Bad Direwolf Mutt
Cock Merchant
Cock Merchant
Joined: 11:15 AM - May 31, 2016

6:49 AM - Jul 27, 2018 #151

Ssshhh wacky I love yo shreds and I love that back story with the mother and I love this shred so much!!!
I have a request. Dunno if you've done it yet because I may have missed se shreds but Moana? Brienne as Moana. Jaime as Maui. Te Ka/Te Fiti would be perfect for Catelyn/Lady Stoneheart. MURDEROUS HALFPINT and Sansa may or may not be the heart of Te Fiti. I only ever wrote this as a meet :brienne2: and had some ideas for major plot points but no details. Maybe you can add more details to my casting xD
(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ o(≧▽≦)o I CANNOT EVEN---! because I'm odd.~ σ(≧ε≦σ) ♡ (ಠ o ಠ)¤=[]:::::>

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Golden Bitchslapper
Golden Bitchslapper
Golden Bitchslapper
Golden Bitchslapper
Joined: 11:53 PM - Oct 01, 2016

9:24 PM - Jul 27, 2018 #152

You know you are, Wacky!
I was once a Bath Steamer!

december13 aka me! on AO3

Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

12:48 PM - Jul 28, 2018 #153

Thanks a lot. And BDM, thanks for the prompt, I will have to admit I struggled with that one. As I alluded to in the shoutbox, there are some political issues I take with taking narratives clearly belonging to a certain culture that is explicitly NOT white.

I had my issues with this one because I am no huge fan of cultural appropriation. Since the film (if not always very well according to critics more deeply invested into Polynesian culture, mythology, and sociology) is based on Polynesian characters and is thus supposed to reflect their culture, I really have my hesitance to shred that movie JB style. Because I am a very much against whitewashing for obvious reasons. However, I also did Mulan by simply leaving out the Chinese culture and really taking it all the way to Westeros and just took up on the plot points instead of trying to fit them into Chinese culture and representatives of that culture. Thus, this is what I am attempting here now, too. I don’t want to erase Polynesian culture or characters and nothing could be further from my mind to try to imagine this movie with white characters instead. Similarly, this one seems very hard to shred in terms of romance because the narrative largely relies on Moana not having a love interest. It is about self-discovery rather than finding her lover. And the entire message of the movie (even at the cost of accuracy towards the Polynesian culture and mythology) largely revolves around that plot point instead of her having to find a guy she would want to be with. Even more so because Maui is not… her love interest in the movies by any means. So yeah, I am taking this as far as I can, but really, anything Polynesian or affiliated with the culture has to go, or else I really feel uncomfortable with this (as I should). Therefore, this will also not feature Te Fiti/Te Kā for precisely that reason. Also, Jaime does not get moving tattoos for that same reason as they are inherent markers of the culture. I just don’t want to step on that territory. No canoeing in Polynesian fashion, no coconut blight. No tropical island feel.

That being said, here is how far I go with Moana.

Once upon a time…

Brienne is very much frustrated and sad. Just recently, her last betrothal with Wagstaff was broken after she broke some bones. Her father has been furious, and while he understood why she did it, this basically put the nail in the coffin for finding a suitable match for her. As of late, Brienne has felt even more ostracized. She wants to sail across the Narrow Sea more than anything, but her father forbids her since a very young age. And he keeps the exact reason from her.

Thus, she starts to wander off late at night to clear her head. She feels like a disgrace towards her father, since she is his only living heir. And because she is such an ugly thing, it doesn’t stand well to find her a suitable match to thus become the next Evenstar. Goodwin catches her wandering around Evenfall Hall, and Brienne bears her heart to him about how she doesn’t understand why her father won’t let her be in the ocean, even though they live on an island. Goodwin decides to tell her the truth. He takes her to a chamber that is normally locked. Inside is basically a small shrine for what turns out to be Galladon.

“Your brother was taken by the sea. He drowned, and your Lord Father never moved past it. His pain was beyond any measure. And so was that of your mother. Neither one ever overcame that grief. When your sisters and your mother passed, too, your Lord Father thought that it was the sea that was cursing him, and so… to protect you… he wanted to ensure that you do not follow your brother’s path. He got called to the sea, one night is all it took and Galladon was gone forever. And you… when you were only just a small child seemed to hear a familiar song and wandered off to the sea whenever you could, got into the water… and that is when he decided to rather keep you here, where the sea cannot take you away from him. Your father loves you and wants to protect you, even if that means to have you hate him a bit for it. He does it for love.”

Brienne is shocked to hear that, even though that sheds some light on why she is the only one on Tarth who is forbidden from using a boat. She spends the next few days increasingly drawn to the sea. Something inside her tells her that she should be out there. And no, she does not sing a song about it. Things take one turn after the other when Goodwin grows ill and eventually passes away and this year’s harvest turns out total shit in the entire Stormlands because it suddenly turns very cold. And as it turns out, things are not looking brighter in other parts of Westeros because Winter has come, far faster than anyone imagined or predicted.

Wanting to find a solution, she starts to search the books, until she finds an old account of Hammer of the Waters, which was vital in sealing the deal between the children of the forest and the First Men. Hundreds of greenseers of the children of the forest gathered at the Isle of Faces and made sacrifices to the weirwoods. They brought forth the Hammer of Waters, which resulted in the shattering of the Arm of Dorne into the Stepstones and the Broken Arm, thereby separating Westeros from Essos and creating the world that they now know. To the :hat: misery of the children, it was too late already, though, because the First Men already made it to Westeros before they could break it apart from Essos. However, the power they thereby proved to possess convinced the First Men to form a pact with the on the Isle of Faces. The mystical hammer was lost at sea when Winter came and the White Walkers came marching (what the books don’t mention is that it was the creation of the children of the forest against the people, but oh well, spoiler alert). In another account, she finds the Azor Ahai story, or rather, the *water* is telling her that this is important since the cup of water she had standing there suddenly spills over to sprinkle on the page in question to draw her attention to it. Brienne is thus ever the more convinced that the two stories belong together.

Selwyn has her summoned at some point. They talk about the nearing Winter and Selwyn explains to her why he pushed so hard on the marriage for her, because he wants her to become his heir, and take his spot soon enough. He gives her some item that used to belong to her mother that she is supposed to keep since that is what she wore as Lady Evenstar. Brienne is touched by this, since she still feels like she is a failure as any kind of leading figure, but she also feels like that is not her destiny. Hus, she expresses her wish to investigate the matter she found out about in the books. She wants to travel to the Isle of Faces, by ship, and then make it there via horse. Selwyn isn’t having it, tells her that it is too dangerous. Brienne breaks out to tell him that she is not Galladon, and that she has her own destiny to find, whatever it may be. The two have a huge fight and Brienne storms up to her chamber. Once night comes, Brienne can hear what she refers to as “the call” again, drawing her to the sea. She steals out of her chamber and to the ocean. By some almost magical wink of fate she finds a ship and boards it. Brienne is shocked at how fast the current takes her away, but it seems the sea is truly calling her. Brienne thus sets sail towards the Isle of Faces.

Later that night, Selwyn wants to talk to Brienne and goes to her chamber, only to find it empty. He finds the item he gifted to Brienne sitting on the bed, alongside a letter wherein she tells him that she is sorry for giving him such trouble, but that the destiny he sees for her is nothing she can see, because she is ugly and a failure as an heir, but maybe she can finally answer the call and thus redefine her destiny. She asks him not to think ill of her, because she does it for him as much as for their people.

“The things we do for love.”

Back in the sea, things don’t go too well for Brienne. While she is rather natural at handling the oars, she lacks the training. She is caught up in a storm eventually and her ship wrecks on a, for the sake of the story, uninhabited version of Driftmark. Once Brienne wakes back up, it is bright day again. She wanders around until she comes to some huge cliffs. When she comes closer, Brienne notices that things are carved into the stones, and she recognizes the symbols from what the books she read had on the children of the forest and the Hammer of the Sea. Brienne is then surprised by a painfully good-looking young man, though the guy is also full of sass and tells her to stay the hell away from his home. Brienne wants to know whether he did the stone carvings.

“What’s it to you?”

“I must find the Hammer of the Sea. That is why.”

“Good luck with that. It was mine, but it was taken away from me again. Good luck convincing the Gods of giving it back to a mortal like you.”

“So you are not a mortal?”

“I am a demigod.”

“You don’t look very god-like.”

“How many demigods have you met? How many gods, hm? And now leave me alone.”

“So what is this here? Are you just hiding away? In case you did not realize it, Winter has come, without any kind of warning, long before it was due.”

“It’s nothing to me. Not anymore. A demigod doesn’t have to eat. He doesn’t feel thirst or suffer the cold. So I will just see the world face its destiny.”

“Are you that craven?”


“If you are truly the man who once wielded the Hammer of the Sea, then it is craven for you to just idly sit by while the rest is falling into despair.”

“I once intervened, and that is when I lost my hammer. And now I have to stay here because only a life can pay for a life.”

“What do you mean?”

“I won’t answer that.”

Brienne = confused, but she won’t let that stop her. She has a mission to fulfill, so she goes about fixing up her boat. Jaime watches her, finding it funny to see her try.

“Have you even sailed before? That’s not at all how the sail is supposed to be set.”

“I sailed to here,” Brienne answers stubbornly while she goes about the task. “And the sea was in my favor until a storm came.”

“The sea is never in anyone’s favor for long. And if I were you, I would give it up. You won’t repair it like that.”

“In contrast to you, I am not willing to give up.”

Jaime gives her the stinkeye for it, not at all liking it to be challenged by this stubborn, mannish woman who should have no business speaking to him that way, after all, he is a demigod and all. Jaime starts to change his mind somewhat once storm reaches the shores before he can do so much as prepare. The waves threaten to destroy his little home he built for himself. He watches in shock as Brienne appears, steps in front of the house, and in fact, the waves retreat without destroying the house.

“How did you do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I just don’t know. Until a few days ago, I did not even go anywhere near the ocean because my father forbade me to. I don’t know why the sea listens to me sometimes, but not at other times. I am just glad that your house is still in one piece.”

“… Do you want to come inside? The rain won’t get any better.”

“I thought you don’t want to have anything to do with me.”

“No, but a Lan… a demigod always pays his debts. Now come.”

Brienne is touched by the gesture and welcomes being inside rather than camping out by the beach. Jaime keeps poking her with questions about the call, and Brienne tells him all that she knows, that her brother heard it before her and drowned in the sea. And that she hopes that the Isle of Faces will hold the answers of how to keep Winter from killing them all.

“If there is a way to save the people… I have to do it. Honor compels me.”

“The people won’t thank you for it, though. Rest assured. They will think it was the weather alone that changed the course of the world.”

“It’s not renown I am chasing. It is just the protection of those I love.”

“And that may cost you more than you are prepared for. I should know.”


“I paid the price, and up to date, no one has paid me back in kind.”

Things continue for a while until Jaime decides to help Brienne fix the boat. He reveals that he also comes from the coast and is thus a gifted sailor. Brienne starts to question his status as a god because it sounds like he grew as a normal man. Eventually, the boat is ready and Jaime wants to give her a quick introduction into the basics, but that is when a sudden current sweeps the boat away, with no way to just get back, no matter how much Jaime tries to turn the boat back around.

“That is your doing!” he shouts.

“I have nothing do with that! I swear!”

“You just want to keep me and use your powers to make it happen. Wench, I curse you!”

“I said I had nothing to do with it! And don’t call me wench!”

But there is no way of helping it. The current only ever lets them off the hook once they arrive at Duskendale. Brienne offers Jaime the boat as retribution to sail back to his home, and Jaime is like “and that is the very least you can do.”

Brienne doesn’t really care, only ever expresses her disappointment that he won’t help the people even though he likely would have the powers to offer some kind of relief, but that she won’t keep him from staying in his home being alone and miserable. She then wanders off into town to get provisions and a horse to ride to the Isle of Faces. Jaime is all angry and frustrated for getting some truth handed to him, but as he is by the port later on, he can overhear a guy talking to another, and it turns out he is the person who sold Brienne a horse. He wants to steal it back and take her remaining money and whatever else, implying that he would not hesitate to kill her. Jaime’s wench senses are thus tingling, so he leaves the boat and wants to help Brienne, but by the time he arrives, the guys are already there, and Brienne knocks them into the dust before Jaime can even say anything. When she asks why he came back, he is all joking about it and scoffs, “Well, it’s certainly not because I dreamed of you, wench.”

Brienne tells him another time that he is free to go and that while she appreciates that he came back to offer help, she evidently does not need it. Jaime eventually is like “yeah, you do,” gets himself a horse as well, and the two set out to the Isle of Faces.

Adventure times ensue that put them closer together, but Wacky ain’t shredding them because Wacky is lazy that way, it is known. Anyway, they start to bond once they discover how :hat: ly they harmonize in battle. At some point, Brienne simply can’t take it anymore and starts asking the uncomfortable questions about how comes he grew up by the coast, even though he is a god and why he went into hiding.

“I was not born a demigod, I was made one.”


“My full name is Jaime Lannister of Casterly Rock, son of Tywin.”

“But… that cannot be. I also heard the story of the young heir who tragically passed away as a young lad. Jaime Lannister died in a tragic accident.”

“That is what my father would want to have you believe.”

“What? He… he killed his own son?”

“He wanted to, just not his precious heir. He wanted to kill my little MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA brother, Tyrion. He wanted to toss him into the ocean. Because he thought Tyrion was the monster at fault for my mother losing her life giving life to him in turn. My father was mad in grief and anger to the point that he was willing to toss a child whose only crimes were to have been born, born a dwarf, and born to a mother who was to die. I had overheard him say it, so I followed my father when he carried my little brother to the cliffs of Casterly Rock. And just as he was about to do it, I jumped him from behind. My father didn’t see it coming. I stood right by the cliff and wrestled my MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA brother from his grip, but then I lost footing and… all I could do was make sure my little brother stayed up there on the cliff. And then I fell.”

“Jaime, I…”

“I sank to the bottom of the sea and… that was when the Old Gods found me and… changed me. They brought me back to land, and they gave me the Hammer of the Waters. It gave me the ability to shapeshift, enormous strength… I was almost a god. Once I was by the shore, the children of the forest appeared, and they took me with them. I learned how to wield the hammer from them, for many years… by the time I was ready, I was an adult.”

“And… didn’t you ever mean to go back to your family?”

“No. As I said, one life for another. It was my life for Tyrion’s. I had since heard that my loss had made him refrain from attempting to take Tyrion’s life. And I want it to stay that way. So long I am dead, Tyrion will live.”

“And how did you end up here? How did you lose your hammer?”

“I wanted to find a new purpose. So I swore myself to the Kingsguard. I thought that this was a good way to protect the realm. Because that is what the children told me was my mission. To protect the people. And so I became Ser Jaime, just Ser Jaime. No one knew who I was or from whence I came. I took on the White to serve my people, my king. But the King was no good king. He was a Mad King. And it took me far too long to gather the strength to run a sword through his back and end it. I became known as the Kingslayer. I knew that they would want my head for this, but that would have revealed me as the demigod I am, which is not impossible to kill, but… a lot tougher, I daresay. I went back to my chamber to get the hammer and transform into a bird and fly away, but when I got there… the hammer was gone, without a trace. And with him, the children were gone, too. I couldn’t find them anymore. I spent a long time searching for the hammer, but I found nothing. And then… I said to myself that I had done enough, enough good and enough damage. So I built a home where I could spend the rest of my days. Because my destiny was not the one the children foretold. I protected half a million people from being consumed by wildfire, but I cannot prevent Winter from coming because I chose to slay Aerys and that made me lose the weapon it takes to fend off the White Walkers. I have failed. I always failed. I failed to save my brother without throwing myself into the abyss. I failed at being a god. A man of the Kingsguard. The bearer of the Hammer of the Waters. And I am just sick and tired of losing.”

“You saved your brother. You saved half a million people. They live because of you. He lives because of you. The Gods chose you for a reason, and who knows? Maybe you are yet to discover what your destiny is supposed to be. I don’t know either, but I want to believe that maybe there is a :hat: er role for us to play. But we won’t ever achieve that by lingering in the past. We must move forward.”

Things take a sudden turn when they are surprised by the Brotherhood without Banners. They seemingly have orders to bring the two to some secret hideout. JB struggle, but they can’t win. While Jaime uses some demigod power for damage, it’s not nearly enough without the hammer to make it. The two are thus taken elsewhere, only to be brought before dun-dun-dun Lady Stoneheart. She has her translator for zombies tell them that she knows what they are up to and that she will not let Jaime have his hammer back by any means. Because - - - spoiler - - - the Hammer of the Waters can end all magic, and it is this magic that keeps her alive, so she can’t have that. Brienne gets a bit of hearteyes when Jaime insists that they let her go, evidently wanting to protect her, and while his attempt remains futile, she finds it all kinds of sweet of him. Jaime is the first guy other than her father who comes to care about her in that way, after all.

Things are looking :brienne2: grim for the two, but the captivity puts them *real* close together. Jaime has long since accepted that he actually gives a fuck, not just about earth, but particularly about Brienne. At the same time, he knows for a fact that there is no possible way for this to go any further. He is a demigod, which means he does not properly age. Brienne can’t join him in that eternity, granted that such will exist past Winter. The only way for them to be together on mortal terms would be if he died in battle.

In the arms of the woman he… kind of really likes and respects and OMG have you seen her fight? She is such a :hat: fighter. And she has nice legs and stuff. She may be ugly, but damn, does she have legs.

Denial much.

Brienne, for her part, gets the heart fluttering all the while because Jaime is suddenly quite nice to her, you know, holds her close in the cold night, the usual shenanigan. It has her think about whether her destiny truly was to never find someone who would love her and simply fulfill the mission or die in the attempt. But yeah, she thinks she is ugly and he is a god, so there is no way he would want her, amirite?

Denial much.

So much denial.

Brienne warms up to Thoros a bit as he laments that Beric was seemingly wrong in reviving her (he drops the whole backstory I won’t bother with… because we have to work that without the whole red wedding shenanigan or else this will only ever be HUGELY complicated) and that this doesn’t feel like justice anymore. Brienne shows negotiation skillz when she keeps talking to Thoros to convince him that they may be the only shot humanity has to fend off the evil coming from the North. She makes a bargain that she shows him that she can do something that others can’t and that it may be vital to make it work. Brienne thus controls the water of the stream they are at. Thoros is then sold on the idea that she is the girl he saw in his vision, the girl who tempered the fire burning within a stone heart. He creates a distraction that Jaime and Brienne can use to get away.

Jaime comments on how she would make a good negotiator if she tried a bit harder. Brienne is like “Yeah right whatever.” They continue to the Isle of Faces, now all the while having the BwB (I pronounce the acronym bewb inside my head) chasing them. They reach the outer rim of the isle, but they lack the time to build a boat to sail it to the island within.

“I think I might have an idea. But for that, you will have to trust me,” Brienne says.

“Trust you? A truce.”


“Well, considering the other options we have, I reckon it can’t harm to try.”

Brienne uncertainly holds out her hands to him to take them. Jaime takes them without a moment of hesitation, which strikes her as odd because most people would always be hesitant about touching her. Jaime thinks all “aw, her touch is so gentle and omg what is this feeling.” Brienne then steps onto the water Jesus style and takes Jaime with her until both shakily stand on the water. Then a wave comes and they are pushed forward, which is why they have to actually embrace each other, so not to lose contact. Aw. Such ex machina.

The two tumble to the ground (Jaime holds her all protective and shit, like, real close to himself, and he is wet, and she is wet, not in that way just yet, but we are getting there…), but actually are on the Isle of Faces, which will be tough for the BwB to get to. At least for now. For reasons. The two wander around aimlessly for a while, until they make it to the center to where the heart trees are located. And at last, they seem some children of the forest. Jaime is all teary because those guys practically raised him. The children are quick to note that Brienne is a daughter of the ocean, and bears the heart of the sea. They provide some exposition on the White Walkers and eventually confess that they brought them forth to keep humans from destroying their home.

“Though the price was far too high. We did not know. We only wanted to live. And with that… we brought death into the land.”

“And ever since, history has repeated itself. It is a cycle that goes round and round again. And the White Walkers keep coming, unless we find a way to break the cycle.”

They confirm that Brienne is right and that Lightbringer is the only solution, though they don’t have a clue either how to make it or where it is.

While no one really knows what the prophecy shenanigan they drop means (and neither does Wacky at this point of shredding), Brienne gets the feeling that this is what the call meant for her all along. She explains the situation and how they have to find the hammer. The children are all cryptic and tell them that only the Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa can end the endless cycle. That the flames must be tempered to bring forth Lightbringer. And that the heart of the sea and the heart of fire must beat as one for light to be born from it. JB be all frowny faces. Wacky is all “fear my yadda yadda because it makes no sense, but it would if this was an actually written out story… maybe.”

The children then tell Jaime that if he wants to have the hammer back, he has to find it again, “in the heart of a tree that is your own.” JB are confused and need a few moments to themselves to continue being confused. They go to the water and sit down to talk and think this through, because the children can only give them the riddle but not the answer. They only pass down what was given to them from the greenseers. Jaime expresses his confusion at the idea that the hammer will return to him when he basically discovers his own heart.

“I didn’t really think I ever lost it. I lost the hammer. The Gods decided against me, supposedly because of Aerys, for not acting fast enough, or for killing a king after all. I don’t know what the Gods would want of me.”

“Perhaps it is about choosing yourself,” Brienne ponders.

“What do you mean?”

“You spent all those years serving. You spent them fulfilling what you thought was a :hat: er purpose. You gave your life for your brother’s. You have lived almost no life, and that even though you are a demigod. You only ever had the bare minimum of things. The hammer was given to you to save you. It was given to you for you, no one else but you. The hammer was entrusted to no one else but you. So maybe… it’s truly about choosing yourself, like the Gods once chose you.”

Jaime ponders that for a while, and then decides to do as she says – and he kisses her. Brienne belike WTF and … mhm, hot… in the process, Jaime leans over and has one hand against a heart tree, and woop, there is light of magical ex machina shenanigan. And out of the roots comes the hammer. Jaime is overjoyed to finally have it back, Brienne, still quite shaken after that phenomenal kiss, is also glad, because that means they may have a chance to fend off the White Walkers after all. Brienne asks him why he kissed her, he tells her that h is following her advice and chooses what his heart is telling him.

However, they are interrupted in their romanticness when things turn truly ice cold. JB watch in horror as the water around the Isle of Faces freezes, thereby announcing that the White Walkers are not far away. Jaime can use his shapeshifting abilities again, so he transforms into a big hawk or something and JB want to intercept before the White Walkers can reach the Isle of Faces. Things go down at the Crossroads, hence the Trident. The water there is also frozen, so the two land on the middle of the ice. They are shocked to see Lady Stoneheart there, as she seemingly wants to join forces with the Night’s King. She is basically the Corpse Queen, supposed to give him the heart of fire that keeps her alive to make magical shit happen. JB are frantic because they still don’t know how to get Lightbringer, but they charge into battle anyway. Jaime can finally whoop some more ass because he has his hammer back. A rupture in the ice has the water break through the cracks and Brienne can suddenly hear the call again. Cue for overlay with the voiceover of what the children of the forest told her about the heart that has to be tempered and how she bears the heart of the sea. And that is when it clicks inside Brienne’s head.

“I think I now know what my destiny is.”

“What? I think we have to delay that until later, wench! We are quite busy here!” Jaime calls out as he fends off White Walkers.

“No, it cannot JB BANGTICIPATION. You showed the way, and now it is mine to walk till the end,” Brienne argues. Jaime be like WTF, so she goes on, “You are the Azor Ahai. You have always been. And you tempered the heart of fire when you killed Aerys. But you didn’t do it with the hammer of the water, so the heart lived on. It was not time yet, because you did not have the heart of the sea. My brother had it before me, but the water took him because it was not his time either. You didn’t have the heart, but I do. We were destined to be here together, at this point in time, to intervene, to stop the Song of Ice and Fire.”

“Brienne, what are you up to?”

“When I give you the sign, I want you to swing down the hammer as hard as you can to break the ice. And you must not hesitate, understand?”

“But if the ice breaks…”

“The sea will reappear. I can hear it calling me. It has always been calling me. It is my destiny, Jaime, it’s always been.”

Jaime tells her not to go, but Brienne proceeds towards Lady Stoneheart.

“You never should have been forced to bear the heart of fire. But I promise, I will make it go away now. I will make you better again, Lady Catelyn.”

The Night’s King wants to interrupt, but Brienne then pulls Stoneheart away and uses the bit of water seeping through the crack to create a wall between them and the Night’s King. Brienne then shouts at Jaime to break the ice. Jaime does so and brings down the hammer. The crack follows all the way to Brienne (because the water is calling the shots) and she and Stoneheart are sucked underwater. Jaime shouts out her name as the hammer suddenly transforms into a sword, Lightbringer. Jaime rushes ahead to take on the Night’s King.

Underwater, Brienne and Cat basically sink to the bottom (which is like that lake in Spoils of War, much deeper in the CGI version than in real life for matters of drama). Red and blue light shenanigan happens and Lady Stoneheart increasingly turns back to a normal… undead Cat. Because this is magical shit, they can talk underwater. The red light fades away and Cat feels that the bad power is leaving her at last. She thanks Brienne for saving her. Brienne apologizes for not finding another way. Brienne watches as the red light goes completely out and thus the heart of fire is tempered. Brienne is prepared to have the heart of the sea (herself) also tempered and taken by the ice to complete the Song of Ice and Fire and fulfill the Nissa Nissa part of the prophecy, reckoning that this was her destiny all along. Cat tells her that she will go home to be in the rivers from now on. She fades into the water and basically disperses of some shit.

Brienne sinks to the ground and feels the cold take a hold of her. A passing thought is how a part of her wished her destiny would have involved sharing it with Jaime beyond that day, but she is glad that their paths crossed, so all is well.

