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Joined: April 5th, 2015, 12:01 am

October 29th, 2016, 12:28 am #51

Dorn caught Lance’s halved fruit and lifted it cautiously to her nose. His body language was hard to read. The teen exuded a mixture of confidence and ….something humble as well. He was hiding a part of himself. Dorn could see it. So deep that Lance himself might not even be fully aware. Something tragic may have happened to the young man or perhaps he was gifted? Dorn had met a few brilliant individuals before, and they all seemed to share that odd missing piece. Blue eyes narrowed and she opted to test his claim. She concentrated a greater part of her aura on the green spiky fruit that Lance had first given her. Dorn also kept her awareness up moreso than usual..the exotic fruit could easily be some kind of distraction. She wouldn’t put it past Lance to have buddied up with the captain and convinced him to toss her overboard.

The fruit in her hand felt no different as she poured herself into it, it’s size and color went unchanged. Still weary of her companion and a possible trick, Dorn took a small bite. Everything stopped. She no longer heard the ocean or felt the salty wind. Dorn stood there utterly transfixed by the taste. It was so delicious and perfect that tears welled up and her chin trembled weakly. She always wanted to have them like the others.. the delightful combination of citrus and cream.. the frozen chocolate coating with malted garnish. But they were too costly, and she never had any money. She would scour the hallways, the ditches, the filthy corners of forgotten rooms for any coins she could find. As a child, Dorn gathered them with a certain level of shame at her obvious poverty and presented them blushing and eyes averted to the shop keeper. Only twice she was able to find enough jenni for the iced confection, and the taste was now in her hand. It was so nice.. too nice. Fucking horridly nice. With a pained cry, Dorn threw the fruit as hard as she could off the ship and stood there crying angrily. She hated those fucking children. She hated the shopkeeper. She hated feeling poor.. being looked upon as less.. being laughed at and judged with disgust. She hated her life. She was disgusting.

Dorn pushed Lance’s fruit back into his hands and stumbled away. Drowning was terrifying but something needed to happen. Maybe just some cutting. Cutting would be helpful right now. Not too much. Have to be careful. Have to calm down a little first. Have to get a good knife and wait a little.

The woman slowed her paced and ended up sitting on the deck between two large crates. It seemed like she would be out of the way there. Fuck she needed coffee and a cigarette. Hugging her knees close, Dorn sighed over and over again until her emotions eased up. That was rather nice of Lance. Who the hell said he got to be nice? It didn’t make sense. He blamed her for all those people dying..he thought she was disgusting as well. Just like them. Fuck them. Fuck everyone. EVERYONE.
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Joined: February 18th, 2013, 9:14 pm

November 14th, 2016, 5:55 am #52

Lance didn't really know how to react to the whole situation he saw unfold before him he kind of had a blank glazed stare going on about him more so at the fact that she threw the amazing fruit overboard clearly she has some issues she needs to work out and Lance is not the all knowing shrink so clearly maybe he should back away and give her some time to herself maybe thats the right thing to do in this situation well maybe not but who knows. Lance slowly walked back slipping away going to the bow of the ship munching on whatever was left of his fruit and looking off into the distance he saw dark clouds looming off into the distance and sniffed the air "Storms a brewin..." Lance finished his fruit and thought about all the moments that lead to this and his aura for a moment went livid that fight he had with enrique was disappointing he wanted something else a challenge he wanted to be the underdog this time and it looks like he will find it in the captain and maybe even the crew here.

Lance ren flew off the hinges thinking about it he's clearly gotten all riled up he want's to test his new found strength that was hidden away maybe when the captain is done they could spar a little Lance looked off into the distance this might be a fun couple of weeks he thought clearly a chance to grow much stronger is what this is and he was excited a start of a new journey into the unknown.
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Joined: November 5th, 2013, 12:29 am

November 17th, 2016, 10:48 am #53

Reward Table
Member Name: GonProHunterCharacter Name: DornStandard Reward: 6 SP, Jenni: 2,000,000
Content Bonus: 45%Effort Bonus: 20%Event Bonus: N/A
Mission Bonus: N/AArc Bonus: N/A Mentorship Bonus: N/A
Total Rewards: 10 SP ¦ 3,300,000 Jenni ¦ 25 RP
--IC Notes--
Involved in the crash of a commercial airship, that resulted in the death of many passengers. Likely presumed dead, or missing. - Possible suspect for potential involvement in the hijacking of the airship.
--Comments to the Roleplayer--
So to start with, I definitely have to commend your use of Enrique and his gang, which played a larger role than I expected in the thread. Looking at Enrique's abilities, I initially thought that the dancing hatsu was a little gimmicky, but you actually tied this into his character very well. The fact that he seemed quite cheesy and flamboyant to start with, then developed into a compelling villain with actually rather sinister motives, was excellent in my opinion. Then, on top of this, I loved that he defeated Dorn at her own game, then took that game right to the edge. One of the best villains I've read on the site, especially in relation to how their interaction affected another character. Though it seems like Lance probably killed him, I'd love to see Enrique return in some way. He'd make an excellent recurring antagonist.

Overall I thought this was excellent development for Dorn's character, and I've already mentioned how much I enjoyed your usage of Enrique. (Bring him back!) And, as usual, your voice contribution really serves to really enhance the thread.

(As a side note, Imagining Enrique singing Enrique Iglesias whilst the ship went down was hilarious. I actually laughed there.)
Reward Table
Member Name: Paradoxman27Character Name: Lance SteelStandard Reward: 5 SP, Jenni: 1,500,000
Content Bonus: 10%Effort Bonus: 5%Event Bonus: N/A
Mission Bonus: N/AArc Bonus: N/A Mentorship Bonus: N/A
Total Rewards: 6 SP ¦ 1,725,000 Jenni ¦ 15 RP
--IC Notes--
Involved in the crash of a commercial airship, that resulted in the death of many passengers. Likely presumed dead, or missing. - Prime suspect for potential involvement in the hijacking of the airship, due to extensive criminal background.
--Comments to the Roleplayer--
I've probably said this before, but overall I would like to see more effort in regards to properly punctuating your posts; even if it's just adding commas to your sentences, your posts will be far easier to read and understand. You're capable of doing this, and you're losing out on rewards because you choose not to. If you pause as you read a sentence back, then simply add a comma. It's a quality of life thing for everyone reading, and will significantly improve the quality of your posts, so there's really nothing to lose. Just do it!

In regards to the story itself: Whilst I thought that you did slack in some areas, I did enjoy your contribution to the more action-oriented sections of the thread. Which is where I felt your writing tended to pick up considerably. Whilst the rest was fairly decent, I would have liked to see some more development of Lance's character. We get that he's nonchalant and easygoing, but there are other elements of his character that I feel you neglect somewhat; he can get a little one-note in places. Just something to keep in mind during some of those shorter posts, which I feel could have been utilized for this purpose.

You helped drive the story along and you bounced off of Gon well, with some good interactions and some intense action. So overall I thought this was relatively solid performance. Just try and keep in mind what I've mentioned here.

(Just thought I'd also mention the great choice of song during the katana scene btw, I could tell you had quite a vivid image of that sequence and so did I.)
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As an overall story, I thoroughly enjoyed this thread and found myself pleasantly surprised. Compelling villain, some intense action and some great character interaction. I felt that the conclusion could have been handled slightly better, but it was still solid. Keep it up, I'm definitely intrigued to read more from you each of you.

This topic is now completed.
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