~~~THE BRETT SANDS PATERNITY TEST RESULTS SPECIAL~~~
Inside what seems to be something similar to The Maury Show set, we see Brett Sands sitting on a chair, arms folded, as he watches the people in attendance cheer. Suddenly, the camera pans over to show the host, who smiles as he looks right at the camera.
?: OOOOOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIIT BIG BAD JACK WARREN IN THE HOUSE!!!!
The audience mainly boos this choice of presenter for this special, getting a scowl out of Jack Warren.
JACK WARREN: Shut your asses up, this is my time to talk as the PRESENTER of this thing! Stop being a group of sweaty jockstraps!
More boos, getting Jack to shake his head as he waits for them to quiet down.
JACK WARREN: Thank you! Just straight disrespectful to our guest...and I guess the star of this special....Super Sperm Sands over here!
Brett pinches the bridge of his nose as he begins muttering to himself.
BRETT SANDS: I should’ve called up Maury....
JACK WARREN: Brett Sands everyone!
The audience cheers and applauds before one woman stands up and screams out.
“BRETT SANDS IS THE FATHER TO MY CHILD TOO!”
Sands shakes his head before Warren interjects.
JACK WARREN: BITCH, SIT YOU AND THOSE SAGGY ASS TITTIES DOWN! BRETT SANDS DON’T FUCK NO NEGATIVE TWOS!
Brett reluctantly nods to that one before Jack turns towards him again.
JACK WARREN: Alright, Brett. You ready to find out if you’re a 16-TIME! 16-TIME! 16-TIME DADDY?!
BRETT SANDS: Let’s get this over with, Jack.
JACK WARREN: Hey, you don’t gotta tell me 16 time, Crimson Chin. Let’s go. Today, 13 women with a total of 16 kids between them will come out here and will receive the results of the paternity test Brett took a few days ago. Nobody knows what the results are that will be on this stage, not even me, WRESTLING GOAT JACK WARREN.
Sands can be seen telling Warren to hurry it up, clearly not wanting to hear him talk anymore. Jack sees this and nods before he finally introduces the first baby momma.
JACK WARREN: The first woman about to come up is named Jessica Warford. She just finished law school a few months ago and has a 7 year old son named James, who she believes you are the father of. Brett, do the numbers match up?
BRETT SANDS: We’ll see.
JACK WARREN: Yes, we will! Everyone, please welcome Jessica Warford!
Jessica comes out, getting booed by most of the Brett Sands fans in attendance. She gives them a quick wave before sitting in the chair next to Brett.
JACK WARREN: Welcome, Jessica!
JESSICA WARFORD: Yeah, not exactly a very friendly environment, but I’m glad I get to sit here and look right at this man as he finds out that he is the father of my son and possibly 15 other kids! I did this all so that my son can meet his father!
Brett shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything.
JACK WARREN: Do you believe all 16 kids are his?
JESSICA WARFORD: Absolutely. Brett’s a manchild. That’s why I believe it.
BRETT SANDS: A manchild that had you yelling “Oh God”. A manchild that you repeatedly wanted to bend you over. I got a good ass memory and if I remember correctly, you’re the one who was sending the nudes!
Jessica goes completely silent as she stares at Brett, who leans back in his seat.
BRETT SANDS: Yeah, you ain’t got shit to say. Jack, give us the damn results. I know this kid ain’t mine, so let’s do it.
Jack nods before he picks up the folder on his lap. He opens it up and pulls out the results, reading them for a bit before smiling.
JACK WARREN: Hold up, I gotta be on my Maury shit for this.
He clears his throat.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to 7 year old James Warford, Brett....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Brett gets up from his seat and pounds his chest as Jessica looks around in disbelief! He pumps the audience up before taking a seat next to Jessica, who begins getting emotional. Sands sighs before he puts a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to turn towards him.
BRETT SANDS: I’m sorry that I’m not the father and I hope you do find who it is. The kid deserves to know, yeah?