Up on top of the ice, Jaime whoops White Walker ass with Lightbringer. He slays the Night’s King with the magic sword and that makes the rest of the assholes fall, too. Jaime wastes no time but dives into the ice water, transforming into a fish (no trout) to find Brienne and bring her back up. Jaime finds her at the bottom of the stream, and tries to get her up, but something magically keeps her in place. Jaime basically has a new nightmare become true because he gave his life to prevent Tyrion from being swallowed by the sea, and now the woman he fell in love with falls victim to the sea. That is not fair. Jaime transforms back into human form and kisses Brienne another time, detecting no heartbeat, no breath, nothing. He puts Lightbringer into her hands and that does the trick. She opens her eyes and the ice suddenly melts, not just on the water, but all around the Seven Kingdoms. JB both hear the call from the sea this time, urging them to live. The sword disperses into pure light and then disappears altogether. JB are swept back to shore.

“Never do that again,” Jaime curses when they still roll around in the wet sand and grass.

“I have no intention to repeat that,” Brienne huffs.

“Good, because you don’t get to leave me just like that ever again.”

“I have no intention to do so.”

Brienne wonders what will be now, after Jaime lost the Hammer of the Waters, which was basically the source of his demigodness. The children of the forest appear and thank them for the sacrifices they made to right their wrongs, confirming that the White Walkers have been defeated because their sacrifices were what was needed to temper the heart of fire and thus break the endless cycle of the Song of Ice and Fire. They confirm that Jaime basically lost his god status and is now a mortal after he gave the hammer over to the sea. Brienne is shocked, but Jaime is perfectly overjoyed, stating that he doesn’t want to spend eternity without her.

“Because I chose my destiny, and it is a part of yours, it seems.”

They kiss and basically seal the deal under a heart tree in the eyes of the Old Gods and the children of the forest.

Brienne and Jaime thus set sail to Tarth. Brienne is very anxious about facing her father after she ran away from her responsibilities, but when she comes in, he just holds her close, happy to have her back. He gives her the item he gave to her before and that she left behind, arguing that she “seemingly forgot it.” He tells her that he feels sorry for keeping her from the water and keeping those secrets. She tells him that she understands, because you do those kinds of things for the people you love. He tells her that he is proud of her and that he counts himself fortunate to be her father, thereby erasing any doubt in Brienne that she is a worthy heir, and that this is her self-chosen destiny. Jaime is also quite nervous about meeting the guy who recognizes him as the Kingslayer, but welcomes him into the family when he sees the way his daughter looks at the man. A big wedding is in place alongside a kind of coronation where JB are confirmed as the Evenstars of the next generation because Selwyn wants to retire.

Brienne has a surprise guest for him, having invited the *heir* of Casterly Rock, Tyrion Lannister. Jaime is close to tears, though he knows there is no way that Tyrion knows who he is. However, to his shock/relief Tyrion feels like they met before. Jaime tells him that if he would want to, he would tell him a :hat: secret that he must not pass on. If he has the time. Tyrion says he is all ears, but for now, the happy couple should celebrate, and so Jaime does, asking Brienne to dance with him, which has her all blushes at first, but in his arms, she dares to.

Focus pulls out and basically, turns out Jaime’s been narrating this shit which is the story he tells to his children, the next generation of Lightbringers/ Evenstars, who are all young masters at the oars since their mother insisted that they learn how to handle the oars since an early age. They are interrupted by Brienne coming in, telling him that the Lord of the Rock (since Tywin passed away and had no choice but give the Rock to Tyrion) arrived and wants to talk to him. Jaime kisses her as they walk down the hallways. The two ponder how curious it seems how destiny played for the two of them. But they reckon it was about how they chose their own destiny and thus found not just themselves but also each other.

Outside, the waves crush and for a moment, it seems like there is a young boy looking like Brienne (Galladon) walking next to a wave looking like a woman (Cat) taking a moment to look upon the isle, but then fade back into the ocean.

The End.

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Bad Direwolf Mutt
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Joined: 11:15 AM - May 31, 2016

2:33 PM - Jul 28, 2018 #154

I don't like white washing either and I definitely would not expect you to keep any cultural elements in Moana (so tattoos definitely did not cross my mind at all). I don't think this is cultural appropriation at all. :) This shred is set in Westeros with Westerosi legends and is only similar to the movie plot and it's well shred and not even fanfic so I think you're good :) Also, disclaimer: I don't ship Maui and Moana at all and like their relationship that way even if their antagonism and banter is very JB. XD

That said. OMG IZ :hat: and mostly what I imagined it as but better! :D I'm so glad you did it despite your hesitance.

Lmao bewb. This is gonna be stuck with me forever xD
(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ o(≧▽≦)o I CANNOT EVEN---! because I'm odd.~ σ(≧ε≦σ) ♡ (ಠ o ಠ)¤=[]:::::>

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Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

6:58 PM - Jul 28, 2018 #155

Thanks a lot, BDM. <3 I am glad that you liked how I shredded away. :wub: And thank you for that reassurance. As I said, I just don’t want to fall into the cultural appropriation mode. But yeah, I suppose we got the bases covered by taking it entirely to Westeros and doing away with the mythology.

So, I am following through with the kind suggestion by justme and will shred away at [size=150][color=#D0A9F5][b]The Last Unicorn[/b][/color][/size]. And I will shred this one hard.

[size=150][i]Once upon a time... [/i][/size]

Our story begins with a horsey-teethed, kind of ugly unicorn with a crooked horn that seems to be out of steel. She runs through the magical godswoods, minding her own business, but she is getting chased by some hunters who want to capture the last unicorn. The unicorn is very much distraught hearing that, because she cannot be the last of her kind. Though of course, it raises the question of why she never saw any other unicorn. The unicorn decides to leave the forest and search for her kind. On the way there, she meets a butterfly whose name is SEXY SELLSWORD and he wants a :brienne2: flower just for himself to spend the rest of his time, but no one is giving him any. Poor boy. He speaks no riddles, but just straight up tells her what he knows, namely that the unicorns were all chased away by the Red Lion of the Rock. The unicorn is very shocked to hear this, but resolves to find and free her kind. And so, she makes towards Casterly Rock. Her shock only ever continues when she discovers that the people truly do not know what a unicorn is anymore, mistaking her for a horse every time she comes across a human. Even more so because they say that it is so incredibly hideous a creature that they can barely believe that it is a horse.

However, as the unicorn lays asleep one night, she is approached by someone hiding in the shadows, a witch and her minion. The witch puts a spell on the unicorn to make her sleep till morning. When the unicorn wakes up, she finds herself in a cage with an additional horn attached to her forehead. The unicorn tries to break out, but there is a spell on the cage, allowing her no way out. She watches as people are led around by a dwarf who gives it the best show to announce the “monsters” and “magical creatures” this place holds, but whenever he opens the cage to the public, all the unicorn sees are normal animals, but the people take them to be satyrs, sea serpents, and manticores, when they are really just animals put in a cage. Once the show is over, a :brienne2: woman dressed in red steps forward and reveals herself as the owner of this little circus. The people are in awe and give her even more of their coins before being sent off. But the unicorn sees no :brienne2: woman, she sees one who is very, very old, walking with a hunch, her features filled with malice.

Once night nears, the woman disappears, leaving the dwarf to tend to the animals. He stops at what the unicorn identified as a lion with a missing paw that he introduced as a manticore to the people. He apologizes that he can’t let him out of the cage as he hands him the food. When he walks up to the unicorn, she is quick to speak up, “Why do you do this to us?”

“I would rather not, Lady Unicorn, but my hands are bound. I have to do this. I made a promise. And a Lannister always pays his debts.”

“You know that I am a unicorn, truly?”

“Just like I know that the lion is no manticore. Or that the satyr is a chimpanzee. Or the gruesome serpent no more than a snake. I know the true nature of those creatures, just like I know it of this wicked woman to whom I owe my services. Melisandre of Asshai is her name. It is only for the power of her deception that she can trick the commonfolk into the false belief that that they see unicorns and manticores… though they would not know that you are the only thing that is truly a creature born from magic.”

“If you release me, I will take you away, you have my word for it.”

“I cannot. This is the only life we have. And the only life where the lion’s safe. I promised him. It is no good life, but it is a life, at least.”

The unicorn then spots a dragon, a true dragon, though it is rather small.

“Brother, how did you end up in a cage like this?”

“The same way you did, sister,” the dragon answers. “I was asleep and when I awoke, I was in here. Though it is to the East where I belong. And to there I will return. But before that, I will let that treacherous Red Witch have a taste of the fire she is so fond of.”

“Why is she fond of fire?”

“It is her God. She thinks only the fire can cleanse the wretched world. And I will show her. I will show her, and if it is the last thing that I am to do.”

When all are fast asleep in the camp, the unicorn watches the lion walk circles in its cage, or rather, limping.

“Brother Lion, you should rest,” she calls out to him.

“That is none of your concern.”

“I meant no offense.”

“You should stop pushing him to release you. It will only bring him into trouble. So stop putting ideas into his head.”

“You want to stay in that cage?”

“I don’t want him to suffer the wrath of that wicked witch. She bound him with magic. And I do not know whether I can tear her to shreds before she can exe:brienne2: her magic on him. And that must not happen. Then I rather spend a lifetime in a cage.”

“You care about him.”


“Like a brother.”

“… the things we do for love.”

The lion turns away and starts pacing again. The unicorn is ever the more irritated. On the next day, she engages in discussion with the dwarf again and learns that he himself can cast some magic, but that he can only ever do tricks.

“I read all about it, but… those arts are nothing she will teach me. Or else she would have to fear that I would undo her curse and take flight.”

“But what if you have it inside you, the magic I mean? If you can do tricks, what hinders you from doing something :hat: er?”

“Because I am just a small dwarf, good for nothing, not even good enough to set a lion free from its cage. And the witch keeps the keys. I cannot free him.”

“I will free him if you help me break out.”

“He tells me that I should not.”

“Have courage.”

“I am a dwarf. We are not known for our courage or prowess in fight.”

The unicorn then starts to attack the cage with her horn. The dwarf beckons her to stop, or else she will break off her :brienne2: horn and injure herself, but the unicorn won’t stop.

“Please, please! Stop that!”

“Try to release me. That is all I demand of you. I will stop if only you try.”

“Fine, fine! But… I cannot make any guarantees.”

“And that is not what I am asking. I ask you to try, so please… what is your name?”


“And I am Brienne.”

The dwarf tries to cast magic, but it won’t work the first few tries. Then the lion awakes and tells him to stop that. Tyrion feels ever the more tempted to give up and follow the lion’s call, but then the magic works and the unicorn’s cage opens. Brienne jumps out of the cage and to Tyrion’s shock starts to ram her horn against the lock on the dragon’s cage to break it open.

“What are you doing? He will devour us.”

“Brother, I am setting you free, but in exchange for that, you must open the locks. After that, the fire you cast is up to you.”

“Sister, who do you think you are to command me?”

“I am the only one who can free you. That is why I command you.”

They are getting interrupted by Melisandre approaching. She is furious and swears that she will kill Tyrion for this. The lion freaks out in his cage. Melisandre wants to take back the unicorn, but that is when Brienne manages to open the cage and the dragon is freed. All fear for the worst already because he flies high into the air, but then he spews fire on the locks to release all animals. Melisandre watches in terror, but then wants to stab Brienne with a knife, but Brienne lunges forward first and rams her horn against her necklace. The spell that makes her young breaks at last and she turns into an old woman. Melisandre shrieks as the dragon comes charging. Brienne urges Tyrion and the lion to follow her and they get away at the very last second as the dragon chickenmcnuggets Mel. Tyrion is happy to ride the unicorn, whereas the lion laments that it is tough to keep up with her with only just three paws. Once they are safe again, they finally talk about what it is going on here. Brienne reveals that she searches for the last unicorns. Tyrion reveals that he is Tyrion Lannister, though that man is long since believed to be dead, and that the lion used to be Jaime Lannister, rightful heir to Tywin Lannister.

“He was cast into this shape by powers I do not know. And then we both were sold to the witch. It was a treaty sealed by magic, which meant that no one could break it other than a magical creature itself.”

“So you are also headed to Casterly Rock? Because that is where I must go to find my kind.”

“I want nothing to do with the Rock anymore,” the lion laments. “I am a lion now, no man. And while the lion is carved into the stones upon which the city stands, I have no faith that they would accept me as the son of Tywin Lannister.”

“And I am going wherever my brother goes. He protected me, he always did.”

“But if you were enchanted at the Rock, then this is where the solution may be to break the curse that took a hold of you,” Brienne argues. “Come with me and I will do my best to help you back home.”

“Why would you do that?” Jaime scoffs. “I have learned in due time that one cannot rely on people’s kindness.”

“You can trust me because I keep my oaths. I always do.”

And so, the three decide to team up to make towards the Rock. They undergo some many adventures in between that I will not type up now. Brienne learns that Jaime is very weary of the humans. The fact that someone would treat them that way, enchant him, sell them both off, and then the people who looked at the :hat: beast and laughed at the missing paw and all made him think that there is nothing good to be found in the humans past a certain point. He lost the paw the same day he was turned.

“I went to sleep with both my hands, and woke up with just one front paw,” Jaime recounts one night when they share a moment in the moonlight that has him think that the ugly unicorn looks kind of nice in that light. “Someone took it. I don’t know who did this to me, but since, I could not fight how I used to.”

“But still you fight. I find that admirable,” Brienne assures him. “It’s not that different from my horn.”

“You still have your horn.”

“But it is a sharp and crooked thing. I used to hurt myself with it a lot when I was still smaller,” Brienne recounts. “I had to find a way of bearing the horn, and I eventually did. And I think you can do that, too.”

“Why is that?” Jaime huffs. Like he lost faith in people, he also lost faith in himself and his abilities to fix things, because he couldn’t even get Tyrion and himself out of Mel’s clutches.

“Because I have faith that you can. You are brave. You have courage. And you have honor. That is all that matters to me in the end. And that is what gives you strength.”

The two share a moment as they watch the moon silently and fall asleep next to each other, dreaming of one another.

As things go on, Brienne, who is out of her forest for the first time, has to admit that she is quite shocked at the reality of the situation out there, and does not yet know how to make all of this work. Similarly, she starts to question what is going to be once/if she frees the other unicorns. She learned that she is an ugly thing (she had no concept of beauty until the people thought of her as an ugly mare) and looks different from the other unicorns, so who is to say whether they are going to accept her into their circle? Similarly, Brienne starts to feel strongly for Jaime and Tyrion, not just being protective of them, but honestly caring about them, and every now and then thinking to herself how nice it would be to stay with them. Though she always pushes that thought away again because she has a mission to fulfill.

When they come near Casterly Rock, but that is when they are surprised by the Lion of the Rock, a gruesome red beast made of fire. It starts to chase Brienne. She tries to fight it, but even her strong horn won’t help. Jaime tries to help, but with the damned paw, he can’t do much. But that doesn’t stop him from trying (Brienne was right on that, of course). Jaime urges his brother to do something with his magic, but Tyrion doesn’t know whether he can.

“I trust you! But you have to do it now, brother! Do it now! Now! Now!”

Tyrion unleashes all of his potential and starts to chant while Jaime and Brienne hold their ground against the Lion of the Rock. Jaime knocks Brienne to the side to dodge an attack. They both tumble through the air kind of entangled, and that is when they are hit by Tyrion’s magic (though Tyrion was aiming at Brienne alone). Suddenly, both find themselves very much as humans but also very much nekkid in each other’s arms. The Lion of the Rock retreats, since they are no longer magical creatures.

Awkward. Moment. Once they realize that they are nekkid in each other’s arms. But the situation is soon overshadowed by Brienne going into shock since she is now in a mortal body and can feel it fading, something she did not have while being a unicorn. Jaime holds her close to calm her, fully nekkid. But it’s total emotional, I am telling you. And awkward. Very awkward.

They then find Brienne’s horn, which was turned into a sword.

“Valyrian steel,” Jaime can identify at once. He gives it to her and Brienne starts to feel a wee bit better, but not much.

Tyrion eventually finds something for them to put on, so they can proceed to the castle.

“We can’t have you enter the city naked as on your namesday, now can we?”

Awkward changing montage and JB becoming conscious of the fact how close they were while nekkid. Mhmmmmm. Once all are set and dressed, they continue towards the Rock. Tyrion reckons that this :hat: ly changed the game because that means Jaime can reclaim his birthright and they can just go to the palace. Brienne beckons him to make her a unicorn again, but Tyrion tells her that the Lion of the Rock will find her, then, and since they stood no chance together already, she will hardly stand a chance on her own. Brienne reluctantly agrees, though she senses that something is not quite right with her.

They are irritated to find large parts of the city abandoned, and once they reach the keep, they expose themselves, only for Tywin to appear. While he is not happy to see Tyrion back, he is relieved to see his oldest son and true heir. When Jaime wants to know why so many people left, Tywin only ever says that they were cowards and made a run for it. He wants to know who the ugly, mannish woman wearing man’s clothing is.

“That is Brienne,” Jaime answers.

“Brienne who?”

“Brienne of… Tarth. The Sapphire Isle,” Tyrion jumps in, not hesitating for just a second to make shit up – because he heard that this island was long since abandoned, so most people don’t even know where heirs to that part of the realm may be or what names they have.

They then reunite with Cersei, who is positively pissed about seeing Tyrion back, and actually seems less than pleased about seeing her twin brother again either. Brienne wants to set out at once to find the unicorns, but Tyrion and Jaime, noticing that she still needs time to adapt to the new form, may have to take it slow for a while. Brienne only very reluctantly agrees to that, after all, she wants to fight and bring back her kin.

Tywin is already thinking about how he can now re-establish his empire meant to last a thousand years. Cersei expresses her concerns and that he promised her the “position.” But Tywin is :brienne2: dismissive about it, recounting that it was hugely thanks to her that the people left after he let her have a try at rule and she fucked shit up. Cersei, of course, only ever blames her sex on it and that this is why he won’t see her as true heir, but Tywin only ever built on her because she was his last heir left.

“Now there is your brother, so at the very least, he should get an equal chance. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Cersei does not approve, of course. However, she acts all nice to Jaime, then, even has a golden hand made for him, though he and Brienne privately joke about how a hook would have been more useful.

Jaime and Brienne begin to spend an even :hat: er deal of time together, now as humans. They start to train with tourney swords in the yard, take strolls around the gardens of the Rock, and Jaime has to realize that maybe this life is not the almost bad after all. Because he has wench feels. Brienne likes it very much herself to be that well cared for.

Jaime and Tyrion have a conversation one evening, pondering about how all seems to good to be true, because they are back, have been taken back into the family, and how Jaime now has any chance to inherit the Rock. Tyrion comments that he would probably very much like it if the “warrior woman who used to bear a horn, not a sword” became Lady of the Rock beside him, and Jaime surprises them both when he flat-out admits that he would very much like that.

“Then maybe we should do that… I mean, maybe you should. Maybe that is your destiny after all. That the two of you spend one life together, side by side.”

“Do you think she would agree?”

“I think you have to ask her in order to know.”

“But that would require me to… admit it to her.”

“That seems somewhat inevitable.”

“I am not good with words.”

“Then let your actions speak, brother. And I will use my time to see about what I can find out about the unicorns.”

And so, Jaime seeks out Brienne that same evening. She is on the terrace of her chamber, watching the moon when Jaime comes inside. They both look down on the sea and the night’s sky.



“Would you like to stay here?”

“At the Rock?”


“I don’t know. I came here for a purpose… I think.”

“You think.”

Brienne grows frantic when she can’t recall the purpose anymore. “I don’t know anymore. What did I come here for? What was my oath?”

“To find the other unicorns. Tyrion is working on it.”

“Other… unicorns.”

“You used to be one, too. Don’t you remember?”

“I remember less and less. It keeps slipping away from me. I don’t know what this is.”

Jaime holds her close to console her (he is strong enough, yo).

“What if I forget myself completely?”

“Then I will tell you every time again who you are until you remember again. Always.”

She looks at him with teary eyes. And Gods are they :brienne2: . They kiss and sit down on the terrace to watch the sky, lying in each other’s arms.

“Would you be alright if I stayed?”

“Of course. That’s why I asked. We could build a life here, if you wanted.”

“But there was something I was supposed to do.”

“To find the unicorns. The others. Your kind. And free them. Tyrion is working on it. And we will help him coming tomorrow. That was your oath.”

“But I can stay here? With you?”

“For as long as you liked.”

“Then I still for now…”

Jaime pulls her closer again, starting to feel real bad because he has the feeling that her staying at Casterly Rock would mean for her to lose herself. But he doesn’t want to lose her either.

Tyrion and Jaime observe with growing worry that Brienne keeps forgetting what she was and what her mission used to be.

“Maybe you should undo what you did and make her a unicorn again. We should be safe in here, don’t you think?” Jaime ponders.

“I am afraid that it may be more complicated than that.”

“Why so?”

“Because I hit you both. What if you turn back into a lion, too?”

“But things can’t stay that way. She isn’t happy like that. And I want her to be happy.”

“Before we can make her happy, we have to ensure that she is safe. The Lion of the Rock is still out there. I am close to finding a solution, Jaime, just give me a bit more time. Just keep reminding her. Stay by her side, hm? I bet you can do that very well.”

Jaime leaves Tyrion to his studies again to go see Brienne. He is just about to reach Brienne’s chamber when he is intercepted by his father. Tywin wants to speak to him privately, so he follows the older man into a separate room to speak of the matter. Tywin expresses his wish to make him heir again. Jaime says that he wants to choose his bride if he does, and that it has to be Brienne. Tywin is like WTF. Jaime insists that she is the only one he will have. Tywin agrees under the condition that he will continue his empire once he comes to pass. Jaime swears that he will. After that he leaves again to see Brienne. Jaime doesn’t know that Cersei lurks in the shadows, drinking wine. She keeps recalling Maggy’s prophecy as she goes, before cursing that no one will cast her down, not even the young more :brienne2: queen.

When Jaime reaches Brienne’s chamber, he wants to tell her about the good news, but Brienne is really short before losing it. When he keeps repeating the mantra about her oath and who she truly is, Brienne can’t seem to recall. She is frantic, so Jaime blurts out whether she would like to wed him and she is surprisingly fast to say yes, though it is really not just for the feelings she bears him but also to have a sense of who she is again. They kiss, but then Brienne asks him again what her oat was, and so he goes on to repeat it again, praying that his brother will find a solution soon.

Tyrion eventually finds the record in question, which reveals that in order to cast a man into a lion’s shape, you need a lion’s paw without fur (I am making shit up) and the tears of a hundred unicorns. He then finds something about how to cast unicorns into the sea, so that they can be used for some other purpose that someone seemingly looked at before, judging by the pages, but that is when someone takes him up from behind and knocks him in the back of the head. Turns out that it’s Cersei. No surprise right there.

Jaime is having a hard time because Brienne won’t even remember that the sword is her horn now and says all the while that she would not know how to wield it. Jaime wants to take her outside to the yard to make her remember all of this, but Brienne doesn’t want to. She says she has no business with the sword and tells him he can have it. Because he is supposed to be her husband.

“I give it to you willingly. Take it and wield it. You can put it to better use than I.”

“You can. You wield it better than I do with my missing hand. Brienne, please, don’t you remember any of this?”

“I only remember that I love you.”

Jaime is sadder than sad, and so he goes out to seek out Tyrion to ask for solutions. He finds the study empty, so he goes out to seek out his sister, wanting to know whether she has seen him, but her chamber is empty. He walks inside, calling out for her, but then he discovers *his actual hand* (it did not rot away coz of magic, so it’s not that much yuck… though it’s still :brienne2: ew).

Tyrion wakes up in a cellar and already feels like giving up. But then he reminds himself of what Brienne told him, to have courage and have faith in his own magic. He has a mission to fulfill, after all. So he sets out to the task to break out of his cage to warn Jaime and Brienne of Cersei’s intentions.

Jaime, meanwhile, has the bad feeling that Cersei may be after Brienne, so he rushes back to her chamber, shocked to find Cersei with her in there. He tells Brienne to get away from her because she means bad news.

“She is the last unicorn, is she not?” Cersei wants to know.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Jaime lies.

“You can fool yourself. She is the last puzzle piece.”

“To what?”

“My throne! My rule! All that you and Tyrion took away from me! I was meant to be heir! I was born first, and yet, Father favored you over me! But that ends! It should have ended when I summoned the Lion of the Rock! It should have ended when I rid myself of you two!”

“You did that!”

“I needed a lion’s paw. And we both know that the mountain lions have long since abandoned the Rock. And you are the Lion of Lannister. It was necessary. Just like father’s death was.”

“You killed him?”

“His body is still warm. He paid for all the times he underestimated me.”

“For what? To have the Rock?! I would have given it to you, for that you didn’t have to cast us out!”

“I did! Of course I did! Look at you! You willingly took over now! You want to marry that beast! You want to be heir and Father wants you to be! But it will end. I am the Lioness of the Rock! I am!”

She then turns to Brienne. “They suffered. I made them shed their tears for the ocean to swallow, so that the Lion of the Rock could be reborn. And he has since chased every single one of you. And you will be his to devour, too. Because he is the king of the animals.”

The earth starts to shake. Jaime already wants to take the sword that is Brienne’s horn to attack Cersei, in the vain hope that this will help the cause, but that is when the Lion of the Rock materializes inside the chamber and starts to attack them.

“Kill them! Kill them both! I will cast them down! I will win! The prophecy is wrong!” Cersei keeps shrieking.

Jaime tries his best to fend the thing off, but as a human, he hardly stands a chance. Brienne, driven by instinct, joins the battle, and while she can’t remember much of anything, her body remembers the movements, so the two try to fight off the Lion.

That is when Tyrion materializes in the room, much to Cersei’s shock.

“I did it!”

Jaime yells at him that he has to try to transform Brienne back into a unicorn at once. Brienne argues that she will not be able to stay with him if she transforms back, but Jaime tells her that he can’t see the woman he loves suffer.

“I made an oath, too, and I intend to keep my promise.”
[spoiler]Cersei tries to interrupt by having the Lion attack Brienne, but Jaime jumps in between and thus gets crushed by the Lion. It is very sad. So sad. *cries* Tyrion manages to turn Brienne back into a unicorn, and her horn is shinier than ever. She is overtaken by grief at the sight of Jaime’s dead body. She can no remember her mission. Tears stream down her face, unaware that this is the last puzzle piece for Cersei. The Lion of the Rock is thus at her absolute control and absolute strength. But Brienne shows courage and challenges the Lion anyway. She jumps over the terrace to the ground below, and the Lion follows her. When the Lion wants to spew magical red fire her way, Brienne uses her horn to its full potential, and no flame of that sort can so much as touch the Valyrian steel that is her horn. The tables turn and Brienne drives the Lion of the Rock into the sea. Cersei cannot believe it as the unicorns she banished to the sea all return to land.

