And the hits keep on comin!

And the hits keep on comin!

Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

April 16th, 2012, 1:26 am #1

After a nasty Easter weekend, I get sick with a terrible tummy bug! On the plus side, I lost any weight that I would have gained from the Easter eggs!

Then last night, DH announces that he doesn't want to go through with DE!!!!

He was so for it and all of a sudden he's changed his mind. As I think I've mentioned before, he is coming off anti depressants at the moment, so I'm hoping that it's just this affecting his judgement. Please god let it just be that!

Aaaaaaah! I hate this!
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Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

April 16th, 2012, 3:35 am #2

My DH pulled this on me a few times over the years. It is AWFUL! I'm assuming he was willing (reluctantly or otherwise) and has now pulled back, right?

It's 5 am here in Germany and I can't sleep but I need to try so I'm going to keep this short for now but we can talk more later, OK?

What I did: DH is a good man. I know that and I knew it then. He's a bit of a traditionalist who wants to provide for his wife as much as possible (not that he doesn't appreciate me working, etc but he feels he is the responsible one) but he has a stress-causing tendency to micromanage. So he was going under. He could not control this. We struggled. We tried.

And he (tried to) put his foot down. It was making him sick.

You say your husband has suffered from depression. Do you know if infertility was a large part of that? I know for my DH, watching me suffer was very hard. He was disappointed, but he felt he could go on and have a good enough life if I would just drop the ttcing. But I wouldn't.

Finally, I sat down with him and told him I needed to go on ahead with this one way or another. I told him HE was and could remain responsible for where we live, how we live, day to day decisions, vacations, etc, but this woman was going to be responsible for ttc. I would tell him in future only what he needed to know and would stop whining. (And, oh man, I know I was responsible for a lot of his suffering because I had spent years blowing off steam from ttc traumas. I would see how it would bring him down but I kept doing it.) So after that, I only told him what he needed to know. If we failed, it was not his failure.

One funny memory for me is one evening we were out and on the way home he asked 'Are we cycling? You didn't drink any wine.' and I asked him back 'Do you really want to know?'

Success and child mentioned below:

When our baby was born, from our 5th egg donor, after getting immune treatments and using donor sperm on half of the eggs ( we still don't know for sure, but we suspect she came from his sperm, because she has brown eyes, something neither donor had) he had a bit of post tramatic stress. He cried at least once a day for 6 months, thanking me, saying how strong I'd been and how proud he was of me. Tell your husband that if you don't do this, you will regret it for as long as you live, and if you do do this, he will be glad of it forever.

OK, not so short. Hugs to you. Good luck. And remember. Give him time. It may feel like it to you, but this doesn't have to be resolved tonight.
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Joined: February 23rd, 2012, 7:57 am

April 16th, 2012, 6:25 am #3

DH suffered from depression as a result of the earthquake and the things he saw as a police officer, followed by a false complaint that was made against him. It was solved eventually, but he spent 6 months working in reception due to this complaint. He has always been a glass half empty kind of guy, although not nearly as much while he was on the pills. It was like I had my husband back. I really don't think he should be coming off them, but it is his decision.

I do think that infertility played a role in this, although he says he hasn't dealt with this yet. He's fine, it's just me that has the IF issues. I'm sure that it must take a toll on him too, but his depression was more work related. The saying that goes "a job makes a man" is so true for him.

I have tried to keep all of the TTC stuff as much on the down low as I can over the years, but this one is very different now that we need a donor. I don't think it's the logistics that effect him, but the emotional side of it. Particularly the fact that it's my sister that will be our donor. He says that if we do it, this is the best choice, but I don't think he's comfortable with it.

I have an extremely overbearing mother who has the tendency to make really stupid remarks without thinking. For example, when holding my baby nephew in my presence, she said "it's so wonderful to hold a baby that is your own blood and kin". It took until I was in tears for her to realise what she had said. I think DH is worried that she will make constant remarks about our future child that are inappropriate and I don't think he would handle that well.

He obsesses and sweats about the small things like that and they tend to take over. I'm hoping that it's just a phase and that he will come around. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go through with it until he said he didn't want to. Now I know for sure that I want to do it. Ironic huh? The idea of not having another child to complete our family is gutting so I hope he comes round.

Like you said, it diesn't have to be resolved tonight. We have a saying taken from a classic tv ad here in NZ where Rachel Hunter says "it won't happen overnight, but it will happen". I think I'll cling to that for a while!

Gees - I'm not great at keeping it short. I hope you got some sleep!
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

April 16th, 2012, 7:13 am #4

After a nasty Easter weekend, I get sick with a terrible tummy bug! On the plus side, I lost any weight that I would have gained from the Easter eggs!

Then last night, DH announces that he doesn't want to go through with DE!!!!

He was so for it and all of a sudden he's changed his mind. As I think I've mentioned before, he is coming off anti depressants at the moment, so I'm hoping that it's just this affecting his judgement. Please god let it just be that!

