of weirdness, honestly! It's a very emotionally charged time for all involved, and I was feeling more than a bit fragile - and hormonal - and old! It probably would have gone well - but it could have gotten weird for me. We had a lovely image of our donor as it was and we didn't want to mess with it, in all honesty!!

Best of luck to you!!

LM
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Kekona
Kekona

August 12th, 2011, 1:58 am #7

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
I did try to choose donors who would allow contact, but then when I asked for it, they declined. I wish I could have afforded a guaranteed known donor and not just the hope of one.

Someone pointed out that some medical conditions don't become known until much later, so that's one consideration. And I think it's just human nature to want to know your genetic heritage. I can't say that I've read lots of studies, but the ones I have read indicate that the children of DE really appreciate having the info.

Lots of ppl here are not "tell" and even if they are "tell," they are not in favor of contact, info, etc. I'm sure you'll get that pov. I don't mean any disrespect to them by my post, but I won't debate it with them, either.
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LadyMagoo
LadyMagoo

August 12th, 2011, 2:04 am #8

We did a semi-open donation. We spoke with our donor beforehand and our attorney has her contact information. She is oen to being contacted down the road. She is already a mom, though. That was very important to us, especially with a semi-open or open donation. We didn't want to be faced with someone's regrets down the road - and potentially have our child become to object of someone else's wants. A woman who doesn't want children today may very well change her mind down the road. Heck, I didn't want children when I was in my 30's (was married to the wrong person at the time), but I obviously changed my mind in the interim. Also, our RE strongly encouraged us to work with a donor who was not only experienced and proven, but also one who had had a child of her own.

As for the donor being the genetic mother - being pregnant now, my body is nourishing this child and breathing life into her. I'm her mother, gentic link or not. I don't think of the donor as the genetic mother. I am grateful to her and always will be, but mother is a very distinct concept from genetic donor, in my mind anyway.

We considered meeting the donor in person. Ultimately we decided not to. The phone call and emails were sufficient. We didn'tknow what additional benefit would come from it. We didn't want the risk of weirdness, honestly! It's a very emotionally charged time for all involved, and I was feeling more than a bit fragile - and hormonal - and old! It probably would have gone well - but it could have gotten weird for me. We had a lovely image of our donor as it was and we didn't want to mess with it, in all honesty!!

Best of luck to you!!

LM
after I hit send, I realized I should elaborate on one point, having given it a lot of thought...it's the concepts of parenting and genetics...we will be telling our children their story, in part because we want to decouple the notions of parenting and genetics from one antother from early on. And I think it's especially important to do this whether building one's family through DE, whether you carry or work with a surrogate, DS or adoption (anything other than the old fashioned way, basically).

I didn't mean to suggest in my previous post that the fact that I'm carrying our child is what makes me mom. Whether I carry, had adopted or worked with a surrogate, I'll be tending to scraped knees and helping with homework and offering life advice and eventually making the college dorm drop off...and that's what makes me - and all of you - mom.
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

August 12th, 2011, 6:05 am #9

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
HI,
It this is what you wish and if the donor is ok with it then go for it. I know our donor and even though we are not in direct contact I hear of her and how she and her family is and vice versa and this is lovely. I love hearing about her.
Follow your heart Its up to you, best THK
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

August 12th, 2011, 8:52 am #10

Hi everyone,
I want to get to know the ED I've chosen from an agency, pick her up from the airport when she comes for her screening, take her out to dinner, and start a relationship with her so that if we're lucky enough to get a child out of the whole process, the child knows who its genetic mother is. The agency says she is open to contact, and it sounds like they will allow the process to become non-anonymous. We haven't committed to this agency or donor yet, so maybe the fine print of the contract will say otherwise. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Why? The other agency we're interested in prohibits non-anonymous donation. I have a friend who donated eggs a few times, and she often wishes she knew where her genetic offspring were and how they are doing. She doesn't want to steal the children from the parents, she's got plenty of children of her own, she just wants to know. The ED we're interested in has no children of her own, and doesn't want children.
TS
so we knew ours. Who we advertised for and was a stranger.
We only met her once; have had more contact via email and text, but she decided to pull back, which is okay.
My wee DD will always have access to her if she/we decide that's right.
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