Brienne, meanwhile, rushes back to where Jaime is. She nuzzles his face, and then touches his chest and stump with her horn, another tear rolling down her face. That does the trick to bring him back from the dead.

I guess Cersei may or may not toss herself into the sea out of sheer bitchery at this point. But I don’t know.

While Brienne is glad that Jaime is alive, she knows that she cannot stay with him anymore.

“I thank you, for loving me. I am the first and last unicorn to have witnessed that. But I thank you for this. I thank you for this life, however short, that I was granted to live with you. I will never forget it. Never again. I promise.”

Jaime strokes her mane and holds her face against his own, tears freely falling now. “I should come with you.”

“No, you have to stay here. You have a mission here. To rebuild what was destroyed. To make this place flourish again. You are your father’s heir. You made a promise to him, you told me.”

“Only if he let me wed you. But we won’t.”

“It doesn’t release you from your vow. You are heir. You will be Lord. And you will be a good lord, I know that. I have faith in you, Jaime, I always had. Always will. But it seems that worlds will keep us apart. Yours is here, and mine is… with my kind, even though they will never truly understand. But I will know, and I will never forget. That is all that counts. Even if that means I will truly be the last unicorn of my kind.”

“There is no one like you anyway.”

“Just like there is no one like you, Jaime Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock.”

Emotional forehead touching because I am cheap like that. Brienne then rushes off to guide the other unicorns back to safe forests.

“I am so sorry, brother.”

“It is not your fault,” Jaime argues. “I thank you. I found the love of my life, and for as long as I could, I was granted to love her.”

Jaime wants to go about the task of keeping his promises and rebuilding the city, but Tyrion knows by just looking at him that his brother is absolutely miserable. Because his beloved unicorn is somewhere out there.

Now, I could let this end here… but I am weak. So we will spin this further.

Tyrion goes back to his study and goes through every book he can find. And he eventually finds what he believes to be a way out. He goes to seek out Jaime.

“What do you want?”

“My brother’s happiness.”


“Hear me out. We both know you want to be with her.”

“She is gone. And there is no way I can join her. Even if you were to transform me into a lion again. There is no way for us to be together. I made a promise.”

“And you can keep your promise. But you will have to have faith in me and my abilities one more time,” Tyrion argues. “Because I dare to have courage. And I want to dare to make sure my brother gets to have the happiness he forewent in order to keep me safe. A Lannister always pays his debts, after all.”

“Tyrion, no.”

“If it is the Rock you worry about, be sure that I can handle matters in your stead, if you let me. But you have to trust me.”

“… I trust you.”

“Then come with me to the sea.”

They go outside to the shore. Tyrion presents a vial in which he caught one of Brienne’s tears (don’t ask me when he did that, he just did).

“Now give me your sword.”

Jaime holds it out to him and Tyrion drops the tear on it. The sword starts to glow. Jaime stares when the ocean seemingly opens up, leaving a trail ahead, though there is a barrier to cross.

“If you walk past that place, you will find yourself on the other side in the shape that it takes to be by her side. But it will mean you will spend eternity like this. And there will be no way of undoing it ever again.”

“You mean…”

“That is the one path I know. But it is yours to walk. And you have to walk it alone. I cannot follow.”

“But what if something happens to you? I wouldn’t be there…”

“I will have to find my own way.”

Jaime bends down to embrace Tyrion. “I entrust the Rock to you. You were better at politics than I ever was anyway.”

“So this is goodbye.”


“It’s time anyway, to break out of your golden cage.”

Tyrion steps back and Jaime walks through the barrier. He is swallowed by the water. Tyrion weeps in happiness but also sadness, because he knows he won’t see his brother again any time soon.

Jaime opens his eyes to see blue shores, Tarth (haha). And when he looks down himself, he sees that the sword that was kissed by Brienne’s tear turned into a horn and that he became a unicorn, too. His hoof is golden. Jaime starts to rush ahead, no regret on his mind. In the distance, he sees a shadow. And when he approaches, he sees that it is indeed Brienne. She recognizes him even as a unicorn and rushes to him and wants to know what he did and why he did.

“The things we do for love.”

“But you can’t ever go back now.”

“I don’t have to. So long you are here, where else would I go?” he argues.

And so, the two are the last unicorns to have witnessed human life, who felt regret and loss and gain and love and found it again. And so, Tywin’s wishes of an empire meant to last a thousand years are also fulfilled as Jaime and Brienne will outlive them all, and Tyrion will rule the Rock for as long as he can justly in his brother’s stead.

[size=150][i]The End. [/i][/size][/spoiler]
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Mario Lopez
Mario Lopez
Joined: 3:42 PM - Dec 11, 2015

7:31 PM - Jul 28, 2018 #156

Holy mackerel, I love this so much! Thanks for shredding it so beauti.fully. When I thought about how shredding TLU could work, I never got past Jaime as Shmendrick, Brienne as Molly and Sansa as the unicorn, because it would've meant sad ending for unicorn and the human it fell for. What you made of it is so, so much better! And so much YASSSS for not ending it where the film ended. I have JB-happyend needz.
Also, I love the expression of chickenmcnuggeting people :D
wrote:Emotional forehead touching because I am cheap like that
...I'm just as cheap, because: aaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
[+] Spoiler

Winner of JB Week 2017 Scavenger Hunt
Favorite of the Glittery Unicorn

Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

10:16 PM - Jul 28, 2018 #157

I am glad that you like it, justme. Even more so since you had an interesting spin on it beforehand. Honestly, Sansa never crossed my mind, but that also would make any amount of sense. Even more so because hehe no happy ending. And likely the prince owuld have been a literal gigantic lemoncake.

Chickenmcnuggeting is one of my fave things.

*high fives of being in the cheap club*
[+] Spoiler
Yeah, ever since I drew the unicorns for Mikki, the mental image would not quite leave my mind, LOL.
Here is the occasional update on the state of the shreds, aka, what is there and thus also how many are even left because Wacky keeps shredding away without abandon:
  • Snow White
  • Treasure Island
  • Sleeping Beauty
  • Little Red Riding Hood
  • Robin Hood
  • Hansel and Gretel
  • The Princess and the Frog
  • King Thrushbeard
  • Ladyhawke
  • The Princess and the Pea
  • Rumpelstiltskin
  • The Hunchback of Notre Dame
  • Mulan
  • The Beauty and the Beast
  • The King’s Son who Feared Nothing
  • Aladdin
  • Rapunzel
  • Thumbelina
  • Cinderella
  • The Little Mermaid
  • Anastasia
  • A Christmas Carol
  • The Snow Queen
  • Tarzan
  • Ever After
  • Pinocchio
  • Swan Lake
  • The Nutcracker and the Mouse King
  • Hercules
  • Toy Story
  • The Princess Bride
  • Maleficent
  • Peter Pan
  • The Twelve Dancing Princesses
  • Mary Poppins
  • Moana
  • The Last Unicorn[/i]
Here are the numbers broken down (so much shreddy shredding):
  • 37 shreddings in total (until now)
  • ~ 373k (!!!) words (so many words and I like how it’s 37 shreddings and 37something thousand words, woop for wacky for pleasing numeral patterns)
  • ~ 923 pages in a word document with double spacing and font size 11 (how does this keep happening???)
So, that means I don’t think I have anything else on the immediate agenda for shreddings. Any other suggestions you can give to me I welcome with all of my wacky heart, though I can never make promises as to whether I actually succeed in shredding them for the plain reason that some are just… very hard or impossible for Wacky to shred. But yeah, I tries and things.

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Bad Direwolf Mutt
Cock Merchant
Cock Merchant
Joined: 11:15 AM - May 31, 2016

1:44 AM - Jul 29, 2018 #158


(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ o(≧▽≦)o I CANNOT EVEN---! because I'm odd.~ σ(≧ε≦σ) ♡ (ಠ o ಠ)¤=[]:::::>

A Girl Has Many Usernames: Tumblr | ArchiveOfOurOwn | DeviantArt | Fanfiction


Mario Lopez
Mario Lopez
Joined: 3:42 PM - Dec 11, 2015

2:35 AM - Jul 29, 2018 #159

Suggestions, you say?
Don't know if you're familiar with the movie (if not..dailymotion has it), but I'll just throw it out there: Penelope. (wiki link)

Winner of JB Week 2017 Scavenger Hunt
Favorite of the Glittery Unicorn

Almost a Beauty
Almost a Beauty
Joined: 7:26 PM - May 27, 2018

3:18 AM - Jul 29, 2018 #160

justme wrote:Suggestions, you say?
Don't know if you're familiar with the movie (if not..dailymotion has it), but I'll just throw it out there: Penelope. (wiki link)
That's actually a really good one just! Especially since it's very jb shredable especially since some aspects are already there for them.

Jealous I didnt think of it first! But I'll second you!
Adding my two nuts in 🥜🥜

Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

12:32 AM - Aug 10, 2018 #161

I need me my happy endings, BDM.

Thanks for the suggestion, justme, and for Renee's seconding. Haven't watched the movie, but shredded away anyway.

So here is to Penelope!!!

Once upon a time...