She nods before getting up from her seat and walking off.
JACK WARREN: Well, that’s one down! Quick break, then we come back to baby momma #2, yeah?
JACK WARREN: Alright, we’re back! So far, condoms and birth control are leading 1-0 as we just found that Brett was not the father of 7 year old James Warford! Now, let’s not waste any time and bring out the next possible baby momma! She is a waitress from Miami, Florida....Melanie Gonzales!
Melanie begins walking out to boos, but she seems a little more responsive to them, flipping off some of the people booing her before sitting down next to Brett.
MELANIE GONZALES: I know you motherfuckers aren’t booing me! Y’all can kiss my thick ass!
Jack Warren looks at Brett, mouthing “really” before Sands motions that he was drunk when he slept with the following...uh, contestant?
JACK WARREN: Melanie. Melanie. Melanie!
Melanie finally turns to Jack, who waves at her.
JACK WARREN: Hello and welcome! How are you feeling?
MELANIE GONZALES: F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S! That spells out fabulous, Jack!
JACK WARREN: BITCH, I KNOW HOW TO SPELL! Know what? Fuck this shit. Give me the damn folder already. Let’s get this cum dumpster off the damn stage.
Brett stares at Melanie for a second before motioning for Jack to stop.
BRETT SANDS: Hold up, I need to know something. Why do you think I’m the father, Melanie?
MELANIE GONZALES: It’s a guess, really. I just want someone to take this stupid kid off of my hands so that I can go partying and I think you’d likely do just that.
Sands stares at her in disgust.
BRETT SANDS: It’s people like you that should’ve been swallowed, Jesus fucking Christ. Once these results come up and that kid’s not mine, I’m going to let my friend Kitty know that there’s a kid who needs an actual mother, not whatever the fuck you are.
MELANIE GONZALES: You the only one that I can remember busting a nut in me!
BRETT SANDS: You stupid bitch, we did anal! JACK, THE RESULTS, PLEASE!
Jack opens the folder and pulls out the results.
JACK WARREN: Brett Sands....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER OF 3 YEAR OLD DEREK GONZALES!!!
Brett nods while Melanie gets up from her seat in anger and flips off the audience again, then walks off, yelling back at Brett.
MELANIE GONZALES: You tell Kitty to call me so she can take this shitting and eating machine off my hands!
Sands proceeds to flip her off as she’s walking away, getting a huge reaction from the people in attendance.
BRETT SANDS: I rarely regret fucking someone. That one’s a regret right there.
JACK WARREN: Well, we’re not your therapist, so we really don’t need to know all of that. Let’s go to break again so we can prepare for baby momma #3! The one with the triplets!
Once they return, Brett is seen leaning back in his chair while Jack looks right at the camera and smiles.
JACK WARREN: Our next possible baby momma is Courtney Francis. She is the mother of 8 month old triplets and is a semi-successful actress, having appeared primarily as an extra in movies. Are the kids Brett’s? Let’s find out! Courtney...COME ON DOWN!
Courtney walks out to an actual round of applause, primarily because she gave birth to three kids in one go. She nods at the people in attendance before sitting down next to Brett, putting a hand on his lap.
COURTNEY FRANCIS: Missed you, Brett.
Sands removes her hand off of his lap, looking unimpressed.
BRETT SANDS: Stop lying to these people. The last time we saw each other you threw a waffle iron at me.
JACK WARREN: My ex-wife did the same thing to me, Brett. What is it with women and waffle irons, yaknowwhatimsayin?
Brett stares right at Jack, getting him to shut up.
COURTNEY FRANCIS: I just can’t wait to see your face when you realize you have 3 beautiful sons, Brett!
BRETT SANDS: Another lie. I’ll leak the tape right now! I. USED. A CONDOM!
JACK WARREN: WHOA!
Jack looks out of the shot at the producers.
JACK WARREN: Can we actually air that shit? No? Why the fuck not? No, I don’t want to see Brett’s dick, I just want to see what she looks like naked! Ok, fine! I’ll get back to doing my job!
