Am I not ready for DE?

Am I not ready for DE?

Joined: December 20th, 2010, 7:38 pm

August 21st, 2011, 5:00 am #1

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
Last edited by miraclex2 on August 21st, 2011, 5:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

futurebeauty
futurebeauty

August 21st, 2011, 5:21 am #2

It seems that you are struggling w/ your IF and not being able to give your DD a sibling. I believe that there is a mourning process when someone moves to DE as to the loss of the genetic connection to your baby. However, you know you are ready to pursue DE when you want a child so bad to build your family and this is the best option to do so to bring a healthy child into the world. Let your heart guide you as when you are ready you will never think of one child as OE vs DE and the struggles that you mentioned in your post. All you will care about is the love you will have for another person and your DD will have a sibling to grow up with and this is what truly matters.

Keep trying w/ OE until you are successful and if not then listen to your heart.

Good Luck,

futurebeauty
Quote
Share

E&H
E&H

August 21st, 2011, 5:52 am #3

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
that you would love a DE child as much as your bio one. I have often thought of asking one lady on the pink board her perspective but have never got around to it. I have bio children from my first marriage and DE children from a subsequent marriage and I can tell you that I love my DE children just as much. I think we all wonder if we will love a second child as much as the first and subsequent children as much as the others but we always do. There is a lady on the pink who had DE twins first and a bio child after, I bet she thought the same thing. (AngMc) I've often thought of asking her as most ladies are worried as you are but I would take a guess that she thought the same at she was the other way around from most of us.
Quote
Share

snowbank03
snowbank03

August 21st, 2011, 2:16 pm #4

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
you should speak with a counselor who specializes in infertility. They may be able to help you sort through some of your feelings.

Is there a reason you need IVF? I think trying naturally or doing natural cycle IVF might be a good option for you until you are truly excited about DE.
Quote
Share

Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

August 21st, 2011, 2:24 pm #5

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
if you do.

It's possible that DE is not a good fit for you. I think you are very wise for thinking about & exploring your feelings & concerns. And it takes courage to put it out there for others to comment. On the DE boards, we are all quick to reassure one another - myself included - that all will be fine, etc. You seem fairly certain, though, regarding how you will feel about a 2nd child if not from your own eggs.

I can't say whether things will be fine or not. Maybe they will & you are experiencing the normal process of grief, cold feet, etc. But maybe you know yourself well & this isn't a good fit.

I wasn't sure if I should post, but something about your word choice & the fact I've never seen us even acknowledge favoritism here made me feel I should. In the fertile world, favoritism is a very real issue for some parents. One of my dear friends endured her mother's favoritism toward her brother her whole life & it still continues. So this is a real issue & we shouldn't fail to acknowledge it can & does happen simply because those of us who have DE children love them beyond measure & had to fight for them.

If, with great insight & reflection, you can't get passed your certainly you will favor your dd, I would not move to DE. This is a child you're contemplating & children are very perceptive. They also deserve to be wanted without question, however they come to be your children.

I hope you don't mind my honesty. It just struck me that we never acknowledge what is a real issue some parents struggle with (or don't struggle with if they're unaware of or not bothered by it). I'm not saying DE won't ultimately be the right choice for you, but you're wise to explore these issues rather than just assuming they will go away & getting caught up in the warm & fuzzy of things. Best wishes to you!!
Quote
Like
Share

bethphx
bethphx

August 21st, 2011, 2:37 pm #6

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
Whether or not you are doing DE. Most people express concern over how you will love a second child as much as the first...but I do think you need to explore all the options a bit more if there is still a chance with your own eggs...
Quote
Share

Joined: December 20th, 2010, 7:38 pm

August 21st, 2011, 3:12 pm #7

if you do.

It's possible that DE is not a good fit for you. I think you are very wise for thinking about & exploring your feelings & concerns. And it takes courage to put it out there for others to comment. On the DE boards, we are all quick to reassure one another - myself included - that all will be fine, etc. You seem fairly certain, though, regarding how you will feel about a 2nd child if not from your own eggs.

I can't say whether things will be fine or not. Maybe they will & you are experiencing the normal process of grief, cold feet, etc. But maybe you know yourself well & this isn't a good fit.

I wasn't sure if I should post, but something about your word choice & the fact I've never seen us even acknowledge favoritism here made me feel I should. In the fertile world, favoritism is a very real issue for some parents. One of my dear friends endured her mother's favoritism toward her brother her whole life & it still continues. So this is a real issue & we shouldn't fail to acknowledge it can & does happen simply because those of us who have DE children love them beyond measure & had to fight for them.

If, with great insight & reflection, you can't get passed your certainly you will favor your dd, I would not move to DE. This is a child you're contemplating & children are very perceptive. They also deserve to be wanted without question, however they come to be your children.

I hope you don't mind my honesty. It just struck me that we never acknowledge what is a real issue some parents struggle with (or don't struggle with if they're unaware of or not bothered by it). I'm not saying DE won't ultimately be the right choice for you, but you're wise to explore these issues rather than just assuming they will go away & getting caught up in the warm & fuzzy of things. Best wishes to you!!
I read a comment on over 40 board from a DE mom who said that she still feels sadness and anger even AFTER her DE success. It alerts me that for some people, which may very likely include me, the sorrow of the lost genetic link doesn't go away, although you seldom hear about it.