Brienne of Tarth is the only living daughter of Lord Selwyn Tarth. The thing is… she is really ugly. Dun-dun-canon. But, contrary to the Penelope movie, she has no pig face. She just looks ugly af.
Having lost his wife and three other children, Selwyn long since started to believe in their family being cursed. (I just can’t figure a scenario where the Tarths are dicks to a pregnant girl. I don’t know why, but I really just can’t, dunno).  While he couldn’t care less about the fact that his one living daughter is hideous, he feels ever the more bad that Brienne is seemingly cursed, even though she is such a sweet, innocent thing. Selwyn, in an effort to shield his child from what he knows is a rather unforgiving society, even more so for those who do not fit into the common categories, he tries his best to keep Brienne around Evenfall Hall. But the active child she is, she wants to go out and so on. When Selwyn permits it, things backfire massively. She doesn’t even make it to the town but is intercepted by some sons of the guys working at Evenfall Hall who make fun of Brienne by referring to her as being “ugly as a pig” and how that must be “the curse of the Tarths” since the others were probably “so hideous that they just fell dead.” Up until that point, Brienne has never been called any so such thing because Selwyn ensured that none of the staff would ever lose a word about Brienne’s ugliness, which is why she had no clue that she was, you know, ugly. Thus, totally distraught to her father she runs, tears in her eyes, and asks her father whether it is true that they are cursed and that she is cursed with being that ugly. Selwyn wants to assure her that it’s not so, but when young Brienne then goes ahead to say that if that is the case, there is truly no hope for her to ever be happy, he makes something up about how to break the curse, namely that if “one of her kind” learns to love her just the way she is, the curse will be broken. Brienne is slightly cheered up by that idea, thus now going on in her life under the belief that she must break the curse to turn pretty and lead a happy life.
People have since suggested to Selwyn that it must be a curse. No girl can be born that ugly and mannish (I just can’t figure a scenario where the Tarths are dicks to a pregnant girl. I don’t know why, but I really just can’t, dunno). Anyway, to shred this further, Brienne is being made fun of by her age peers and called ugly as a pig. Brienne is very sad and asks her father all teary whether she is truly that ugly and if that means she will forever be unhappy. At a loss, he kind of blurts out saying that it is a curse that can be broken if “one of her kind” learns to love her just the way she is. Brienne is slightly cheered up by that, thus believing that she just has to break the curse to turn pretty and have a happy life.
Tyrion Lannister, a man of deformity himself, has broken away from his family and has since decided to expose the ugliness of others, the high society in particular, if only to lead away from his own and has since joined shady tabloids to expose the high society from whom he departed when he turned away from his family. When he hears about the ugly ass daughter of Selwyn Tarth, he evidently wants to snatch a picture, but no such luck when he steals into Evenfall Hall. I will leave the eye patch thing out because… Tyrion is having enough issues already LOL. So yeah, this does convince Selwyn however that it may be too dangerous for Brienne to roam around anywhere other than Tarth/Evenfall Hall, if guys like Tyrion sneak in just for a picture to make a travesty of her. Brienne grows up to be a boyish girl who also enjoys dance but also has a fancy for swords. So Selwyn hires Goodwin to teach her fencing and the like. Brienne is increasingly ostracized, but since she is surrounded by people she likes (Goodwin, her father), she grows up to be an ugly happy girl after all. When Brienne comes of age, it becomes clear that puberty won’t make her any prettier. And while Brienne is long since old enough to know that her dad told her the thing about the curse so that she wouldn’t be sad anymore, she reckons he was right about that one thing: For the likes of her, there is no happy life with someone by her side who may love her with equal measure. Because that curse is not a curse, but a fact, and facts are unchangeable.
When her father starts to arrange for suitors to come to Evenfall Hall, Brienne is even less than pleased because she will only ever be the joke. Then we get the ball scenario to make things impossibly worse. From this day forth, Brienne refuses to go anywhere outside Evenfall Hall unless she wraps her face in a scarf.
Selwyn makes a last ditch effort with Ronnet Connington (I am mess with the order here… and give him some of the Wagstaff plot for matters of my own convenience). Ronnet is supposed to be sweet and kind to her, but no such thing. He scorns her, but then makes the one vital mistake to insult her family, so Brienne dares him to duel. Evidently, Ronnet stands no chance and eventually gets his ass whooped. He runs away, only to have news spread about him that he is a wuss (not just a rumor but actual fact). To clear his name, he enlists Tyrion to get a photo of Brienne’s ugly face into every tabloid to overshadow his having been beaten by her. Tyrion, still stuck on his dickish ways, agrees to help, though he is only interested in getting that picture.
Unexpectedly, he runs into Jaime (whom he hasn’t spoken to in years after he had the fallout with the family). Though his joy is short-lived as Jaime is very bitter, not only for the sake of Tyrion breaking off contact, but also because, as it turns out, he lost his hand. He explains to Tyrion that he now also broke with their father. He long since disagreed of the younger man’s treatment at the hands of the patriarch and their sister, but what put the nail in the coffin was that after he had his injury, Tywin was almost delighted because he thought that this would entail that Jaime would thus be more than ever willing to join the family company instead of pursuing his military career.
“But now my watch has ended, whatever. No JB BANGTICIPATION, that’s the motto for the Night’s Watch.”
And so, Jaime now stands there with basically no money (Tywin really disowned him, believing that Jaime would creep back to him, but Jaime is a stubborn mofo). Because apparently, people have hesitance to employed disabled people, and Jaime laments that he is not book-smart. Tyrion suggests to him that he may help him out to get that certain picture of Brienne and then they could share (because Jaime refuses to be *gifted* money). They would share and maybe they could team up thereafter. Tyrion keeps from him the tidbit that he basically wants to expose Selwyn’s daughter, knowing that Jaime is too honorable for that, which is why he eventually agrees.
“Nothing much is lost, right?”
And so, Jaime goes to an annual party on Tarth that Selwyn always hosts (not just to maybe find someone for Brienne, but also because it is a long held tradition by the ancestors, though they have since varied the thing so that it has a theme every new year) with a hidden camera. It’s a mask ball this year, which is why Brienne ever agreed to come out again after the whole Ronnet affair. While she only watches the people dance and have fun, she feels at least slightly more comfortable being around people. Her father encourages her time and time again to join the dance, but Brienne insists that this will never happen again. After Ronnet, she thinks that there is no way for her to ever be happy anywhere else but right here, by herself, only surrounded by family.
Jaime himself feels quite awkward at the get-together because he still has many insecurities to face because of his missing hand. He doesn’t want to dance (after all, you hold hands for most dances) and generally has his doubts about Tyrion’s plan to get a picture. After all, it’s a mask ball, so that was certainly poor timing.
Brienne bumps into Jaime by accident when she wants to get out to get some fresh air. He loses grip on his drink and pours it all over Brienne’s dress because this is not his strong hand holding the drink. He is honestly apologetic. Brienne tells him that it is fine, instantly noticing his missing hand, but then excuses herself quickly to go outside. Jaime feels really bad and rushes after her, all the while mad that his missing hand keeps standing in the way of him getting things done, even something as plain and simple as this doesn’t work with only just one hand. He finds Brienne without her mask near the coast, sitting in the sand by the small beach there. It is only then that it dawns on Jaime just why Tyrion is so eager to get her picture, because you would not expect such a noble like Brienne of Tarth to look like that. When she notices him, Brienne wants to make a run for it, feeling exposed, but before she can do much of anything to say to him or hide away, she dashes past Jaime and he can only watch as the woman takes down what turns out to be a burglar who meant to sneak up on them to relieve them of their money, assuming that Jaime in his fine suit would even have any. Hence, he watches her knock the living shit out of the guy, which has Jaime’s JAB senses definitely tingling.
Because holy Night King does that woman know how to fight! Once Brienne is finished with the guy, she instantly turns almost shy again, kindly requesting if he could help her hold him down so she can get someone from the security. Jaime agrees. When he has time to prepare, he can hold the dude down, no bother.
“At last I can somehow contribute, as a former commander of the Army.”
Brienne smiles at him shyly before running off to get Goodwin (head of the security) who gets his guys to take on the dude.
“You know that you are supposed to call us,” Goodwin tells her as the guy is led away.
“There was really no time. He was already going after this gentleman,” Brienne insists, pointing at Jaime.
“You know your father won’t approve of this… but oh well, maybe he doesn’t have to know,” Goodwin tells her with a wink. She smiles back at him, and Jaime notices how sweet she can smile when she doesn’t constantly try to hide her face away. Not pretty, but nonetheless charming.
“Well, he won’t learn anything from me most certainly,” Jaime comments.
“Oh, I must apologize. I never asked for your name, Mr. …?”
“Jaime Lannister. But you can call me just Jaime.”
“Jaime. I am Brienne.”
“Pleased to meet you.”
“I will take care of it. You enjoy the rest of the party,” Goodwin mutters at her before walking off.
“Well, that was… quite a surprise,” Brienne comments.
“Tell me about it. Normally, I am the one rescuing people. To be on the receiving end was… quite a change,” Jaime huffs, looking back down at his arm. “Though I guess that is something I have to get used to.”
“Well, you couldn’t have done it even if I had shouted out. He was already too close for you to react, Mr. … I mean Jaime. I had the advantage of seeing the man approach first,” Brienne argues. “Maybe next time I will be the one to return the favor. A Lannister always pays his debts after all.”
“Well, I doubt that there will be a second time,” Brienne argues.
“Why so?” Jaime argues.
“I… don’t leave Evenfall Hall very often… if ever.”
“Well, if you ever do, you should maybe try out for military training. You certainly got the muscles for it.”
“My father would certainly not approve.”
“Mine didn’t either, didn’t stop me from pursuing the career. The only thing that got in the way was a bomb that blew up my hand, but other than that… I would still be doing that job. You know, sometimes you have to reach for the stars, even if that means you can fall very deep.”
“I learned that I do best not aiming too high. Nothing good ever came of it.”
Jaime wants to say something, but then the camera in his jacket is triggered, and in a fright, he excuses himself to get away. Brienne feels ever the more assured that she is right in believing that her life is meant to go down the hill eventually. Because the first time a guy (and then such a handsome guy who seems to know a thing or two about honor and who didn’t judge her for her looks, really) shows some kind of interest to at least talk to her, he rushes off first chance he gets.
That same night, her father asks whether she enjoyed herself at the ball, Brienne truthfully says that she did, and when he adds the question whether she danced with someone, she answers, “only just almost,” before walking off to her room.
Back at the hotel, Jaime is tossing the pricey costume in Tyrion’s face when he comes in, furious for his own brother daring to play him.
“What’s the matter?”
“I thought you just wanted some picture of the girl because the pics were hard to get. You never made any mention that this is for your sick pleasure of trying to show the ugly in high society.”
“What’s it to you?”
“She is a good person.”
“So? You want to expose the ugly in high society? How about you take a picture of yourself, because that behavior is ugly, Tyrion. Not your looks, not your disability, but what you have become. And I won’t join you for some ridiculous revenge act against someone who has no business with your being mocked. Or did she mock you? Did she?”
“Then you have your answer. You can find yourself a new guy to take secretive pictures of ta woman, because I will not. And here I thought I could trust you again.”
“Jaime, please.”
“I am out of here.”
Jaime rushes off after that and Tyrion starts to have some doubt in his way of going about business. After all, he just got some truth handed to him. In an effort to fix his mistake and repay the debt, Jaime wants to go to Selwyn the next day and confess that he almost took a picture of his daughter without asking for consent previously, but just as he is about to enter Evenfall Hall, he runs into Brienne who was just about to head to the training range. She is very much shocked to see him again after he rushed off so suddenly last night.
“What are you doing here?”
“I… wanted to talk to your father about something.”
“He left for a week. An urgent business matter required him to head out earlier than expected,” Brienne tells him. “If you want, I can tell him what you would want to say.”
Jaime really starts to guilt-trip because he doesn’t know how to say it to Brienne’s face just yet that he unknowingly was about to help Tyrion for the ugly page. He wants to say something, but then Brienne blurts out that he may join her in the training range. And Jaime just agrees, so the two head out. Jaime is surprised when the training range turns out to be basically what a soldier’s wet dreams are made of: A shooting range, somewhere to fight with training swords, a parkour, everything.
“I… was always a very active child and enjoyed fighting. My father had that built for me over the years.”
“That is impressive.”
“Privileged much, I know, but… I don’t get to go out much, so we reckoned it might be for the best to build it rather than expose me to the public eye. It would have been all over the news.”
“I… bet.”
“Do you want to take a shot?”
“I don’t know how good I still am. I didn’t shoot ever since the accident.”
“Then you can still try.”
Jaime starts to genuinely enjoy himself after he thought all of those activities were out of his reach after he had to leave the military for matters of his injury. Brienne is overjoyed when Jaime even gives her some insider tips she was not aware of yet. Also, standing close together in the shooting range (and no, the NRA can still fuck itself by shoving up a gun up its fat ass, but those two are trained in those matters, okay?) may make her heart beat faster, too.  The day is simply great for the two, but Jaime eventually can’t take it anymore and confesses to her what he almost did, not knowing what it entailed. He is surprised at how easy Brienne is to forgive him, telling him that he didn’t know all facts and that she long since grew accustomed to people searching the sensation in her ugliness.
“That wasn’t what it was for me. I honestly only ever thought that my brother wanted to get some insider pictures from someone hiding from society for nonsense reasons. I really didn’t know.”
“I thank you for being that honest with me,” Brienne assures him.
As things commence, she lets him in on the whole curse thing, arguing that while she does not believe that some fairy turned her ugly by birth or a witch cursed her to be so ugly, she reckons that she is still cursed in some way, being bound with those looks that will not improve.
“My father wants me to marry quite desperately. He has wishes to retire from the job eventually, and he would want to leave the company to me. And I will gladly step up to that, but he also wants our lineage to continue. And I am the only child he has left.”
“But do you want to get married? Because if you don’t, you shouldn’t try to get some guy only just to have someone bear the name. You are better than that.”
Brienne = (´๑•_•๑) omg
Brienne then confesses that she would fancy having someone, though she finds it unlikely as no one will ever overlook… her looks… and antics.
“I am not easy to fall in love with.”
“Maybe you just have to JB BANGTICIPATION a while longer till you find someone.”
“Maybe. But I don’t hold my breath for it. I am rather hoping to simply… not become a greater disappointment to my father and my family than I already am.”
“Well, that one thing I can tell you for sure, if you want to change course, you have to go out of your own ways. The only way for me to pursue the career I wanted was to break with my family. And now I don’t mean to say that you have to break with your father, but in my experience, if you want to change something, you can’t just stay home and JB BANGTICIPATION for it to come to you. You have to get it yourself.”
“Just that if I go out… people will see me.”
“And what does it matter? The lion does not concern himself with the opinion of the sheep.”
“I am no lion.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to give a damn about what anyone thinks about you.”
JB depart on a positive note when he asks whether she would want to take him along tomorrow as well. And Brienne gladly agrees.
On the next day, Brienne shows up with a scarf that she brought along, gathering all courage to suggest to Jaime that they could also venture through the city (I am cutting out the middle man Annie here because… JB and I don’t have the nerve to develop more secondary characters, I shred hard). While she insists on covering most of her face so that people don’t recognize her, she wants to get a taste of the real world. As it turns out, that is a bit of a challenge for both because Jaime himself struggles with that ever since he had his amputation. Yet, with combined effort, they make the best of the day and both enjoy themselves immensely.
It is Brienne who eventually suggests to him that maybe he should go into teaching, for survival courses or something to that effect. Because just because he can’t shoot at his best anymore doesn’t mean he cannot teach others. And Jaime goes like “maybe you should do the same.” And for a moment there, Brienne wants to think about how wonderful it would be if they opened up some kind of school together to train youths in self-defense or something to that effect. However, the moment is short-lived because it isn’t until long that Brienne’s scarf falls off when history repeats itself and someone tries to steal from some of the bystanders. Brienne notices and runs after the person and knocks the guy into the dust. Brienne is really in shock and already fears that things are going to happen just like they did so many times before, during the ball, with the children who used to laugh at her when she was small (well, still taller, but younger). However, to her great shock, she is rather getting cheered on for having taken on the bad guy.
Jaime expresses his being impressed by her skill yet again, being full of hearteyes and stuff. When he walks her home, things inevitably turn bittersweet when he points out that he will have to return to King’s Landing soon enough. Brienne is tempted for a moment to offer him to stay here and maybe start working at her father’s company, but she feels like that would stain Jaime’s honor as he seemingly has to take his time figuring out what to do with his life. She wouldn’t want to force him into something she has most doubt about would be what he wanted. After all, who would make the choice to stay around such a hideous woman for a longer period of time?
Jaime would, but she doesn’t know that. Though she is right on the account that Jaime would feel hurt in his pride if she were to simply offer him a position. He doesn’t want help out of pity. He wants to earn things.
And by the next day, Brienne can hardly believe it when the local newspaper celebrates her as a local heroine. For the first time ever she got appreciation for herself and for what she did rather than having people be repulsed by her ugly looks. The same amount of shock awaits her when her father arrives back home the same morning, with a copy of just that newspaper in hand, demanding answers. Brienne explains that she is done hiding away. Even if she has no illusion of this hype being short-lived, she realized that hiding away at Evenfall Hall doesn’t solve problems for her. If she is supposed to take over the family company in the future, she won’t get around appearing in the public in some capacity, so they might do best controlling it rather than letting themselves be controlled by paparazzi behind every corner. However, all of that is soon overshadowed by Selwyn’s revelation that Ronnet has since filed a public apology for his behavior and had his father (they have some business dealings) express his regret for what happened.
“I’d think that Ronnet’s father, from all that he said to me, would really want you and him to be much closer, if you know what I mean.”
“And would you want me to give him a second chance?”
“I want you to do what you find best.”
“I don’t know what I find best. Best doesn’t seem to me like a viable concept,” Brienne laments. “In fact, all of that seems too good to be true. I mean, I am no longer the girl who didn’t yet understand that she was born ugly, and that it was indeed not some kind of magical curse. I know what I am, who I am, and what I look like. Some short-lived fame over having prevented a robbery won’t last. And then the laughter will remain.”
“And what of that young man you have spent some time with?”
“Goodwin told you?”
“Do you really think anything happens around the property without my knowledge?”
“I would have hoped so,” Brienne huffs. “But anyway, to answer your question… I greatly treasure the time, but I know it is for a limited number of days. For now, I just enjoy my short-lived fame and… acquaintance.”
“And that is all there is to it?”
“All that matters, yes… You know, maybe I should talk to Ronnet another time. People have done worse than insult me. Maybe he is genuine after all, now that the moment of… shock is over.”
“And that is what you really want?”
“That is what seems closest to what I can achieve.”
“It’s alright, Father, I assure you,” she tells him, tapping the back of his hand. “All will be fine.”
Not great, but fine. Because Brienne dares to think that this is something she can achieve. And so, the next few days are spent with JB having fun, though Jaime soon senses that Brienne is up to something. Just as she is about to confess it, Ronnet arrives, which has Jaime’s jealousy mode ringelingingelinging. Ronnet tries to play nice, even though for real, he still finds the girl ridiculous.
Jaime plays Ronnet to take him out for drinks to learn of the guy’s true intentions (he has some experience dealing with drunken family members after all). Some booze and some talk on Jaime’s behalf that he surely doesn’t mean to kind of leave Ronnet in the belief that he finds Brienne rather ridiculous himself (though he is really just ridiculously much into the gal, poor Kingslayer) do the trick. Ronnet starts to drop parts of the actual reasons behind his apology and acting the way he does around Brienne. While he didn’t want to see Brienne again after that disaster, his father dropped just *how* wealthy the Tarths are. Ronnet eventually had some reconsideration once he let the numbers sink in. Ronnet reckoned that being married to Brienne can’t be the almost bad. For the rest, he can go on lots of business trips so not to have to look at her, and have his mistresses on the side to answer the most immediate needs. Though he reckons he will have to get inside her at least a few times to ensure that she bears him a child. But for that you can turn off the lights.
He is such a lovely character in this shred.
Jaime plans to tell Brienne about what the guy told him first thing he gets to see her. What he doesn’t know is that Ronnet had his own ideas in mind, so he uses the opportunity to talk to Brienne before Jaime can get a chance to (he is nearer on the property than Jaime is at the shabby motel he stays at downtown). So Ronnet tells Brienne that Jaime is bad news and that he fears he will do something bad if given the chance. Brienne doesn’t believe that, of course, but Ronnet adds that he saw Jaime leave to that shabby motel and that he seemingly has no money.
“So are you really sure that he isn’t just here for the money?”
Haha, it’s so fun to accuse others of your own crimes to lead away from yourself as the suspect.
In a rather subtle way, he points out just how Jaime could have any girl he liked, after all, even as a Lannister fallen from grace, he is still Jaime fuckin’ Lannister. And then he comes to the island to take a picture of her, as he confessed, which makes clear that he worked together with his brother at some point who has no better to do than expose people.
“I am not saying that he is onto something. All I mean to warn you about is that if there is a situation where he puts you in the spotlight… in a bad way… you would have to wonder who would be the first one to publish that story, do you understand?”
Brienne still doesn’t want to believe that Jaime may be on to something, but it keeps weighing heavy on her mind, as unsure as she is about herself for matters of her looks, this hits right up her alley of self-doubt and how she won’t ever have a truly happy life.
Jaime shows up where they are at (kind of crowded place). He asks Brienne to talk to him alone because he has something important to talk to her about. Brienne is already kind of weird about it because doubt is heavy on her mind. Ronnet then argues that he can just say it, he wouldn’t mind. Jaime insists. Brienne goes to talk to him. He tells her what Ronnet said last night.
Brienne wants to talk to Ronnet about it, so Jaime gets his hopes up that this will finally put an end to that folly, though he warns her that the guy probably won’t admit to it and that he will have to trust her. Big word. Biiiiiig word for Brienne. Ronnet then takes out his phone where he conveniently has only those parts of the convo recorded where Jaime tried to lure him out to admit to his own wrongdoings. Jaime tries to put things into context, but Brienne feels really hurt about it because here she hears him say those nasty things behind her back, and that after he was the one to demand of her to trust him.
Jaime beckons Brienne to trust him over Ronnet because you would have to wonder why he recorded such a convo if not to drive a wedge between them. Ronnet insists that he just wanted to be sure that she hears for herself what the guy is up to, after all:
“I came to realize my wrongs and I am trying to make up for them. And I think part of it is that I no longer can or will tolerate such behavior from other people.”
Brienne is totally torn. She wants to take off to be alone, which is why she doesn’t hear it when Ronnet taunts Jaime that he seemingly didn’t inherit the Lannister cunning.
Jaime flips his shit eventually and gives Ronnet the golden bitch slap without the gold for many people to see. Brienne can instantly hear the shift in the tone of the babbling going on about her, which is no longer about her celebrity status, but soon is all about the drama instead.
“I told you, he just want to embarrass you.”
“What? No! That’s not at all it.”
“Then what is it?” Brienne wants to know.
“I want you to get what kind of a horrible person that guy is. He only wants to take advantage of you because he thinks he can.”
“And what’s it to you?”
Jaime hesitates because he believes he is not good enough for Brienne because he has no money, only one hand, and has kept lying about things even though he would normally not, but he finds himself in those shitty situations time and time again. Fuck.
Brienne feels hurt at the lack of reply, because it just sets into stone what she believed anyway, namely that there is no possible way for her and Jaime because he *is* out of her league and seemingly isn’t into her the same way she feels about him (little does she know what is actually going on). When he keeps pushing anyway by accusing Ronnet, Brienne also starts to believe that he just really wants to keep her from making her own choices, after he basically told her to do the opposite. She sends him away. Jaime, hurt both in his fist and his heart and his jabbiness, rushes off.
Ronnet plays up his game of being all comforting while also being like “told you so.” He takes Brienne back to Evenfall Hall and away from the whispering crowd. As they are walking away, he makes his intentions of wanting to propose to her known, but plays it in such a way that he would understand if she turned him down after the fallout they had before. In a rush, Brienne accepts Ronnet’s proposal, though her eyes are only ever focused on Jaime as he leaves. And yes, that is the kind of drama that would never-ever happen in real life, but for what is there shredding?
It isn’t until long that all the drama is all over the newspapers, but Jaime is shocked to learn that extra tidbit that Brienne accepted Ronnet’s proposal. Heartbroken, Jaime takes the next-best ferry back to King’s Landing, only to run into a very apologetic little brother who wants to right the wrong. Jaime isn’t having it, though, but Tyrion figures fast that it must be because of Brienne.
“How would you tell?” Jaime huffs.
Tyrion shrugs. “I saw the headline.”
Of course you did.”
“Front page.”
“They name it the golden bitch slap already.”
Jaime rolls his eyes. “For fuck’s sake.”
“I bought ten copies just in case.”
“And that is exactly why I hate you.”
“But that is wonderful journalism, Jaime!”
Jaime is fed up and wants to go looking for a new place to stay. Tyrion tries again to convince him to move back in with him, but Jaime tells him that he can’t live with someone he knows he cannot trust. Tyrion, in a last-ditch effort, shows Jaime some newspaper clippings he collected, which reveal illegal practices on behalf of the Conningtons to expand their influence in the Stormlands. Marrying into the Tarth family would be almost too good to be true for them to become more influential and possibly get rid of some debts. Also, if Selwyn is to pass away any time soon, hopes would be good for them to be in power over all that wealth and influence.
“Well, I knew that much that he was not genuine, but that doesn’t help in any way.”
“But that is solid evidence.”
“I know, but Brienne won’t listen to me ever since the fallout. She won’t answer my calls. And the woman is so ancient in her ways that she refuses to text,” Jaime laments. “Do you come to have some money on you for a ferry ride back to Tarth?”
“Last bit for the month was used on breakfast today,” Tyrion answers.
“It is the middle of the month,” Jaime blurts out. “How are you out of money already?”
“I needed a lot of wine earlier in the month. Wine knows no time.”
“Great, so I can’t get to her and prevent that wedding.”
“There may be a way, but I don’t think you will like it.”
“Just spill it out already.”
“How about we make of you more of a sensation?”
Jaime frowns. “Which means?”
“You are the golden bitch slap guy now. Let me take some photos and conduct a short interview with you. You can be sure my newspaper will want to have it printed on the front page.”
“So… I’d get money for that,” Jaime mutters. “For a ferry ride to Tarth.”
“And I get money for that. And who knows? Maybe she is ancient enough to read that column in the newspaper, too, even before you get there.”
“Fine, let’s do that.”
And so, Tyrion follows through with his plan, though he still feels rather shitty about it, because he is known to be this tough reporter who wants to dig for dirt, and he wouldn’t want to dig up dirt on his brother. Yet, here he is, making a sensation of the guy, and the fact that Jaime agreed and that they have a better cause in mind doesn’t really do away with the nasty feeling Tyrion feels deep inside.
Character development much, even though it’s for the secondary character here.
Anyway, back on Tarth, Brienne is unhappy as ever while the wedding preparations are going on, though she tries her best not to let on. After all, she made a choice now, and she’ll live by it. Honor, so much honor. Anyway, her dad observes all that with growing worry. So he sits down with her for some real talk and whether she’s sincere in wanting to marry the guy.
“I accepted his proposal.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to follow through with it.”
“Father, you are the one who made arrangements for me to get married ever since I was old enough for the matter.”
“I know. But I did so because I thought I was helping you.”
“There is no way of helping it. No one is going to ever love a great beast of a woman.”
“Which is why you decide to marry Ronnet.”
“I decided to marry him because he admitted to his mistakes and has since tried to improve himself. He tries to redeem himself. And at some point I think that is the best I can get.”
“Brienne, I never wanted you to settle for the lesser only just to be married. You don’t have to be married in order to become my successor. You don’t have to marry at all, if you don’t want. But if you want to get married… don’t marry just someone for the sake of being married.”
“And I am not. I am no longer the small-tall girl who thought that marrying a pretty prince would make her a pretty princess in turn. I long since understood the truth that the likes of me… have to take what they can get. Ronnet may be my only shot at ever having… a bit of happiness,” Brienne tells him all teary. “Because I don’t just want to run the business. I don’t just want to fence for the rest of my days all by myself. I honestly… I want to have a family, a husband and children. I want that, I really do. But I know that as hideous as I am, not many will want to have that with me. So I have to see who may be and then… make a choice. And that is what I am doing.”
“And what of that young man who slapped your fiancé?”
“What of him?”
“It didn’t seem to me like he didn’t care about you at all.”
“He lied to me. He demanded of me to trust him, only to break it. I gave him second chances before, and see where it got me.”
“So you forgive Ronnet but not that man?”
“He asked me to trust him. I did. And then… the exact opposite of what he said happened. He wanted me to trust him and I trusted him. And then… I don’t know, I just can’t.”
“And that has me think that maybe you are rushing into something. You can’t even say what those feelings are to you, Brienne.”
“I know what they are to me. They are illusions coming to an end, the way they did once I understood that it was no witch that cursed me to look ugly and that there was no way of undoing it. That’s part of growing up,” Brienne argues, grabbing her father’s hand to give it a light squeeze. “I am no longer the girl you have to give some hope to hold on to. I am making my own decisions now. It’s time to go out and… become the woman I was meant to be.”
Selwyn is all teary-eyed because he somehow hoped the girl would still hold on to that childish fantasy of a curse being behind it all.
Later on, she is surprised to get a copy of the King’s Landing newspaper sent to her with a sticky note reading that this is all backed up by evidence. Brienne starts to read the clippings Tyrion included in the mail alongside the article he wrote on Jaime. Brienne can’t even bear to read the interview, so she rather focuses on the hard facts. She follows Tyrion’s advice to do her own research, and thus learns about the Conningtons’ massive debt. Brienne *borrows* Ronnet’s phone and replays the audio to hear the cuts and then also finds some deleted files. She confronts him on the night before the wedding with the evidence. Ronnet tries to deny it, but Brienne isn’t having it.
Things take a turn when Ronnet realizes that he can’t keep up the lie, so instead he plays into Brienne’s insecurities and repeats what she has been saying before, namely “who else is going to take you?” And that is when Brienne realizes that this is not what she wants to choose, and that while she wants to have a family, she can’t treasure it if she doesn’t show any respect for herself (you go, girl!). She tells Ronnet that she is calling off the wedding and that she will fully cooperate with law enforcement if they are trying to find evidence of the illegal activities the family was involved in. She then tells him to get lost, adding that if he isn’t fast enough she may reveal not having learned from her past mistakes and fencing with him in all earnest this time.
“And I am good at knocking guys into the dust.”
Ronnet buggers off. Brienne, while also feeling bad for seeing her hopes of a bit of happiness slipping away, feels relief foremost. That same night, she starts to work on a portfolio for her plan of opening up that self-defense school thing she talked with Jaime about, finding new resolve in a new task and thus living another part of her dream, even if the building-one’s-own-family-train seemingly left the station for now.
Next day, surprise is big when she breaks the news to her father that there will be no wedding, though she is surprised in turn when he expresses his relief over the matter. Brienne gives him the portfolio and says that she wants to work on that project, too, while also taking up more responsibility at the family business.
“I think it’s high time that I… strive for more.”
Her father is very glad to hear that, after all, he was always the one to believe in his daughter’s potential foremost, and he is happy to hear that she herself finally comes around to realize that she has it in her to become more than her ugly looks.
Brienne returns to her room and sees the newspaper again. She picks it up and finally has the strength to read the interview. While some things come less unexpected because they are basically reiterations of what Tyrion sent with the clippings, other stuff takes her breath away, because it’s basically a love declaration (though not *as* overt, but clear enough for Brienne to get the implications).
“I didn’t just lose my hand in the war. Against all odds, and against the odds of public opinion of me, I lost a lot of confidence that day… and then I met someone who was just like me while being… not at all like me. She is strong and stubborn and past the point of sense on that matter on some many occasions, but… she is also insecure. She got me when I didn’t even know what it was that had changed about me ever since the war. And… while I guess I majorly fucked it all up by not being honest when I should have been… and by not giving strength to the trust she dared to put in me… I just hope that the message gets to her in some way because… we are both one of a kind, but I want to think that together… we are one kind, too.”
Brienne picks up the phone to call Jaime, but he won’t take the call. She is pretty beat, but guesses that she waited too long and that her dad was right that she should have trusted his redemption rather than Ronnet’s. In an effort to keep moving forward, Brienne posts a job offering that same night to get a teacher for her school who knows his shit.
The next day, Brienne dares to go to town without her signature scarf, not wanting to care about whether the people are going to laugh or whisper about her looks, her broken off wedding or what not. While some people still whisper, Brienne finds that she doesn’t really care. The lion doesn’t concern herself with the opinion of the sheep and all. Though she has some instant fans, namely the kids she hung out with when Jaime was still there. They urge her to come to the docks. Brienne is like WTF, but goes along anyway.
The shock is great when Jaime gets off the ferry with a big bag slung over his shoulder. The kids rush ahead to greet him (they like him and don’t give a flying fuck about the missing hand), but that is when Jaime notices Brienne standing there. He picks up speed to run up to her.
“Am I too late?”
“For what?”
“To tell you not to marry that shithead of a guy who only ever wants to inherit your family’s wealth because you deserve better than him. Beckon you to listen to me even though I have told my fair share of lies before. Give an inflammatory speech about the integrity of marriage and honor and… I don’t know, I tried to write something down, but I couldn’t read my own chicken scratch.”
“So you are telling me that you came all the way here to… tell me that?”
“Only way to reach you. The traditionalist you are, you refuse reading texts.”
“Tells me the guy still having that ancient phone you can’t even videochat with.”
“Because it’s overrated… but anyway, am I too late? They had no reception on that ferry whatsoever.”
“I didn’t marry him. I called it off after your brother and you… send the package.”
Jaime lets a sigh of relief.
“I tried to call you,” she adds.
“I swear, we really had no reception.”
“I get that.”
“… Did you read the article?”
“I did.”
“… And what do you say?”
“Do you remember the time I told you about the curse? That my father told me was the reason why I look the way I look and how only if one of my kind learns to love me just the way I am, the curse will be broken?”
“And how I knew in a long time that it was a lie.”
“I think I have been wrong.”
“How is that?”
“I think the curse is broken. I am no sudden beauty, but… if I ever want someone to love me for myself, I have to value myself first… and… I did that, by choosing my own goals to my own conditions rather than just settling with some lesser evil. I want more and now I am ready to… try to get it, even if that means being beaten down on occasion.”
“That’s good.”
“And that’s because of you. And for that I am grateful. I am working on that school project now, alongside working towards being the replacement my father wants to see for the company. You know, trying to aim higher, no matter how deep that means I can fall.”
“That’s… great for you.”
“You were right, you know? We are two of a kind who are… strangely, also one of a kind if taken together. And I was… afraid of that, because I never had that before and I never thought I could… keep it, keep you. I am used to losing anywhere outside the training yard, really. But my worst fear was to lose you and… now you are here.”
“You know… just to be clear. I have basically no money. I only have a family name without the prestige or wealth attached to it. I don’t even have a job just yet. I lie more often than I would like to admit because I got… issues. Oh, and I am missing a hand.”
“… So?”
“Well, I want to be honest. I am anything but a perfect man.”
“And I am anything but a perfect woman.”
“You are to me.”
Brienne be like (〃・.・〃)omg.
Jaime wastes no more time and finally kisses the hell out of her by the docks.
“Would you have interest in a job as a self-defense teacher? I am still looking for one,” Brienne asks breathlessly because that is the normal reaction to Jaime Lannister’s kisses yo.
“If that means I get to stay here… I think we can think about an arrangement.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want to take up such a job offer without my partner in crime being there at least every now and then.”
“I think we can arrange for that.”
He kisses her again. The kids are all like “gross,” but some people are actually cheering them on (because this is a shredding of a movie and that is not real life). The two make together to Evenfall Hall. Selwyn tells Jaime that he is glad to finally get to know him closely, only to add the dad card being like “I am watching you.” Jaime is kind of fine with that, while he is also kind of… scared. Brienne suddenly fishes out today’s newspaper article from the newspaper Tyrion works for. She hands it to Jaime, urging him to read it.
In his column, he promises the ugliest person you will ever have seen, but when turned to the page, there is a picture of himself hunting for people’s photographs like a maniac. Tyrion, in his article he basically explains how he became ugly in the realest sense by trying to find dirt on others, if only to lead away from his own problems. That he could have used his “great mind” to build a scientific career, could have gone to university, could be teaching, but instead chose to wallow in his self-pity and thus became that what he accused others of being, even if that meant hurting the people close to him and dragging perfectly innocent people into his own madness.
Jaime is taken aback by that. Brienne suggests that she maybe could use someone like Tyrion to help her build the school and keep it running. Jaime kisses her before giving Tyrion a call. The two finally exchange forgiveness and reaffirmation of them being best brothers forever. Jaime makes him the job offer, and Tyrion instantly agrees, under the one condition that he gets extra money for nothing but wine.
“I think we can find some arrangement for the matter.”
And so, things go the unexpected way for Brienne (not for us because we knew this was a fairytale shredding, so we were pretty sure that this was going for a happy ending). A few months later, the school is already running. Jaime takes over teaching the courses. Tyrion does the logistics not just for the school but also the family company. Brienne grows into a more public figure around the isle and no longer hides behind her scarf. She shows up at the school whenever she can to see about her “oh so busy husband.” They got married not long after that day, in a small ceremony with only just the close family and themselves because that seemed more like them.
Brienne winds up at the school as per usual. Jaime gives some half-assed excuse to go outside and greet his wifey with a kiss. The two talk about how they are glad the curse is broken, even though both still feel kind of like they are under a spell. Because all of that is too good to be true.
“But if that is our curse… I think I can live with that,” Jaime laughs.
“Most certainly. Even more so because we may have someone else taking part in the cure from now on.”
Brienne makes indication of, yes, MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA on the way. Jaime flips his shit in a good way. Focus pulls out as Brienne keeps thinking to herself that maybe her curse was always a blessing, because thanks to the curse, she got so much more than she ever thought.
Because she is now living a happy life she chose with the people she chose.
The End.
Last edited by WackyGoofball on 2:50 PM - Aug 11, 2018, edited 1 time in total.
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Mario Lopez
Mario Lopez
Joined: 3:42 PM - Dec 11, 2015

4:38 PM - Aug 10, 2018 #162

Well shredded, indeed! (I'm not up to date with the emojis, so just imagine the <3 here, ok?)

Good call on the nay to the pig's not needed.
And I'm a total sucker for: The shock is great when Jaime gets off the ferry with a big bag slung over his shoulder. [...] He picks up speed to run up to her.   ..gotta love a good running towards lurve- scene ;D

Thanks for shredding this!
Winner of JB Week 2017 Scavenger Hunt
Favorite of the Glittery Unicorn

Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

2:48 PM - Aug 11, 2018 #163

justme wrote: Well shredded, indeed! (I'm not up to date with the emojis, so just imagine the <3 here, ok?)

Good call on the nay to the pig's not needed.
And I'm a total sucker for: The shock is great when Jaime gets off the ferry with a big bag slung over his shoulder. [...] He picks up speed to run up to her.   ..gotta love a good running towards lurve- scene ;D

