A laugh a day

Games and Humor

A laugh a day

T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

14 Jan 2008, 15:04 #1

Without seeming too much of a downer in the funny forum, I have something I need to share. My mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer, and will be having surgery this week. The one thing I noticed in every piece of literature on the subject is to make sure cancer patients laugh because it helps in the recovery.

So I'm sure the Wraiths here can lend a hand in finding me little something funny to share with my mom over the next six months of chemo and radiation. Even if people dig up an old joke in this forum that especially tickled a funny bone it would be a big help. I'll grab a joke a day courtesy of the Wraiths and send it to my mom.

So if you read a joke that makes you laugh place it in this thread please. To help, each new entry could have a date so I can keep track of what to send. For instance I'll post the one I sent her today with today's date at the top. It's fine if we get some dates stacked up early.

Also, Mom is kind of old school so let's keep it relatively clean.

****

Wraith Medicine, January 14th

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

- (this was (supposedly) actually reported by a
teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday
away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to
live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.
Now, they live in a tin box and h ave ro cks painted green to look like
grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they
don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed
because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them
very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He
watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go
cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every
night
--- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll
house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for
pot luck.



My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his
retardment and says
I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I
will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

****

Looking for a joke for January 15th...
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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Darth Lex
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 01:40

14 Jan 2008, 18:15 #2

:console: :hug: for your mom.
T'Keira Lea @ Jan 14 2008, 10:04 AM wrote:Also, Mom is kind of old school so let's keep it relatively clean.
:giggle:

I think you should just email her that as one of the jokes. :p
"Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning." ~ The Big Bang Theory
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oldjedinurse
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Joined: 15 Feb 2006, 04:17

14 Jan 2008, 18:45 #3

:console: I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. :flowers: Here's to swift treatment and excellent recovery! :hug:
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T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

14 Jan 2008, 20:54 #4

Hey I know you guys are all going to feel for me because you're good buds. :buddies: But you can only post that here if you give up a joke or funny :spank:
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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Darth Lex
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Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 01:40

14 Jan 2008, 21:36 #5

Why did the chicken cross the road?




Because he didn't want to piss off the bike path.

:heehee:
"Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning." ~ The Big Bang Theory
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T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

14 Jan 2008, 22:05 #6

Smartass

:spank:
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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Darth Lex
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 01:40

14 Jan 2008, 22:26 #7

:doh: :innocent:

:knockout:

Okay, I'll return with a real joke later. :waytogo:
"Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning." ~ The Big Bang Theory
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oldjedinurse
Member
Joined: 15 Feb 2006, 04:17

15 Jan 2008, 00:19 #8

These are reeeaaaally bad... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse tell him which end to screw in.

How many triage nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

:rimshot:



Thanks for that icon, Lex. It was made for this post. :giggle:
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Solo_and_Fel
Member
Joined: 29 Nov 2006, 04:12

15 Jan 2008, 00:22 #9

Edit: Didn't see Oldj's before I posted so I changed the date for mine.

January 16th

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I still want Blood Oath.


Mayhem Squadron Commander
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oldjedinurse
Member
Joined: 15 Feb 2006, 04:17

15 Jan 2008, 00:24 #10

:lolabove: :gutbuster:

Love that one!!!

Solo_and_Fel wrote:Edit: Didn't see Oldj's before I posted so I changed the date for mine.
Your's is much better! TKL, use that one!
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T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

18 Jan 2008, 03:05 #11

Scrubs, Mommy got the doctor one. She needed to laugh about doctors. Besides I loved the one about the "change" Ouch!

Solo_and_Fel, I could totally see the Navy trying that one. :giggle:

On a positive front, my mom's surgery was a pretty good succes and she's home already. We were all laughing because she was quite talkative on the morphine.

Keep posting the funnies guys :waytogo:
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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Solo_and_Fel
Member
Joined: 29 Nov 2006, 04:12

18 Jan 2008, 03:33 #12

Glad to hear it went well!

This one was recently in the news.. so it's one of those funny 'cause it's true.

Jane Hambleton, of Iowa, executed some serious tough love recently when she discovered a liquor bottle in her son's car. Hambleton said she had two simple rules for her son when she bought him the car: no booze and always keep it locked.

Her 19-year-old college student son swore it wasn't his, but his mother didn't care.

Instead of listening to his pleas and explanations, she called her local newspaper and asked for the classifieds.

The ad read "Olds 1999 Intrigue - Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700 offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."
I still want Blood Oath.


Mayhem Squadron Commander
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Joined: 21 Aug 2006, 23:30

27 Jan 2008, 03:01 #13

TKL, I'll keep your mother in my prayers.



"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."


Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
There is no mistaking a real book when one meets it. It is like falling in love. - Christopher Morley
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T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

27 Jan 2008, 23:12 #14

:lolabove: :lol:

Thanks, Aurra! :waytogo:

Keep 'em coming, guys! :dancing:
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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T'Keira Lea
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 03:12

09 Sep 2009, 12:53 #15

Just in case you need a laugh for Tuesday:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode..
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
“Bones is heading into its 7th year & there comes a point where you put up or shut up...You can’t extend that tension that long without your fans breaking." ~ Castle's creator

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jade51999
Member
Joined: 23 Nov 2005, 19:08

09 Sep 2009, 13:11 #16

The last one was the best.
Blog: ...this is what comes next
Twitter: @priyastoric
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oldjedinurse
Member
Joined: 15 Feb 2006, 04:17

09 Sep 2009, 13:14 #17

:rotflmao:

I love them all, but I think this is my favorite:

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.


Just forwarded those to my brother, a former pilot.
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Solo_and_Fel
Member
Joined: 29 Nov 2006, 04:12

09 Sep 2009, 23:00 #18

Those were great.
:D
I needed that.

This was my favorite:
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
I still want Blood Oath.


Mayhem Squadron Commander
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Darth Lex
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005, 01:40

09 Sep 2009, 23:39 #19

:rotflmao: :gutbuster: :rotflmao:
"Okay, if you're going to question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning." ~ The Big Bang Theory
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oldjedinurse
Member
Joined: 15 Feb 2006, 04:17

12 Oct 2009, 13:58 #20

Oh, those wacky westcoasters in Vancouver...

If they can't recognize a deer...how will they find Bigfoot?
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