Well shredded, indeed! (I'm not up to date with the emojis, so just imagine the <3 here, ok?)
Good call on the nay to the pig nose..it's not needed.
And I'm a total sucker for: The shock is great when Jaime gets off the ferry with a big bag slung over his shoulder. [...] He picks up speed to run up to her. ..gotta love a good running towards lurve- scene ;D
Thanks for shredding this!
Haha, thanks, I am glad you liked it, justme. Yeah, piggy nose would have been... too much on the nose LOL. And I am a sucker for running towards loved ones scenes, what can I say?
Alright, it’s time to turn back to actual fairytales (because Disney movies featuring humans shreddable for JB are becoming scarcer and scarcer, and I am not heading into furry material so long I can help it, LOL). Anyway, after some wiki research, I stumbled over the Danish fairytale Esben and the Witch
that Andrew Lang included in The Pink Fairy Book
. But since it is a shred, we will go a very different route on the matter. For those who want to check out the original, either visit the [url=http:// https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esben_and_the_Witch
]Wikipedia page[/url] or this link
that takes you to the whole text from the book. Also, lock away your kids because this is not really child appropriate LOL. At all. For real. People be fucking in that one.
Once upon a time…
There was a young man called Jaime (Esben), who was, contrary to the fairytale, not frail or small or weak, but rather the strongest of the bunch of three siblings. However, he never prided himself being particularly smart, after his sister always told him he was a fool and he also struggled reading. Thus, Jaime focused his efforts on swordfight and prowess in fight, praying to the Warrior rather than the Father for guidance.
Then the decisive day came that Cersei was meant to travel to the capitol in the company of her brothers (we are shredding away, you guys) to wed King Robert (we are also cancelling out the whole Aerys shenanigan). However, Cersei long since expressed her discontent over the arranged marriage and had since demanded of Jaime that he joins the Kingsguard to be by her side as her protector, even though the order from their father was certainly another. Jaime still ponders whether to follow through with that, and to his sister’s dismay, he did not give an answer yet, though her patience is wearing thin. Jaime keeps going back over the matter not only for Cersei’s sake, but because he believes that he would not make for a good Lord of Casterly Rock because he doesn’t have his siblings’ cunning. So maybe joining the Kingsguard is not an entirely bad idea.
Anyway, we are cutting out the magical sticks people ride on because there is just one magic stick and that’s future property of Brienne of Tarth qua being rewarded Oathkeeper in canon. On the way to King’s Landing, the three get separated from the group when Cersei insists to ride ahead. They eventually get lost in the woods without the bodyguards, leaving only Jaime to protect his siblings from harm. He makes a fire and makes everything ready for them to spend the night before carrying on to find their guards once morning rises. Cersei takes him aside and now demands that he gives her an answer. A much-needed refusal on Jaime’s behalf has Cersei so shooketh because NO ONE WALKS AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE that she uses the next best opportunity to disappear into the woods. She actually wants Jaime to go looking for her and realize his wrongs and follow through with her plan after all, but to Cersei’s great dismay, it is Tyrion who goes after her. And now both get lost without Jaime realizing it.
Cersei and Tyrion come to an old house in the heart of the woods. WHY SLEEP WHEN JB WEEK IS COMING, thirsty, low on alcohol, and bitchy, they knock on the door and ask to spend the night, recounting the old rules of hospitality to the old woman opening the door for them.
“I am Cersei Lannister of Casterly Rock, future Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. I demand a quarter for the night,” she recounts.
Tyrion tries to be a bit more diplomatic about it, but the hag seems less than pleased with either one. Nevertheless she tells them that they shall have a quarter for the night.
“And you shall also have one of my children for your own pleasure.”
Cersei and Tyrion be WTF. And I am WTF because that woman in the original is fast to give over her daughters for some nighttime nookie lol.
Anyway, they are brought inside and they see a bunch of beautiful men and women clad in black by the fireplace.
“And I can have only just one?” Tyrion wants to know.
Yes, yes, Tyrion, just one.
He tells Cersei that they should not refuse the offer made, so not to anger the old woman who is set on having them choose one of her “children.” Cersei chooses someone with an uncanny resemblance to Euron (though it’s not actually Euron), whereas Tyrion takes the prettiest one he can spot. They take them to their chambers and they be fuckin’ hard. Both of them. Cersei also hopes that once Jaime comes in, it will spite him enough to finally follow through with her demands, and there is a strong draw towards that man (of the magical kind, but that is something neither Tyrion nor Cersei with all of their cunning are aware of).