Thanks for shredding this!
Haha, thanks, I am glad you liked it, justme. Yeah, piggy nose would have been... too much on the nose LOL. And I am a sucker for running towards loved ones scenes, what can I say?
Alright, it’s time to turn back to actual fairytales (because Disney movies featuring humans shreddable for JB are becoming scarcer and scarcer, and I am not heading into furry material so long I can help it, LOL). Anyway, after some wiki research, I stumbled over the Danish fairytale Esben and the Witch that Andrew Lang included in The Pink Fairy Book. But since it is a shred, we will go a very different route on the matter. For those who want to check out the original, either visit the [url=http://]Wikipedia page[/url] or this link that takes you to the whole text from the book. Also, lock away your kids because this is not really child appropriate LOL. At all. For real. People be fucking in that one.
Once upon a time…
There was a young man called Jaime (Esben), who was, contrary to the fairytale, not frail or small or weak, but rather the strongest of the bunch of three siblings. However, he never prided himself being particularly smart, after his sister always told him he was a fool and he also struggled reading. Thus, Jaime focused his efforts on swordfight and prowess in fight, praying to the Warrior rather than the Father for guidance.
Then the decisive day came that Cersei was meant to travel to the capitol in the company of her brothers (we are shredding away, you guys) to wed King Robert (we are also cancelling out the whole Aerys shenanigan). However, Cersei long since expressed her discontent over the arranged marriage and had since demanded of Jaime that he joins the Kingsguard to be by her side as her protector, even though the order from their father was certainly another. Jaime still ponders whether to follow through with that, and to his sister’s dismay, he did not give an answer yet, though her patience is wearing thin. Jaime keeps going back over the matter not only for Cersei’s sake, but because he believes that he would not make for a good Lord of Casterly Rock because he doesn’t have his siblings’ cunning. So maybe joining the Kingsguard is not an entirely bad idea.
Anyway, we are cutting out the magical sticks people ride on because there is just one magic stick and that’s future property of Brienne of Tarth qua being rewarded Oathkeeper in canon. On the way to King’s Landing, the three get separated from the group when Cersei insists to ride ahead. They eventually get lost in the woods without the bodyguards, leaving only Jaime to protect his siblings from harm. He makes a fire and makes everything ready for them to spend the night before carrying on to find their guards once morning rises. Cersei takes him aside and now demands that he gives her an answer. A much-needed refusal on Jaime’s behalf has Cersei so shooketh because NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE that she uses the next best opportunity to disappear into the woods. She actually wants Jaime to go looking for her and realize his wrongs and follow through with her plan after all, but to Cersei’s great dismay, it is Tyrion who goes after her. And now both get lost without Jaime realizing it.
Cersei and Tyrion come to an old house in the heart of the woods. Tired, thirsty, low on alcohol, and bitchy, they knock on the door and ask to spend the night, recounting the old rules of hospitality to the old woman opening the door for them.
“I am Cersei Lannister of Casterly Rock, future Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. I demand a quarter for the night,” she recounts.
Tyrion tries to be a bit more diplomatic about it, but the hag seems less than pleased with either one. Nevertheless she tells them that they shall have a quarter for the night.
“And you shall also have one of my children for your own pleasure.”
Cersei and Tyrion be WTF. And I am WTF because that woman in the original is fast to give over her daughters for some nighttime nookie lol.
Anyway, they are brought inside and they see a bunch of beautiful men and women clad in black by the fireplace.
“And I can have only just one?” Tyrion wants to know.
Yes, yes, Tyrion, just one.
He tells Cersei that they should not refuse the offer made, so not to anger the old woman who is set on having them choose one of her “children.” Cersei chooses someone with an uncanny resemblance to Euron (though it’s not actually Euron), whereas Tyrion takes the prettiest one he can spot. They take them to their chambers and they be fuckin’ hard. Both of them. Cersei also hopes that once Jaime comes in, it will spite him enough to finally follow through with her demands, and there is a strong draw towards that man (of the magical kind, but that is something neither Tyrion nor Cersei with all of their cunning are aware of).
Jaime finally also finds his way to the house. He is kind of relieved when he hears the voices of his siblings, but soon goes irritated at… what sounds they are making and what that clearly indicates. He already wants to rush inside, but then has to go into hiding when an ugly, mannish woman clad in simple garbs trots out of the house to feed the animals. Jaime considers whether to knock her out to steal into the house, but when the woman looks up as though noting him, he stands still and waits for her to go back inside. Though no such luck just yet when the woman sits down and covers her ears at the joyful screaming of Tyrion and Cersei, looking annoyed and… irritated.
“Always the same,” she mutters, rolling her eyes at a particularly high-pitched scream from Cersei. “Ugh, just get done already.”
Jaime watches with growing irritation as the woman waits till all screams of sexual joy come to an end and silence starts to spread in the woods again. When snoring soon comes from both chambers, the woman gets back up, dusts off her clothes, and starts to climb up to the chambers by stacking up barrels that she seemingly already arranged to make it easy and silent to climb on top of them to get to the upper level.
He follows the young woman as silently as he can, but has to go into hiding in the hallway behind some wooden chest when the woman runs into the old hag.
“I thought I told you that you should long since be in bed, my dear.”
“I can’t sleep when they are that loud,” the woman answers. “I truly wished there were another way.”
“But that is the magic of life, the light of the Red God.”
“I know,” the young woman mutters.
“Well, go to bed now. I have urgent business to attend soon enough, but I have to gather my things first.”
“As you will, Mother.”
Jaime makes a face, but worry soon gets the better of him when the hag disappears back down the stairs to gather those ominous things whereas the woman walks up to a chamber on the far end of the corridor rather loudly, before sneaking back in direction of Tyrion’s and Cersei’s chamber without making a single sound. She steals into Tyrion’s chamber first, and Jaime closely follows her, hand on the sword to kill her if she dares to harm his little brother, but to his great shock, the woman produces an obsidian dagger – and rams it into the raven girl’s chest lying in Tyrion’s arms, and she dissolves into black smoke.
She then backs out of the room, having taken up Tyrion to carry his sleeping form over to the other room (though thankfully draped in a blanket so we don’t see more than necessary), Jaime having to try real hard not to get her attention as he backs away with her, only to head into Cersei’s room. For Jaime, it is quite a shock to see her… you know, after doing the horizontal tango with that dude looking like Euron, after she made him all kinds of promises that he is always the only one for her and how even if she were to wed Robert, she would want only ever him. Well, here lies the proof that she doesn’t really. The blonde woman kills the other dude as well, and he, too, turns to black smoke. The girl puts Tyrion next to Cersei in the bed and basically makes a big bundle of blankets of them both before carrying them out of the room.
Jaime can’t help but stare when suddenly, kind of mirror images of the dark-haired people she stabled and Tyrion and Cersei appear in the beds, looking soundly asleep. Jaime wants to go after his siblings, but that is when he can hear the hag approach, so he hides under the bed. From there, he can overhear her chant in Valyrian, and from the shadows on the wall he can see that she stabs the mirror images of his siblings with another kind of obsidian dagger, only for them to basically go up in flames. And as the fire keeps rising from the bed, the woman’s shadow twists from that of an old hag into that of a young woman (and yes, that is Mel for you). Jaime watches as the woman goes away, the red-stoned necklace glowing threateningly as she goes.
Once she is gone, Jaime rushes out of the house to search for his siblings, and finds them resting against a big oak not too far away, though out of the house’s sight. He runs up to them, only to stop when he sees the blonde woman cowering on the ground, visibly in pain. Jaime feels any urge to help her, but then again, she may also be a witch. Before he can make up his mind, the woman gets to her feet, brushes her fingers over Tyrion’s and Cersei’s eyes and tells them to “soon awaken.” After that, she staggers back to the house.
Tyrion and Cersei soon wake up, very much in shock to be a) nekkid, and b) bundled up together while being nekkid. Cersei wants to scream, Tyrion wants to scream, but Jaime holds both their mouths shut before they can. He helps them unbundle into two separate bundles before they make away from the house. Once they are out of eavesdrop, Jaime demands to know what they were up to. Tyrion recounts that they could not refuse the gifts offered, and Hells, were those gifts fine, but Jaime snaps at him that the old witch offered those gifts to finish them off and kill them.
“It was mere luck that she did not achieve that.”
He then gives Cersei a stern look when she won’t even so much as try to appear guilty, instead only ever arguing that she makes her own choices. And so, they have to continue their quest to the capitol on their own because the guards are gone. To afford some garbs for Tyrion and Cersei beside the bedspread, Jaime has to sell most of his armor. With the rest of the money they buy provisions. And so, by the time they arrive in King’s Landing, they look nothing like the Lannister siblings. When Cersei demands an audience with the King as his future wife, the guards have a good laugh at that, because no way such a “dirty peasant girl” would be the future wife of the king. Cersei is furious, but they threaten to throw them into prison if they don’t get lost. Cersei swears vengeance, while Tyrion and Jaime try to think of better solutions. Tyrion suggests that they should try to stay in the city, write a letter to their father to explain the situation, and send help to King’s Landing to affirm their identity.
“Until then, we will have to lead a simpler life.”
Cersei, the spoiled chick she is, wants to refuse to work for their money. Tyrion refuses to join the circus, understandably, but no one else will take him. So Jaime is yet again stuck as the guy who has to handle most of it. They eventually have enough money for ink, parchment, and quill, so Tyrion can compose the letter, but they still need a trained raven to bring the message to the Westerlands, and those are more expensive than either one thought.
Jaime labors as hard as he can, but then Cersei runs into the actual Euron Greyjoy who looks so much like the guy she fucked senseless and her ladyboner is instantly back in the game. She tries to charm him, but… curiously, she is not as charming as she thought she was, now that she is just in simple garbs. Euron finds her funny enough, even more so when she tells him that she is Cersei Lannister. He thinks it’s a joke, but okay, if she wants to believe that, because the Lannister siblings are long since considered dead after they got lost in the woods and part of their garbs were found spread across.
He makes an offer to Cersei after she recounts her adventures in the house (he heard about the witch and has evil plans on his own) that if she can bring him proof that she was there, he would help her (and also offers her to marry her if she liked, and Cersei wants that dick of a dick a lot already). Thus, she is pretty happy when she returns to her brothers to tell them that she found a solution, being so super smart, and that all they have to do is find the proof that Euron demanded of them, something she saw on the way there, a dove with a feather of gold and a feather of silver time about.
“Are you out of your mind? We are trying to stay away from this place, you remember? We barely escaped last time.”
“They think we are dead. That letter to Father won’t achieve anything, even if we finally get to send it. You may be simple enough to be done with a simple life like this, Jaime, but I will not die a peasant girl shoveling horseshit out of the stables. And anyway, perhaps it is a fortune. I would much better like myself to be the wife of the King of the Iron Islands than Robert. The man clearly does not have Euron’s strength or… looks.”
“So you want to send us both to hell just to have sweet times with the actual man instead of the shadow you fucked?” Tyrion retorts.
“I am taking a chance as I see it arise. Just because you are not smart enough to do the same is none of my problems,” the older sister retorts, before turning to Jaime, “You promised me that you would always protect me. Now is the time to prove it. Bring me that dove and I can make arrangements that we all will live a good life.”
Jaime is eventually bound to agree, though that definitely casts into stone that his sister is not intent on keeping her sweet promises of them being together forever and always. She is much more into Euron’s dickishness. However, he also points out that it will be hard to find the house, since they wandered a long, long time to get there and he has no horse. Cersei is like “well, that’s your problem.” Tyrion still wants to follow through with his plan of writing their father, leaving Jaime as the only one to actually take action instead of bathing in his own cunning like his sister and brother do.
While at the marketplace, he sees the mannish woman again, much to his surprise. She buys some herbs from a foreign looking lady at the market, always making sure to keep her hood on her head, before she proceeds down some empty alleyway. Jaime follows her, shocked to see when she draws a sword from her pouch (Mary Poppins be eating her heart out over that one) and cuts into thin air, only for a portal to open for her to slip through. Jaime, on a whim, jumps into the portal after her. He is thrown out in the woods short before the house. Though thankfully, Brienne already proceeded to the house, so she doesn’t hear him land… roughly. Jaime makes his way closer to the cottage and observes as the woman goes about her routines, feeds the animals, gets water from the well, etc. She then proceeds to the dovecote and Jaime can finally spot that dove with silver and gold feathers. The woman tends to them, and for that she is so mannish and unfeminine in looks, her touches seem surprisingly gentle as she tends to the birds.
“How much I wished I was one of you,” she mutters to herself as she lifts the golden-silver dove to another nest to clean out the other. “Then I could take flight and never look back again.”
Jaime is irritated, because to him it seemed that she has any means to get away, after all, she seems to be a witch, too. However, then he steps on a branchlet the way they always do in the movies, and the woman blindly whirls around, pulling the sword from the pouch.
“What are you doing here?” she snarls in a low voice, sword readily aimed at him. Jaime holds up his hands in surrender. “I… got lost in the woods.”
“Nonsense,” she mutters, but then shakes her head. “It makes no difference. You must be on your way and not come back ever again, do you understand that?”
“I can’t.”
“I need one of those doves.”
The woman opens her mouth to say something, but that is when she turns her head and the hag approaches.
“Child, what did you bring to me from the market?” the hag chimes, her eyes already set on Jaime. “A little surprise, it seems.”
“This thief meant to steal one of your doves,” the young woman answers. “He must have followed me somehow, Mother, I apologize for my negligence. But let me right it by casting him out of the woods.”
“But child, is that how we treat guests?”
“The old laws say that no thief is deserving of the rights of hospitality, Mother. We are not to interfere with their laws, are we?”
Jaime just grimaces, because it appears that the girl is honestly trying to get him out of there the same way she got out his siblings.
“We pray to the Lord of Light, my daughter. It is with his laws that we are not to interfere. Though you have the rights of it, he must repay for his act of thievery, now complete or not,” the hag chimes. “But I think I may know how you can repay me, young man, so long you are willing.”
“I… I should be on my way. It is as she said, I am undeserving of hospitality. I am a lowlife thief, good woman.”
“But there are ways to cleanse yourself of those sins. Now come,” the hag coaxes him with her bony index finger. Jaime shudders as the younger woman gives him a shove forward to follow suit.
“I thought you wanted to get me out of there.”
“And I am working on that, against the odds of your thievery.”
The hag repeats the same process as last time, and says that if he wants to repay the debt, he would make one of her daughters very happy.
“They are so very alone here. And nothing brings me more joy than knowing my daughters happy.”
“Can I take her, then?” Jaime asks, pointing at the blonde woman, who is having a serious WTF moment. After all, she be ugly.
“I am afraid that is the one daughter I cannot give to you,” the hag tells him, tapping the girl’s hand with a threatening kind of affection. “She is of a purer heart than most can fathom, and it must stay uncorrupted for that matter. But my other daughters, for all their beauty and cunning and kindness, find joy in the task. So please, if you wish to repay me as you promised, you will now choose one of them to make them very, very happy.”
“But what of their honors? They would be besmirched,” Jaime insists.
“We follow another faith than that of the Seven, and for the Lord of Light, there is no taint in passion, there is no shame in love. Honor lies in no one but the Red God. He demands us to live, and so I ask you to let them live to their fullest, if only one and only for a single night.”
Jaime exchanges a look with the girl, who gives a kind of nod, so he chooses the next best black-dressed, raven-haired girl who is all cheery for finally getting a bit of that cake.
“Mother, shall I show him to the chamber? I have not yet readied the rooms after our last guests… left. We wouldn’t want our new guest to sleep in an unprepared room.”
“Yes, yes, do that. Many thanks, my daughter,” she chimes, before looking at Jaime, “And you make sure to treat my other daughter right and give her all that she desires. In time, you may discover that it is very much what you yourself desire most. Because we are all hungry for life, for the light within.”
The blonde leads the way up to the chamber Tyrion was in before. Once inside, the raven is all over Jaime, kissing him all the way up to his tonsils, basically. Jaime tries to *gently* push her off, but the girl really wants to get into his breeches.
“Could you… by any chance tell her to stop?”
“Stop?” the raven laments. “But why, good ser? I can make you feel real, real good.”
“I bet,” Jaime grimaces, trying to put distance between himself and the girl, but she is about to give him chase. His eyes are on the blonde girl the whole time as she checks the door and then the windows. “Can you repeat the magic…?”
The woman cuts him off harshly, “I cast no magic, ser. I am only here to prepare the bed.”
She fluffs up the pillows, only for the raven basically throwing Jaime down on the mattress the very next moment. The blonde rolls her big blue eyes, which Jaime finds quite beautiful by the way, before muttering, “I will see after you later that night, in case you grow… hungry or thirsty. Make sure to stay in here until it is… time.”
With that she goes, leaving Jaime to fend off against that very hungry for him raven girl. He curses over and over again that the woman as he tries to fend off the other because he won’t let her get into his breeches, nuh-uh.
The blonde makes her way back down to the hag.
“Our guest is all set?”
“Yes, Mother,” she answers.
“Come sit with me, Brienne,” the hag urges her.
Brienne reluctantly does so. The witch takes her hand and holds on… roughly.
“I have the feeling that you are not particularly pleased with our visitor being in the house to serve our great purpose for the Lord of Light,” she says.
“That is… you know that I was raised in another faith before you became my mother. And those laws… they are close to my heart. I find it hard to forgive an act of thievery by granting him the privilege to serve the Lord of Light just like the others who did no wrong and thus proved pure enough to serve the Red God.”
“I know it must be hard for you at times, but this is your life now. We have our arrangement, yes?”
“Of course, Mother, but I cannot deny myself… the past that is also part of who I am.”
“And I would never demand of you to shed it, for that is part of the purity you emit,” the hag assures her. “I just want to be sure that you and I agree on that matter. Serving the Red God is our thing to do. So do not let the morals of the mortals make you step away from the Lord of Light’s teachings.”
“Of course, Mother.”
The hag then turns her head. “Strange, I can’t hear him just yet.”
“Some are… silent, I’d assume.”
“Might be. We will give it a few more hours. We want to be sure that our friend is filled with light before we… cut it out of him.”
“Of course, Mother.”
Brienne goes to the dovecote to retrieve the golden-silvery dove and puts it in her magical pouch (seriously, Mary Poppins eat your heart out hard at that one). She then goes back up the barrel staircase into the room, surprised to find Jaime drenched in sweat, still more or less dressed, though the girl managed to take some clothes off, standing on one side of the bed while the girl is on the other, telling him over and over that it’s time for them to finally become one and stop the games. Normally, they all fall for the temptation. They never resist, but this guy did, for hours. Strange. She stabs the raven girl from behind and she, too, turns to black smoke.
“Thank you. Took you long enough. She has been chasing me for hours, Seven Hells.”
“Why did you run, then?”
“Why would I not?”
“No one ever does.”
“There are no men like me, only me.”
“It makes no difference, now be quiet and follow me,” Brienne urges him, gesturing at the window. Jaime watches as she casts the same spell as last time to make a mirror image of himself and the raven girl reappear in the bed, snuggled post coitus.
“And here you told me you cast no magic.”
“I can’t do it for long, which is why I have to time it right,” Brienne answers. “Now come, before she gets here to collect the debt.”
Jaime agrees and follows her outside. They walk on for a longer while.
“Won’t she realize that you killed her daughter?”
“She is not dead, for none of them are alive,” Brienne answers. “They are shadows. When I use that dagger, they only ever wake up, not remembering what happened the night before.”
“How convenient,” Jaime says, and Wacky agrees, because that is some great kind of plot convenience I grant myself to make this work.
“It’s far from convenient, believe me that,” Brienne huffs.
“If so, why would you stay?”
“I must. I cannot leave. Ever again.”
They reach a clearing. Brienne takes out the dove from her pouch and holds it out to Jaime.
“Be careful not to hurt it. You must promise me. Because I reckon that if you don’t get her now, you will come back a second time. And I don’t want to see you anywhere near the house ever again. Understood?”
“Uhm, of course.”
“No, you must promise me to keep her safe and set her free once you are done. No harm will come to her. You will vouch for her. And once you have showed her to whoever needs to see her, you will set her free. She will find her way back to here. But you must promise me.”
“I, I promise you. I swear it.”
“I call her Arianne.”
“I vouch for Arianne’s safety. You have my word, as a knight.”
“You don’t look much like a knight.”
“You don’t either, and yet you wield a sword.”
“You should be on your way. And make sure not to return… and to keep your promise.”
“I will.”
Brienne reaches into her pouch to take out her magic sword, but then she suddenly goes to the ground, crying out in pain.
“What is wrong?”
“It’s nothing!” Brienne shouts. Jaime watches in shock, but then bends down to at least offer the comfort of holding on to her shoulder. “Is there something I can do?”
Eventually, her body kind of falls flat to the ground. Brienne wants to scramble to her feet, but they give way underneath her.
“Easy, easy.”
“But you must go.”
“I think we will have that one moment to spare. But what is this?”
“She… killed you, or so she thought. And that is the debt I pay for those unaware of what the price is,” Brienne tells him, but then gets to her feet, picks up the sword and cuts through thin air to produce the portal. “You must go now. And never come back.”
“As you will… what is your name?”
The woman is shooketh, because she can’t remember the last time one of the “guests” so much as asked her name.
“Mine is Jaime. I thank you. I owe you my life. And a Lannister always pays his debts, you know?”
“You must go now.”
“As you will. And I will keep my promise. Arianne is safe with me.”
Brienne nods and then watches Jaime disappear through the portal. She sits back down on the forest ground, totally exhausted. She looks up to the moon.
“Why do you test me so? Just how much more do I have to bear before my debt is paid?”
Jaime finds himself back in King’s Landing. His thoughts keep circling around Brienne all the while as he carries the dove back to their small apartment. Cersei only ever laments about how late he is and gives no consideration to whether he is alright or not (that’s canon, yo). Tyrion is happy to see him back. Jaime explains parts of what happened, but tells Cersei explicitly that he will come with her to Euron to ensure that he does not keep the dove.
“It was given to me under the premise that I return it.”
Cersei is like *shrugs* and on the next day, the two seek out Euron to present the dove. Euron is very pleased about it, though he is unhappy when Jaime insists that he cannot keep it.
“And here I thought you were most invested in your sister’s happiness.”
“I am concerned with her safety. And for that, I wouldn’t think I have to pay a price, now do I? Because what kind of a gentleman would that make of you in turn?” Jaime retorts. “And anyway, I rather have a question for you, namely what you’d want with that dove, or the witch for that matter.”
“Oh, I have any intention to find her. She casts the kind of magic I need to take the Iron Throne.”
“You want to… usurp Robert?” Jaime asks.
“How wonderful!” Cersei chimes, full on hearteyes for Euron. “Then I would be your Queen.”
“You well could be, my sweetling. But that depends on whether the mission succeeds.”
“Then give him the dove already.”
“I will not,” Jaime insists. “And I won’t lead you to the house. I lost my way and only ever stumbled upon it. I wouldn’t find my way a second time.”
“But you could surely try.”
“I am afraid I can’t.”
“I will not, sister.”
“But this is important. This is our way back into the life we were meant to live.”
“And strangely so, it is very different from the one you once promised me,” Jaime argues. “As you seem to have forgotten long, long time ago.”
Cersei then, to his surprise, agrees, and says that she may have gone too far. She would not want to go behind his back, and he will have his reasons. She apologizes to Euron before they go off. Jaime doesn’t trust this, but they go home together anyway. Back there, Jaime puts the dove in a cage, telling both that neither one is to release the bird and that he will take care of it (he doesn’t want Euron to see to where the dove is headed).
However, Cersei, one night, opens the cage to let the bird fly out (she just played because she is still intent on becoming Euron’s Queen instead of Robert’s), which is the sign for Euron and the gang to follow. Tyrion observes that and rouses Jaime to tell him of it, but the damage is already done. He curses Cersei and tells her to go to the Seven Hells with her sweetheart before grabbing his sword to go into the woods.
“But shouldn’t we make a plan first?” Tyrion insists.
“There is no time for planning now. There is time for action, and anyway, I am the dumbest Lannister anyway, as this should attest. I failed a promise that should have been far easier to keep. But I will repay my debts, no doubt. Even if it is the last thing I am to do.”
Jaime thus proceeds into the woods on his own, but without horse, he is not as fast as Euron is, which is why he is the first to reach the cottage. Knowingly, he knocks on the door and asks for a place to spend the night for him and his friends. The witch readily agrees, under the condition that each choose one of her daughters to bed with them. However, Euron then says that he would much rather have her, indicating that he knows about her magic, making mention of the Azor Ahai and how he was born under a red comet and now came to King’s Landing to seize the throne. Mel gets almost off to this and tells him that he may have her. She believes that this is the guy of prophecy.
Up in the chamber, Mel transforms herself into her young, beautiful self before the two get into some serious fucking. She wants to make a new shadow with him who will kill the King and thus clear the path for the Azor Ahai to rise. She saw Euron in one of her visions, which is why she made one of the shadows in his  image already, well aware that Cersei would be destined to fall for him (she thinks that she is the Nissa Nissa to that story).
Brienne, meanwhile, just hopes for all of it to be over soon, quick to excuse herself when the rest of Euron’s company doesn’t even bother to take it up to the rooms but basically engage in an orgy right in the common room, such nasty scumbags full of horniness. As I said, not a story for little children LOL.
Brienne instantly got the feeling that Euron means no good, because she can only sense darkness coming from him. However, her thoughts soon go to the fact that Euron came here with the dove in hand (which I forgot to mention before), which means that Jaime did not keep his promise after all. Saddened, she goes into the dovecote to see after Arianne and the other doves, recounting how much she wished she could just die, because that would put an end to all of that misery, but Mel cast a curse on her that prevents Brienne from taking her own life, because Mel will also die if her seventh daughter (in the tale it’s twelfth, but for the sake of the Seven) finds her end. Mel bought or abducted daughters until she found Brienne, whose heart is of true light. That is why she treasures her so and wants to be sure that Brienne never disappears for long.
Just as she is about to leave, a bunch of Euron’s friends invades the dovecote and argues that they want to have a taste of her, too, because they never had one quite that ugly and would like to find out what that feels like on the inside. Seriously, no children’s story. Brienne is shocked for a moment, but then gathers herself and produces the magic sword from her pouch to fight off the guys. Being a good fighter, she manages, but as she is about to get back to the house, she is attacked from behind. The sword flies from her hand and Brienne struggles against the guy, but that is when Jaime ex machina happens and he kills the guy.
“Here, take my hand,” Jaime urges her when Brienne gets back to her feet, but she swats his hand away before making for her sword.
“I don’t need the help of oathbreakers,” she mutters as the sword disappears back in the pouch.
“I came to right that wrong. My sister freed Arianne before I could send her back safely so that Euron and his men could not follow.”
“I told you not to come back.”
“Euron means bad news. I wanted to be sure that you were unharmed.”
Brienne be like WTF, why would he care about *meeee*, but she soon gathers herself and insists that he should go back and has no business here anymore. Jaime wants to know what she intends to do, and Brienne is quick to answer that she will finally repay her debt.
“The first people who came here… I didn’t know that Mother meant to kill them. I only ever saw the ashes in the bed the next morning. I swore to myself to never let that happen again. And that means that I will make sure that she will not succeed. She believes that she has since gathered the light of life from so many, from the likes of your sister, your brother, when all she ever got was the light I carry in my heart. And that is not enough to forge Lightbringer. She will not succeed. And then… my debt will be paid for those lives I did not protect.”
“But you couldn’t know that,” Jaime argues. “Just like I couldn’t know that Cersei would do that. Sometimes… things are beyond our control.”
“I know. Almost everything is beyond my control. My own life and death lie beyond my own control because I cannot choose my own death by virtue of the curse Mother put on me. The only one who can kill me is her, and she would never do that, because she needs my light to forge Lightbringer.”
“And she thinks she will forge it… with Euron?”
“She thinks he is the Prince that was Promised, meant to ascend to the Iron Throne, born amidst salt and smoke. And she will do whatever it takes to see her vision become reality,” Brienne answers. “And you would do best disappearing, ser.”
“What do you intend to do?”
“I don’t know, but there is no time for clever planning now. I must do something, or else no one will.”
Jaime gets even more hearteyes at the fact that she is just like him in that way, but they are interrupted by… loud coupling coming to a climax. Inside, Mel, in a matter of seconds, develops a babybum. Euron be like “ew, but okay.”
“You will have to accompany me now to King’s Landing, so you may seize the Throne, my King,” Mel tells him as they get dressed again. “My daughter will take us there. And then this our son will ensure that what is rightfully yours will always be yours.”
“And you will be by my side?”
“Always,” she assures him.
Somewhere in the distance, a glass of wine is poured because Cersei just got achey-hearty.
They exit. Brienne tells Jaime to hide away. She swallows when she sees the babybum, well aware of what that means.
“We will need your services another time, dear,” Mel tells her.
“But his men will stay here,” Brienne insists. “Some tried to rape me.”
“Did they?” Mel says, turning to Euron with a dark, very dark look. “You may have all that you desire, but on that we must agree, if any harm comes to my one true daughter, I will personally ensure that your reign may be long but also filled with sorrow.”
“My men will stay behind, and I apologize for any inconvenience. But we should go now. I’d think it’s high time for Lightbringer to be forged, my love.”
“Brienne, the portal.”
“Yes, Mother,” Brienne says with a bowed head before opening the portal for them. Euron helps Mel through and Brienne is last, but she gives a sign to Jaime to quickly follow, which he does. And so, they are in King’s Landing, right within the Red Keep. Jaime is quick to hide away while Brienne trots after Euron and Mel.
They go to the gardens to where they are undisturbed. Mel knows it’s time to squeeze out that shadowbaby, so on the ground she goes and the legs are spread because MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA is incoming.
Brienne tries to come up with a solution, but the shadowbaby pops out of her vag that is dark and full of terrors and instantly sets out to off Robert in his sleep.