Warren looks back at Brett, who is literally facepalming, and Courtney, who scowls as she has her arms folded up and is staring right at Jack. The HKW commentator clears his throat before getting the folder and pulling out the results.
JACK WARREN: Let’s just...let’s just get to these results, yeah?
BRETT SANDS: FINALLY.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to 8 month old Armie, 8 month old Brenton, and 8 month old Chevy-
BRETT SANDS: Still can’t believe you named one of them Chevy.
JACK WARREN: Brett Sands....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!
Courtney looks stunned before she begins crying, then runs off. Meanwhile, Brett just motions that that’s another one down, leaving 10 women and 11 kids as we cut to another quick ad break.
We come back to the show and we see Jack threatening someone in attendance.
JACK WARREN: Sit your ass down before I make you and them six chins sit down, bitch.
BRETT SANDS: Stop being a moron and get back to work, Jack!
Jack growls at the fan before sitting down and grabbing the card to read off the next name.
JACK WARREN: Next up is Pam Plummer.
BRETT SANDS: Oh, I definitely pulled out of her.
JACK WARREN: She has a twin daughters named Alexandra and April, who are both 2 years old. A dental hygienist, Pam is looking to just unite her daughters with their father. Please welcome, Pam Plummer!
Pam comes out to boos as well. She doesn’t really acknowledge the people in attendance before she sits down next to Brett and slaps him on the shoulder.
PAM PLUMMER: Stop talking about what you did and didn’t do to me!
JACK WARREN: Did you tape this one as well, Brett?
Brett shakes his head.
BRETT SANDS: No, I didn’t. I actually don’t mind Pam because we really kept shit casual when we were fooling around. I just think she has the wrong guy today. I’m sure you’ll find who it is though. Jack, read the results.
PAM PLUMMER: I’m almost 100% sure it’s you, Brett.
BRETT SANDS: Almost 100% isn’t 100%. Jack, the results.
Jack opens up the folder once more and looks right at it before looking back at Brett and Pam.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to twins Alexandra and April Plummer...Brett “Big B” Sands....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!!!
Pam leans back in her chair in disbelief before Brett nods, knowing that the kids weren’t his. He looks over to Pam, who mouths “I’m so sorry” to him.
BRETT SANDS: It’s ok. I understand.
Brett then helps Pam up and the two hug before she walks off, head down in shame. After that, Sands looks out at the audience and tells them that there is 9 more to go before he’s cleared of everything, the show cutting to break again.
Once the break ends, we see Jack Warren and Brett Sands talking.
BRETT SANDS: No, I don’t want to see your nonexistent six pack, Jack.
JACK WARREN: I WOULDN’T WANT YOU TO ANYWAY. YOU MIGHT WANT TO FUCK ME IF YOU SEE ME SHIRTLESS, FAG.
Brett rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He then gets an idea in his head before he points behind Jack.
BRETT SANDS: Is...is that Shane Atwater?
Jack begins screaming like a little girl, immediately going for cover and curling up into a ball. After a few seconds. Warren realizes that Sands is howling with laughter at him, now knowing that he got tricked. The former HKW World champion gets to his feet and straightens himself out before sitting back in his seat again.
JACK WARREN: Let’s just get to the introducing of your next baby momma, Brett. Her name is Maja Jansen and I do not give a fuck if I’m pronouncing it wrong. She currently works in the front office for a Norwegian soccer club and has a son named Rocket, who she believes is yours. Come on down, Maja!
Maja makes her way out from the back, the audience giving her more boos than cheers as she waves at them, then shakes hands with Jack, then sits down next to Brett. She looks right at Sands as she sits.
MAJA JANSEN: I’m sorry that this has to be aired to the world. I know you didn’t want to find out that you had a son like this.
BRETT SANDS: If he is my son, yeah. Just wish you hadn’t named him Rocket in case he is.