Jaime finally also finds his way to the house. He is kind of relieved when he hears the voices of his siblings, but soon goes irritated at… what sounds they are making and what that clearly indicates. He already wants to rush inside, but then has to go into hiding when an ugly, mannish woman clad in simple garbs trots out of the house to feed the animals. Jaime considers whether to knock her out to steal into the house, but when the woman looks up as though noting him, he stands still and waits for her to go back inside. Though no such luck just yet when the woman sits down and covers her ears at the joyful screaming of Tyrion and Cersei, looking annoyed and… irritated.
“Always the same,” she mutters, rolling her eyes at a particularly high-pitched scream from Cersei. “Ugh, just get done already.”
Jaime watches with growing irritation as the woman waits till all screams of sexual joy come to an end and silence starts to spread in the woods again. When snoring soon comes from both chambers, the woman gets back up, dusts off her clothes, and starts to climb up to the chambers by stacking up barrels that she seemingly already arranged to make it easy and silent to climb on top of them to get to the upper level.
He follows the young woman as silently as he can, but has to go into hiding in the hallway behind some wooden chest when the woman runs into the old hag.
“I thought I told you that you should long since be in bed, my dear.”
“I can’t sleep when they are that loud,” the woman answers. “I truly wished there were another way.”
“But that is the magic of life, the light of the Red God.”
“I know,” the young woman mutters.
“Well, go to bed now. I have urgent business to attend soon enough, but I have to gather my things first.”
“As you will, Mother.”
Jaime makes a face, but worry soon gets the better of him when the hag disappears back down the stairs to gather those ominous things whereas the woman walks up to a chamber on the far end of the corridor rather loudly, before sneaking back in direction of Tyrion’s and Cersei’s chamber without making a single sound. She steals into Tyrion’s chamber first, and Jaime closely follows her, hand on the sword to kill her if she dares to harm his little brother, but to his great shock, the woman produces an obsidian dagger – and rams it into the raven girl’s chest lying in Tyrion’s arms, and she dissolves into black smoke.
She then backs out of the room, having taken up Tyrion to carry his sleeping form over to the other room (though thankfully draped in a blanket so we don’t see more than necessary), Jaime having to try real hard not to get her attention as he backs away with her, only to head into Cersei’s room. For Jaime, it is quite a shock to see her… you know, after doing the horizontal tango with that dude looking like Euron, after she made him all kinds of promises that he is always the only one for her and how even if she were to wed Robert, she would want only ever him. Well, here lies the proof that she doesn’t really. The blonde woman kills the other dude as well, and he, too, turns to black smoke. The girl puts Tyrion next to Cersei in the bed and basically makes a big bundle of blankets of them both before carrying them out of the room.
Jaime can’t help but stare when suddenly, kind of mirror images of the dark-haired people she stabled and Tyrion and Cersei appear in the beds, looking soundly asleep. Jaime wants to go after his siblings, but that is when he can hear the hag approach, so he hides under the bed. From there, he can overhear her chant in Valyrian, and from the shadows on the wall he can see that she stabs the mirror images of his siblings with another kind of obsidian dagger, only for them to basically go up in flames. And as the fire keeps rising from the bed, the woman’s shadow twists from that of an old hag into that of a young woman (and yes, that is Mel for you). Jaime watches as the woman goes away, the red-stoned necklace glowing threateningly as she goes.
Once she is gone, Jaime rushes out of the house to search for his siblings, and finds them resting against a big oak not too far away, though out of the house’s sight. He runs up to them, only to stop when he sees the blonde woman cowering on the ground, visibly in pain. Jaime feels any urge to help her, but then again, she may also be a witch. Before he can make up his mind, the woman gets to her feet, brushes her fingers over Tyrion’s and Cersei’s eyes and tells them to “soon awaken.” After that, she staggers back to the house.
Tyrion and Cersei soon wake up, very much in shock to be a) nekkid, and b) bundled up together while being nekkid. Cersei wants to scream, Tyrion wants to scream, but Jaime holds both their mouths shut before they can. He helps them unbundle into two separate bundles before they make away from the house. Once they are out of eavesdrop, Jaime demands to know what they were up to. Tyrion recounts that they could not refuse the gifts offered, and Hells, were those gifts fine, but Jaime snaps at him that the old witch offered those gifts to finish them off and kill them.
“It was mere luck that she did not achieve that.”
He then gives Cersei a stern look when she won’t even so much as try to appear guilty, instead only ever arguing that she makes her own choices. And so, they have to continue their quest to the capitol on their own because the guards are gone. To afford some garbs for Tyrion and Cersei beside the bedspread, Jaime has to sell most of his armor. With the rest of the money they buy provisions. And so, by the time they arrive in King’s Landing, they look nothing like the Lannister siblings. When Cersei demands an audience with the King as his future wife, the guards have a good laugh at that, because no way such a “dirty peasant girl” would be the future wife of the king. Cersei is furious, but they threaten to throw them into prison if they don’t get lost. Cersei swears vengeance, while Tyrion and Jaime try to think of better solutions. Tyrion suggests that they should try to stay in the city, write a letter to their father to explain the situation, and send help to King’s Landing to affirm their identity.