“It’s nearly done,” Mel says, looking happy and proud at her monster MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA as it goes. However, that is when Jaime appears from the shadows and wrestles Euron to the ground and overpowers him, holding the sword to his neck.
“You will call back your shadow right now or your precious Prince is doomed to die in the gardens of the palace he wants so badly,” Jaime threatens. Brienne and Mel are still fairly in shock, because that came out of nowhere, but that is the luxury of those who don’t plan for too long, they are much more flexible in their enterprises when a chance arises.
“You will let go of him right now, or I will kill you.”
“Then so you kill me,” Jaime retorts, but then looks at Brienne. “I owe someone a debt, and that means that no more lives are taken for power’s sake, not on my watch. And a Lannister always pays his debts.”
Brienne = teary hearteyes.
Mel, enraged, wants to use some dark magic mojo to off Jaime, but that is when Brienne improvises and seizes her chance, which is why she jumps into the line of fire… magic… and gets hit by Mel’s dark magic.
Jaime be “noooooooo!”
Mel be “nooooooooooooooo!”
Euron be “why is no one paying attention to meeeeeeeee?”
Brienne goes to the ground and white light emits from her body. Up in the tower where the shadow is already looming over Robert’s fat, sleeping form, disperses into thin air when the light shines brighter than any star (get it, Lightbringer and Evenstar, nudge, nudge).
Mel is in a frenzy, because now it dawns on her that she got the vision all wrong. That Brienne’s light was Lightbringer and that she just became the Nissa Nissa in order for it to be forged. The red crystal in her necklace breaks apart and reveals the old hag again and she turns to ashes slowly as she burns away with a taste of her own dark magic.
Jaime, meanwhile, tied up Euron before rushing up to Brienne, tears streaming down his face.
“I thank you,” she whispers,” for keeping your promise… and helping me keep mine.”
“Why did you do that?”
“It was the only way to break the curse. It’s all good now. I am finally free… Melisandre took me away from my family. She stole my sisters, but none bore the light, so she killed them. And then she stole me, too. But now I am a dove, free to go wherever I want. I am free,” she mutters with a faint smile, but then she looks almost woeful. “Though I will be free not knowing what it’s like… to be bound to someone. What it means to… not be pure light. But I suppose that’s the price you pay…”
Jaime then bends down to kiss her. He can feel her smile against her lips while tears now also stream down her face. But then, she stills and the kiss ends as her life ends, too.
Jaime is inconsolable, but that is when the dove with silver and gold feathers appears and lands on Brienne’s open hands in her lap. Jaime stares when the dove suddenly speaks and whispers at him that she is the Evenstar with crescent moons of silver and sunbursts made of gold in her banner, and that for every time one of the seven stars fell, she, the dove, was rewarded one of the feathers.
“And the Gods have ruled that her light is meant to shine on for longer. For that is the debt they owe her in turn.”
The golden and silver feathers fall from the dove onto Brienne, and then light erupts again. Once it’s gone, Brienne gasps and is awake again. Jaime is overjoyed and holds her close. Brienne notes that she feels no more magic in herself, sounding utterly relieved.
She watches the dove now without silver and gold fly away, as light as ever.
“I thank you for my freedom.”
They are interrupted when men of the Kingsguard come in. Jaime explains that they intercepted Euron who meant to murder the King. Euron denies that, of course, but he is taken into custody anyway because he is a searched for criminal. Jaime and Brienne are allowed to leave. He takes her back to his apartment, where he meets up with a very surprised Tyrion and a greatly pissed Cersei. Her fury knows no limits when he informs her that Euron was thrown into prison.
Tyrion announces that he succeeded to get into contact with their father after he followed his brother’s example and took some action, which is why he stole one of the ravens Euron brought along on his ship. When Cersei wants to know what he would want with that “great beast of a woman,” Jaime says bluntly that he has any intention to court her to eventually make her his wife, as future Lord of Casterly Rock.
Cersei = omfg sayeth whaaaaaaat?
Brienne = whaaaaaaat?
But yeah, Jaime is steadfast in that new plan, because he is a man of action and he thus decided and will stick to that choice. “But that won’t prevent me from making some plans for the future, not just my own, but that of Casterly Rock.”
Jaime and Brienne finally get to spend some quality time together while they JB BANGTICIPATION for the guards from the Rock to get them and confirm their identity. Jaime is ever the more assured in his choice because Brienne is so much like him, while looking nothing like him. She helps around the apartment, is kind and good, and damn, can she kiss.
When the guards arrive, they can confirm their identity and the three siblings alongside Brienne are taken to the Rock. Tywin informs them upon their safe return that Robert has since called off the wedding to Cersei after it was brought to his attention that she knew of Euron’s plan to murder him and actively helped to see it being achieved. He tells her that she may indeed wed Euron if she is so fond of him, but that he will only ever be the King of the Black Cells because he was charged for attempted murder and won’t see the Iron Islands in a long time. Cersei is really pissed.
Jaime explains to his father that he wants to wed Brienne. Tywin is like… really? But she ugly. Jaime assures him that this is the one way to get him to follow through with taking Casterly Rock, so he either lets his son choose his bride or he can choose to give the Rock to either Tyrion or Cersei, both of whom, for all their cunning, have proved more or less useless on the journey, safe for Tyrion who learned some lessons, at least.
When Brienne dares to add that she is of noble birth, being the daughter of the late Lord Selwyn Tarth, Tywin is quick to agree.
And so, a wedding is soon in place, and a wedding night in particular, so that Brienne can finally move away from the pedestal of prudish holiness. She finds that not just quite thrilling because… I mean, this is Jaime LOL, but because she finally lives a whole life and not just those parts tied to her duty, no longer alone.
And so, it isn’t until long that the new Lady of the Rock can announce that she is with child, which brings us full circle in that this is yet another interpretation of the Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa wherein it was not about killing the Nissa Nissa but making a MARTHA MARTHA MARTHA that would then bring the light for the two of them as they are happily settled into their shared life, where neither one is afraid to take action, but find out that they have now future plans, so long they have them together.

The End.
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Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

11:17 AM - Aug 12, 2018 #164

So okay, it’s time to shred another (I am drowning you with them, it is known). This time, I thought Jack and the Beanstalk would be fun.
So here is how it shreds:
Once upon a time…
Jaime (Jack) doesn’t have it easy in life. Due to yet unnamed circumstances, he and Tyrion (also Jack LOL) were forced to leave Casterly Rock and now live in poverty somewhere on the countryside further down South. The two only have one cow, which is their sole source of income. Jaime, ever since their banishment, has been determined to keep his little brother safe, has labored hard and without relent. However, Tyrion seems convinced that what he reads in books will get them closer to former days of glory and wealth.
Jaime doesn’t want to destroy the younger man’s hopes, but he wants to draw the line where it affects their daily life. Because Tyrion likes to take a gamble, even if they do not have the luxury to take that kind of a risk. He already tried to roll the dice with the last money they had for the rest of the month, which meant living off of mushrooms and berries from the nearby forest for way too many days. Tyrion tried to trick his way into wealth, but nothing worked. However, and that is what Jaime has to give him, the man is beyond clever, which is why he assigns Tyrion to the task of selling the cow after she stopped giving milk.
Tyrion thus makes for the nearby village to sell the cow. However, he runs into a bean dealer (lol) who offers him what he claims to be magic beans in exchange for the cows. Now, Tyrion is certainly too clever to believe in magic, but he believes he recognizes those beans from a book he read, and those are very rare kinds that are supposed to grow very, very high in a short amount of time. That would mean fast access to food and a renewable resource. Great.
Jaime is more than shocked to learn what his brother did when he comes back home with no money at all and only a handful of beans.
“How am I supposed to get a new wheel for the carriage with a handful of beans? How do we pay the landlord? How am I supposed to play for what it takes to plant those magical beans of yours if I have no money for it, Tyrion?” Jaime snaps, finally having had enough.
“This is an investment into the future, brother. We live from one day to the next, but if we want to be wealthy again, we have to think bigger, you see?”
“Well, while you try to think big, I am trying to ensure that you and I witness those days. Because while you have your head in the clouds, there are people like me who try to make sure that while you dream away, your stomach is filled so that you do not starve to death.”
In a fury, Jaime tosses the beans to the ground outside, telling Tyrion that he won’t get his daily provision of wine tonight because they will have to rationalize it even more than previously.
“Thinking bigger for the future, you see?”
Tyrion grumbles as they make back into the house. They have dinner in silence and go to bed early. Jaime feels halfway bad for having yelled at his brother, but he can’t help himself. He has to make sure that Tyrion is safe, but the guy just always gets them into even more trouble than before.
During the night, something strange happens when the magic beans gleam blue in the moonlight and a gigantic beanstalk springs from the beans, reaching all the way into the clouds and beyond.
Tyrion is the one to awake first, quite shocked to see that enormous beanstalk, but when he rouses Jaime, he is in the best of spirits: “I was wrong!”
“And what makes you so happy about that?”
“I thought those were regular fast-growing plants. But those are indeed magic beans. I read about that in a storybook and thought it was no more than a myth, but if that is so, this is our way back to wealth, brother. All we have to do is to get to the top.”
“What would we do there?”
“Peek above the clouds to see what is there,” Tyrion chimes.
Jaime is not having it and tells him that it is too dangerous, but the first best chance Tyrion gets, he tries to climb the thing. Seeing his brother struggle, Jaime knows he has no other choice but to come along. So he packs his bag as well and then starts the climb up the beanstalk.
“I can’t believe that I am doing this, Seven Hells,” Jaime mutters all the while as they continue their climb.
“We will be greatly rewarded for it.”
“And what makes you so certain of it?” Jaime wants to know, dragging Tyrion up with him.
“If the legend can be trusted, and at this point, there seems hardly any doubt after such a supernatural experience… there is a giant living in a castle up on that beanstalk. And he holds great treasures there. We just have to take a bit of gold and we will never have to think about hunger again, or thirst for a good drop of wine, for that matter.”
“Or there might just as well be nothing on there, because there was no castle on top of the beanstalk last time I checked when it was still beans.”
“That is because the castle is not on the beanstalk, but rather above the clouds. The beanstalk is the way to get there, easy as that.”
“Easy as that my ass.”
Eventually, they break through the clouds, and to Jaime’s great shock, they are indeed on solid ground all of a sudden.
“This is against anything I thought the world was made of.”
“The wonders of being proven wrong,” Tyrion chimes.
They soon also spot the castle Tyrion read about in a book. Jaime has his hand on the pommel of his sword at all times now as they continue their quest to the castle, because he has a really bad feeling about all this, whereas Tyrion is basically living the dream.
They sneak into the castle, but before they can go looking for the gold, the giant returns, so they have to hide away. However, the supposed great giant (judging by the size of the castle and the items within… is not *that* tall, still very tall, much taller than them, but by no means as gigantic as the castle would suggest.
“Is that… is that a woman?” Jaime gapes when he sees the giant remove the hood to reveal unruly blonde curls underneath, a freckled, ugly face, but to his mind, unmistakably a woman no less. The woman empties her bag to reveal a few birds she seemingly shot from the sky. She takes out the feathers before roasting one of them, whereas the rest goes into a broth already boiling on the stove. While she is preoccupied with fixing up her dinner, Jaime and Tyrion steal away from the kitchen and into the treasury, and indeed, all is as it is said in the myth. Lumps of gold, golden cups with rubies, necklaces of finest silver, all is there and up for grabs. Holy cow. I mean, not the cow that stopped giving milk, LOL. So Jaime and Tyrion fill up their bags with as much as they can carry, reckoning that the giantess will hardly realize a few cups and some gold gone.
They make back and come to pass through the kitchen where the tall woman sits by the hearth, silently singing to herself the song of exposition:
A woman once loved a giant man.
They built a castle in the clouds,
Far away from laughing crowds.
A giant once loved a woman.
They took their vows all alone.
And all sorrow, for a time, was gone.
A child was born into the clan.
A girl, but oh! The shock was great.
Neither giant nor lady was her fate.
Alone to the Seven Heavens she went.
Far away from people’s scorn,
She sought a place for no one but her own.
Alone she stayed from dusk till dawn.
Alone she lived, dancing on a memory,
Cast into Valyrian steel, a weapon’s reverie.
Alone she stayed from dusk till dawn,
All happiness long since gone.
Because a giant is no swan.
She cannot fly, can only hide,
And to the Seven’s laws abide.
So that when the time comes,
Part of the family she becomes.
So to be loved for all eternity,
For there is no love for absurdity.
The brothers are somewhat saddened at the song they hear, but they also know they have to get out of here fast if they don’t want to be crushed by that giantess for the robbery.
To break with the rule, we won’t have going up three times, but instead, Tyrion and Jaime make outside, only to discover that a massive storm rages, and the lightning, now that close, is about to kill them, so they have no choice but seek refuge in the castle for the night, or at least until the storm has passed. Jaime finds himself more and more intrigued by that gigantic woman when she starts to train swordfighting with a marvelous sword of Valyrian steel. However, fortune of ex machina wants it that they are being discovered, so Tyrion clumsily drops one of the golden coins while inspecting it to estimate its worth. The giantess finds them before they can hide away.
“You thieves!” she shouts when she approaches them and holds them back.
“We apologize, my good lady, but you see, we are very, very much in need of…,” Tyrion tries to bargain, but the woman just takes them by the collar, drags them up a path she created for herself to climb atop every gigantic shelf and locks them into one of the cupboards by turning the key with a special handle she attached to the key so she can properly turn it without having the size of an actual giant.
“I will hear no word from you. It is a great wrong to steal, and an even greater to forego the laws of the Gods of being a guest in a house,” the blonde woman tells them as she turns the key in the lock. Jaime and Tyrion stand by the glass, but because it is so thick, there is no way for them to break it. “I should just toss you off the clouds.”
“I would not very much fancy that.”
“You will stay in here until the storm has passed, then I will see that you get down without the treasures you stole. And if I catch you another time, it will be the death of both you, you have my word for it. And I always keep my promises.”
With that, she leaves the kitchen.
“Great, just great. Of course you had to take it out and inspect it.”
“I thought I had a good grip on it. And the woman is wicked fast.”
“It makes no difference anymore anyway,” Jaime argues. “We will just have to JB BANGTICIPATION till she lets us go and then go on as before, almost starving to death because of your folly. You know, I don’t want to say that I told you so, but I seem to recall that I made mention of that before.”
With growling stomachs, the two try to get some sleep. However, to their great surprise, the lock opens for a brief moment as the woman shoves to bowls of roasted bird with some stew into the cupboard before locking it again wordlessly. The two almost have tears in their eyes when they have a meal that good after they had a very… meager diet before. Eventually they fall asleep, feeling sated for once. They wake up to the pouting of the giantess.
“Summer storms! Who’s heard of that?! Summer storms! Oh, Father, where is the justice in that?” she goes on as she makes her way into the kitchen and up the path to the cupboard. “You will have to spend more time here because the clouds are too dangerous to walk upon.”
“Or… you could let us out of the cupboard. It’s not like we can run away.”
“No, but you can well hide in the treasury.”
“And what would we take that you could not detect before seeing us off?”
The woman ponders, but then agrees to have them released, though she demands of Jaime to give her his sword, not wanting to take any chances. “Men cannot be trusted.”
“But I am not like most men.”
“All men are like most men. Just like most women are like most women,” the woman argues as she takes the sword from him and proceeds to lock it away someplace Jaime doesn’t know. Once she is done, she returns to the kitchen and explains the rules, namely that they are not allowed to take anything along and that she will repay them in equal measure for any wrongdoing they may commit.
“If you hit me, I will hit you back. If you try to cut me, I will give you a cut in turn. If you steal from me, I will take something you hold dear. So… only treat me as you would want to be treated yourself. That is all I am asking.”
The two agree.
“May I know your name, though?”
“What’s it to you?” she wants to know.
“A captive has the rights to know his captor’s identity,” Jaime replies. “And I would like to have something to call you by.”
“I am Jaime. And this is Tyrion.”
Brienne looks at them for a long moment, but then turns away. “I will prepare something to eat now. You can make yourselves useful and help me with that, or else you won’t get anything in return.”
The two go along with her… argument… and help her prep up something to eat. Jaime and Tyrion are impressed by the devices the woman crafted to manage around a castle not made for even her tall size.
“I’d much fancy some of that for myself,” Tyrion comments. “How much easier I would find it, but we lack the money for that.”
Brienne seems somewhat irritated by that, because she gets it that Tyrion would actually need the kind of things she built for herself, but without money, he can’t really do that, but she is quick to remind herself that people are evil to her and that she went up to the castle for good reason. Nevertheless, she starts to enjoy the company when they all sit down and eat together. She didn't have that in such a long time, after all. Even more so when Tyrion makes some suggestions of how to improve the levers and handles she has around the castle, which would make it a lot easier on her (most of the machinery she has relies on her being physically strong).
Jaime suggests that to make himself useful he could give her some training lessons. Brienne is offended at first, but once they start to fight, she realizes that he is really good and that it is… well, fun. The two grow increasingly closer to the point that they sit down one night to talk about feelings and the past, etc. Jaime reveals that he left the family and his wealth when he chose Tyrion’s side and would no longer tolerate his sister’s and father’s maltreatment of him.
“I never regretted that choice, but I do come to regret how that means he is not much safer now.”
“But you are there to protect him and have his back. That is good enough to me.”
“One can only hope.”
Brienne then recounts her origin story:
“You see, Ser Duncan the Tall? He was…. Actually a giant. People always thought it was just an exaggeration in the books written about him, but no. He was a giant. He was the one who brought the tallness into our blood. It passed down the generations until my father married his wife, my mother. But they were scorned because they were so different. However, the Gods were not kind to them and took three children from them before they had me. And that child… was freakish tall and ugly. The Gods then sent them a sign.”
“What sign?”
“A goose.”
“The goose is still here, so yes, really.”
“And what did the goose… tell them?”
“Nothing much. The goose made them follow. And once they were where they were meant to be, the goose laid a golden egg. It cracked open and a golden staircase climbed into the sky. And my mother and father climbed it all the way to the top. And they found a castle in the clouds. It belonged to Ser Duncan. He had it built before he joined the Kingsguard. He meant to build it for his children, but we grew smaller and smaller in size with every generation, so hardly anything fit them either. But soon, my mother grew ill and died. And father could not bear being in the castle anymore. So we went back down… and the people… did not know what to do with either one of us. We were things of absurdity. There were so many taunts, so many of them. It taught me that I am ugly, that I was different, will always be different, and that all humans will look at me that same way… and then the townspeople came after us and wanted to cast us out… and in the process, my father was killed. I buried him and then went my ways, never looked back… until a goose appeared and gestured at me to follow. So I did… and it laid and golden egg that cracked open to reveal a staircase to here. And ever since that day, I vowed to myself to never return.”
Jaime is quite shocked to hear that, and he realizes that he has really no patience for people being dicks to people who are different. That is why he broke with his family, and now he sees how that broke a family in turn. And that even though Brienne is kind and good-hearted, stubborn to be sure, but undeserving of the shit she must have gotten as a kid.
While the summer storms keep raging, the brothers start to think that maybe they should just stay here, granted that Brienne would allow them to stay. Nothing much awaits them down there that is worth missing. Tyrion teases Jaime about how he reckons he would fancy that especially, to spend even more time with his giantess. Jaime obviously denies it, but Tyrion points out to him that he is too smart to be fooled on those matters.
When the sun shows up again and the storms cease, Brienne is quick to point out to them that they can now go back. To their surprise, she gives each a big lump of gold – for what they have done for her in turn. Jaime argues that they should at the very least have another dinner together. Brienne agrees. JB spend a nice day swordfighting in the clouds. And Jaime suggests to her that maybe they come to visit one another from now on (he wants to take it slow, being a gentleman and all).
“I think I would like that, though I won’t come down, I am afraid.”
“It’s right by our cottage.”
“It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t want to set foot on earth again. It seems to be a bad omen. But you are welcome here any time.”
There is an almost kiss, but then Tyrion shrieks to show them his latest invention. Jaime praises him for his clever mind, reckoning that he just has to accept that Tyrion has another way of looking at the world. They spend a pleasant dinner together, and it feels like finally being home. However, on the next day, the brothers must bid farewell and climb back down, vowing to be back soon.
Brienne gives Jaime the sword back that she kept away from him, but also gives him a fancy dagger. Jaime gives Brienne a kiss on the cheek before quickly disappearing down the beanstalk. Brienne be in wuv. However, she remains conflicted because her family just always headed for disaster. Why would it be different for her?
Back down, Jaime wants to climb back up again almost immediately, but he reckons he should use his time wisely. He goes to the next best smith and wants him to make a custom armor for Brienne. Because he got her measurements right and all. The smith already wonders why he would want an armor that big, and then how he got the money, but Jaime can provide, though he makes sure not to show off the wealth they now have, so not to draw unwanted attention. He says a friend of his saved up money, but they have no smith in their town, so the friend’s asked him to order it and bring it to the next visit. The smith seems kind of suspicious, but then follows through with making the armor.
Tyrion starts to make adaptations around the house the same way Brienne did, though with improvements. Now that he can get the materials, he can finally manage their home without constantly having to ask his brother to help him. Though both soon long to be back up in the clouds with Brienne. It was much more fun up there (and Jaime has wench feels, okay?). At last the armor gets done and Jaime and Tyrion find it is high time to go visit Brienne. And so, up the beanstalk they go.
Brienne is quite shocked to see the two back. Being the insecure thing she actually is, Brienne didn’t believe that they would actually come back. She had that before, people promising to stay in touch and it never came to that, but it’s different with Tyrion and Jaime. Aw. Brienne is close to tears when Jaime presents the brand new blue armor to her, which is the first gift she received from anyone outside her family. They soon are very domestic, having basically family dinner, and Jaime gets more and more of the feeling that he doesn’t really want to go back down. While he doesn’t really admit it to himself just yet, he has severe wench feels. And up here, he can fight with Brienne all he wants without having to worry about how to make it from one day to the next or being discovered as the former heirs of Tywin Lannister.
It doesn’t go unnoticed by Tyrion that Jaime seems to almost thrive up there, which is why he eventually makes the older brother sit down with him and tells him that he should stay with Brienne.
“You have protected me long enough. I like it well enough in both places, but I think for you… she is the place you want to be at,” Tyrion tells him. “Thanks to Brienne’s idea and gifts, I can now manage on my own. You no longer have to watch out for me the whole time.”
“I never thought about it in that way.”
“I know you don’t, but the truth is… you would live quite another life if you did not make the choice for me. And I am grateful and I am sure you do not regret it, but up in the clouds, you can live the life you… deserve. A lord of your own, with no one to whisper, and without the constant worry.”
“I am not the castle’s lord.”
“But you will well be once you make your feelings known to Brienne,” Tyrion chuckles. “You just make sure you invite me to the wedding and all will be good.”
Bro hug and realizing that both have come a long way since and that Tyrion is right, he can’t always stand in his brother’s shadow. He can manage on his own, just in his very own way. Though Tyrion also knows by now that Jaime had the rights of it that he has to maintain a good amount of realism and can’t blindly follow all of his theories and what he read in a book. The reality is far from ideal and sometimes that means taking small steps even when one has the feeling that one could make a larger leap at once.
And so, Jaime uses the next best opportunity to make his feelings clear to Brienne… by talking absolute gibberish and being a total teenager about it. Brienne has a serious WTF moment that is only topped when she realizes that he is seriously confessing his love to her and that he would want to stay here with her, if she wanted that, too. And damn does she want that, because Brienne is honestly being done being lonely. They kiss just as the sun rises over the clouds and it is as magical as you can imagine it to be.
Tyrion proposes a little experiment to assure Jaime that he can handle on his own, which is why he leaves down the beanstalk, which is now equipped with an apparatus Tyrion built so he doesn’t have to climb with his short legs anymore, leaving JB for some sweet time for themselves.
All is good until one unexpected mishap leads to the townspeople seeing the gigantic beanstalk. One person recalls the old tale and they wanna go hunt down the giant and kill “him” to get the treasures.
And so, some townspeople make their way to the little cottage and mean to invade the beanstalk. Tyrion is in shock when he sees that and tries to come up with a solution. He waits till they are climbed further up before getting into his apparatus and following them (he knows they would throw him back down otherwise).
JB, unaware of the ruckus still live the life, walking over the clouds after some good old fighting. Brienne drops some more exposition for the climax of the story, namely that the goose must never be removed from the castle. It can leave on its own as it pleases, but if the goose is forcefully taken, the castle is meant to fall from the clouds.
“This place may have riches, but they don’t matter here, really. I have all that gold and can’t do much with it. I’d even give it away to good people if they asked, but… I don’t know. I suppose I am afraid that people will only take advantage of me.”
“You know, maybe there is a solution to that. We could bring some riches down with Tyrion and have him give to the poor around the area.”
“You think?”
“Why not? And anyway, it may be for the better for when we two have to go down to find ourselves a septon.”
“What would we need a septon for?” she huffs.
“For when I take you to bride, easy as that.”
Brienne wants to say something, but then there is a disturbance in the force, aka, a rumbling goes through the castle.
“The goose,” Brienne mutters. The two rush to the castle, only to find a very upset Tyrion who was locked into the cupboard again while others try to drag the goose from the castle with ropes. Brienne runs up to them and shouts at them to stop it. She shrieks that they can have all the gold, so long they leave the goose, she doesn’t care, but please, just don’t put the goose past the threshold. She doesn’t want to lose the place that is now a home now that Jaime is in it. The guys don’t listen, though and pull the goose outside.
JB rush back inside to get out Tyrion, which they barely manage at the last second, because the castle keeps collapsing. Brienne is terrorized because that was her home for so long and she links so many good memories to this place now. She wanted to grow old with Jaime here up in the clouds, but the Gods won’t grant it. They barely make it out of the castle as it falls from the sky, only to turn into clouds when it lands on earth, leaving no treasures, no nothing. The townspeople proceed to the beanstalk. It starts to sway as the clouds keep dematerializing.
Brienne and Jaime manage to cut the ropes tying the goose, which is why it can fly away.
“We have to get out here!” Jaime yells.
Brienne, even though the townspeople did so much harm right now, wants to know them safe, so she tells Jaime to help her help them into the apparatus Tyrion built and let them down before the whole thing collapses. The townspeople show some honest regret once they realize that the not so gigantic giantess is not at all like she was portrayed in the tales. Jaime and Brienne get everyone including Tyrion into the apparatus. The two decide to climb down instead since the basket is otherwise really packed.
They barely make it down, but then the beanstalk really starts to sway, and seemingly is about to fall onto the town.
“We have to do something!” Brienne yells, looking around. She sees that to the other side, there is more or less open fields only. She gestures at Jaime, “Come, we have to log it to ensure it falls down this way!”
Jaime takes out his sword like Brienne and they start to chop away, even at the danger of being buried underneath it if they don’t act fast enough. Brienne can cut fairly deep with her Valyrian steel blade. The townspeople, touched by the help, decide to aid as well, grab axes or whatever they can find and chop along. Together, they manage to cut rather deep. Brienne then orders everyone to go out of the way so she can land some last strikes. But then the beanstalk starts to fall. Jaime is shooketh when he can’t see Brienne anymore. Dust, clouds, drama. He then instantly climbs over the thing, yelling for Brienne to answer him, but thankfully, she rolled out on the other side at the last second. Jaime pulls her in for a kiss, glad that she is alive and well.
The townspeople are short up behind him and express their relief that she is fine. Brienne is quite irritated, because she expected them to react differently, even more so when they genuinely apologize and explain that they didn’t know she was good. They thought they were taking from an evil creature.
“Bu you are good, which makes our actions bad. We cost you your home, and there ain’t no thing that we can do to repay you for it, m’lady.”
Brienne is wtf-ing hard, because this is the first time she sees genuine concern for herself and people who apologize for real. She tells them that it is alright.
“I have my home with me,” she says, looking at Jaime. He smiles back at her.
To repay part of the debt, the townspeople throw a big feast to celebrate their new heroes, voting that they become the village’s headsmen and protectors alongside Tyrion, though Tyrion is also awarded as the town’s… technician. He is supposed to aid the people building better devices for agriculture, and Tyrion gladly agrees, because that means he can contribute on his own and no longer feels like a liability.
And when JB seal the deal, the whole city cheers them on, which brings Brienne full circle, because she finally finds appreciation for herself, for who she is and how she is. She no longer has to hide away in the clouds. She has a home now, and she won’t be forced to leave again. And when they return to their cottage. Jaime is all kiss-y and how they should proceed to the bedchamber to consummate the marriage, but Brienne then notices that in their kitchen, three gigantic golden eggs lie, made of solid gold.
“I think that’s our wedding gift.”
“It appears so,” Brienne agrees. “We certainly won’t have to worry about the next harvest. The people will be glad to hear that.”
“You want to share?”
“We are the headsmen, so of course we will.”
“Ugh, we could keep some for ourselves.”
“What would you need that you don’t already have?”
“True enough,” Jaime agrees, kissing her. “I have all that I need, all that I want, and more. But now it is time that I answer the most immediate needs when it comes to my wife.”
They proceed to the bedchamber while the camera pulls out, we see the gigantic beanstalk, which they now use for other things as well. And the goose flies into the sunset.
The End.
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Golden Bitchslapper
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Joined: 11:53 PM - Oct 01, 2016

3:50 PM - Aug 26, 2018 #165

You are the best, Wacky!!!
I was once a Bath Steamer!

december13 aka me! on AO3

Joined: 5:08 PM - Sep 20, 2015

7:56 PM - Oct 12, 2018 #166

december13 wrote: You are the best, Wacky!!!
You are too kind, as usual, december.