Aaaaaaah! I hate this!
these guys are as much all over the place as we are, though they almost without fail pretend otherwise!
Hope it is the drug withdrawal talking but if I were you I"d stop talking about it with him for the next few weeks and give him time to think it was his idea.
What you write about him not being comfortable with using your sister as a donor, and also your mother's blurty/unthinking attitude, gives me more pause, frankly. I think many/most of our DH's have tried to put the brakes on at some point, and then they come around; my DH is now so very glad that I insisted we continue well past the point he was comfortable with; 'at the time it felt like further punishment', he just said!
Your DH has to be really on board with which ever donor you do choose, otherwise you're setting your marriage up for a lifetime of tension, IMHO....
And if my mother had been making comments like yours, I would be very tempted to do what we have done to a couple of folk we has told about needing to use DE and then regretted telling them; say we 'got lucky' with IVF and that the doctors 'tried some new techniques they hadn't tried before'....and leave it at that so that most people (especially those who you don't trust to be sensitive with the information) will assume you haven't used DE until you're ready to tell all and sundry...
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thesameboat
thesameboat

April 16th, 2012, 10:54 am #5

DH suffered from depression as a result of the earthquake and the things he saw as a police officer, followed by a false complaint that was made against him. It was solved eventually, but he spent 6 months working in reception due to this complaint. He has always been a glass half empty kind of guy, although not nearly as much while he was on the pills. It was like I had my husband back. I really don't think he should be coming off them, but it is his decision.

I do think that infertility played a role in this, although he says he hasn't dealt with this yet. He's fine, it's just me that has the IF issues. I'm sure that it must take a toll on him too, but his depression was more work related. The saying that goes "a job makes a man" is so true for him.

I have tried to keep all of the TTC stuff as much on the down low as I can over the years, but this one is very different now that we need a donor. I don't think it's the logistics that effect him, but the emotional side of it. Particularly the fact that it's my sister that will be our donor. He says that if we do it, this is the best choice, but I don't think he's comfortable with it.

I have an extremely overbearing mother who has the tendency to make really stupid remarks without thinking. For example, when holding my baby nephew in my presence, she said "it's so wonderful to hold a baby that is your own blood and kin". It took until I was in tears for her to realise what she had said. I think DH is worried that she will make constant remarks about our future child that are inappropriate and I don't think he would handle that well.

He obsesses and sweats about the small things like that and they tend to take over. I'm hoping that it's just a phase and that he will come around. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go through with it until he said he didn't want to. Now I know for sure that I want to do it. Ironic huh? The idea of not having another child to complete our family is gutting so I hope he comes round.

Like you said, it diesn't have to be resolved tonight. We have a saying taken from a classic tv ad here in NZ where Rachel Hunter says "it won't happen overnight, but it will happen". I think I'll cling to that for a while!

Gees - I'm not great at keeping it short. I hope you got some sleep!
I'll keep hoping for you. nt
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Joined: November 27th, 2011, 4:22 pm

April 17th, 2012, 2:23 am #6

After a nasty Easter weekend, I get sick with a terrible tummy bug! On the plus side, I lost any weight that I would have gained from the Easter eggs!

Then last night, DH announces that he doesn't want to go through with DE!!!!

He was so for it and all of a sudden he's changed his mind. As I think I've mentioned before, he is coming off anti depressants at the moment, so I'm hoping that it's just this affecting his judgement. Please god let it just be that!

Aaaaaaah! I hate this!
Isn't it funny how sometimes it isn't until an option is seemingly taken away that we realize how much we want it? Maybe this is what needed to happen for you to see that DE IS right for you... That in itself is a very positive step.

As for your DH, he's obviously going through a lot, so I'd give him a little time. Since you have to wait to do DE anyway, luckily, time is on your side with this.. My guess is that he'll come around eventually, but with everything going on right now, he's not seeing the positive side of anything. Just try to be as patient as you can and let him work through it in his own way.

Hugs to you, Emily!
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Joined: October 9th, 2008, 2:53 am

April 17th, 2012, 3:46 am #7

After a nasty Easter weekend, I get sick with a terrible tummy bug! On the plus side, I lost any weight that I would have gained from the Easter eggs!

Then last night, DH announces that he doesn't want to go through with DE!!!!

He was so for it and all of a sudden he's changed his mind. As I think I've mentioned before, he is coming off anti depressants at the moment, so I'm hoping that it's just this affecting his judgement. Please god let it just be that!

Aaaaaaah! I hate this!
Hi Emily, it a bit crazy here as my sister is visiting so I am snowed under just doing stuff.
Men... their opinion changes and then it changes again. Your man is dealing with his own stuff right now so cut him some slack. However, I'd tend to tell him when the time is right that 'this hard decision is not about you losing your genetics but me losing mine... you get to keep yours in this equation'. 'So its me having to make the hard decisions here not you'.
It is really about you and how you cope with things mentally and physically.
As an aside I left my first husband as he didn't want children. I know you already have a child.
Have to go everyone home now, best, THK
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