“Until then, we will have to lead a simpler life.”
Cersei, the spoiled chick she is, wants to refuse to work for their money. Tyrion refuses to join the circus, understandably, but no one else will take him. So Jaime is yet again stuck as the guy who has to handle most of it. They eventually have enough money for ink, parchment, and quill, so Tyrion can compose the letter, but they still need a trained raven to bring the message to the Westerlands, and those are more expensive than either one thought.
Jaime labors as hard as he can, but then Cersei runs into the actual Euron Greyjoy who looks so much like the guy she fucked senseless and her ladyboner is instantly back in the game. She tries to charm him, but… curiously, she is not as charming as she thought she was, now that she is just in simple garbs. Euron finds her funny enough, even more so when she tells him that she is Cersei Lannister. He thinks it’s a joke, but okay, if she wants to believe that, because the Lannister siblings are long since considered DISCO after they got lost in the woods and part of their garbs were found spread across.
He makes an offer to Cersei after she recounts her adventures in the house (he heard about the witch and has evil plans on his own) that if she can bring him proof that she was there, he would help her (and also offers her to marry her if she liked, and Cersei wants that dick of a dick a lot already). Thus, she is pretty happy when she returns to her brothers to tell them that she found a solution, being so super smart, and that all they have to do is find the proof that Euron demanded of them, something she saw on the way there, a dove with a feather of gold and a feather of silver time about.
“Are you out of your mind? We are trying to stay away from this place, you remember? We barely escaped last time.”
“They think we are DISCO. That letter to Father won’t achieve anything, even if we finally get to send it. You may be simple enough to be done with a simple life like this, Jaime, but I will not die a peasant girl shoveling horseshit out of the stables. And anyway, perhaps it is a fortune. I would much better like myself to be the wife of the King of the Iron Islands than Robert. The man clearly does not have Euron’s strength or… looks.”
“So you want to send us both to hell just to have sweet times with the actual man instead of the shadow you fucked?” Tyrion retorts.
“I am taking a chance as I see it arise. Just because you are not smart enough to do the same is none of my problems,” the older sister retorts, before turning to Jaime, “You promised me that you would always protect me. Now is the time to prove it. Bring me that dove and I can make arrangements that we all will live a good life.”
Jaime is eventually bound to agree, though that definitely casts into stone that his sister is not intent on keeping her sweet promises of them being together forever and always. She is much more into Euron’s dickishness. However, he also points out that it will be hard to find the house, since they wandered a long, long time to get there and he has no horse. Cersei is like “well, that’s your problem.” Tyrion still wants to follow through with his plan of writing their father, leaving Jaime as the only one to actually take action instead of bathing in his own cunning like his sister and brother do.
While at the marketplace, he sees the mannish woman again, much to his surprise. She buys some herbs from a foreign looking lady at the market, always making sure to keep her hood on her head, before she proceeds down some empty alleyway. Jaime follows her, shocked to see when she draws a sword from her pouch (Mary Poppins be eating her heart out over that one) and cuts into thin air, only for a portal to open for her to slip through. Jaime, on a whim, jumps into the portal after her. He is thrown out in the woods short before the house. Though thankfully, Brienne already proceeded to the house, so she doesn’t hear him land… roughly. Jaime makes his way closer to the cottage and observes as the woman goes about her routines, feeds the animals, gets water from the well, etc. She then proceeds to the dovecote and Jaime can finally spot that dove with silver and gold feathers. The woman tends to them, and for that she is so mannish and unfeminine in looks, her touches seem surprisingly gentle as she tends to the birds.
“How much I wished I was one of you,” she mutters to herself as she lifts the golden-silver dove to another nest to clean out the other. “Then I could take flight and never look back again.”
Jaime is irritated, because to him it seemed that she has any means to get away, after all, she seems to be a witch, too. However, then he steps on a branchlet the way they always do in the movies, and the woman blindly whirls around, pulling the sword from the pouch.
“What are you doing here?” she snarls in a low voice, sword readily aimed at him. Jaime holds up his hands in surrender. “I… got lost in the woods.”
“Nonsense,” she mutters, but then shakes her head. “It makes no difference. You must be on your way and not come back ever again, do you understand that?”
“I need one of those doves.”
The woman opens her mouth to say something, but that is when she turns her head and the hag approaches.