Anyway, new day, new shreds. This one is a bit strange not just for matters of content but also context because Renee and I seemingly share a brain now because she sent me Cheshire Cat gifs just the day after I wrote about that character in the shred. While we talked about Cheshire Cat (a Wacky has many spirit animals) before, it was odd to see that it popped up right when I was writing those lines. Anyway, as can be guessed, it's time to shred Alice in Wonderland.
So… this is basically a bit of a mash-up of the movies as well as parts of the books (though I haven’t read them in greater detail than synopses) because, while bearing a hatred for Johnny Depp, the movies gave some “shipping material” in the form of the Hatter because he got more to do than e.g. the White Knight or the Red Knight from Through the Looking-Glass who only feature more or less briefly. I kind of liked the movie’s idea of a more adult Alice having to rediscover that world after she forgot all about it because it allows for having Brienne in there as an adult rather than as a kid, and it generally allows to merge the two books in the shredding, I believe. Anyway… this is how it shreds:
Once upon a time…
Brienne of Tarth is very much displeased with her life. Nothing goes in the direction she would have wanted it. She is expected to find herself a suitable match, being the only living daughter of her recently deceased father who was… I suppose… some Victorian-era-ish estate owner… However, the problem is that she is as ugly as a mare and whenever she was introduced to potential suitors, things just always went wrong (as per book canon). Her father privately let her have fencing lessons back in the day, though she was never supposed to make a show of it, a treaty she only broke once when it came to Humfrey Wagstaff.
Brienne was invited to a garden party where she is supposed to be introduced to new suitors, an event she was more or less dragged to by Septa Roelle, who has been super pushy ever since the thing with Wagstaff and with her father dead and the estate failing, you know, she wants to know Brienne being married off for that matter as fast as possible. She fears that word will get out about Brienne’s non-conformity to society and the incident with her former fiancé, which she fears would torpedo all of her chances to ever find a man.
The garden party is a disaster, to say the least (I am changing time order on that one for the sake of the shreddy plot), at least it is once Brienne realizes that the guys eager to ask her for a dance are actually doing so to challenge one another to dance with the ugly beast. Since no Renly is present for the purpose of the plot, Brienne simply makes a run for it and flees the scene, feeling utterly humiliated and like a failure, after all, he father would have wanted her to find someone to run the estate with or whatever.
She runs all the way to an old oak by a stream, sits down, not much caring for how that ruins her dress (she never looked good in it anyway, but the stupid septa insisted). She takes a pocket watch out of her pocket, she always carries it with her since she was a kid, but could never quite name the reason why she had such affinity for it, even more so because the watch is broken, stuck at 6 p.m., and with a mirror attached on the other side of the watch. Brienne looks at herself in the looking glass, feeling ever the more miserable as she calls to mind her septa’s words about how she will find the truth only there, that she is ugly and should not JB BANGTICIPATION for men to fall in love with her because of her looks as they all supposedly only ever have her dead father’s estate in mind.
“How much I wished to be on the other side of the looking glass,” Brienne ponders. “Maybe things would look much different there.”
A white plot bunny appears to get Brienne’s attention for a moment, which is why she does not see the sudden shining light coming out of the mirror that sucks her right into the mirror world.
Since it is spring time for the garden party, she now finds herself in sucky winter time. She can’t help but stare when her eyes catch the white rabbit again, just that this time, it wears vest and has a watch as well. However, when Brienne wants to talk to the fellow, he hops away. Brienne feels ever the more devastated, because the bunny seems afraid, and that just seems to be the thing with “beast” like her – people are either repulsed or scared.
Brienne carries on thereafter and seeks refuge in the nearby woods as the cold winds keep blowing. Once in there, she discovers that it’s pleasantly warm in there, so the poor woman won’t have to freeze to death.
She eventually meets a caterpillar smoking a hookah whose name may or may not be Bronn. The caterpillar is not at all forthcoming when Brienne asks for the way, instead only asks “Who the fook are you?” to which she replies “Brienne of Tarth.” The caterpillar’s demeanor changes for a moment there, but then catches himself to question whether she truly thinks that this is her name. She insists that, yes, that is her name, but he questions whether that is who she truly is. Brienne is baffled by that question, because she always used her full name as a badge of pride, but ever since her septa told her that men were only ever looking at her for matters of her name and her father’s estate, she no longer felt that sure about it anymore.
*identity crisis intensifies*
Brienne wants to lead away from the topic and instead questions the caterpillar about where she is and what this place is, but the caterpillar remains very vague about it. The only thing he will let her know is that she should seek out the Cheshire Cat because “he knows many ways leading nowhere and just as many that lead somewhere.” Before he lets her go, the caterpillar tells her that she could take a bite from the mushroom he sits on in order to become smaller (as she complained about being freakish tall), but only if she eats from the right side. For funsies, Brienne just goes like “I won’t just eat something I don’t know, are you mad?”
Brienne continues into the woods thereafter, hoping to find that ominous cat, just that the cat finds her. It’s actually a Chejaqen Cat, able to change faces at will, disappearing and reappearing out of nowhere. Brienne asks him whether he knows where she ought to go from where she is. The Chejaqen Cat says that it depends a good deal on where she wants to go to. Brienne says she doesn’t much care so long she gets somewhere, so the Cat tells her that she surely will if only she walks long enough.
Brienne grows increasingly frustrated with everyone’s secrecy, even more so because she continues to have the feeling that she knows those folks somehow, even more so because they seem to be familiar with her for some reason, but neither one will spill. Brienne follows the cat until they come to a crossroad. Chejaqen Cat then drops the line about how they are all a little mad here and that it doesn’t matter what path she takes, she’ll inevitably end up with another mad person. Brienne insists that she is not mad, the cat only ever laughs as the rest of his body disappears, leaving nothing like the grin, which has Brienne, like Alice, remark that she has often seen a cat without a grin but not a grin without a cat.
She takes the passage to the right, only to stumble into a mad, mad tea party. There is the March Hare, could be Thoros, but the narrator is indecisive regarding the matter. Then there is the Dormouse… it could be Pycelle if he weren’t such a massive dick because he used to fall asleep a lot… but I guess for the sake of having nicer characters, I will roll with Maester Aemon… the narrator is really indecisive, you may notice… and the March Hare is all over the place, asking nonsense questions and riddles. Brienne just doesn’t even know where to begin, even more so when the Hare acts like she’s only just left the tea party and finally returned.
“I was never here before,” she insists.
“But how would you know?” the Hare questions.
“Because I can’t remember.”
“But what if you forgot? As far as I am concerned, we can’t remember what we forgot, therefore you could have been here before as much as you could not have been here before.”
Brienne’s attention then falls on the Hatter sitting furthest away from the March Hare, boots on the table, slouched in his chair, the massive hat pulled over his face. Since he is the only one not taking part in the folly of chasing around and asking nonsense questions, Brienne hopes that he may finally give her some information or guidance. However, the Hatter proves to be quite a miserable pain in the ass, being totally dismissive of her, and telling her to go her ways, to go back home.
“But I don’t know how.”
“You probably knew once, so just go back to whence you came.”
“I was sucked in through a mirror, I don’t know how to cross back over it. When I tried, nothing happened.”
“Then evidently, you are not trying hard enough,” the Hatter tells her.
“Or you could stay and have some tea with us!” the Hare points out.
“It’d seem to me that the lady wants to be on her way,” the Hatter argues.
“But it’s tea time!”
“It’s always tea time!”
“Why is that?” Brienne questions, but the Hatter won’t answer, so the Dormouse speaks up to recount it: “It’s because of the Queen of Hearts (was tempted to write Queen of Farts, very tempted, but resisted). She sentenced the Hatter to death for murdering the time, but barely escaped decapitation after he got some unexpected help. In retaliation, he, the time, halts when it comes to our dear Hatter, keeping him stuck at tea time forever.”
“The Queen of Hearts?” Brienne repeats. “Why would she do such a cruel thing? And how would you murder time anyway?”
“She was fed up with the songs I had to sing because they were not of praise for the Queen of Hearts,” the Hatter mutters. “But that’s over now.”
“Oh, such things are never quite over. Quite on the contrary, or else we would have dinner at last,” the Hare argues.
“You like tea best anyway.”
“Actually, I much prefer ale.”
“Then have ale?”
“But at tea time?”
The Hatter tosses cake across the table to make the Hare stop talking.
“You should be on your way, lady. Nothing much to see here,” the Hatter tells Brienne, then. “And we are about to go through the same motions over again. I can’t imagine that you fancy seeing that. As far as I am concerned, one can grow sick of it quite easily.”
“But I don’t know how!” Brienne insists.
“You know, you could be nicer to our guest,” the Hare argues.
“I could, but I refuse,” the Hatter argues, looking back at the woman. “You should just go back from whence you came. It’d seem to me that you’d have best chances going from there.”
“But there was no way for me to get back.”
“Just walk back and you will be fine, trust me.”
“Why would I trust you?” Brienne scoffs. The Hatter seems caught off-guard for a moment, which is why the quip dies on his tongue, giving Brienne opportunity to go on with her rant:
“Well, it’s as the cat said,” she snaps. “You are all mad here.”
“Oh, fuck that cat!” the Hatter exclaims. “He’s the one talking.”
“Fight your quarrels on your own, then,” Brienne says at last. “If you don’t want to help me, I will have to find my way back home on my own. Good day to you.”
With that, Brienne walks off, roughly in the direction the Hatter pointed to. When she is gone at a safe distance, the Hatter lifts his hat to reveal that it is, yup, Jaime. The Dormouse looks at him almost sadly, “And you are still sure it’s best to leave her unaware?”
“It is the way it is, with time, he let her move forward while keeping me in place,” Jaime says. “That just is the way of things on this side of the mirror. Names can be changed, but not things.”
“But you truly think she can find her way back?” the Dormouse questions.
“She did once,” Jaime recounts. “I don’t see why she shouldn’t again.”
“Because she seems to have forgotten all about us and about our ways on this side of the mirror.”
“Which is why I told her to go back. That is where she went to in order to disappear last time. She’ll be fine. She knows how to defend herself. I should know.”
“But can you be that sure?” the Dormouse asks, but then dozes off.
Jaime opens his mouth to mumble some other complaint, but then notices the lack of madness around him, signaling that the Hare is gone. Jaime gets to his feet to go looking for the guy, only to find him somewhere close by, waving with a tissue in hand, even though no one is there to see him.
“What’s gotten into you, cranky cottontail?” Jaime questions.
“Oh, I just bid our guest farewell.”
“But she went off the other way,” Jaime argues.
“Oh, yes, I know. I told her that this was the way forward to get to some place she has not been to before.”
“You told her what?” Jaime gapes.
“What’s it to you?”
“What’s it to me? Oh, I don’t know, the Queen of Hearts taking her, perchance? I shall be damned. You all shall be damned.”
“Well, you could always go and try to fetch her.”
“And once it’s past tea time, I will be back to here,” Jaime laments. “Forever and always.”
The Hare just gives a shrug before walking off again, telling him that he remembers him to be braver than he seems to be now.
“Though perchance you forgot about that, too.”
Jaime grimaces, but then decides to follow the path the Hare pointed to. Because he can’t have Brienne run into the Queen of Hearts.
Brienne, saddened at the lack of support and weary of this most ominous place, continues her quest through odd locations, hoping that at last, the mirror will let her back, but no such luck. Though as she goes, a part of her keeps wondering about the Hare and the Hatter said. It almost sounded like they truly knew her, but then acted as though she was a stranger.
“It is all a paradox in this, and how am I supposed to solve it?” Brienne laments.
She enters a garden where she comes upon three living cards eagerly painting all the white roses in the garden red. When Brienne asks them for directions, they tell her that they are busy and must get it done before the Queen of Hearts catches the white roses, because she hates white roses with a burning passion. They seem very afraid of the Queen of Hearts, which only ever affirms Brienne that she wants no business with that lady.
However, she sees the white rabbit again, which is why Brienne chases after the rabbit in the hope that he can take her back or at least tell her what way to go. She enters a maze within the garden, but the rabbit keeps hopping away before she can ever reach the thing, even though she keeps calling out to the animal to please stop because she has a question.
Rabbits, very much like plot bunnies, can be cute but also kind of assholes.
Brienne keeps running through the maze, only to keep getting lost when she abandons the rabbit hunt to continue on her own. However, now it seems she can’t get out, which is why she continues walking through the maze without a sense of direction. She hears voices close by – and then spots the rabbit again. Brienne means to lunge at the thing as it has its back to her, but that is when she is pulled backwards and into the brushes behind her to come out on the other side.
It turns out the Hatter is the one pulling her back, covering her mouth with his hand to keep her from shouting. Brienne struggles against him to get him off of her, but to her shock he is almost strong enough to keep her down, lol. Brienne manages to turn the tide eventually, but just as she is about to make a run for it, she can see a procession walking on the other side, fanfares blowing to announce that the Queen of Hearts is meaning to take a look at her wonderful red roses. At last Brienne gets the hint that the Hatter meant to save her from running into the Queen.
“I know a way out of this maze. Follow me. And be quiet,” the Hatter warns her. Brienne follows his orders this time, reckoning that she doesn’t have much of a choice. They reach a place to stay for a moment.
“What is all this?” Brienne demands to know.
“It would take too long to explain.”
“Try me. You know me somehow. You came after me because you knew the Queen is dangerous, and now you still won’t tell me much of anything,” Brienne retorts. “If you want me to be gone, give me the means for it and I shall bother you no more, Sir, but I can’t find my way back home and frankly, hiding away in a maze forever won’t do much to change that.”
“We have to be quick about it because I am running out of time,” the Hatter answers. “Once the hour strikes, I will be back to the tea party, whether I want to or not. But the procession I headed in the direction we need to go.”
He reaches into his pocket to take out a piece of cake which he hands over to Brienne.
“Once you get to where I tell you, you will eat it. It will shrink you in size.”
Brienne shakes her head. “I don’t need to be shrunk to the right size.”
“You won’t fit through there, now don’t be that stubborn. I don’t have the time for that, wench,” he grunts.
“Wench?!” she exclaims. “Don’t call me that!”
“Apologies,” he huffs. “Now, if you follow down this path till the end, then turn right, then turn left, then right, right, right, then five steps down that way, turn around to the left and you will get to a place where you can sneak through the brushes. The roots are not as thick there, so you should be able to slip through, granted that you eat the damned cake once you get there. Did you understand that? Straight ahead this way, then right, left, right, right, right. Five steps, turn left, eat the cake, and then sneak through. Now, put that cake away in your left pocket.”
Brienne does so wordlessly, still very much confused about what is happening right now. She stares when the Hatter takes out another piece of cake, which he hands over to her. “Now, this you eat once you are out of the maze so you are your usual size again. Otherwise getting back will take you forever. Left makes you shrink. Right makes you grow. Got that?”
“Yes,” Brienne confirms, stuffing the cake in her right pocket.  “And where do I go from there?”
“Just back, to the tea party, to where you came from, just stay away from the castle. It means no good.”
“Why are you helping me now?” Brienne asks.
“Because Hatters always pay their debts,” he says, only for the hour to come and Brienne watches in shock as the Hatter disappears before her eyes. To her shock, the feeling seems strangely familiar to her, though Brienne can’t really put it. She is pulled out of her thoughts when she hears the people from the procession again. Brienne rushes ahead, rightfully recounting the steps Jaime told her, but oh no! There are a bunch of cards painting the damned roses red. Brienne has no choice but to retrace her steps and try to get to the outer rim another way. Thankfully, she finds her way, but just as she is about to take a bite from the shrink cake, the white rabbit appears, calling her by her name.
“You know me?” she asks.
“You are running out of time again, Brienne,” the rabbit warns her. “The Queen is on the way. You must not encounter her or else all battles will be lost a second time.”
“A second time,” Brienne repeats, but that is when the cards find her and tell her to come with them. Brienne tries to escape anyway, but they manage to hold her back. Brienne struggles as she is brought before the Queen who turns out to be Cersei. I wanted to run with Dany first because… beheading… and stupid… but Cersei, as she does so often, makes most sense to connect to Jaime, so here we are. Anyway. The Queen of Farts, I mean Queen of Hearts, sipping wine, dressed in all red, is irritated by Brienne who winded up in a pale blue dress, and ew, that is not red. And ew, she be ugly.
“Off with her ugly head, I say! Off with her ugly head!”
“You can’t just behead me for being ugly!” Brienne insists. “I did no wrong that should bear such consequence!”
The Queen looks at her with growing irritation. “Isn’t it that I know you?”
Brienne chews on her lower lip. She knows she has to be careful with her words now. Eventually she says, “If you can’t remember, it’d seem that you forgot all about me. But who remembers that which is forgotten? I would not mean to say of myself that I know what the Queen knows or doesn’t know.”
Cersei is pleased for the moment and demands of Brienne to come with her to her castle. Brienne is very hesitant about the matter because the Hatter warned her about the Queen, but it’s not like she has much of a choice, is it?
Normally, a game of good old flamingo hedgehog croquet would be in place, but Cersei never does anything besides drinking wine and watching people be harmed, so instead, she orders for an impromptu tournament, a joust, where the contestants shall ride on flamingos and their lances shall be something equally nonsensical I can’t think of right now. She tells Brienne to join because she looks like she could compete against her *new* Knave of Hearts, who turns out to be Frankengregor.
“And what of the King?” Brienne asks. “Does he approve of that?”
“Oh, he is dead. Inconveniently fell on a boar,” Cersei says, sipping red, red wine. *cue for music*
“… I am sorry to hear that, I suppose,” Brienne says with a grimace as she watches the big, big Knave approach. And now the travesty continues whereby she is supposed to joust against the guy whilst riding a friggin’ flamingo.
Brienne wrecks her brain about how to get out of this situation, but then feels reminded about her septa telling her how useless and dumb she is, so she has self-doubt and already fears that this will be her end. Just as the lances are about to meet, the Chejaqen Cat appears and irritates the Knave so much that he falls off and crashes to the ground, thereby breaks his lance and Brienne is declared victor according to rules no one bothered to explain.
Nevertheless, the Queen demands that the Chejaqen Cat be beheaded for interfering with the Queen’s tournament. The executioner, Ser Ilyn, is summoned instantly, but the Chejaqen Cat points out to them the struggle the “poor executioner” is in because “it is frankly impossible to cut off my head because that is all there is to see of me.”
The Queen is enraged and orders for the cat’s owner to be found. When asked, the cat only ever says that he belongs to the Many-Faced God. Cersei orders for that guy to be summoned anyway, even when the cat tells her that he is a god and thus cannot be really found. Until then, he is supposed to be put in prison. Brienne wants to speak on his behalf, but the Chejaqen Cat assures her that it’s fine because no prison ever held him for long.
The cat is led away, leaving Brienne as the victor of this strange game, against the odds of the rule violations, because of some extra clause that says so. Brienne thus is suddenly supposed to be declared Knave of Hearts as well, but they can’t do that so long the old Knave is still around. Brienne insists that she does not want that position. Cersei tells her that she has no choice regarding the matter and that on the next day, she shall duel the Knave a second time to see who is best suited to protect the Queen.
Brienne tells her that she doesn’t want to be a part of her Queensguard, which greatly enrages the Queen. She orders for Brienne to be brought to a prison cell until she sees sense again. Brienne is dragged away by the card soldiers and put in a prison cell. The cat keeps true to his word, easily breaking out of his cellar once all are fast asleep in the castle. The cat sneaks into Brienne cellar, asking some philosophical question again sounding smart and that relates to Brienne having to ask him the question of who she is.
We cut to the tea party where Jaime is nervously pacing up and down, waiting for Brienne to come at last. She should have made it there by now, but nothing. The Hare tells him that maybe she disappeared again, but Jaime is not convinced. The Dormouse wakes up from his slumber to continue with his speech right where he left off, though completely out of context. Jaime says he is heading back out again, but the Dormouse tells him that he should go back to the castle better prepared. Jaime gets the indication and heads into his little house to retrieve something super secretive. Then he rushes off.
“You think he will make it this time?” the Hare asks, but the Dormouse is already fast asleep.
“More tea for me then. Man, do I want ale, though.”
Back in the cellar, the cat thus lets Brienne in on the big secret.
“You forgot all about us, but we used to be familiar.”
“When was I here?”
“You were younger by that time, but just as brave, if not braver,” the cat recounts. “The Hare and the Dormouse were your friends, just like the White Rabbit.”
“And what of the Hatter?”
“Oh, the Hatter you held most dear of all.”
“He does not act like that at all.”
“The things we do for love are often very different from the things we do because of love,” the cat tells her. “One tastes sweet while the other is very, very bitter.”
“Love…,” Brienne mutters. Because she can’t imagine that a) the Hatter is supposed to have loved her or that she loved him, and b) that someone would love her in the first place, other than her father, considering what her septa indoctrinated her with ever since he passed.
“You changed his heart and that is what set him free. You and his friends did it. It was madness to be sure, but you did not so much mind back then. It seems to come with age,” the cat recounts.
“I set  him free?”
“Yes, from here, from the Queen. He was under her spell, and you made him sing a different song.”
“But because he sang that song, time made him be stuck at tea time forever.”
“The things we do for love.”
“I thought those are supposed to taste sweet.”
“Then it was the other, I suppose.”
“But I don’t remember any of this. I don’t know when I got here and how. I don’t recall.”
“That is because you forgot all about the girl you used to be in here,” the cat tells her. “You didn’t forget us, you forgot yourself. And only you can remember you, because no one knows you the way you know you.”
I am trying to sound confusing, that’s all. And I am confusing myself.
Brienne is shocked when the Chejaqen Cat exits the cellar and tells her that he must leave now. He says he won’t and can’t help release her, she has to do it herself.
“You simply have to remember that which you forgot.”
“But that is impossible.”
“It’s not if you are mad enough to believe that it’s possible.”
Brienne closes her eyes, all the while fiddling with her pocket watch. And that is when it occurs to her at last. Once she lets all confusion aside, she starts to remember those places, the people, the animals. She was a teenage girl by the time (so 18, I don’t want to have her as a kid coz Jaime ain’t falling in love with a kid, okay?), shortly after the fiasco with Humfrey Wagstaff. She fled, just like she did now, and then she followed a rabbit, the white rabbit, down a hole and ended up in…
However, she can’t remember the Hatter at first. She remembers the tea party, and how she got bored of it and wandered off until she came to the garden as well, saw the roses, then got lost in the maze. She then met the Knave of Hearts that was there before the one she jousted against, a handsome man who made her all blushels and feels at first, but then he meant to take her as a prisoner, and Brienne and he started to fight with a self-made sword she made from gods know what. She beat the Knave and that seemingly broke a curse so that the man realized that his actual name was Jaime and that the Queen had made him her loyal knight only just so she could continue however she pleased, even though they were twins, even though he should, by rights, be as much worth as the King of Hearts. Young Brienne then told him to come with her, but he refused, telling her that he had to face her. Brienne reluctantly walked off when he said so, but stayed around to see him face the Queen. He openly accused her of putting him under a spell, which is forbidden according to the rules. Cersei said she knew nothing of that and instead demanded that he take up his duties again. He then told her that he was fed up with how she treated people and that cutting off people’s heads was not a very democratic solution lol. Cersei got enraged over that and demanded for him to be beheaded, but that was when the Hare and the Dormouse came to the rescue and sang a song to distract her so Jaime could escape. As punishment, the Queen had time curse Jaime forever, so he may never have a future without her, aka which is why he is stuck at tea time ever since that day. She sent out for him to be found and returned to her, but the Hare and the Dormouse alongside with Brienne thought better of it, stripped him of his armor *mhmmmm* and gave him a new identity as the Hatter.
When the Queen’s cards passed through the woods to find their tea party, they could not recognize the Hatter and all were happy for a time as that meant they could be forever, if only at tea time. Brienne and Jaime spent countless hours fighting and laughing all the same, but then there came the point in time when Brienne wondered about her father and remembered how ill he was. That was when Jaime made the choice to send her back home because he didn’t want her to be stuck in the here and now and have a future instead. Jaime brought her back to where she began, in the land of Winter, and then told her to look through the looking glass in his watch and tell him what she saw. He knew of her fear of looking glasses ever since the stupid septa told her how ugly she is and how that is the one truth she ought to remember. Brienne wanted to refuse at first, but he gave her the watch and urged her to tell him what she saw.
“I see me,” was the answer. “Just me.”
“And that is all that matters,” Jaime then told her. “And that is all you have to remember.”
Jaime kissed her out of the blue, then, but that was when she got sucked back into the real world and was found by her septa who was all angry at her for the Wagstaff debacle.