MAJA JANSEN: Just know that I do not blame you for choosing to take a paternity test. I didn’t want to bug you with the fact that you have a son but he wants to meet his father and I can’t deny him that.
BRETT SANDS: We’ll see if I am his father. Jack, take it away.
Warren nods before he opens up the folder that he was given and pulls out the test results. Looking at them, he nods again, then clears his throat and begins to speak.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to 5 year old Rocket Jansen, Brett Sands.....YOU ARE THE FATHER!!!
The audience all lets out a roar, some members shocked. Meanwhile, Maja just calmly nods her head, glad that the truth is out there. Brett, on the other hand, is like:
MAJA JANSEN: Sorry again you had to find out like this.
Brett nods before he and Maja both get up and he hugs her.
BRETT SANDS: I’m sorry too.
The two eventually break apart and he tells her they’ll talk after this is over.
Back to the show, Brett is seen still contemplating how Rocket could be his. Jack sees this and looks worried, before shaking it off and moving on.
JACK WARREN: Alright, let’s introduce the next one. She is a cheerleader, having previously worked for the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Detroit Pistons, Naomi Pena! She has a 5 year old daughter named Hope, who she hopes-
Insert corny white guy laugh here.
JACK WARREN: -is the daughter of Brett Sands. Please welcome, Naomi Pena!
Naomi comes out, smiling and waving at the booing audience before she sits down next to Brett, winking at him, though he still seems to be out of it.
NAOMI PENA: I see Brett’s still recovering from finding out he’s got a son. Hope he feels the same when he finds out he’s got a daughter too.
Brett doesn’t respond to this, continuing to be buried in his thoughts.
NAOMI PENA: Aww, handsome. It’ll be okay. You just gotta stop screwing everything that moves, sweetie.
Sands finally turns to her, looking to say something, but waves it off and motions for Jack to hit him with the results. Jack does as he’s asked and quickly pulls out the results from the folder and reads them.
JACK WARREN: For 5 year old Hope Pena, I can confirm that Brett Sands....IS THE FATHER!!!
The audience lets out an “ooooooh” as Brett’s kids count goes to two. He looks over at Naomi, grabbing her hand with his.
BRETT SANDS: I’m sorry we had to go through all of this. Let’s talk after this, ok?
She nods before kissing Brett on the cheek, then getting up and walking away, a big smile on her face.
After we return from break, Brett seems to have snapped out of it and is leaning forward in his seat, hands clasped together as he waits for the next woman to be introduced.
JACK WARREN: You remember Jackie Zimmerman, Brett?
BRETT SANDS: Yeah, I met her about 3 years ago.
JACK WARREN: Well, she’s got a 2 year old daughter named Kelly and she believes that that kid is yours. Let’s bring her out here and find out if you got another kid, Brett! Jackie, come on out!
Jackie makes her way out, smiling as the audience just claps, no longer able to boo after two kids have already been revealed to be Brett’s. She sits down next to Brett like all the others have before her.
JACKIE ZIMMERMAN: I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, so I’ll tell you that I am hopeful Brett’s the father and he can help support her so that I can go through medical school easily. I don’t think I’m ready to take care of a child on my own.
JACK WARREN: And if Brett’s not the papa?
JACKIE ZIMMERMAN: Then I will unfortunately have to let Kelly go up for adoption. She deserves more than I can give her at the moment.
Jack nods before he picks up his folder and clears his throat, pulling out the sheet in it and reading off the results.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to 2 year old Kelly Zimmerman, Brett....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!
Sands lets out a deep exhale and nods. Jackie on the other hand buries her face in her hands and begins crying, forcing Brett to console her as he puts a hand on her back and speaks to her.
BRETT SANDS: It’s okay. If you gotta put her up for adoption, I’m sure we can find someone who would be willing to take her and give her a good home. Maybe even let you visit once in awhile. Could even talk to my friend Kitty.
She looks up at him, then pulls him into a hug, Brett hugging her back.
BRETT SANDS: I’m sorry that I can’t do anymore than that.