“Child, what did you bring to me from the market?” the hag chimes, her eyes already set on Jaime. “A little surprise, it seems.”
“This thief meant to steal one of your doves,” the young woman answers. “He must have followed me somehow, Mother, I apologize for my negligence. But let me right it by casting him out of the woods.”
“But child, is that how we treat guests?”
“The old laws say that no thief is deserving of the rights of hospitality, Mother. We are not to interfere with their laws, are we?”
Jaime just grimaces, because it appears that the girl is honestly trying to get him out of there the same way she got out his siblings.
“We pray to the Lord of Light, my daughter. It is with his laws that we are not to interfere. Though you have the rights of it, he must repay for his act of thievery, now complete or not,” the hag chimes. “But I think I may know how you can repay me, young man, so long you are willing.”
“I… I should be on my way. It is as she said, I am undeserving of hospitality. I am a lowlife thief, good woman.”
“But there are ways to cleanse yourself of those sins. Now come,” the hag coaxes him with her bony index finger. Jaime shudders as the younger woman gives him a shove forward to follow suit.
“I thought you wanted to get me out of there.”
“And I am working on that, against the odds of your thievery.”
The hag repeats the same process as last time, and says that if he wants to repay the debt, he would make one of her daughters very happy.
“They are so very alone here. And nothing brings me more joy than knowing my daughters happy.”
“Can I take her, then?” Jaime asks, pointing at the blonde woman, who is having a serious WTF moment. After all, she be ugly.
“I am afraid that is the one daughter I cannot give to you,” the hag tells him, tapping the girl’s hand with a threatening kind of affection. “She is of a purer heart than most can fathom, and it must stay uncorrupted for that matter. But my other daughters, for all their beauty and cunning and kindness, find joy in the task. So please, if you wish to repay me as you promised, you will now choose one of them to make them very, very happy.”
“But what of their honors? They would be besmirched,” Jaime insists.
“We follow another faith than that of the Seven, and for the Lord of Light, there is no taint in passion, there is no shame in love. Honor lies in no one but the Red God. He demands us to live, and so I ask you to let them live to their fullest, if only one and only for a single night.”
Jaime exchanges a look with the girl, who gives a kind of nod, so he chooses the next best black-dressed, raven-haired girl who is all cheery for finally getting a bit of that cake.
“Mother, shall I show him to the chamber? I have not yet readied the rooms after our last guests… left. We wouldn’t want our new guest to sleep in an unprepared room.”
“Yes, yes, do that. Many thanks, my daughter,” she chimes, before looking at Jaime, “And you make sure to treat my other daughter right and give her all that she desires. In time, you may discover that it is very much what you yourself desire most. Because we are all hungry for life, for the light within.”
The blonde leads the way up to the chamber Tyrion was in before. Once inside, the raven is all over Jaime, kissing him all the way up to his tonsils, basically. Jaime tries to *gently* push her off, but the girl really wants to get into his breeches.
“Could you… by any chance tell her to stop?”
“Stop?” the raven laments. “But why, good ser? I can make you feel real, real good.”
“I bet,” Jaime grimaces, trying to put distance between himself and the girl, but she is about to give him chase. His eyes are on the blonde girl the whole time as she checks the door and then the windows. “Can you repeat the magic…?”
The woman cuts him off harshly, “I cast no magic, ser. I am only here to prepare the bed.”
She fluffs up the pillows, only for the raven basically throwing Jaime down on the mattress the very next moment. The blonde rolls her big blue eyes, which Jaime finds quite beautiful by the way, before muttering, “I will see after you later that night, in case you grow… hungry or thirsty. Make sure to stay in here until it is… time.”
With that she goes, leaving Jaime to fend off against that very hungry for him raven girl. He curses over and over again that the woman as he tries to fend off the other because he won’t let her get into his breeches, nuh-uh.
The blonde makes her way back down to the hag.
“Our guest is all set?”
“Yes, Mother,” she answers.
“Come sit with me, Brienne,” the hag urges her.
Brienne reluctantly does so. The witch takes her hand and holds on… roughly.
“I have the feeling that you are not particularly pleased with our visitor being in the house to serve our great purpose for the Lord of Light,” she says.
“That is… you know that I was raised in another faith before you became my mother. And those laws… they are close to my heart. I find it hard to forgive an act of thievery by granting him the privilege to serve the Lord of Light just like the others who did no wrong and thus proved pure enough to serve the Red God.”
“I know it must be hard for you at times, but this is your life now. We have our arrangement, yes?”
“Of course, Mother, but I cannot deny myself… the past that is also part of who I am.”