My aunts/uncles have strong favoritism towards one of their kids, and it doesn't bode well for the less favored child. There has been some kind of animosity among them when growing up. The last thing I want is to create an enemy from within the family for my DD, which defeats the purpose of pursuing #2 to begin with.

If both are DE children, or both bio children, favoritism may be much better tolerated. But if the less favored is adopted/DE, I am afraid the child at some point will keep finding justification why he/she is "less favored" even if it is actually not the case. I am not sure if I am capable of managing that situation.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: September 26th, 2008, 9:06 pm

August 21st, 2011, 7:14 pm #8

Whether or not you are doing DE. Most people express concern over how you will love a second child as much as the first...but I do think you need to explore all the options a bit more if there is still a chance with your own eggs...
good point nt
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: August 12th, 2004, 4:42 pm

August 22nd, 2011, 2:02 am #9

I have a 16-mo old bio child from first IVF, and after she was born, I went through 4 failed IVF to pursue a sibling for her. Recently I was diagnosed with more problems which may require the use of a surrogate.

Financially, it is not a problem so far, so I don't have to save money towards DE, I can keep cycling with my own eggs till 45 (almost 42 now), with or without a surrogate. But I am more concerned about pumping so much hormone into my body, and I want to be around for my DD. The main motivation for my trying is that I love my DD so much that I want to provide her with a blood-related lifelong companion.

I thought about DE often, but I am really afraid that I would not treat the DE child equally, to put it lightly. I know if I see the DE child fighting with my DD, I would side with my DD right away. If the DE child turns out to be smarter brighter than my DD, I may be very resentful. If I see DH spending more time with DE child or liking the DE child more, I would feel distraught. I have trouble visualizing myself loving a child not biologically related to me. I know kids are very sensitive, so if I cannot convince myself to treat them equally, they will notice. And since my DH is still blood related to DE, I feel I am opening a can of worms. If I didn't have a bio child already, I would have felt completely receptive to the idea, and I can see myself loving the DE child as mine.

So, am I just not ready? Or is this my set way of thinking, so that I have no choice but to keep trying with OE, and if I cannot succeed, just be happy that I have had one bio child?

I hope I am not offending anyone here, just sharing my genuine concerns. I wish I could overcome this psychological barrier.
...have a second child by this method, if you "know" you would consider him/her to be "less than" your current baby? The scenario you just painted was so strong and unequivocal; in all honesty I've never seen anything like it. I truly believe you should not pursue a second pregnancy (by any means) until you can think of that baby NOT as a "DE" baby, but simply as YOUR baby, in exactly the same way your current baby is YOUR baby! To have a second child just to give your first child a sibling is not a good reason to have a baby, IMO... the only legitimate reason to have any child is because you deeply want to love and cherish another child. No child deserves less than that! As others have said, in all likelihood you would naturally bond with your second child just as every other mother here and on the pink board has. But it's not a chance I would take until you are much less ambivalent than you currently are. You need to go into this truly believing you will love these children equally!

Maya
Last edited by Maya3 on August 22nd, 2011, 12:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: January 19th, 2007, 7:18 pm

August 22nd, 2011, 2:21 am #10

I read a comment on over 40 board from a DE mom who said that she still feels sadness and anger even AFTER her DE success. It alerts me that for some people, which may very likely include me, the sorrow of the lost genetic link doesn't go away, although you seldom hear about it.

My aunts/uncles have strong favoritism towards one of their kids, and it doesn't bode well for the less favored child. There has been some kind of animosity among them when growing up. The last thing I want is to create an enemy from within the family for my DD, which defeats the purpose of pursuing #2 to begin with.

If both are DE children, or both bio children, favoritism may be much better tolerated. But if the less favored is adopted/DE, I am afraid the child at some point will keep finding justification why he/she is "less favored" even if it is actually not the case. I am not sure if I am capable of managing that situation.
Certainly I could share such a tale of joy with you. I moved to DE not happily but with certainty. Motherhood has been so much more joyful than I ever imagined, & I think my boys are perfect in every way. I think they're beautiful, bright, & perfect. I love them beyond measure & I have no lingering grief over the loss of a genetic connection & I have no jealousy over dh sharing a genetic connection (I also have a phenomenal dh for whom DE is also no issue & parents & in-laws for whom DE is not an issue, to disclose fully). I do wonder if they will have questions or issues, as we plan to tell, although I don't know how or when. I hope they don't, but I know I can't predict or control how they will feel. We can only do the best we can.

But not everyone feels as I do. I have seen a few posts on the high fsh board & the over 40 board, probably the posts you have seen. While they make me sad to be completely forthcoming, the posters feel as they do & they are just as entitled to their feelings as I am to mine. So I think it is very wise of you to fully explore all your thoughts & feelings, & in no way should you be harshly judged for doing so. People are different & there is no one size fits all with any of this.

As for favoritism, it does exist, as we know. And I've seen it voiced by parents who have easy children vs. more difficult ones, for example. And some children seem to connect more closely to one parents or another. It's a real issue & parents who are fully aware, informed, & embracing of all their children can still end up grappling with it when they least expect it. So I think considering it as an issue is valuable.

I do think you will likely know whether it is the right path for you. For me, even though I still felt sad & surprised about having to do DE (I was 35), I knew it was the right choice for us. And the reality of it all has been way more than I ever imagined, in all ways positive. I hope the path becomes clear to you, one way or the other. Not knowing is so difficult.
Last edited by ariadne2 on August 22nd, 2011, 2:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share