Brienne put the watch away out of instinct, only later wondering how comes she has a watch with a looking glass and a clock that is stuck at tea time, for a moment thinking about whether she just dreamed of that handsome man kissing her, but when the septa told her that her father had fainted, Brienne quickly put it all aside and has since pushed that so far back that she completely forgot about Wonderland and Jaime.
When Brienne opens her eyes again, she is surprised to see the cat still waiting for her.
“So have you remembered what you forgot?”
“Yes,” she answers. “But I shall not forget it again.”
She reaches into her pocket to take out the shrink cake (she used those a number of times when she was there for the first time, as she recalls now) to slip through the bars and get outside. She then eats the other cake to grow again so she can move faster. To her great shock, they run into Jaime who comes disguised as the Knave of Hearts, though she instantly recognizes him this time.
“She remembers the forgotten now, good ser,” the Chejaquen Cat chimes, only to disappear before saying a single word more.
“I think we should talk about that later,” Brienne says, though her heart is pounding with all of the feels. Jaime agrees and the two try to make out of the prison and back into the woods. They make it all the way to the part of the maze of which Jaime told her, all the while arguing as per usual:
“You could have told me, you know?”
“You were supposed to go back!”
“And I could not have made that choice if you had just told me?”
“I am irresistible.”
“That is yet to be tested,” Brienne scoffs. As they reach the spot, she hands Jaime one half of the cake that’s meant to shrink so both can slip through. Just as they are about to take a bite, they are found by a bunch of cards. Jaime wants to fight them and urges Brienne to go, but the stubborn, brave thing she is, she refuses and joins the fight, but all are interrupted when the Queen of Hearts appears and recognizes Jaime. She demands that he be put to OYEZ OYEZ OYEZ, ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE DAVOS SEAWORTH, NOW THE JUDGING JUDGER WHO JUDGES at last for his wrongdoings towards the Queen and rules that Brienne will be witness.
Jaime tries to console her that it’s going to be fine, because he will be back by the tea party, but the Queen announces that since the tourney is meant to take place tomorrow, she cannot JB BANGTICIPATION for sunrise, which is why there is no way for Jaime to teleport away.
The two are dragged to a midnight OYEZ OYEZ OYEZ, ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE DAVOS SEAWORTH, NOW THE JUDGING JUDGER WHO JUDGES. The Queen just wants Jaime to plead guilty that he did not only defy his Queen but also falsely passed himself off as a Hatter even though he never made a single hat. The Hare and Dormouse are also gathered to testify against Jaime. Jaime ponders whether to just plead guilty, but Brienne tells him that this would be “craven” so he should better think of something. Jaime smiles at her and then starts to drive everyone near crazy by constantly answering with counter questions, remaining awfully vague, and generally confusing everyone, including the Queen of Wine but not of Tits.
Brienne is called up as a witness last. She has no intentions of incriminating Jaime, which is why she turns tables by stating that if she means to charge Jaime for assuming a new identity, she should have to suffer the same destiny as she passed herself off as not his sister, even though that is who she was and that is who she is.
“So unless the Queen is willing to carry out the proceedings with regards to her own case a well, it would be unjust to let such charge rule against him.”
Cersei, in an effort not to be dethroned, says that those charges will be dropped, but that this still does not erase him singing such naughty songs about her that accused her, which is forbidden according to the rules. Brienne then argues that the man she knew as the Knave of Hearts is no more and that this is “Jaime, just Jaime, known as the Hatter though he never made a single hat.”
“But that makes no sense,” the Queen insists.
“And it doesn’t have to,” Brienne argues. “So long we are all a little mad in here.”
The Queen is furious and fears that she cannot keep pushing her claims. She thus redirects the attention to the circumstance that there are three Knaves of Heart now and that such a situation is inacceptable. A tourney shall leave only just one standing, who will then be the Knave of Hearts forever.
Brienne and Jaime are shocked, because that means that they would have to fight one another if only to get one of them free. When the Hare points out to her that Jaime won’t last until day time without returning to the tea party, she has time summoned who lifts the curse “for the time being.” Jaime and Brienne are brought back to the prison, but since it’s all filled up now with the Hare and the White Rabbit and the Dormouse, JB are granted to share a cellar. For plot purposes. The two thus finally have to have a heart to heart conversation about their past and what to do with their future now. Jaime instantly tells her that she ought to fight the best she can and not hold back against him.
“But you will?”
“I want you to have a future, Brienne. That was always my wish.”
“Why don’t you want to have a future, though?”
“Because you are my future, it’s just that simple,” he tells her. “You have been the one who ever gave it to me when you lifted the curse. And for that, I owe you till my last day.”
“But I don’t want to have a future without you.”
“You hardly know me.”
“I remember you, I do now,” Brienne recounts. “Nothing much awaits me in the real world. My father is dead. The septa hates me. The people mock me. I don’t fit in… I am too mad.”
“They are just mad and don’t want to admit it.”
“I don’t want to go back there.”
“But it’s safer for you there.”
“But there is nothing in that life worth protection.”
“It has you in it, so of course there is.”
“If you wanted me to forget, then why did you give me the watch?” Brienne then asks, and Jaime, sheepishly, has to admit that maybe he didn’t want her to entirely forget about him after all. Brienne tells him that from now on she should get to decide on what she wishes to remember or forget. Jaime eventually gives in, and admits that a part of him is glad that she came back, even though the other part of him is scared for her wellbeing.
Brienne, for matters of the plot, asks him about his backstory because she can’t remember much of that despite her best efforts. Jaime explains that his earliest memory is of being the Knave by his sister’s side and that she always made him sweet promises of how they would be together once the King was out of the way (yuck). Just that when he was out of the way, she didn’t make him her King, instead she kept him as her Knave and demanded that he does her bidding. She became more and more cruel to the point that she wanted beheadings on a regular basis (almost as often as wine refills, but there aren’t possibly more executions than wine refills for that woman, that much is for sure). Jaime lost faith in her and what they had then. However, there was no way of getting out because, you know, he was part of the game.
Brienne starts to question something she didn’t do when she was first in Wonderland – namely whether it’s possible that Jaime, too, exists in the real world and just forgot all about it thanks to the Queen’s spell and influence. She tells him the same that the Chejaqen Cat encouraged her to do, to close her eyes and try to remember that which is forgotten. Jaime tries it and after some time, he sees blurry images of his childhood and teenage years, then of his times as a young adult and Cersei telling him about dreaming away with him because she hates all about how life is meant to look like – and Jaime joining, only to wake up in Wonderland.
“Tyrion,” he gasps when he opens his eyes. “My little brother… I had a little brother. His name was Tyrion… how did I forget all about him?”
“The same way I forgot about you, I suppose,” Brienne tells him. “But you know what that means, right?”
“You now also have something to hold on to beyond the tea time. To see your brother again,” she explains.
“You are aware that I am on OYEZ OYEZ OYEZ, ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE DAVOS SEAWORTH, NOW THE JUDGING JUDGER WHO JUDGES as well? You can bet that I would rather die than serve the Queen of Hearts for the rest of my days. I won’t be her Knave, that much is for sure.”
“I still wonder how comes she has not figured out yet who you are. I think she saw you before I went up to tell her what I truly thought of her,” Jaime huffs. “She normally never forgets a single slight against her.”
“Sometimes it seems to pay off to be as ugly as a mare. Then people don’t bother looking at you for too long.”
“I can’t say so,” Jaime argues, offering a soft smile. “I know I looked at you for a long time.”
“Do you know what I still wonder about?”
“How is it possible that you made no single hat in all that time?”
Jaime laughs, leaning his head back. “I don’t know why you ever saw a hatter in me. I didn’t even wear a hat back when we first met.”
“We had to think fast, as far as I remember. I found the hat in the Hare’s house and thought it might be put to good use that way. And anyway, in Wonderland, things are supposed to be paradoxical, no? A knave as a hatter though he cannot make hats? I find that quite fitting for a world like this.”
“True again,” he agrees. “Though maybe I will have to learn how to make hats after this. Because past tomorrow, she surely won’t want to see me as her knave ever again. Who knows, maybe I can finally repay the debt and make you an equally terrible hat that I had to wear since.”
“I only found it fair,” Brienne recounts. “That made me feel a little less inadequate around you.”
“How is that?” Jaime asks.
“I said too much,” Brienne argues.
“No, now I need to know.”
“Well, I look how I look, and I didn’t look prettier during that time either. You on the other hand… you were always quite… handsome? And with that hat, you looked… a bit more ridiculous like me, that’s what I learned to like about it.”
“There is nothing ridiculous about you safe for the fact that you always seem to run into trouble because of your own stubborn bravery.”
“Anyway, that’s why I liked the hat.”
“It’s odd to me that in all this time, you didn’t manage to change your mind about that whole matter of the looks.”
“It’s what everyone keeps talking about when it comes to me. Ever since I came back. You know how I returned to Wonderland? I ran away after I was mocked at a garden party and the possible suitors only ever danced with me to ridicule me. Septa Roelle’s shame was without limits, and so was mine.”
“From the sound of it, they all deserve a slap.”
Yes, Jaime, they do. They do.
“Not just one if I was asked, but I am not, at least not regarding those matters,” Brienne sighs. “Though looking at the situation just now, I may have an upside to that at last: I may not have to worry about that anymore. Then truly, my looks won’t matter in the end, and isn’t that oh too sweet?”
“I call it rather bitter.”
“Bitter sweet, then.”
Just like it seems to be with love.
“I missed you, Brienne.”
“It’d be a lie to say that I missed you as well because I lost my recollections of Wonderland, but… I don’t want to lose you ever again.”
“Neither do I want to lose you.”
The two eventually doze off, resting against each other almost within kissing range, but we are keeping this vanilla for now.
Anyway, next day, JB are led into the arena where the battle of the knaves is meant to be settled. Both are very unsure about what to do because only one will leave the arena, Cersei will see to that. Jaime, as an act of defiance, actually fights with the stupid hat on, arguing that he has since been the Hatter, and that won’t change ever again.
JB team up to take out Frankengregor and take him down. Fight scenes of extravaganza Wacky don’t write. However, that leaves the two to compete about who gets to live and die, even though living means becoming the knave for Cersei, which may be a destiny worse than death *ahem.*
As they cross blades to put up more of a show, Jaime tells her again that she should just do it and get over with it because he meant it when he said that she is his future no matter what. Brienne obviously can’t do that. Cersei keeps screaming for someone to finally get his or head chopped off. Panic. Excitement. OMG. DRAMA.
Brienne eventually makes the choice to do what she is not fond doing – making up bullshit – but for the sake of it, she’ll do it. She drops her weapon and faces Cersei, stating that she could never possibly be a Queen of Hearts because she is no native of Wonderland. There goes an uproar through the crowd. Apparently, she had everyone believe that she was born there to strengthen her claim to the throne.
“How could she be your Queen? How could we two be your loyal Knave? We aren’t even from here.”
“Nonsense, she is telling you nonsense!” Cersei insists. “Off with her head! Off with her head! I will keep him, but you get rid of her for speaking so ill of the Queen!”
Anyway, Brienne manages to get through with the nonsense to raise doubt against Cersei and her validation as the Queen by applying Wonderland logic, or rather the lack thereof – and sets it finally into stone by sneaking a bit of cake into her wine which shrinks her. Brienne then recounts a rule stating that a Queen must at least be that tall to be Queen and the others readily agree that a woman that small could not possibly rule.
“After all, she can’t wear the crown like that. And what’s a Queen without her crown?”
Cersei wants to explode in anger and demands of Brienne and Jaime to turn her back. Brienne picks up tiny Cersei and tells her that she will do no such thing because that is what she truly is, small.
“If you want to be tall again, all you have to do is awaken,” Brienne then says, taking out the watch with the mirror. “You can go back from whence you came and you will no longer be this short, I can guarantee it.”
Cersei eventually begrudgingly agrees. She never spent time outside the castle because she thought it was all filthy, which is why she does not know about the size-changing food and drink out there, whereas Brienne, a woman brave enough to go out there, has the clear advantage in the game. Cersei goes on cursing, but then looks at the mirror and is sucked in. Everyone cheers because yay, the witch is dead I mean the monarchy is overthrown. Jaime and Brienne are celebrated in a mad party and the two just let themselves be carried away by the mood. Jaime realizes only minutes thereafter that it’s no longer tea time and he was not sent back to the table in the woods. He happily embraces Brienne, awkward moment of longing ensues. The caterpillar, now turned butterfly, says in the background that they should just fook already, but then says he will see about the castle because he always wanted to have one.
However, as happy as they are that they are now free in Wonderland, the two have to realize that they can’t have their forever in Wonderland because they have lives out there. Jaime has Tyrion to take care of and he has to face Cersei in real life. Yet, anxiety is great about that step being taken because Jaime doesn’t know what year he went to sleep, so it may be years until he’d even have so much as a chance as to go looking for Brienne in the real world.
To his great surprise, it is Brienne who states that she has confidence.
“I trust you to find me.”
“But how?” Jaime questions. “We reckon that I came here before you did, but there is no sure way to tell with Wonderland. Everything is a paradox. It may well be that you were there before me in the actual world. How would I find you then?”
“You just keep walking until you come somewhere. And I will do the same,” Brienne explains. “And if you happen to be first: look for a garden party in the year of I DON’T KNOW AND I AM TOO LAZY TO LOOK IT UP AND MAKE IT FIT WITH VICTORIAN AGE, SUE ME. April 5, at Wickenden, a house belonging to Lady Waxley. Just about tea time.”
“I don’t even know my last name, you see.”
“But you know you have a brother and a sister. The rest will figure in due time, I am quite sure.”
“What makes you so confident?” Jaime asks, quite happy to see that restored after Brienne was so beaten down thanks to what happened at the garden party.
“If we can overpower a Queen in this kind of madness… I tend to think that the madness in the real world is tiny by comparison.”
There is a mad if tearful goodbye from the Hare and the Dormouse, though the hare is just glad to finally be able to quit tea and have more ale. There is some more joking about Jaime being shit for a hatter before they go. They don’t realize that the Chejaqen Cat watches on as they pass through the woods hand-in-hand, remarking that even the bitter can taste sweet at times. They eventually reach the spot from whence they came.
Brienne takes out the watch, only now noting that it is working again and does no longer jump back to tea time. They vow to find each other. Jaime tells Brienne to look at the looking glass another time and tell him what she sees. Brienne scoffs at him that she already knows his advice on that one, but he insists that she does it, so Brienne does and says that she sees herself.
“And that is all that counts,” he repeats as before. “And that is the woman I fell in love with.”
Passionate kiss this time (was more of a chaste kiss last time). They are then sucked in through the mirror.
Brienne wakes up by the creek, her dress still a mess. She lets a sigh. This time she remembers what happened in Wonderland, but is saddened for a moment when Jaime doesn’t instantly jump out. One can hope, after all. Instead, her septa finds her. Obviously, she is totally pissed and wants to tell Brienne that she does best swallowing it and not letting it show because they still want to make a suitable match. Brienne finally stands up for herself and says that if they treat her like that, they are certainly not good enough for her. Roelle freaks out because she is ugly and should be lucky to get just about anyone of rank. Brienne says that she is done with that and that her father would not have wanted that for her.
“If they can’t love me the way I am, then they are not good enough for me. Father would have wanted me to be happy. And like that I won’t ever be,” Brienne tells her, walking ahead with her head held high. Back at the garden party, she stands her ground as well, telling the mocking potential suitors when asked that she can’t seem to recall what happened because “I forget such nonsense right away. And you can’t remember that which you forgot unless you wish for it. And I do not wish for it at all.”
Brienne leaves the party, telling Roelle that if she were to drag her to another of those parties, she would never come in such frilly dresses again and instead show up the way she walks around most of her time. The septa is short before losing her shit, but Brienne now knows that none of them are good enough for her because a) none compare to Jaime, and b) if she can’t be herself with a man, what’s the point?
They return to the small inn where they made camp for their stay at Wickenden. The septa is fussing around the room and busies herself with packing up. Brienne leaves her to her “useless madness” and instead goes into the common hall. Brienne reckons that she has to start recognizing who she is if she wants others to recognize that and appreciate it about her. Since it’s quite busy (they also serve drinks there as well as the reception desk), Brienne chooses a spot that is a little more secluded in one of the corners. She observes as a short man comes inside. He motions to the reception and confidently grabs a stool to climb on top to speak to the receptionist.
“Good evening, sir, I would like to rent a room for two people,” he says. “If you are already booked, we can also take one, so long it has two beds. I know I look like I can fit into a wooden chest, but I would rather have one of my own. My brother is in a terrible mood.”
“We have two rooms.”
“Splendid, then we take those!” the man says.
“Under what name?”
“Tyrion Lannister,” the short man answers. “Oh, and just to be sure. Once my brother comes in here… don’t mind him. He has been in a terrible mood ever since we missed our ferry which made him miss a very important appointment in turn. He is not pleased at all, but it seems we cannot continue our search that late in the evening. So… just ignore him.”
“Will do, it’s the same to me.”
Brienne perks her ears at the sound of “Tyrion,” after all, that’s not the most common name. She reckons that it’s too much wishful thinking, but then the door opens and a guy with a tophat comes inside, looking straight-up pissed.
“Brother, I just booked us two rooms. That means I can indulge in my own activities for the night while you can go after your own, which is moping, I’d suppose,” the short man says, looking over two a bunch of giggling girls he seemingly wants to sure to get to know a whole lot better.
“I’d much rather see another time about whether I can convince that stubborn lady to tell me to where her guest went. One should think that it’s not asked too much to get a bit of advice.”
“We can just get up early and ask around in the morning.”
“What if they left already, though?”
“Then we are not going to change much of anything by looking through the night. Listen to reason, Jaime.”
Brienne stares as the man takes his hat off and thereby confirms that, yes, it’s *her* Jaime. She stands up abruptly and motions over to him. Jaime starts to rummage through his pocket.
“What time is it?” he mutters. Maybe he can go through town another time. At some point he almost misses the time where he jumped back to tea time, because that means he would be on time at last.
He frowns when suddenly a watch moves into his vision. Jaime looks up to see Brienne standing there. “Do you need the time?”
“… I’d much rather take the time,” he answers.
“Good evening to you,” Tyrion greets. “I don’t know if it’s safe for you to approach my brother, he was in quite a terrible mood.”
“I am no longer.”
“Since when?”
“Since right now,” Jaime answers, only ever ogling at Brienne. “That’s her.”
“That is… oh goodness, it appears that us being not on time resulted in us being right on time. Quite a paradox.”
“That’s how it’s always with us,” Jaime laughs.
The two keep making hearteyes at one another, glad to finally be reunited. Jaime introduces her to Tyrion.
It turns out that when he woke up, he found himself next to Cersei who had also woken back up at just that time. They had gone to sleep and dreamed away when their father pushed for them to be separated because they were too close in his opinion *yes they weeeeere* - and Cersei had Jaime basically swear himself to her and that he would take up a job at the capitol instead of the family business only just to be around her even if she should marry Robert. Cersei went to Wonderland, dissatisfied with her life, and figured out that she could be a queen in there, so when she woke back up, she convinced Jaime to join her so they could be eternally together and all of that shit. Jaime was like “sure” and went with that, but then realized that she was running the country all wrong. By that time it was already too late though and she put him under that spell to make him her willing servant. Brienne broke him out of that. Ever since they woke up, he has stood true to their promise, broke up with Cersei for good, stayed at the Rock for a while, but then ditched the family business when he was fed up with Tywin’s treatment of Tyrion. Cersei, who wanted to stay in Wonderland forever to live the life she always wanted with everyone beneath her, is now dissatisfied in her marriage with Robert and has since been an ass to both her brothers. As a result of Jaime’s disobedience, Tywin disowned him, safe for the trust fund that was both Tyrion’s and Jaime’s by law, which is still… good enough to make a life with… Jaime and Tyrion have been travelling around since, basically. Jaime explains the whole mess with missing the ferry and how he wanted to be there for the tea party.
“If I were still where I used to, I would have been just on time.”
“Well, this is not Wonderland.”
“No, it is certainly not.”
Brienne makes comments about his tophat, and Jaime explains that he has since considered opening up a hatter’s shop.
“It’s something I apparently always dreamed about.”
They are interrupted by Roelle who wants to curse at Brienne again, only to see that she is talking to this handsome young man. Jaime acts up his part perfectly, introduces himself all gallantly (he knows how to be charming, after all), and comes up with a passable enough lie to explain how they know one another and are so close that they make all hearteyes and handholding.
“Didn’t she tell you that we have been writing letters to each other in how long is it? It feels like a small eternity already?”
“If I remember correctly, I forgot telling her,” Brienne says with a smirk.
“You just forgot that how?” Roelle demands. “How would you possibly…”
“Lady Brienne was always clear to me that unless I made the first step, she would not act upon my advances. You did well to raise her in that way, I’d assume. She didn’t want to make a blind bargain, after all. But it seems that luck is on our side at last so we could meet, and frankly, I think I am quite enamored with the lady already.”
Jaime then asks whether he may properly court her and all that shit. And Brienne just says that he may because *she* is deciding on that now. The septa agrees anyway because yay, the child is having a prospect of a good match now.
Jaime and Brienne start talking about their future and how coincidental it seems that she has an estate she inherited she doesn’t truly know how to run while Jaime knows just someone who has interest in just those matters.
“And perhaps you could have a spot to open up your shop there, who knows?”
Some time in the distant future, we see Jaime and Brienne all properly married, settled in at Tarth. Tyrion is running most of the estate and has since been sparking up with enthusiasm about the new set of tasks. Brienne is at peace with herself, walking around in the clothes she likes, always sure to carry the watch around with her. Jaime runs his little hat shop and the mad ladies of the capital *love* his weird creations. He says they are mad and that apparently, it’s a great selling point, so he just goes crazy about them and makes a nice amount of money, always having shit and giggles at what he makes high society wear.
The two take a stroll around the property being all lovey-dovey. They come to a clearing that almost looks like the crossroad Brienne had to go to come to the tea party.
“Sometimes I wonder how our little friends are doing on the other side,” Jaime notes.
“I wonder a lot, too, though I guess that is part of Wonderland.”
“If the white rabbit were to appear and tell you you had a chance of going back, would you do it?”
“Only if the rabbit could guarantee me that I would be back by tea time,” Brienne answers with a smile. “Back the first time, I ran away to Wonderland. The second time, too, but now… there is nothing I would want to run away from anymore. There is nothing about this life that I want to one day remember to have forgotten or forget to remember.”
“Good, because I feel the same.”
They kiss and are all lovey-dovey all over. Because they always are. Always have been. And will forever be. The two are interrupted by someone calling out to them. A little girl with a striped cat runs up to them, crying a little. Jaime picks the girl up. Turns out it’s their daughter.
“What happened, hm?”
“The boys in the town said I was a loon,” the little girl laments. “Because, because I kept winning against them when we fought with swords.”
“Now, now, that’s nothing to be sad about,” Jaime assures her. “Your mother beats me… more often than not, I will admit, and do you see her cry? You know that we want you to do what you like, so long it is within certain limits.”
Because this is not Wonderland and there are some rules to abide.
“Yes,” the girl sighs. “But they said I was mad.”
“And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being mad,” Brienne assures her. “We are all a little mad. Most people just don’t like others to know.”
“Your mother is right,” Jaime agrees. “And while the boys won’t realize that until they are much more mature, you should always be sure of who you are. Because so long you think you are no loon, then you are not.”
The girl feels better then, even more so when Jaime says that he will make Uncle Tyrion play chess with her (the girl loves chess because… you know… Wonderland). He puts her on his shoulder and they continue walking.
“Did I ever tell you the story of the Mad Hatter and the Lady Knight?” Jaime then asks the girl.
“Oh, then I must. You will like it! The Lady Knight was just like your mother, and let me tell you, she was in love with that hatter right from the beginning.”
“I can’t remember that part of the story,” Brienne snorts in amusement.
“Then you seem to have forgotten all about it. The Lady Knight was instantly head-over-heels for that good-looking man.”
“And she beat him in a fight.”
“She did? I like her!” the girl chimes.
“The Hatter came to accept that over time, though he always insisted that she caught him during a bad time.”
“He yet had to become more mature to accept that,” Brienne chuckles.
“I seem to have forgotten to remember that part of the story.”
“It appears so.”
As they walk back to Evenfall Hall, they pass by a white rabbit and a caterpillar turning into a butterfly and a dormouse, which may or may not bear a close resemblance to the friends from Wonderland. However, the two truly no longer have a need for that sweet escape because they found their little world here on Tarth where they can be mad, madly in love with each other, madly in love with this life, and a little odd.
And at the crossroad, there is a single grin that quickly fades from view.
The End.
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