“And I would never demand of you to shed it, for that is part of the purity you emit,” the hag assures her. “I just want to be sure that you and I agree on that matter. Serving the Red God is our thing to do. So do not let the morals of the mortals make you step away from the Lord of Light’s teachings.”
“Of course, Mother.”
The hag then turns her head. “Strange, I can’t hear him just yet.”
“Some are… silent, I’d assume.”
“Might be. We will give it a few more hours. We want to be sure that our friend is filled with light before we… cut it out of him.”
“Of course, Mother.”
Brienne goes to the dovecote to retrieve the golden-silvery dove and puts it in her magical pouch (seriously, Mary Poppins eat your heart out hard at that one). She then goes back up the barrel staircase into the room, surprised to find Jaime drenched in sweat, still more or less dressed, though the girl managed to take some clothes off, standing on one side of the bed while the girl is on the other, telling him over and over that it’s time for them to finally become one and stop the games. Normally, they all fall for the temptation. They never resist, but this guy did, for hours. Strange. She stabs the raven girl from behind and she, too, turns to black smoke.
“Thank you. Took you long enough. She has been chasing me for hours, Seven Hells.”
“Why did you run, then?”
“Why would I not?”
“No one ever does.”
“There are no men like me, only me.”
“It makes no difference, now be quiet and follow me,” Brienne urges him, gesturing at the window. Jaime watches as she casts the same spell as last time to make a mirror image of himself and the raven girl reappear in the bed, snuggled post coitus.
“And here you told me you cast no magic.”
“I can’t do it for long, which is why I have to time it right,” Brienne answers. “Now come, before she gets here to collect the debt.”
Jaime agrees and follows her outside. They walk on for a longer while.
“Won’t she realize that you killed her daughter?”
“She is not DISCO, for none of them are alive,” Brienne answers. “They are shadows. When I use that dagger, they only ever wake up, not remembering what happened the night before.”
“How convenient,” Jaime says, and Wacky agrees, because that is some great kind of plot convenience I grant myself to make this work.
“It’s far from convenient, believe me that,” Brienne huffs.
“If so, why would you stay?”
“I must. I cannot leave. Ever again.”
They reach a clearing. Brienne takes out the dove from her pouch and holds it out to Jaime.
“Be careful not to hurt it. You must promise me. Because I reckon that if you don’t get her now, you will come back a second time. And I don’t want to see you anywhere near the house ever again. Understood?”
“Uhm, of course.”
“No, you must promise me to keep her safe and set her free once you are done. No harm will come to her. You will vouch for her. And once you have showed her to whoever needs to see her, you will set her free. She will find her way back to here. But you must promise me.”
“I, I promise you. I swear it.”
“I call her Arianne.”
“I vouch for Arianne’s safety. You have my word, as a knight.”
“You don’t look much like a knight.”
“You don’t either, and yet you wield a sword.”
“You should be on your way. And make sure not to return… and to keep your promise.”
Brienne reaches into her pouch to take out her magic sword, but then she suddenly goes to the ground, crying out in pain.
“What is wrong?”
“It’s nothing!” Brienne shouts. Jaime watches in shock, but then bends down to at least offer the comfort of holding on to her shoulder. “Is there something I can do?”
Eventually, her body kind of falls flat to the ground. Brienne wants to scramble to her feet, but they give way underneath her.
“But you must go.”
“I think we will have that one moment to spare. But what is this?”
“She… killed you, or so she thought. And that is the debt I pay for those unaware of what the price is,” Brienne tells him, but then gets to her feet, picks up the sword and cuts through thin air to produce the portal. “You must go now. And never come back.”
“As you will… what is your name?”
The woman is shooketh, because she can’t remember the last time one of the “guests” so much as asked her name.
“Mine is Jaime. I thank you. I owe you my life. And a Lannister always pays his debts, you know?”
“You must go now.”
“As you will. And I will keep my promise. Arianne is safe with me.”
Brienne nods and then watches Jaime disappear through the portal. She sits back down on the forest ground, totally exhausted. She looks up to the moon.
“Why do you test me so? Just how much more do I have to bear before my debt is paid?”
Jaime finds himself back in King’s Landing. His thoughts keep circling around Brienne all the while as he carries the dove back to their small apartment. Cersei only ever laments about how late he is and gives no consideration to whether he is alright or not (that’s canon, yo). Tyrion is happy to see him back. Jaime explains parts of what happened, but tells Cersei explicitly that he will come with her to Euron to ensure that he does not keep the dove.
“It was given to me under the premise that I return it.”
Cersei is like *shrugs* and on the next day, the two seek out Euron to present the dove. Euron is very pleased about it, though he is unhappy when Jaime insists that he cannot keep it.
“And here I thought you were most invested in your sister’s happiness.”