They break apart and the teary-eyed young woman says it’s okay and thanks him before she walks off, wiping away her tears. He tells her to wait for him after this is done and they’ll talk more.
JACK WARREN: Alright, let’s stop fucking around. The next chick is named Victoria Moran and she’s a nurse.
Jack looks at Brett.
JACK WARREN: Is she the one that gives the sponge baths, Brett?
Sands moves forward and punches Warren in the shoulder, forcing him to let out a groan as he rubs his arm while Brett goes back to his seat.
JACK WARREN: I deserved that. Anyway, Victoria has a 4 year old son named Dillon and she believes that you’re the father. Victoria, come on out!
Victoria steps out to a round of applause before Brett gets up and nods to her, but she just brushes past him and walks over to Jack, smacking him across the face and knocking him out of his chair!
VICTORIA MORAN: That is for slapping my ass earlier!
Victoria then picks up the folder and pulls out the results before smiling as she looks at Brett.
VICTORIA MORAN: Congrats, Brett. You have another son.
She then hands him the paper and begins walking away, smacking him in the ass as she does. Brett stares at the paper and closes his eyes before opening them again and flashing the paper at the nearest camera, showing that Victoria wasn’t lying.
Jack holds his face in pain as we return from break, looking pissed.
JACK WARREN: WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR THIS JOB, NOBODY SAID I WAS GOING TO BE ASSAULTED, GOD DAMMIT!
BRETT SANDS: I think everyone enjoyed that, Jack.
JACK WARREN: Oh yeah? Well, let’s see if you enjoy this. The next woman has a daughter named Emily that’s 4 years old. Please welcome, Maria Brankovich!
BRETT SANDS: Oh fuck.
Maria steps out and Brett quickly gets out of his seat when she’s within a few feet of him. He then forms a cross with his hands as he backs away from her.
BRETT SANDS: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! Jack, do the results and then get security to get her crazy ass out of here!
MARIA BRANKOVICH: Why are you acting so weird, Brett? I just came here to find out if you’re the father of my daughter!
Brett gives her the “what” expression.
BRETT SANDS: Bitch, you tried to staple my balls to your bed! YOUR ASS IS CRAZY! JACK, READ THE RESULTS, THEN HIT HER WITH SOME HOLY WATER!
Jack quickly scrambles for the folder and picks it up before reading off the results.
JACK WARREN: Congratulations, you are NOT THE FATHER!!
BRETT SANDS: YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Maria snaps and charges right at Brett, but security comes in and drags her away, the blonde woman threatening to kill Brett. But Sands doesn’t care as he removes his shirt and begins waving it around as he celebrates not having a child with Maria. He even hops into the audience and celebrates with the people in attendance.
BRETT SANDS: You could tell me the next 4 kids are mine and I wouldn’t be mad.
JACK WARREN: Yeah, you would.
Brett puts his shirt on and sits down.
JACK WARREN: Anywayyyy, our next guest I guess is named Tonya Stephens.
Sands smiles, though Warren pretends to not notice it.
JACK WARREN: She has a 4 year old son named Braylon and currently works as a manager at a restaurant in Chicago, please welcome Tonya Stephens!
Tonya steps out to the stage and smiles at the audience before walking over and sitting down next to Brett. She winks at him before speaking.
TONYA STEPHENS: Didn’t really want to drop this on you, Brett, but I felt bad all these years about keeping it a secret. I won’t say anything else though. Jack, give him the results and I’ll be on my way.
JACK WARREN: Bitch, you don’t...ok.
Jack pulls out the folder and begins reading from it.
JACK WARREN: When it comes to 4 year old Braylon Stephens...BRETT SANDS....YOU ARE THE FATHER!!!
Brett mouths “wow” before sitting back, now having 4 kids that are his. He looks over at Tonya, who just smiles and nods at him before the two hug and say something to each other the cameras don’t pick up. She then gets up and walks off, waving goodbye to everyone.