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|Gon with Motto Brooks|
Total Rewards: 2 SP, 4 RP, 300,000 Jenni
--IC Notes--A report by the Hunter's Association Mission Departure commended Motto's performance and recognized his contribute to ending the outbreak of fever in the Republic of Padokia, due to which over ten thousand people died. A member of the Zodiac also praised his actions.
--Comments to the Roleplayer--
Gon, you have a talent for crafting coherent stories in very few words. As usual, your writing was very clear and precise, always relevant to the plot and never redundant. However, I think that, in this case, this was a story that ought to be expanded on. Whereas I liked the fact that you started off in medias res, in the middle of the action and providing the necessary background knowledge only afterwards, it felt somewhat insufficient, considering the heroic feats Motto and Indeyana performed. I also think you kind of exaggerated the scale of the problems Motto is expected to solve - it's not that you can't do that, but it feels somewhat implausible that a newbie hunter and a hunter applicant are the ones to be on the right place and the right time to stop a catastrophe that could claim millions of lives. It's, at the very least, a bit too cliché. I do get that the intention was more to experience and practice roleplaying that developing the story itself, but that's something you could improve.
|Amer aaaaaa with Indeyana Joens|
Total Rewards: 1 SP, 3 RP, 200,000 Jenni
--IC Notes--Indeyana Joens is now watched closely by a certain member of the Hunter's Admissions Board who heard of his contribution to the erradication of the Padokian fever that spread through the Republic two weeks ago. She remarked that this applicant showed clear potential, and is interested in working with him in the future, when he obtains his hunter's license.
--Comments to the Roleplayer--This topic is now completed.
I know that English is not your native language, but I think you should pay more attention to grammar, spelling and punctuation. I suggest you use an online dictionary to find the meaning of words you don't know, or translate them from your language using a translator tool. A few of your posts were almost incomprehensible. Congratulations on your first complete thread!