“I am concerned with her safety. And for that, I wouldn’t think I have to pay a price, now do I? Because what kind of a gentleman would that make of you in turn?” Jaime retorts. “And anyway, I rather have a question for you, namely what you’d want with that dove, or the witch for that matter.”
“Oh, I have any intention to find her. She casts the kind of magic I need to take the Iron Throne.”
“You want to… usurp Robert?” Jaime asks.
“How wonderful!” Cersei chimes, full on hearteyes for Euron. “Then I would be your Queen.”
“You well could be, my sweetling. But that depends on whether the mission succeeds.”
“Then give him the dove already.”
“I will not,” Jaime insists. “And I won’t lead you to the house. I lost my way and only ever stumbled upon it. I wouldn’t find my way a second time.”
“But you could surely try.”
“I am afraid I can’t.”
“I will not, sister.”
“But this is important. This is our way back into the life we were meant to live.”
“And strangely so, it is very different from the one you once promised me,” Jaime argues. “As you seem to have forgotten long, long time ago.”
Cersei then, to his surprise, agrees, and says that she may have gone too far. She would not want to go behind his back, and he will have his reasons. She apologizes to Euron before they go off. Jaime doesn’t trust this, but they go home together anyway. Back there, Jaime puts the dove in a cage, telling both that neither one is to release the bird and that he will take care of it (he doesn’t want Euron to see to where the dove is headed).
However, Cersei, one night, opens the cage to let the bird fly out (she just played because she is still intent on becoming Euron’s Queen instead of Robert’s), which is the sign for Euron and the gang to follow. Tyrion observes that and rouses Jaime to tell him of it, but the damage is already done. He curses Cersei and tells her to go to the Seven Hells with her sweetheart before grabbing his sword to go into the woods.
“But shouldn’t we make a plan first?” Tyrion insists.
“There is no time for planning now. There is time for action, and anyway, I am the dumbest Lannister anyway, as this should attest. I failed a promise that should have been far easier to keep. But I will repay my debts, no doubt. Even if it is the last thing I am to do.”
Jaime thus proceeds into the woods on his own, but without horse, he is not as fast as Euron is, which is why he is the first to reach the cottage. Knowingly, he knocks on the door and asks for a place to spend the night for him and his friends. The witch readily agrees, under the condition that each choose one of her daughters to bed with them. However, Euron then says that he would much rather have her, indicating that he knows about her magic, making mention of the Azor Ahai and how he was born under a red comet and now came to King’s Landing to seize the throne. Mel gets almost off to this and tells him that he may have her. She believes that this is the guy of prophecy.
Up in the chamber, Mel transforms herself into her young, beautiful self before the two get into some serious fucking. She wants to make a new shadow with him who will kill the King and thus clear the path for the Azor Ahai to rise. She saw Euron in one of her visions, which is why she made one of the shadows in his image already, well aware that Cersei would be destined to fall for him (she thinks that she is the Nissa Nissa to that story).
Brienne, meanwhile, just hopes for all of it to be over soon, quick to excuse herself when the rest of Euron’s company doesn’t even bother to take it up to the rooms but basically engage in an orgy right in the common room, such nasty scumbags full of horniness. As I said, not a story for little children LOL.
Brienne instantly got the feeling that Euron means no good, because she can only sense darkness coming from him. However, her thoughts soon go to the fact that Euron came here with the dove in hand (which I forgot to mention before), which means that Jaime did not keep his promise after all. Saddened, she goes into the dovecote to see after Arianne and the other doves, recounting how much she wished she could just die, because that would put an end to all of that misery, but Mel cast a curse on her that prevents Brienne from taking her own life, because Mel will also die if her seventh daughter (in the tale it’s twelfth, but for the sake of the Seven) finds her end. Mel bought or abducted daughters until she found Brienne, whose heart is of true light. That is why she treasures her so and wants to be sure that Brienne never disappears for long.
Just as she is about to leave, a bunch of Euron’s friends invades the dovecote and argues that they want to have a taste of her, too, because they never had one quite that ugly and would like to find out what that feels like on the inside. Seriously, no children’s story. Brienne is shocked for a moment, but then gathers herself and produces the magic sword from her pouch to fight off the guys. Being a good fighter, she manages, but as she is about to get back to the house, she is attacked from behind. The sword flies from her hand and Brienne struggles against the guy, but that is when Jaime ex machina happens and he kills the guy.
“Here, take my hand,” Jaime urges her when Brienne gets back to her feet, but she swats his hand away before making for her sword.
“I don’t need the help of oathbreakers,” she mutters as the sword disappears back in the pouch.
“I came to right that wrong. My sister freed Arianne before I could send her back safely so that Euron and his men could not follow.”
“I told you not to come back.”
“Euron means bad news. I wanted to be sure that you were unharmed.”
Brienne be like WTF, why would he care about *meeee*, but she soon gathers herself and insists that he should go back and has no business here anymore. Jaime wants to know what she intends to do, and Brienne is quick to answer that she will finally repay her debt.
“The first people who came here… I didn’t know that Mother meant to kill them. I only ever saw the ashes in the bed the next morning. I swore to myself to never let that happen again. And that means that I will make sure that she will not succeed. She believes that she has since gathered the light of life from so many, from the likes of your sister, your brother, when all she ever got was the light I carry in my heart. And that is not enough to forge Lightbringer. She will not succeed. And then… my debt will be paid for those lives I did not protect.”
“But you couldn’t know that,” Jaime argues. “Just like I couldn’t know that Cersei would do that. Sometimes… things are beyond our control.”
“I know. Almost everything is beyond my control. My own life and death lie beyond my own control because I cannot choose my own death by virtue of the curse Mother put on me. The only one who can kill me is her, and she would never do that, because she needs my light to forge Lightbringer.”
“And she thinks she will forge it… with Euron?”
“She thinks he is the Prince that was Promised, meant to ascend to the Iron Throne, born amidst salt and smoke. And she will do whatever it takes to see her vision become reality,” Brienne answers. “And you would do best disappearing, ser.”
“What do you intend to do?”
“I don’t know, but there is no time for clever planning now. I must do something, or else no one will.”
Jaime gets even more hearteyes at the fact that she is just like him in that way, but they are interrupted by… loud coupling coming to a climax. Inside, Mel, in a matter of seconds, develops a babybum. Euron be like “ew, but okay.”
“You will have to accompany me now to King’s Landing, so you may seize the Throne, my King,” Mel tells him as they get dressed again. “My daughter will take us there. And then this our son will ensure that what is rightfully yours will always be yours.”
“And you will be by my side?”
“Always,” she assures him.
Somewhere in the distance, a glass of wine is poured because Cersei just got achey-hearty.
They exit. Brienne tells Jaime to hide away. She swallows when she sees the babybum, well aware of what that means.
“We will need your services another time, dear,” Mel tells her.
“But his men will stay here,” Brienne insists. “Some tried to rape me.”
“Did they?” Mel says, turning to Euron with a dark, very dark look. “You may have all that you desire, but on that we must agree, if any harm comes to my one true daughter, I will personally ensure that your reign may be long but also filled with sorrow.”
“My men will stay behind, and I apologize for any inconvenience. But we should go now. I’d think it’s high time for Lightbringer to be forged, my love.”
“Brienne, the portal.”
“Yes, Mother,” Brienne says with a bowed head before opening the portal for them. Euron helps Mel through and Brienne is last, but she gives a sign to Jaime to quickly follow, which he does. And so, they are in King’s Landing, right within the Red Keep. Jaime is quick to hide away while Brienne trots after Euron and Mel.
They go to the gardens to where they are undisturbed. Mel knows it’s time to squeeze out that shadowbaby, so on the ground she goes and the legs are spread because baby is incoming.
Brienne tries to come up with a solution, but the shadowbaby pops out of her vag that is dark and full of terrors and instantly sets out to off Robert in his sleep.
“It’s nearly done,” Mel says, looking happy and proud at her monster baby as it goes. However, that is when Jaime appears from the shadows and wrestles Euron to the ground and overpowers him, holding the sword to his neck.
“You will call back your shadow right now or your precious Prince is doomed to die in the gardens of the palace he wants so badly,” Jaime threatens. Brienne and Mel are still fairly in shock, because that came out of nowhere, but that is the luxury of those who don’t plan for too long, they are much more flexible in their enterprises when a chance arises.
“You will let go of him right now, or I will kill you.”
“Then so you kill me,” Jaime retorts, but then looks at Brienne. “I owe someone a debt, and that means that no more lives are taken for power’s sake, not on my watch. And a Lannister always pays his debts.”
Brienne = teary hearteyes.
Mel, enraged, wants to use some dark magic mojo to off Jaime, but that is when Brienne improvises and seizes her chance, which is why she jumps into the line of fire… magic… and gets hit by Mel’s dark magic.
Jaime be “noooooooo!”
Mel be “nooooooooooooooo!”
Euron be “why is no one paying attention to meeeeeeeee?”
Brienne goes to the ground and white light emits from her body. Up in the tower where the shadow is already looming over Robert’s fat, sleeping form, disperses into thin air when the light shines brighter than any star (get it, Lightbringer and Evenstar, nudge, nudge).
Mel is in a frenzy, because now it dawns on her that she got the vision all wrong. That Brienne’s light was Lightbringer and that she just became the Nissa Nissa in order for it to be forged. The red crystal in her necklace breaks apart and reveals the old hag again and she turns to ashes slowly as she burns away with a taste of her own dark magic.
Jaime, meanwhile, tied up Euron before rushing up to Brienne, tears streaming down his face.
“I thank you,” she whispers,” for keeping your promise… and helping me keep mine.”
“Why did you do that?”
“It was the only way to break the curse. It’s all good now. I am finally free… Melisandre took me away from my family. She stole my sisters, but none bore the light, so she killed them. And then she stole me, too. But now I am a dove, free to go wherever I want. I am free,” she mutters with a faint smile, but then she looks almost woeful. “Though I will be free not knowing what it’s like… to be bound to someone. What it means to… not be pure light. But I suppose that’s the price you pay…”
Jaime then bends down to kiss her. He can feel her smile against her lips while tears now also stream down her face. But then, she stills and the kiss ends as her life ends, too.
Jaime is inconsolable, but that is when the dove with silver and gold feathers appears and lands on Brienne’s open hands in her lap. Jaime stares when the dove suddenly speaks and whispers at him that she is the Evenstar with crescent moons of silver and sunbursts made of gold in her banner, and that for every time one of the seven stars fell, she, the dove, was rewarded one of the feathers.
“And the Gods have ruled that her light is meant to shine on for longer. For that is the debt they owe her in turn.”
The golden and silver feathers fall from the dove onto Brienne, and then light erupts again. Once it’s gone, Brienne gasps and is awake again. Jaime is overjoyed and holds her close. Brienne notes that she feels no more magic in herself, sounding utterly relieved.
She watches the dove now without silver and gold fly away, as light as ever.
“I thank you for my freedom.”
They are interrupted when men of the Kingsguard come in. Jaime explains that they intercepted Euron who meant to murder the King. Euron denies that, of course, but he is taken into custody anyway because he is a searched for criminal. Jaime and Brienne are allowed to leave. He takes her back to his apartment, where he meets up with a very surprised Tyrion and a greatly pissed Cersei. Her fury knows no limits when he informs her that Euron was thrown into prison.
Tyrion announces that he succeeded to get into contact with their father after he followed his brother’s example and took some action, which is why he stole one of the ravens Euron brought along on his ship. When Cersei wants to know what he would want with that “great beast of a woman,” Jaime says bluntly that he has any intention to court her to eventually make her his wife, as future Lord of Casterly Rock.
Cersei = omfg sayeth whaaaaaaat?
Brienne = whaaaaaaat?
But yeah, Jaime is steadfast in that new plan, because he is a man of action and he thus decided and will stick to that choice. “But that won’t prevent me from making some plans for the future, not just my own, but that of Casterly Rock.”
Jaime and Brienne finally get to spend some quality time together while they wait for the guards from the Rock to get them and confirm their identity. Jaime is ever the more assured in his choice because Brienne is so much like him, while looking nothing like him. She helps around the apartment, is kind and good, and damn, can she kiss.
When the guards arrive, they can confirm their identity and the three siblings alongside Brienne are taken to the Rock. Tywin informs them upon their safe return that Robert has since called off the wedding to Cersei after it was brought to his attention that she knew of Euron’s plan to murder him and actively helped to see it being achieved. He tells her that she may indeed wed Euron if she is so fond of him, but that he will only ever be the King of the Black Cells because he was charged for attempted murder and won’t see the Iron Islands in a long time. Cersei is really pissed.
Jaime explains to his father that he wants to wed Brienne. Tywin is like… really? But she ugly. Jaime assures him that this is the one way to get him to follow through with taking Casterly Rock, so he either lets his son choose his bride or he can choose to give the Rock to either Tyrion or Cersei, both of whom, for all their cunning, have proved more or less useless on the journey, safe for Tyrion who learned some lessons, at least.
When Brienne dares to add that she is of noble birth, being the daughter of the late Lord Selwyn Tarth, Tywin is quick to agree.
And so, a wedding is soon in place, and a wedding night in particular, so that Brienne can finally move away from the pedestal of prudish holiness. She finds that not just quite thrilling because… I mean, this is Jaime LOL, but because she finally lives a whole life and not just those parts tied to her duty, no longer alone.
And so, it isn’t until long that the new Lady of the Rock can announce that she is with child, which brings us full circle in that this is yet another interpretation of the Azor Ahai and Nissa Nissa wherein it was not about killing the Nissa Nissa but making a baby that would then bring the light for the two of them as they are happily settled into their shared life, where neither one is afraid to take action, but find out that they have now future plans, so long they have them together.